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Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 10:20:53 AM   
intriguedLynn


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/17/2011
Status: offline 		Has anyone else struggled in accepting or "coming to terms" or embracing their dominance? How or What pushed you over the edge to full acceptance?

I have always known, but until recently did not have the vocabulary to express it. Not until my Sunshine encouraged me and requested me to take the role. He is still also very new to acknowledging his submissive nature, so I am leading us very slowly and cautiously. I find I hesitate, and yet when I embrace the responsibility things just seem to fall into place so much easier. The bedroom was the easy part, day to day I accept is still and will be 90% vanilla but still needs 'direction'.

In discussing this, he used a nice analogy of how his other was an expert Contract Bridge player, who could "force" her partner to make the right play - often unknowingly, by simply carefully selecting her own plays. He said the partner ultimately made the choice of play by their own free will, but had been skillfully guided in the "right" direction. So now when an issue comes up, I find myself thinking in those terms, how to help him in making his own choice of play in such a way the benefits us both in a healthy way.

There is so much to learn and I am forever grateful for this forum to silently read, reflect, and integrate. I am doing everything I can to be worthy of his gift and to be the Domme he so much deserves. I look forward to your replies and experiences.
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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 10:50:41 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'm not sure I am able to wrap my mind around all the little factoids between your post and your profile. So Sunshine has two women... you and his wife... for which he wants both of you to be his dominant and neither are full blown dominant. You are trying to accept his gift of submission and you hope that she will as well. Lucky Sunshine!

I'm really not sure what you're asking. You ask how do you accept the dominance you feel. You have accepted it... but more need to know how to be a dominant to him. Ask Sunshine. He seems to know very well how you can provide for his needs or gift. He would know better all your situations and how it might play out.

Some things are simply a matter of experience and becoming confident in your abilities in life in general. As you proceed, you will gain ground in comfort and learn to apply what you know or explore more. Time is a great teacher. However you have a complicated situation from the sounds of it.

It sounds like you struggle between some things you may view as submissive and things you feel as a dominant. This isn't all about Sunshine... It is okay to feel submissive and dominant. How that plays out is really up to you. I just think there are so many things going on here... that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you how I do things because it wouldn't fit your situation. You seem to be thinking you can be his dominant... and can somehow convince his wife to be as well. I can only say... don't count your chickens until the eggs have hatched. Don't try to manipulate an outcome if you are unsure of how to get through the day to day to bring about an outcome. One baby step at a time.




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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 11:09:52 AM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		I never struggled to accept being how I had (obviously, to everyone else but me, lol) always been. I was actually slightly embarrassed when I had it pointed out to me by a lovely TV I used to chat to on a vanilla chat site. How I am had always just come naturally to me, and I naively didn't believe that there were men out there who would actually thrive on how I felt mostly at ease in life. I'd never had a D/s relationship, as my marriage had been very vanilla, with something always lacking, which I then realised the thing lacking was one of the reasons why my marriage failed.

Embracing how I am fully was extremely liberating to me. It was like I literally had a new lease of life, and boy did I enjoy finding out exactly what I enjoyed. Not long after I joined this site, I started chatting to a lovely sub man, who at the time was constantly working, so it was difficult for us to meet up, but we chatted for hours and hours, and he helped me a hell of a lot with allowing what had been previously kept under wraps show itself.
I found that finding out exactly what I enjoyed by having play sessions with trusted people I'd got to know also helped me a great deal, as I found out exactly what I wanted when I decided to seek the D/s relationship I not just desired, but needed. One thing I did have to come to terms with was learning to be patient. As soon as I decided I wanted to find a D/s relationship, it took me quite a while to find the right person, with a big hiccup along the way that could have set me back a bit, but luckily I soon got back on track.
I think it can be very difficult for people who are only just finding what they need in life when they're past a certain age, as a lot of people you chat to expect you to have experience.
I can only go on my own experiences now, so I stay on here in case anyone needs any advice, and hope to help others who might be finding it difficult to deal with. I also stay on here as it was the site where I found my amazing partner.

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Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 11:17:23 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Do you know his wife? Is she happy about the way things are going? Is she willing for you to tell him how to live his daily life when that means you're controlling her life as well?

And calling her passive just because she may prefer a power equal relationship is hardly polite. And not a way to help him maintain a happy home life.


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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 11:18:19 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I never had to think about being who I am. I had a hard time accepting "sadist". I owe my former slave for that.

Be open to what interests you, and think about why you like it and how it makes you feel.

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 11:26:57 AM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I had a hard time accepting "sadist".



I have to admit, I never thought I'd actually enjoy it, but my sadistic side has definitely been released and still has some way to go thanks to my partner. It's all awesome.

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 11:36:14 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Are you sure this is the right thing for you, or is it something you're trying to please your partner with? He seems to factor in here pretty heavily as to why you are doing this, that usually isn't the best reason to take on a new venture that is centered around you.

(in reply to intriguedLynn)
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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 11:37:20 AM   
SthrnCom4t


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, it took me a while to understand myself. Many things changed when I gave myself permission to not know everything.

Be yourself. If you are familiar with 'tether ball', you know there is the post, which is stable, and the ball, which swings around the pole, attached by a rope. Be the pole. Learn about who you are, but don't act in a way not in alignment with yourself. Observe how others react to you, but remember we are each personally responsible for our own emotions and behaviors. You have complete control of how you respond to your environment and the people in it. Perceptions are unique, based on past influences and experiences...stepping out of instinctual reactions and into deliberate responses is a sign of emotional intelligence.  Control is attractive on so many levels. When you have control of yourself, people trust you to control their environment. You create safety, and they are inspired to give.

Look around and identify traits you admire in people. Look at past and present day remarkable women leaders (maybe even a cartoon superhero) and think about what you like and could emulate. Tap into your own inner strengths, and people will be inspired to be around you. Ask yourself if you like to be in control by issuing direction, or by accepting service? I like both....when I want them. :) Sometimes I like to drive, sometimes I like to be chauffeured. I'll choose a partner who is capable of both, and understands I'm in charge in either situation.


_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to bighappygoth39)
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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 12:17:33 PM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t

Look around and identify traits you admire in people. Look at past and present day remarkable women leaders (maybe even a cartoon superhero) and think about what you like and could emulate.


I grew up with wonderful role models, in real life and comics/films/tv. My grandmother was a very strong dominant lady, without being physically intimidating, as she was quite petite. I adored her totally, so she was my first dominant female role model. In comics and tv there was the amazing Wonder Woman, Charlie's Angels, The Bionic Woman, and many more. In films, I adored watching the stunning Bette Davis in some very dominant roles, along with other pretty dominant actresses, like Barbara Steele and Mae West and many more who I've forgot the names of...

In general, I think stuff like that can be very influential indeed, but I think you still have to have that inner dom/sub already there in your psyche, so it's just a matter of time before it will need realising and releasing.

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I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 12:19:05 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		FR

Slight tangent - I *love* threads about women discovering their Dommeliness.

End of tangent.

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 1:44:40 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Wow, so you met a guy that you started an affair with and he has "led" you to your dominance? 

You can wrap it in a pretty bow all you want, but no where in your posts or profile do you say that his wife actually knows this is happening or that you have had discussions with her.

So it seems you are either being misled or are completely deluded yourself.  You are his "mistress" for sure.  Just not in the way you seem to be stating.

Your "bridge" analogy is not an example of someone finding and choosing their own way.  It is an example of how one can be led to believe they made their own choice, when in truth, they have done nothing of the sort.

You state your relationship will be 90% vanilla.  You also state how you and he are together because his wife won't accept "his submissive gift or embrace her dominance."  Well if your relationship is primarily vanilla, and is going to stay primarily vanilla, you are nothing more than the "other woman."

Please don't insult other people's intelligence by trying to portray yourself as something more than a man's mistress (the kind he cheats with, not the kind he "submits" to).

Have a nice day and a wonderful holiday season that he will be spending with his wife, not you.

(in reply to intriguedLynn)
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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 2:48:01 PM   
intriguedLynn


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/17/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the replies thus far. I look forward to hearing more.
I'd prefer to keep the thread focused on how others have embraced their personality, rather than on my specific situation. If you want to see my responses to specifics folks have brought up, I will add a journal entry.

I have always had a strong, dominant personality, from before my first birthday. Unfortunately, I had quashed acknowledging or acting on it for most of my adult life. My partner, by requesting I be his Domme, has in a sense given me permission to reclaim my truer personality, without the need for apologies. I am not trying to become something I am not just to please a partner, that would be idiotic.  As bighappygoth39 noted "Embracing how I am fully was extremely liberating to me". I am feeling much more comfortable in my own skin.

Respectfully,
intriguedLynn

**note - if I were to be writing the original post now, I would have left out the bridge analogy as it detracts from the inquiry intended.

< Message edited by intriguedLynn -- 12/10/2011 2:57:33 PM >

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:01:44 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Lynn, I should warn you: if you don't deal adequately with a moral question on this forum, people will pounce on you and won't let it go. The thread will go off into an ethical debate and that will be that. It's in the nature of this site.

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:22:46 PM   
intriguedLynn


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/17/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks for the suggestion PeonForHer.
So here goes.
No, I am not in an "affair," nor is he "cheating". We are in a polyamorous relationship, which my partner's wife knows of and supports. (I have been known to drive down and pick her up so the three of us can go out together when he gets off work.) Yes, he is with her on Christmas day, but only because it is her only day off work that week and I respect that, and he will be with me a very significant portion of the Holiday season.
No, I am not changing to meet his needs or playing games, I love that he has freed me to accept who I have always been inside.
A snip from the journal entry I had made to try to keep this thread focused on how others embraced their dominant tendencies and trying to keep uncluttered with my own details :
~~ He is my sub when he is mine, I do no intend to control his wife through him, but she reaps many benefits as a result, including his improved communication skillset, his well manicured nails (we gals all recognize how important that can be in an intimate situation), and her being able to feel less pressured or forced to make some of the mundane non-life-changing decisions for him.
~~ I had recognize that in professional and family life, and while he is with his wife - life remains relatively unchanged, which is why I said life is 90% vanilla. Perhaps I should have stated that in our relationship the % vanilla will continue to change as we both discover our limits and if/when we go co-housing.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:32:11 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline 		It is this line from your profile that I would find a bit problematic: "Looking to learn more to please my sunshine."

Lady Hibiscus gave pertinent advice: "Be open to what interests *you*, and think about why *you* like it and how it makes *you* feel." [emphasis added]

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:43:31 PM   
intriguedLynn


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/17/2011
Status: offline 		I have updated the profile line that MissToYouRedux found problematic to  "Looking to learn more to improve myself, and also to be better equipped to please my sunshine."

And yes, I fully agree the advice from Lady Hibiscus is pertinent, and I have embraced that thinking from the start of my rediscovery.



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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:48:16 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Good luck, Lynn, it sounds like you are on the right track :) poly is a tricky thing to navigate.

I am one of those folks who has always been pervy, and essentially brought up with examples of dominant women getting the job done. As the daughter of an ethnic household, I was raised to serve, as well as be a princess. It was a non d/s grounding in d/s.

Years later I looked back on my teenage ways, and realized that I was practicing with my minions. At the time it never crossed my mind that there were other ways to behave, and I just fell into that "womens libber" niche so I wasn't all that shocking. My family taught me that women ran things.

I still had very vanilla relationships (to me) until my thirties. Once I started to mix kink in, the fun increased, and of course the frustration deepened.

I am who I am...I never knew another way.

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:51:21 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: intriguedLynn

I have updated the profile line that MissToYouRedux found problematic to  "Looking to learn more to improve myself, and also to be better equipped to please my sunshine."

And yes, I fully agree the advice from Lady Hibiscus is pertinent, and I have embraced that thinking from the start of my rediscovery.





This goes to what I think is the most crucial matter about Femdom/malesub, Lynn. As a sub, I have to know that you're doing things to *please yourself*, not me. I'd need there to be a good, big dose of selfishness in you. I couldn't work with a partner on this if I thought that she was trying to mould herself to please me. Women ordinarily do that all too easily, too automatically, with their male partners. But it would kill it, and be downright depressing to boot, if I thought that a female partner was taking that route with me. Do you get that?

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 3:56:45 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		To add to What Peon's saying, it's just fine if the things that please you please him, too. It's fine to do thing just to please him. But when you want your coffee, you want your coffee. Cream, no sugar, and possibly a jaffa cake to go with.

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RE: Accepting your Domme personality - 12/10/2011 4:04:59 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

To add to What Peon's saying, it's just fine if the things that please you please him, too. It's fine to do thing just to please him. But when you want your coffee, you want your coffee. Cream, no sugar, and possibly a jaffa cake to go with.


Right - because he, on his side, must know that he just must follow your orders, even if, sometimes (or even lots of the time) it doesn't turn him on to do so. The point is, you (the Dominant) can't be put in a position where you're thinking, 'Will he follow my orders, or not?' - because, that, in itself, will erode your sense of dominance and his sense of submission.

I'd suggest: practise that, because it's a sticky one. Get him to do stuff that you know won't turn him on. I think that's the first thing to practise, actually.


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