RE: Different does not mean fake

RE: Different does not mean fake (Full Version)

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GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 12:20:54 AM)
I don't think I have ever used the word "fake", but I have said "be real". I guess I mean by that, read My profile, see what I am looking for, and if you feel there is something possible, follow instruction and email Me appropriately! Doesn't mean there isn't room for negotiation if the chemistry is right, but I do pretty much lay it out there! Now "be real" means" be realistic" about this lifestyle. I'm not seeking a play partner, and I do state I am a Pro Domme. I don't do knives, needles, creampie, cyber or send lots of nudie pictures etc. etc. My kink may not be yours, so why write to Me in the first place, if you didn't have this type of relationship in mind at all? I often wonder.... That said, I agree. There is alot of bandying about of certain words that are inappropriate. W/we can always agree to disagree on certain things. But when it comes to writing to be a live-in slave, just be realistic and honest. I said somewhere else that there are probably as many types of D/s relationships as there are Doms/Dommes/subs/slaves. E/each has to work their own way through. It doesn't make anyone's style less real.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 5:25:12 AM)
quote: Now "be real" means" be realistic" about this lifestyle. I personally would not interpret "be real" as "be realistic". If you mean "be realistic", then you should say "be realistic". The quality about being real is being true, being genuine. The quality about realistic does not attack the person but rather comments on the attitude. And yes, I've met plenty with unrealistic expectations. I do not however consider them to be fake or unreal. I consider them to be uninformed or misguided. Some I will chose to help, but I can’t help them all. I am not the Mother Theresa of BDSM. Just my thought - LA

susannah -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 9:34:40 AM)
I am so glad this forum exists...it is so valuable. I have loved this entire thread - sometimes I will go back and read or re-read an entire thread because I think it could apply to what's going on in my relationship, and/or or just life in general (I love reading all of the sentences folks attach to the bottom of thier posts. One of my favorites I can think of at the moment (I think it belongs to Goddess Jules, is: "I am Nobody, because Nobody is perfect"! Also love the one at the bottom of I think it's Goddess Dusty Gold's: "Don't ever get to that place where you think you know (Zen saying). Of course there are many others, this is just what comes to mind now. I have seen so much good stuff Mistresses write (Dread, in particular, too) but these sayings are just what popped into my head when I read this thread at this moment...Thank you for starting this thread Lady Angelika. In this past week, I have come to appreciate what Mistresses, in particular, have to say (and of course what everyone says is valuable, and I am a sub - it's just that, with "where I'm at this week" in my life, I find their perspective so enlightening). I find what many subs and Doms say extremely valuable, of course, too. I thought what is written here can apply to trying to get to know anyone: subs, Doms/Dommes, Tops/bottoms, Masters/slaves, etc. I appreciate this forum so much can be learned here. "When you take a look at all the work that has been done in psychology to determine all the different personality types (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator, etc) and all the research on metacognition and learning styles, it is so sad to see that so many dominants expect a submissive to fit in a mould and learn at the same pace and be ready to do our bidding at our pace. I commend those who take pleasure in watching a submissive come into their own".[end-quote]. Yes! We are all different from eachother -and I think remembering that can help people so much when they are trying to appreciate another's perspective, (whether or not they take any personality test assessments, or identify as M/s, Dom/me or sub, Top or bottom, or whether they are straight, gay, bi or transgendering. Or whether they are into "extreme" or "sensual" forms of bdsm (which is all in the eye of the beholder and whatever "works" for them anyway). I know at different times, I've taken some semblance of the Myers-Briggs test three times, and every single time, I have been listed as INFJ (Introverted, Ituitive, Feeling Judger (judger just mean "organized", as some may know, not anything along the lines of judgmental. I know there are folks who inisist I am an Extrovert, and to convince them otherwise, I have to come right out and say I am not, but have merely "adapted" for the workworld, etc. and because I was raised by two "powerful personalities", I can fake that pretty well - but it's Not who I am (I am a "quieter, but thinking, sub). And even though I "adapt" to my partner's needs, I think it's invaluable when people remember, if they are in ANY relationship, that we are all "coming from a different place" as far as personality and experiences. Although my situation is different than many others (I am a sub in a monogamous Vanilla marriage, introducing my hubby to bdsm) I love this forum, and consider it So invaluable - and I hope, for the record, that nobody resents that I participate, just because I am currently "not looking" for a partner. But I know all are welcome...(but I do feel "different" that way). I think what has been said here applies so well to so many other situations, as far as how people relate "online" to eachother in general - it is so good this idea was posted. Right on! - susannah

srahfox -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 11:27:20 AM)
This truely is a wonderful post. I know there has been a few things I've come across while reading where people just attacked the person who put up the post. A bit of it was because they didn't think it was right or safe. Really how much of BDSM is safe? The only people I would ever say are fake in this forum would be the people who are in here just trolling to get laid and not really interested in what we are here for. And then they would only be fake because they are here under false pretences. Just bcause you only do this on line doesn't make you fake.. maybe there is no other way you can do it. Just because you won't call everyone Domm master/mistress doesn't make you fake... could just mean they don't feel you are their Dom. I think some of it comes from thinking you can become some kind of instant Master just by saying you're domm. (Instant Master, just add whip.:) I'm sure there are people out there who don't think I'm sub because i'm Married to my Master.

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 4:16:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: Now "be real" means" be realistic" about this lifestyle. I personally would not interpret "be real" as "be realistic". If you mean "be realistic", then you should say "be realistic". The quality about being real is being true, being genuine. The quality about realistic does not attack the person but rather comments on the attitude. And yes, I've met plenty with unrealistic expectations. I do not however consider them to be fake or unreal. I consider them to be uninformed or misguided. Some I will chose to help, but I can’t help them all. I am not the Mother Theresa of BDSM. Just my thought - LA Good point LA. I will rethink that, and perhaps be a little clearer in My profile. Perhaps it will help, perhaps it won't. But at least I can try! I'm always willing to try! Yes, I do feel that many are misguided, and don't understand the differences between living it and playing for a night, or weekend or whatever. Or really the "whole" as opposed to the "playtime". I try to gently prod in a more "realistic" direction when possible, but there are only so many hours in the day! So if y'all see My profile pending again, it's because I might change a little verbage. srahfox... A/all are welcome here, and it is a good way to learn different POVs and rethink your own definitions or get out of a place where you might find yourself stuck. W/we are A/all human and W/we all do get complacent within our own comfort zone. Always gotta try to keep an open mind! Don't think you are less because you are a sub. If there weren't any subs, who would I dominate! Welcome...

ChrisGreen -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 6:39:38 PM)
I equate to your argument, since I am not what most dominants would regard as submissive, beyond the fact that I submit to punishment by female disciplinarians. However, I can be submissive for those ladies who have 'command presence' - it is a matter of emotional and mental chemistry. However, in the main, I come over as dominant, and tend to regard myself as a switch, even though I am not particularly interested in dominating others. Regards

Suleiman -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/25/2004 7:15:58 PM)
Actually, back when I was a live-in, my mistress was very fond of admonishing me to be real. She was never very good at actually explaining what that meant, other than giving me the impression that being a geek was not real, which I always resented, since it is very much who I am. I think, if you are going to demand that someone be real, that you should carefuly consider what you believe reality to be.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 5:07:32 AM)
quote: The only people I would ever say are fake in this forum would be the people who are in here just trolling to get laid and not really interested in what we are here for. And yet, they are real at being trolls. ;) Perhaps sometime we jump to conclusions too fast about trolls. They are curious and maybe they'll learn, maybe they won't. ________ Thanks so much for all the input so far. I'm loving all that I'm reading and all these really great responses. - LA

LadyBeckett -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 5:43:17 AM)
quote: So if y'all see My profile pending again, it's because I might change a little verbage. I stay in a state of "Profile Pending" these days. lol

OMC -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 6:01:50 AM)
quote: Perhaps sometime we jump to conclusions too fast about trolls. They are curious and maybe they'll learn, maybe they won't. At some point we were all 'wannabes'. A wise person once said 'a wannabe is simply a person who with an open mind will become a 'gonnabe'. A fact of life is that a persons perception is their reality. If you want their reality to change you have to change the perception. You will not be successful by attacking the perception. Attacks bring defense. Defense brings a tighter hold to their beliefs. The best way to change a persons perception is to show them a different one that works, while not attacking what they hold currently as true. They will make the comparision between what they are being shown and what their beliefs are themselves, and adjust to fit into their life what works for them and what doesn't. Their reality and your (my) reality doesn't have to be the same. My Dad had a saying 'everyone is someone else's redneck'. Exchange 'wannabe', 'faker' and 'troll' with redneck as it applies to your favorite derogatory term and perhaps you will see that others view -your- reality the same as you view theirs. Doesn't make anyone right or wrong. Good or bad. Just different.

srahfox -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 6:38:01 AM)
I typically try to lead my life that way. I know that I have an unconventional religion that many my see as evil, so I simply try to be the best and most caring person I can be. To show them different. Some with BDSM, not that I tell the whole world, but the people who do know I try to show i'm a regular decent person. Maybe they won't be put off by it. who knows. Truely what I ment earlier was that someone not into BDSM just thinking they could get laid here would be here under false pretences. I guess that makes more sense that sayine they are fake. I would attack them personally for it (Other than using it here as an example) and if in the end they truely wanted to know more about it I wouldn't shun them for it. I guess I would just get a little rankled to have someone here useing this forum for something other than what it it. One of the things that is cool about this place is that it is open top everyone. No one looks at your intrests and goes... nah, we don't want your type here. Lastly, I don't really care if people think I'm a true submissive or not. I believe it and I'm the one who has to live with it so that's all that really matters.

Deleted User -> [Deleted] (10/26/2004 8:16:56 AM)
[Deleted by Admins]

susannah -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 2:33:17 PM)
Moderator Six - Touche'! I don't know if anyone is aware how dear some people hold what they learn from reading these threads. This one I re-wrote and it's on my PC w/all the rest of my "faves." "To be a fake at something, there must be some standard for being it that you pretend to meet, but don't. That is a little hard to do in a lifestyle where the standard held most dear is not to hold anyone to a standard." -susannah

Brindle -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 2:58:04 PM)
In my view, the only person that is a fake is one who refuses to accept who they are, denies their self, retreats into fantasy v.s reality, and who is unable to deal with the revelations about themselves that life, learning and experience bring.

GazeDeep -> RE: Different does not mean fake (10/26/2004 3:57:39 PM)
quote: it is so sad to see that so many dominants expect a submissive to fit in a mould and learn at the same pace and be ready to do our bidding at our pace. Wow! There's a mold for submissives...quick where can I get one!?!?!? On a serious note, I have to agree with LadyAnglika, different is not necessarily fake. Some people march to a different drummer than others. There's no reason to condemn them if their idea of submission does not match yours. However, if they are posing as something they are not...one must label them as "fake". After all, if someone handed you a stone and said it was a diamond and you discovered it to be a cubic zirconia, you wouldn't call it a "different diamond" would you? Of course not, you'd call it a fake. quote: To be a fake at something, there must be some standard for being it that you pretend to meet, but don't. That is a little hard to do in a lifestyle where the standard held most dear is not to hold anyone to a standard. I have to disagree here. While we (i.e. most) are accepting of the different flavors of D/s "interests"...there are still certain standards we hold each other to. Respect, patience, understanding, compassion, (and others) are all basic standards we, as a group, expect each other to follow. Those that fail to follow that basic set of standards are not accepted or are ostracized by us. Individually we set agreed upon standards of behavior and expectation for our partners and they for us. One cannot guide a submissive without setting standards for her to follow, otherwise she will flounder and thrash in a world of confusion and mixed signals. Likewise Dominants must set standards for themselves as well and strive follow them just as fervently as they expect their submissive to do. They will follow our lead, and if we ignore our own standards, we can hardly fault them for not following the standards we set for them.

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