Lost my way... (Full Version)

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Regweld -> Lost my way... (12/19/2011 3:11:51 PM)

So many years lost...so many good intentions thrown away...

Once, some time ago, I thought I had it all and knew where I was going in life...

There was a destiny, a purpose, something driving me from moment to moment....but then it all changed one day.

I found my one...but she had children that I though I could handle, that I thought I could help raise...it took a few years and countless errors but I figured out that I had no idea what I was doing with them.

I've always been one to rescue the wounded, those with a need, a hurt, and a desire to serve. I thought I wanted to be served but after a pregnancy scare (though why I thought it would be a bad thing escapes me now) and after her having to throw one of her children out of our home because of my mistakes in trying to raise him, I have no idea how to lead anymore...she's even told me that she's now the one leading...and I let it happen. It seemed so much easier to just sit back, let it happen...where have I gone?

I drove myself to push through a bacholor's degree and two master's degrees and a few IT certifications to help better myself only to end up fearing even the smallest choice of where to go for dinner...

my birthday presents to my submissive, several floggers, caused me more pain this weekend upon seeing them then they had ever given her pleasure against her smooth skin.

How can one fall so far...though I will admit not very quickly, it seemed to take years to go from a carefree relationship to one where I can barely make it through a day without a good stiff drink or a bottle of wine...half way through one now to work up the nerve to even post this...

~~~defeated~~~
Regweld...



Lockit -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 3:38:17 PM)

Parenthood isn't for sissies and comes with a whole lot of things, well established parents struggle with. You are or were not alone. However, looking at your age, I would say you took on some older kids and not being there from the start adds some extra challenges.

Breath... don't try to figure it out quickly... take a time out, maybe seek some wise counsel... but breath and don't try to fix anything while feeling as you do.

And... sometimes dominants do say they are lost, because we can be. Anyone that says they have never been lost... or felt lost... has never lived life or life challenges or is lying.

You have years of a situation going on and as it took years and many things to get there, it isn't going to be resolved over night. Go easy... take your time and seek out support systems.



DarkSteven -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 3:49:29 PM)

Agree with Lockit.  And quit drinking.  Also, see a doctor to see if you have a physical reason for depression.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 3:55:54 PM)

As Lockit said, you obviously took on some older children.  You would be amazed at how stuff that happened long before you entered the picture factored in to who they become.

In other words, stop blaming yourself for the one that needed to be thrown out.  Maybe you had some hand in what went wrong, but it wasn't all you.  There was another part that was his mother, another is biological father (absent or not) and still the most important part, the boy himself (saying boy since you said him).  You are feeling guilt believing you failed a child you loved and raised as your own.  You didn't.  I'm sure you weren't perfect, no parent is, but you did what you thought was best and you didn't get the outcome you hoped for.

Forget the whole D/s thing for now.  Stop looking to the bottom of a bottle to help you through the day.  Get into family counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling and AA.  Don't wait until the new year or the holidays are over, make the call now.

You are sinking and need help.  Please get it.  People here (most anyway) are happy to  listen and offer support, but we can't replace a good therapist.

Good luck.



Duskypearls -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 4:09:39 PM)

Reg dear,

As most of us often painfully learn, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, meaning that intentions alone, are often not adequate to meet and conquer many situations, and that without education, practice and skills, it often leads to situational demise; individual or collective.

Many, if not most, lack heightened relational knowledge and skills, and this may become exponentially apparent when dealing with children of any age (esp. teens and older), particularly those belonging to others.

I believe the only way to counter, and equip oneself to resolve, such situations is to educate oneself on said subjects. You said, "I drove myself to push through a bacholor's degree and two master's degrees and a few IT certifications to help better myself..."

May I suggest, for your consideration, that doing exactly that, will help you to inform and equip yourself (in a field you lack knowledge/skills), and allow you to take back your power. It is only an area in which you are presently weak, not perpetually doomed.

Why not offer yourself, and accept, the challenge to rectify the situation? One only becomes facile or expert on any topic by inquiry, adoption, and application of that which they've learned. It's all a learning process, and does not happen by wish or dream, but by practical effort.

So you got thrown off one rank horse, and it hurt...ouch! Do not let it keep you from ever mounting another. Go ahead and lick your emotional wounds enough to stauch the blood flow, but do not allow yourself to wallow in the Self Pity Pond. That would be a great loss and shame, as well as a disservice to yourself and the rest of the world. Make it your goal to conquer this.

Good luck!



JanahX -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 4:13:59 PM)

Alcohol is a depressant. You already sound depressed. Whatever you're doing and whatever path you are on, ... you need to stop. It is obviously the wrong one. If you are so unhappy, then you need to make some major changes.



Regweld -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 5:09:12 PM)

wow...just wow...

sometimes it's easy to fall into a negative path and just keep spirally downwards...my girlfriend, which is what she is now, not my little one or my submissive anymore, has definitely tried to break me out of this patten before but eventually even she has to give up and put her energy into something more productive, especially when it comes to the choice of her children or me. and I honestly can't blame her for picking her children over me.

It should have never come to that sort of choice...

I can't believe how wonderful the folks here are, especially with freely giving their advice.

Yes, I have looked into medications and am on a few but they don't cover the extreme spikes that I occasionally get though I'll admit that it seems lately, when it comes to a second child flunking out of school and being put out of the house for failing, it is definitely an extreme spike to deal with and today it hit me that I may not be dealing with it as best as a normal person could be or would be.

I also have to admit that she is an amazing woman to be able to handle her children and occasionally me acting even worse then one of her kids...and I do hate to have to admit that!!!

I will keep the advice in mind that you wonderful folks have given me, specially Lockit, Lafeyette Lady, and DuskyPearsls.

Thank you everyone for the encouragement...especially about putting down the wine...it helps for a little while but doesn't fix anything, especially long term.

~Reg~



DarkSteven -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 5:12:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Get into family counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling and AA.  Don't wait until the new year or the holidays are over, make the call now.



I agree, but see a physician first.  Rule out physical causes before going to counseling.



BikerDomRealTime -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 7:57:02 PM)

Reg,

As many have said eveyone loses their way on occaision. There is a thing called the self fullfilling prophecy, you are what you believe yourself to be. Going to see a doctor is good, but you have to pick yourself up. Start taking control of your life. Get help for the alchohol and depression, but you have to do it. If you want your 'girlfriend' to be your little one or submissive, then do it, take control of her and yourself.



Kana -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 9:09:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Regweld

So many years lost...so many good intentions thrown away...

Once, some time ago, I thought I had it all and knew where I was going in life...

There was a destiny, a purpose, something driving me from moment to moment....but then it all changed one day.

I found my one...but she had children that I though I could handle, that I thought I could help raise...it took a few years and countless errors but I figured out that I had no idea what I was doing with them.

I've always been one to rescue the wounded, those with a need, a hurt, and a desire to serve. I thought I wanted to be served but after a pregnancy scare (though why I thought it would be a bad thing escapes me now) and after her having to throw one of her children out of our home because of my mistakes in trying to raise him, I have no idea how to lead anymore...she's even told me that she's now the one leading...and I let it happen. It seemed so much easier to just sit back, let it happen...where have I gone?

I drove myself to push through a bacholor's degree and two master's degrees and a few IT certifications to help better myself only to end up fearing even the smallest choice of where to go for dinner...

my birthday presents to my submissive, several floggers, caused me more pain this weekend upon seeing them then they had ever given her pleasure against her smooth skin.

How can one fall so far...though I will admit not very quickly, it seemed to take years to go from a carefree relationship to one where I can barely make it through a day without a good stiff drink or a bottle of wine...half way through one now to work up the nerve to even post this...

~~~defeated~~~
Regweld...



Question-And this may sound flippant, but I promise it's not.
Do you know who you are?
Cuz it sounds like you've lost sight of that, which is pretty freaking massive.
And when I say who you are I ain't talking bout what you do for a living or the music that you listen to or any such shit-I'm talking about what values do you have, what do you live by/for, what drives you...you know, the internal things.



Awareness -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 10:52:01 PM)

You stopped making the hard choices and stopped growing as a result.

One of the ever-present realities is this.  Life is about growth or stagnation.  You can either grow or stagnate.  Women respect a man who grows and leads them on a path through life.

You relaxed, you stopped striving, stopped trying and let your woman become your mother.

The good news is, it's entirely up to you.  Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself, pull yourself together, get your shit together and get back on the road to striving for a better life.  It is - and I strongly emphasise this - entirely up to you.  You have the capability to make it happen.  You just need to get off your ass and make it happen.

Forget the chick.  If you're still with her, then ditch her, because she's sure as shit going to ditch you.  Be on your own, get your shit together, build your life.  And this time, work to keep it.



SweetCheri -> RE: Lost my way... (12/19/2011 11:00:30 PM)

quote:

You stopped making the hard choices and stopped growing as a result.

One of the ever-present realities is this.  Life is about growth or stagnation.  You can either grow or stagnate.  Women respect a man who grows and leads them on a path through life.

You relaxed, you stopped striving, stopped trying and let your woman become your mother.

The good news is, it's entirely up to you.  Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself, pull yourself together, get your shit together and get back on the road to striving for a better life.  It is - and I strongly emphasise this - entirely up to you.  You have the capability to make it happen.  You just need to get off your ass and make it happen.

Forget the chick.  If you're still with her, then ditch her, because she's sure as shit going to ditch you.  Be on your own, get your shit together, build your life.  And this time, work to keep it.
Regweld, please keep in mind that this advice comes from a man who has never had a chick to ditch, so take it with a grain or thirty thousand of salt.



crazyml -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 12:39:58 AM)

Choose.

Choose to sort your shit out.

Choose to give up the booze.

Choose to take back control of your life.

That isn't to say this is likely to be easy, fuck no, and there's nothing wrong at all with getting help and support (AA, your Doc, your partner).

You know you can do it - you've done it before (your degrees).

One thing though...

quote:

when it comes to a second child flunking out of school and being put out of the house for failing


and

quote:

after her having to throw one of her children out of our home because of my mistakes in trying to raise him


This bothers me. Either, you need to support the awesomely tough choice she's had to make or you need to step up and insist that if the child's failure is a fault of parenting (and bear in mind, both of you - surely - have a responsibility for the raising of the child) and that you should be supporting, helping, guiding him rather than putting him out.

God knows I wouldn't claim to be an expert on parenting, but I do know that all I can do as a parent is to try to give my children the best start I can in terms of values, education and character. And I've had to make some tough tough calls... as to whether they were right or wrong, all I can say is that I hope that, every time, I've tried to make the choice that was best for the child. If your partner has tried to make the best choice for her boy you should support her. If you don't think it's the right choice then you should, gently, challenge her.



FrostedFlake -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 12:53:47 AM)

quote:

~Uncle Reg~
Thank you everyone for the encouragement...especially about putting down the wine...it helps for a little while but doesn't fix anything, especially long term.


Important that you said that. Booze "doesn't fix anything". But it doesn't help, either. All it does is take your mind off your problems. That may seem like help, but, with your problems off your mind you cannot try to solve them. Your motive can easily become avoiding your problems and that is as easy as drinking. In the long term, this will make you a drunk.

Quoting myself :
quote:


MESSAGE TO A FRIEND

You are what you think. Not what you think you are, just, what you think. That miraculous spark behind your eyes is very much more you than the whole of your body.

Sit. Close your eyes. Breathe. Observe.

If nothing you truly see, then watch for a while. Try to imagine nothing watching you, but don't try hard. Is there an end to it? Look to the edge of nothing. Look around.

This is where you are. You are the only one here. Look around long enough and you will learn to see what it is you are looking around ... with.

Amazing. To me. That each could be as I see myself, if I see clearly. But, then, the way I see it is just the way I see it, See?

So. What do you see?


I think there is something useful there, but it is you who must make up your mind.

quote:

George S. Patton
I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.


Do keep in mind that at your age, the road before is much longer than the road behind.

I wish you Health and Happiness.
Frosted Flake



sheisreeds -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 5:22:32 AM)

I have found that this sort of thing can have a lot of sources, and very often all of them at the same time.

Four years ago my soul was very very sick.

It took at least a year to recognize that there was a problem, 6 months to figure out what the problem was, and 18 months to solve it.

It was a painful, cathartic, awe inspiring, wonderful, and life altering experience.

And four years ago I had no idea that the happiness I have in my life today could have ever existed.

A couple of random notes on what you wrote, as I have little context for what you are going through right now:
- In our twenties and early thirties our bones are still soft and our minds our still largely unaware. We often compromise ourselves without knowing.
- Grad school can rip you apart.
- While it's always important to look inward at what we ourselves can do different (as you can only control and change you), it takes two to tango.

Things that helped me through my existential crisis:
- journaling, a lot. Especially places where I could get some feedback.
- Spending time by myself, away from home.
- Reconnecting with friends.
- Reconnecting with my values.

A therapist is a good idea, AA could be too. We can't assess your drinking though.

I'm worried about the kids, they should probably get some counseling.



Higuysitsme -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 5:30:15 AM)

There are two of you in this relationship, right? So why are you taking all the blame for this womans kids on yourself? She has a responsibility for at least half of the parenting that has been going on. and does she sound worried? Or is she actually helping you to keep heaping the blame on yourself, 'because you're the dom and should take charge of everything!?!' I think you need to take a step back and have a look at this. However, I also agree with Steven and Lockit, amongst others; you are showing clear signs of a depressive condition, and need to make sure that, even if you're currently on medication, that it is in fact the right one for you. So check out with your physician, and also get recommendations for some qualified effective counselling to help you look at your issues of self esteem and the current problems in your life. And yes, stop self medicating with the booze; it only seems to help in the short term; in the long, it just makes things worse.

Feel free to talk too; it usually helps.

All best wishes to you. Eventually, if you work at it, even this will pass.



DesFIP -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 5:58:45 AM)

Get help with your own issues. Full physical, alcoholism counseling, family counseling.
If you folks have two kids failing at school, I strongly suggest you get them tested for: drug & alcohol use, ADHD, other learning disabilities.

You say that your mood swings are wilder than would normally present as depression. If so, you should be tested for bipolar disorder as well.

You can't fix it if you don't know what it is that needs fixing. Diagnosis first, then the appropriate professional help. For you and for the kids.



tazzygirl -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 11:07:11 AM)

Reg, Im not clear on this point... are you two still together? You call her your girlfriend in a subsequent post, so I am going on the basis that you are.

Im going to speak from the kneel side of the equation for a moment.

She hasnt given up on you, you have given up on yourself. From a submissive point of view, thats extremely painful for us to watch. That she hasnt walked away speaks alot for how much she cares about you. Despite the advice given above, feel thankful she is still there and has taken the lead while you obviously cannot.... someone has too.

Thats not a criticism, its not snark, its not a dig... its just the truth. If the man I am with now becomes unable to handle something in life (We are actually going through something he is finding extremely hard to face) then I feel it becomes my place to make things easier, even if that means stepping outside of my role and taking over where he cannot.

You need to work on you, not on being in charge of another. Its my opinion that she is supporting that belief as well. She is there, she is waiting... question is, are you going to take this time to become the person she needs you to be.

All she can do is support you or leave. The work is up to you.

I do wish you the best of luck.



kalikshama -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 12:25:52 PM)

I agree with everyone else about alcohol making things worse and getting therapy. I also wanted to address this:

quote:

when it comes to a second child flunking out of school and being put out of the house for failing


The child was put out for failing? I would consider this a parenting or schooling failure. Can you even legally do this? Has this child been tested for medical or emotional issues contributing to poor performance in school?

For most of my brother's academic career, he was told he was lazy or wasn't trying. Turns out he has a right hemisphere brain disorder.




EmilyRocks -> RE: Lost my way... (12/20/2011 12:29:33 PM)

Booze will destroy your life and the lives of those near you, it will cripple your mind, it will ruin your health, it will eat away at your soul, and in the end it will kill you.

Give it up now. Not tomorrow, not in 10 minutes.

Stop. Right. Now.

Pour all the booze in your house down the drain and never touch a drop again. You will never ever regret the decision.



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