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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 11:00:22 AM

Lockit

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Whatever any of us might think, you are already involved in the relationship. Some of these things would have been things to think of before the involvement, but sometimes we are in an emotional crisis and don't think of everything. I can well understand where you are coming from Mia. I can understand someone that knew you wanting to help you, whether some of those feelings are 'White Knightish' or some part ego/whatever. I can understand the lost feeling and needing... not wanting... but needing someone to hold your hand and help you balance.

When my son was brain damaged, he died and they were able to bring him back in that window of opportunity. They kept him alive and we had no idea what condition he would be in. Vegetative or otherwise. The hospital took over, wouldn't hear our wishes in the situation and just set out to create a miracle. The hospital system was somehow at fault in some areas and they went on to cover their tail end. I was fighting some serious stuff and it wasn't an overnight situation.

I wasn't eating, sleeping or anything else because I was so busy trying to save my son. It was complicated, we were dealing with a lot of unlawful practices and the story was rather unbelievable. I was in a nightmare.

I took on a dominant. Yes... me... hard core domina, needed domina down time and to be led by the hand at moments. Could I have done it alone? Yes. But it was so much easier, so much more... having him there to be accountable to because I would wear myself out and I was the last person on the list that got attention.

When taking on a partner, I also must think of the effect I would have upon him and if I died, where he would be. Now, I wouldn't be with a helpless person and I wasn't a helpless person, but I found that when in crisis, sometimes it is good to have someone there until you can pick up the pieces of your life and self. I see nothing wrong with it. Some have called it more of a mentoring situation and that is where I am most comfortable with it, but if you call it something else, all well and fine. Some situations might not be, but I can see where your situation could be.

As you heal... as I healed... you grow stronger. That is where you see the things you are now seeing. The relationship whatever you call it will have to change. It may be time for that very long evaluation and talk.

I wish you well and no matter how you have done this, you did what you did and now you can do what you do. No sense getting caught up in what to call it, what might be right or wrong or anything else. Just evaluate and adjust to whatever changes you might need to make and only you can call that. Good luck to you!

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 2:02:13 PM

SireKane

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I have had a couple of relationships like this. It is very fulfilling to see them grow under your guidance and eventually move on to a better one.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 4:53:20 PM

domincalifornia

Posts: 88
Joined: 6/7/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mia177

I am just curious to find out if anyone has ever been in or heard of a similar situation to mine.

Backstory (short version):
I was in a D/s relationship with a dominant man that I loved and adored, as he did me. This past August he unexpectedly died and it left me devastated. All of a sudden the man I trusted my life with, shared my life with was gone. I was not codependent on him in any sense; I had my own life independent of him but he was a daily part of it and I rarely went to bed at night without saying goodnight to him, after a good long chat about anything and everything.

My friends and family had been very supportive of me but I felt that they could not really understand exactly what I was going through. I ended up contacting the man who introduced me to bdsm nearly 10 years ago to talk to him about it. (I have done this over the years; I was very briefly his submissive and we have been in contact regularly but not constantly.) He saw the state I was in (history of depression + losing the most important person in your life = bad) and wanted to help. He offered to take me as his submissive to give me the help, motivation and structure I needed to get back on my feet. I accepted.

So now I am collared to him but I feel as if it isn't a "traditional" scenario. I do love him and he loves me, however this is not a relationship based on romantic feelings. It is based on a mutual history, mutual respect and trust, and my need for help. He is very generous and I know how lucky I am to have him, especially as he is willing to have me for the long term. His ultimate goal is to help me finish my degree (which has suffered due to the death and other factors) and to someday take his collar off of me so I can have a relationship that is the most fulfilling for me, as he cannot do this.

Has anyone else ever done/heard of relationships in this vein, that are not of the romantic archetype? Relationships where there is a different kind of goal or purpose than that of being together/sharing a life together/building a life together?

Doesn't seem unusual to me. If someone is in a vanilla relationship, and their partner dies, it's not untypical to take up with someone to ease the pain. That sounds like what you're doing here.

Deep condolences for your loss.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 5:14:08 PM

wittynamehere

Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mia177
He offered to take me as his submissive to give me the help, motivation and structure I needed. Has anyone else ever done/heard of relationships in this vein, that are not of the romantic archetype?

Yes, I've most commonly seen it labeled "mentor" type relationships. Help, motivation, and structure are certainly some of the reasons people enter into non-romantic relationships. If both of you are getting something positive out of the experience, or at least the positives outweigh the negatives for now, I see it as a good thing.
Also, sorry for your loss.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 5:32:28 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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FR

I can't imagine submitting to somebody I didn't love romantically, its all wrapped up together for me. But then again, I can't imagine submitting to somebody an ocean away either.

When I please her, I want to taste it.

< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 12/13/2011 5:33:15 PM >

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/14/2011 12:49:54 AM

mia177

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Joined: 12/12/2011
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For those who mentioned therapy: I am doing counseling and have been for some time. I am most definitely trying to work through the grieving process with the tools I have.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I can understand the lost feeling and needing... not wanting... but needing someone to hold your hand and help you balance.

...Could I have done it alone? Yes. But it was so much easier, so much more... having him there to be accountable to because I would wear myself out and I was the last person on the list that got attention....

...I wasn't a helpless person, but I found that when in crisis, sometimes it is good to have someone there until you can pick up the pieces of your life and self. I see nothing wrong with it....

^^^ Very much this. Thank you Lockit for putting it into words when I could not.

This relationship is not in any way replacing what I had with my previous Master and the man who has taken me on accepts and honors what I had, even encouraging me to continue the work we started. (He was teaching me leather working and it took me weeks to even go back to the workshop.) I am also not concerned about how it could impact possible future relationships at the moment - we are both aware that his collar will come off one day. But I am willing to wait until that time comes to worry about it.

I appreciate the words of warning from some of you and acknowledge this situation could be very hairy - thank you for the reality check. I will keep it in mind as I continue forward. I do feel that this is what is best for me now, though. If it turns to shit? Well, that's my own damn fault and I'll have to deal with it if it happens.

< Message edited by mia177 -- 12/14/2011 12:50:21 AM >

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/14/2011 1:06:13 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I'll admit that my first thought on reading the headling was "Oh fuck... there is such a thing as a 'traditional' d/s relationship???"

I think that the kind of relationship you've described could certainly work out, and I don't thin that there's necessarily anything "fundamentally unhealthy" about it.

But...I think the warning Awareness provides is spot on. The number of times I've seen dom guys genuinely happy with a non sexual d/s friendship is eclipsed by the number who have said they're genuinely happy with a non sexual d/s friendship but were privately waiting for the moment they could get their oats. That isn't to say that this is valid in your case, and you do seem to have your head screwed on and your eyes open. So, he could well be getting his oats from the distant control.

Out of interest, is this something you plan to be committed to - in other words are you going to stop looking for now?

agreed with the first statement. The whole white knight syndrome from what I understand is in fact fundamentally unhealthy. As much as she likes to say she is/was not codependent from what she has indicated her words tell a totally "different story"

We all have lost someone near and dear. I say that not to understate your loss but to give you a reality check. It's all about how you wake up the next morn and maintain.

Best of luck BadOne

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 12/14/2011 1:12:33 AM >

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/14/2011 5:02:42 PM

MistressDarkArt

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I don't have an opinion about this, but wanted to offer condolences on your loss and the return of joy to your life.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/14/2011 5:45:44 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mia177

I am just curious to find out if anyone has ever been in or heard of a similar situation to mine.

Backstory (short version):
I was in a D/s relationship with a dominant man that I loved and adored, as he did me. This past August he unexpectedly died and it left me devastated. All of a sudden the man I trusted my life with, shared my life with was gone. I was not codependent on him in any sense; I had my own life independent of him but he was a daily part of it and I rarely went to bed at night without saying goodnight to him, after a good long chat about anything and everything.

My friends and family had been very supportive of me but I felt that they could not really understand exactly what I was going through. I ended up contacting the man who introduced me to bdsm nearly 10 years ago to talk to him about it. (I have done this over the years; I was very briefly his submissive and we have been in contact regularly but not constantly.) He saw the state I was in (history of depression + losing the most important person in your life = bad) and wanted to help. He offered to take me as his submissive to give me the help, motivation and structure I needed to get back on my feet. I accepted.

So now I am collared to him but I feel as if it isn't a "traditional" scenario. I do love him and he loves me, however this is not a relationship based on romantic feelings. It is based on a mutual history, mutual respect and trust, and my need for help. He is very generous and I know how lucky I am to have him, especially as he is willing to have me for the long term. His ultimate goal is to help me finish my degree (which has suffered due to the death and other factors) and to someday take his collar off of me so I can have a relationship that is the most fulfilling for me, as he cannot do this.

Has anyone else ever done/heard of relationships in this vein, that are not of the romantic archetype? Relationships where there is a different kind of goal or purpose than that of being together/sharing a life together/building a life together?

Only thing I can say is....what an awful story (love lost/pain/heartache) and what a beautiful story....someone who wanted to pick up a butterfly's wings and hold them, carefully, for a while.

Just be careful.

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 12/14/2011 5:46:40 PM >

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