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RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 1:59:17 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Most people in and out of thr scene are dydfunctional and most of what passes for bdsm is ritualized dysfunction and or co dependent.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM#Psychology

There are only a few studies researching the psychological aspects of BDSM using modern scientific standards. A pivotal survey on the subject was published by US-American psychotherapist Charles Moser in 1988 in the Journal of Social Work and Human Sexuality.[61] His conclusion was that while there is a general lack of data on the psychological problems of BDSM practitioners, some fundamental results are obvious. He emphasizes that there is no evidence for the theory that BDSM has common symptoms or any common psychopathology; Clinical literature, though does not give a consistent picture of BDSM practitioners. Moser emphasizes that there is no evidence at all supporting the theory of BDSM practitioners having any special psychiatric problems or even problems based solely on their preferences.

Agreed. Are some BDSM practitioners dysfunctional? Certainly. But then I see dysfunctional people all the time, and I don't know what they practice sexually or in those "hidden" aspects of their life.

I'm not submissive except within the context of a relationship. It has to do with that switch thingie. I'm dominant in general and literally guard my submissive side like a pitbull on steroids except for the one person who has earned my trust and respect.

Within the context of a relationship, however, I am highly submissive.

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Post #: 21

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 3:55:05 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I dated an ex of Moser who lives in SF...she was a fucking nutcase! Mosers study was done in sf with his friends bevore the internet. Calling it kink, bdsm, etc. doesnt make it healthy, no more than saying NOT being into kink makea you healthy.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 22

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 4:57:30 PM

girlivy

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

in my employment no one would ever even know i was a subbie at heart... i take control, kick ass and take names.... and have full confidance in doing so, as my career...
in my personal life i desire to not even control a light switch... Being raised in a very 50's style household, it is instilled (at least for me) to be naturally submissive to men and women and being aware of others needs, and do my best to provide them.

When in a dynamic with a "D" type i do tend to lack confidance until i feel comfortable enough within the dynamic... rules and rituials help alot

DarkSteven, i am most of the examples you've provided, and do feel so much more at ease when someone else has the control...

_____________________________

AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL GROWTH NEVER COMES FROM EXPERIENCES THAT THE EGO CAN PREDICT OR CONTROL.
OUR SPIRIT HAS ITS OWN AGENDA: OUR DESTINY.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 23

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 7:00:37 PM

domincalifornia

Posts: 88
Joined: 6/7/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subpaul22

I have always considered myself submissive. I have a strong desire to submit and have had for a very long time. Lately I keep wondering to myself if being submissive really is who you are as a person or is just lack of confidence in yourself to be the dominant one? Does anyone else feel this way?

People are submissive for all sorts of reasons. A lot of people who are powerful and confident in their everyday life submit because it's fun and a change of pace. Some people are submissive 24/7. Some people are submissive to a degree within strict boundaries of what they consider submissive. Some people are just submissive now and then for fun but it's not how they define themselves as a person. Some people are only submissive with the right person, and they wouldn't be submissive at all if they didn't find that person. Some people are submissive for a while, and then try being dominant or give up BDSM altogether.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 24

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/14/2011 5:24:28 AM

hellionsLight

Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline

I'm more confident now then I was before I accepting my submissive part of myself. :-) It's been an eye-opener, and it's getting better allthe time!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 25

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/14/2011 5:48:42 AM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subpaul22
I have always considered myself submissive. I have a strong desire to submit and have had for a very long time. Lately I keep wondering to myself if being submissive really is who you are as a person or is just lack of confidence in yourself to be the dominant one? Does anyone else feel this way?

In my case, both. i was born with a submissive temperament and a fetish for pain. The self esteem problems and victim mentality came on their own, probably related to the way i was raised, and those problems were also probably exacerbated by my submissive temperament. That resulted in a series of problems in my life. i'm trying to get over the self esteem and victim thing. The submissive part is still there but, hopefully, it is being transformed into something healthy.

From DarkSteven's list:
i get off on the bond created by that level of trust.
i'm attracted to the confident air of a Dominant person.
i like to please others.

as well as...
Operating within a rigid hierarchy, with clear cut rules and procedures, makes me feel secure.

And especially...
Receiving discipline helps me to achieve a release of tension, anxiety, and guilt that otherwise build up and fester.
Feeling dedicated to something greater than me, and outside myself, gives my life a sense of purpose.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 12/14/2011 6:30:18 AM >

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Post #: 26

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/14/2011 7:31:20 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

Those are great additions, pam. :)

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Midwestern Girl

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Post #: 27

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/14/2011 7:48:38 AM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

while i was growing up, my definition of success and winning changed. my goals went past getting that first date and wrangling the young lady into bed to convincing Her, and myself really that it was worth keeping me around. i always gravitate towards dominant women, so becoming the best sub that i could be seemed quite practical, and tends to work out as a good balance. The most effective thing that i learned in this process (and i still learn) is to keep my focus on my Dominant. No matter who else is in the room or commenting, She remains one's focus.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 28

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/14/2011 8:13:21 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

My motivations and what I get out of this whole thing changes all the time. In honesty I found BDSM when I was in a rather pants place, I didn't think much of myself and indeed believed that the only way to get a person to be interested in me was by doing what they wanted. It got more complicated than that as time went on though. So when I go to an event for example I feel sexy, not something I feel in every day life, that was strange to me at the time, it was almost as though it gave me power which I did enjoy.

Now I have far more balance in my life, I am aware that I can make decisions and do, sometimes, know what is best for me, but that doesn't mean that being submissive makes me weak, it just means the type of people I am attracted to has changed. Now I don't want someone who matches with the initial view of myself, instead I wanted someone who appreciates who I am now. I have found him and if anything he has helped me be more confident than ever before.

I love the way that we develop and change over time, even though it means going through the messy what does it all mean phase.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 29

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/14/2011 1:31:40 PM

Wheldrake

Posts: 477
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subpaul22

I have always considered myself submissive. I have a strong desire to submit and have had for a very long time. Lately I keep wondering to myself if being submissive really is who you are as a person or is just lack of confidence in yourself to be the dominant one? Does anyone else feel this way?

I don't know if submissiveness is "who I am", but it's definitely one aspect of who I am. Most often, though, I strongly prefer to interact with other people in a way that's basically egalitarian. If someone has to be unequivocally in charge, I'd rather that it not be me, because that type of responsibility makes me intensely uncomfortable. However, I'm normally happiest as part of a group that makes decisions by discussion and consensus. I wouldn't describe myself as a particularly confident person, but I've also learned to be somewhat distrustful of high levels of confidence in others. There are plenty of people out there who simply don't know their own limitations.

Now and then, however, I'll come across someone who seems confident in a measured and justified way, who clearly likes power and is comfortable with it, and who has an agenda that strikes me as interesting and worthwhile. Those are the people the submissive side of my personality is drawn to, especially if they happen to be women about my age or older.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 30

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/15/2011 6:32:17 AM

Asherscorp1

Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline

I am by nature submissive. I have the confidence to be dominant and the sadism too for that matter. It doesn't fulfill me though. I don't get the same deep satisfaction from dominating someone as I do from sitting at my Master's feet. One makes me feel complete as a person, the other is just messing around and filling a role.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 31

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/15/2011 6:39:11 AM

kanina

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline

I think there are sub without confidence, yes, but I also think there are doms with lack of it as well an hide behind the title that they have give to themselves...

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Non nobis, domine, sed domine Tuo da gloriam

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Post #: 32

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/15/2011 9:06:16 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

If I lacked confidence I would never seek a Dom. What is the value in owning someone who is weak and unsure of themselves?

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 33

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/15/2011 12:10:15 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

There are people who get a kick out of "fixing" others, and a lot of Ds like to embue themselves with powers of perception and psychology. :p
There was a topic recently on FL where a chick described a person who thought submissive women must be disgusting and essentially broken to even think about submission. It's not an uncommon idea, unfortuately.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 34

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/18/2011 6:53:40 PM

thedoo1969

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/18/2011
Status: offline

Living as a submissive for your Master is power. They are the head, but we are the neck. Submitting and surrendering yourself to another person is a huge act of courage and trust

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 35

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/23/2011 9:13:53 PM

rabbitdearr

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline

Well, i wouldn't say that. When with friends, at work, or outside of the Lifestyle in general, i tend to have a Dominant personality. People tend to point me out as the leader of the group, and i'm usually the one making tasks when in a team setting. But inside of the Lifestyle, i am over - all submissive. Now, when i say this, that means that i am submissive to my Master. As others have stated, i choose to submit. my giving up of choice and freedom to the point that i do is by my own whim. But with saying that, i don't think it's lack of confidence, either. i'm very proud to be at my Master's feet. i find being a true submissive a very strong characteristic that should never be looked down on. So all in all, i don't think it's either. Sometimes, submission just comes with the right person and situations - really no other reason behind it for me,

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 36

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/24/2011 11:52:02 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

She raised me to be a strong, independent woman.

Of course, she has no problem with me being submissive to her, just doesn't like that I am to him.

Have you ever called her on the dichotomy here? Because if you were the strong, independent woman she thinks you ought to be, then you wouldn't be agreeing with her or going along with her, you two would be arguing all the time.

Maybe point out that by raising you to submit to her, she caused you to prefer to submit in all of your interpersonal relationships. Because she didn't really raise you to be strong and independent. Not through her actions. Her actions were opposite to what she espoused in her words.

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Post #: 37

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/25/2011 8:12:43 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

She raised me to be a strong, independent woman.

Of course, she has no problem with me being submissive to her, just doesn't like that I am to him.

Have you ever called her on the dichotomy here? Because if you were the strong, independent woman she thinks you ought to be, then you wouldn't be agreeing with her or going along with her, you two would be arguing all the time.

Maybe point out that by raising you to submit to her, she caused you to prefer to submit in all of your interpersonal relationships. Because she didn't really raise you to be strong and independent. Not through her actions. Her actions were opposite to what she espoused in her words.

If submission was just a matter of "nurture" over "nature" that would be true. I've been attempting to fight my natural submissive nature and have always failed in the process and have never been really happy in doing so (I think she confused my extroverted nature in the arts for strength and independence). For the first time, Master allows me to truly be who I am and loves me for it instead of trying to push an image of who I should be on me (as my family does). What she doesn't realize is that in attempting to be "strong and independent" what I was actually doing was submitting to her (trying to please her by becoming someone I wasn't). This isn't likely to be something she understands, or wants to understand. She has no desire to change her image of me...so I best fall in line ;)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 38

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/25/2011 8:17:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I just thought if you could push it back into her lap, she might stop hassling you every time you get him a cup of coffee. Because whether or not she will change her image of you isn't as important as her respecting your choices and your boundaries. As long as you have to fall in line, then you aren't being happy and you'll want to just stop seeing her. Setting up lines she can't cross is one way to keep that relationship strong while being happy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 39

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/25/2011 10:04:05 AM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

Do you ask yourself who, why, what, where, when & how when it comes to your identity of being a submissive?
Do you submit to everyone and anyone that you meet? How about people that are obviously less intelligent than yourself and do not weld any power play over you? What about strangers?
If you are submissve to everyone you meet. Then I would say that is a really really submissve nature and you certainly DO lack confidence.

I have never felt that one day in my entire life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subpaul22

I have always considered myself submissive. I have a strong desire to submit and have had for a very long time. Lately I keep wondering to myself if being submissive really is who you are as a person or is just lack of confidence in yourself to be the dominant one? Does anyone else feel this way?

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The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 40

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