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Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 2:04:47 PM   
shysub4152


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline 		Question: Can an ex effectively stay a DOM in a sub's life?

I should preface the question by saying that I recently ended a brief relationship with a DOM who claimed me as his sub. In retrospect, too quickly.....him because he is lonely, and looking to settle down....and me because I was in a little bit of a frenzy...

He is my first and only experience with a DOM...a Daddy DOM with a touch of sadistic. Worked for me...unfortunately, in the vanilla world, I knew there was too much about him that I would not want in a long term relationship.

He wants to remain friends, but more than that, he wants to stay in my life as my DOM. I have mixed thoughts and feelings about this, especially as I am looking to date other DOM men and hopefully find a relationship.

I know BDSM is not all about sex....but I am very inexperienced, so I am asking for guidance from some of the more experienced members.

Thanks!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 2:10:31 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		What do you mean he wants to stay in your life and be your Dom?
What does he want to fufill in this role? Also, is it going to be productive to continue on?

Is he aware that if you do let him continue on as your Dom, that you will during this time be looking for someone more compatable, and that when you do, he will no longer be needed and discarded?

< Message edited by JanahX -- 12/10/2011 2:13:39 PM >

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to shysub4152)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 2:15:49 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

He wants to remain friends, but more than that, he wants to stay in my life as my DOM.



From my personal experience, it is hard to remain even friends with someone you used to have a relationship with.

So, you agree that you will no longer have a relationship, but he still wishes to be your Dom?  How does that work?  Will he be fucking you?  Will he tie you up?  Will he be directing your life?

I would be very leery of any kind of relationship continuing.  If he wishes to retain some control over you while you both agree that you will be free to look, I can see all sorts of conflicts and messes.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 2:19:35 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

... he wants to stay in my life as my DOM... I am looking to date other DOM men and hopefully find a relationship.



Personally, as a dominant I have zero interest in anybody who already has one...

_____________________________

- Miss Marie


(in reply to shysub4152)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 2:48:00 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		I read "and me because I was in a little bit of a frenzy...

unfortunately, in the vanilla world, I knew there was too much about him that I would not want in a long term relationship."

Sounds like you are still in a little bit of a frenzy. Are you wanting a long term relationship or just a short term one? If the former he will not work and tell him exactly that and why you feel he will not work for you in the vanilla world and long term. If the latter, then you might want to set out how short of a term he can remain your dom.

Either way, it sounds like he wants you more than you want him.

(in reply to MissToYouRedux)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 4:24:14 PM   
ownecdngurl


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		No way would I allow an ex-Dom to remain my Dom if we had broken up.  I had this happen to me, I remained friends with him, because at the time he needed help and being the type of person I am, I agreed to do this.  It ended disastrously of course, and I had to cut off all contact with him.  He didn't care anything about me, took advantage, and I let him.  No more of that.  An ex is an ex and not to remain in my life.  I have enough problems without having to suffer through someone who isn't willing to let go just because he can't be alone.  Not my problem to fix.

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 4:38:13 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		I would not put myself in this position. It seems like he's trying to keep his finger in the pie and it seems like the potential for drama is huge. You have to ask yourself if you'll even find someone new who will want to put up with this, I wouldn't.

Educate yourself other ways. Slow down, read, come here to the forums and search whatever it is you want to know about. Take your time to formulate opinions and understand what you want, I don't necessarily think anyone else can teach you these things...what do you need him for?

(in reply to shysub4152)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 4:46:13 PM   
sweetcreamsub


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		After post from Janah I asked him several times what was in it for him....what he wanted to achieve, and what he expected... He would never really answer the question. I think it boils down to keeping himself in my life, and hoping I'll change my mind....with sex expected of course.

He said he didn't care about me dating other men, but I was still his. That was it for me. I told him it was a bad idea and thanks anyway...from there it went to insults...which just proves that walking away is the right decision.

Thanks so much for the words of advice.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 4:47:19 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

Question: Can an ex effectively stay a DOM in a sub's life?

I should preface the question by saying that I recently ended a brief relationship with a DOM who claimed me as his sub. In retrospect, too quickly.....him because he is lonely, and looking to settle down....and me because I was in a little bit of a frenzy...

He is my first and only experience with a DOM...a Daddy DOM with a touch of sadistic. Worked for me...unfortunately, in the vanilla world, I knew there was too much about him that I would not want in a long term relationship.

He wants to remain friends, but more than that, he wants to stay in my life as my DOM. I have mixed thoughts and feelings about this, especially as I am looking to date other DOM men and hopefully find a relationship.

I know BDSM is not all about sex....but I am very inexperienced, so I am asking for guidance from some of the more experienced members.

Thanks!



Ok, so you are new to BDSM, are you new to dating?  Imagine meeting a guy, dating for while and then realizing, for whatever reason, that for the long term he was not right for you.  So you break it off with him, and instead of accepting it, he tells you that he wants to remain friends and oh yea, the kind with benefits?  Would you want to do that?

In this case, the BDSM aspects of the guy are "ok" but his vanilla aspects are not to your liking.  So instead of being a grown up about it, he has basically said, "ok, can we be fuck buddies?" 

Don't do it.  He wasn't right for you, move one.  Tell him politely you don't think it will work.  If he doesn't take a polite "no," then let him know that you will show your "vanilla" side the next time and kick him to the curb in a much more literal fashion.

(in reply to shysub4152)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:08:07 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Some people can stay friends with their exes. Some can agree they do better as friends with benefits instead of a romantic relationship.

But as you've seen, both of you need to be on the same page to have this happen.


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:21:20 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For me when a relationship ends, everything ends. He isn't my Dom, I don't view him as dominant in any way, we don't stay friends, we don't stay in contact, I don't bother with him at all. All contact is cut. I have no desire to be around that person any longer...so in answer to your question, it's possible I guess if that's what you both want but for me, no. It wouldn't work. I could no longer stand to be around the person.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:30:18 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreamsub

After post from Janah I asked him several times what was in it for him....what he wanted to achieve, and what he expected... He would never really answer the question. I think it boils down to keeping himself in my life, and hoping I'll change my mind....with sex expected of course.

He said he didn't care about me dating other men, but I was still his. That was it for me. I told him it was a bad idea and thanks anyway...from there it went to insults...which just proves that walking away is the right decision.

Thanks so much for the words of advice.

I'm glad it went that way for you (and him, actually.)

But what's with the different user name?  Usually, the OP stays "put."

But that's okay..... just be SURE you are using the sock-puppets consistently.  Don't use them thusly, and you are asking for a HEAP of trouble. LOL!

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to sweetcreamsub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:56:04 PM   
sweetcreamsub


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Lance-- name change because I am trying to be less shy and I decided that having a screen name as that only mentally reinforced what I was trying to change


(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:57:02 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

But what's with the different user name?


Maybe she met this guy on CM, and he's a stalkerish type. She wants to start fresh. (Or she's no longer shy...) Anyway I'm gald she found out he's not right for her and said goodbye.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:58:11 PM   
ownecdngurl


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreamsub
After post from Janah I asked him several times what was in it for him....what he wanted to achieve, and what he expected... He would never really answer the question. I think it boils down to keeping himself in my life, and hoping I'll change my mind....with sex expected of course.

He said he didn't care about me dating other men, but I was still his. That was it for me. I told him it was a bad idea and thanks anyway...from there it went to insults...which just proves that walking away is the right decision.

Thanks so much for the words of advice.

I'm glad it went that way for you (and him, actually.)

But what's with the different user name?  Usually, the OP stays "put."

But that's okay..... just be SURE you are using the sock-puppets consistently.  Don't use them thusly, and you are asking for a HEAP of trouble. LOL!

Damn, missed that.  Guess old relationship over, new user name.  But take Lance's advice.  Be careful how you post if you're going to be using 2 accounts.  Or delete the old one.  Makes for less confusion, and some just don't take kindly if a 2nd account is being used as a sock puppet.  Juuuuust sayin...........

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 6:59:17 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		No. He is not your dom and will not be your dom. Move on.
Friendship is possible with people you used to be with, but not ownership.
He either wants all of you, (and you want to give it to him) or it's over (as far as a master/sub relationship goes)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to sweetcreamsub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 7:07:45 PM   
Sakone


Posts: 41
Joined: 9/3/2007
From: Queensbury
Status: offline 		I wouldn't do it if I were you. The both of you broke up for a reason, and highly doubt that part has changed in the time you've been apart. Start new go to your local Munch, and parties to find someone new.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 7:11:06 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownecdngurl

Be careful how you post if you're going to be using 2 accounts. Or delete the old one. Makes for less confusion,
and some just don't take kindly if a 2nd account is being used as a sock puppet.  Juuuuust sayin...........



Hey you!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to ownecdngurl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 7:23:35 PM   
sweetcreamsub


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		I deleted the old account....at least I thought I did....there is no profile there. And it has nothing to do with old relationship....just the answer I said previously. Change I want to make in myself....

But the email address attached is the same and the password, so for some reason it still pulls up shy sub. I suck at anything techie so if you can tell me what I am doing wrong, please....

I have no idea what a sock puppet is.....sorry... do explain.
I'm not looking to offend anyone.

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Need input from DOM/DOMMES - 12/10/2011 7:26:42 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		When you log out of here for the night, you may want to clean your internet cache so that
when you log on in the future, the other profile isnt co-existing with this one.
To clean the cache, right click on your internet icon and click properties.
From there you should see an area where it says delete temporary files...etc.
It shouldn't take longer than a few seconds, unless you've never cleared them before.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to sweetcreamsub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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