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none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 4:13:10 AM

theidaeof

Posts: 16
Joined: 12/18/2011
Status: offline

Hi.

just wondering if anyone has been in a committed relationship with a partner that wasn't kink minded?. I mean you love you partner and the foundations weren't built on fulfillment of your kink, but mutual respect, trust and love. My wife is great. tolerent and open minded. She does think or feel about the Kink ( i hope you don't mind me referring to BDSM in such a fashion. I am using a braod term becasue everyone is different) like i do.

I am really aroused by submisson and love bondage, and the feeling of vulnerability. She has and does indulge me to it and gets into it when we play. Though previously i have fallen prey to topping from the bottom, which means i get the actual description of what i want, but not what i desire. Loss of control. We talk about it and reslove and every time we play it gets better.

I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or curretnly in one?. Did or has your partner changed and become more aware and grown into the kink?. Or are they tolerent/understanding and indulge only when you ask for it?, or has something else developed.

currently i'm in a state that i get cravings ( like withdrawls when you haven't had a smoke in ages ), but i hold back from asking for dominance/bondage because i feel it's not the same if i ask for it. As opposed it something being suggested by my wife.

I'm trying my best to avoid sounding like I am complaining, because I am not. either way kink or no kink I love my wife.

thanks for your time.

Saludos!

Post #: 1

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 5:30:03 AM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

My ex-husband and I when we got together maintained some of my kinkiness. I was 21 at the time, and thought I was pretty lucky to have someone who would fight with me. Though overtime it stopped, and lost it's passion, and it never escalated.

It was the equivalent of throwing a frog in a pot of water and slowly raising the heat. I didn't even realize the relationship was killing me.

And it wasn't just about kink. Though kink was a very obvious symptom of the disease.

I remember one day waking up and realizing I was completely lost. I didn't know what was wrong, just that everything around me wasn't right. I wasn't sure how I got there. I started digging through myself trying to figure out what was wrong, and evaluating my life choices and making as many new ones as I needed to. I switched jobs, I started journaling a lot. Then the dreams started, I started having kinky dreams that woke me up in cold sweats.

I went away by myself for a few days just to figure me out. I remember just feeling completely numb, and unhappy with myself. Right before checkout it all hit me and I realized I had been living a lie, and that my husband was in love with someone that did not exist.

He loved a quiet, quirky girl, who was a little sad, but had a good heart. Perhaps at one point I wanted to be that person, but I wasn't, and couldn't be. And he couldn't love who I really was. A twisted, often loud, dark hearted and haunted girl.

Within a few weeks I was gone.

It sounds nuts, but kink was an important theme of the whole thing. The dreams didn't go away when I left, and the memories began to flood me. Like the time when I was 19 and my boyfriend ripped open my back with his nails. I was plagued by the smell of blood, and not sure if I was completely insane. I was working on a performance festival and it turned into my manifesto on BDSM. Within a few months I was getting beaten up in my new apartment. And that was the beginning of now.

Though it should be stated that my current partner (of 3 years), and I share or compliment all of our dark spots and quirks, only one of those (albeit a major one) being BDSM.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to theidaeof)

Post #: 2

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 6:32:29 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

I tried the nilla thing for a few years-didn't work, and not for the reason most would think.
What happened was that I found myself enjoying sex less and less ( I like a wee bit o`the old ultra-violence in my sex, my droogs) and began fantasizing in my head while I was fucking her. Which meant I was acting a lie, fucking one with my cock while thinking about someone/something else (Thing being defined as twisted act of sadism/bdsm/humiliation etc...).

This meant that I was also bring the lie into every area of our relationship, because I was pretending to be someone that I am not, and that lack of trust, that lack of ability to share openly and honestly about who and what I am eventually caused cracks that helped shatter our relationship.
Not the kink. Not the sex, or the lack thereof.
It was much more that by not bring all of me to her, as she deserved and merited, I was robbing both her and myself of what could be...and that's just wrong wrong wrong no matter how ya cut it.
Which sucked, because most of the women I dated in this time were great women, smart, attractive, vibrant, alive..and they deserved a guy who could give them all that he was...and I couldn't.
So I don't do the nilla thing anymore. It just ain't the way I'm wired.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sheisreeds)

Post #: 3

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 7:31:53 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Several regulars here are in a relationship where both partners are D and so have or seek an s outside the relationship. It takes a lot of communication and willingness to make this work for it to work - I am not suggesting you sneak off to a Domme but to get your wife's blessing.

***

I've reread your post - so she's willing but doesn't initiate? Well, by far the easiest thing for you to do would be to initiate. It may go against your personality, but it's worth it.

(in reply to theidaeof)

Post #: 4

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 7:38:00 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am poly. I am primarily interested in women. Male equipment doesn't trip my trigger and any partner that would try to operate on a M/f or 50/50 basis relationship would be screwed with me, and not in a good way.

That being said, I have one relationship that is at 20+ years and is 100% kink free......unless you count the lack of sex a kink. This relationship is very important to me. He is my best friend and a great companion. We have history. We've been through A LOT together. Keeping the relationship strong is more important to ME than kink.

That all being said......if a woman (and there just might be one....

) that is willing to accept all of the above and become a part of my life, relationship, family....comes along. I am not going to let her go! And with her, my kink hungers will be fed.....along with a few other...

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to theidaeof)

Post #: 5

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 7:40:50 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

My late husband wasn't into BDSM at all. He actually gave me permission to search for it, however, that just didn't feel right. I'm monogamous to the bone. Anyway, I did enjoy doing things for him when he became ill. When he passed away the service was what I missed most of all.

It comes down to deciding what is most important in your life. It is kink or your marriage? We all have to make our own choices.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to theidaeof)

Post #: 6

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 8:14:58 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Indeed.

To ME.......people and relationships take priority. I don't preach anything, especially my way......because I know that my way is not for most.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 7

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 9:24:44 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

My ex was not into this at all. However the sex was still okay and the relationship lasted until other stresses made him check out mentally. That was the end for me, I needed a fully engaged partner who was fully committed to his family, and he wasn't that.

Had he been that, I would have stayed and just kept fantasizing during masturbation.

However, op, I want to address a common misconception you posted. That you think it is unsubly to ask for domination or kink. I am now in a d/s relationship that has slowly turned into tpe over the years. He's a steamroller and just sort of took everything over. But I am encouraged to ask him for what I need. Since we are compatible, usually I get it. Sometimes the timing isn't right, one or the other isn't up to it. He had other plans etc. But he'll keep it in mind and do it eventually.

When you don't tell your wife what you need, you are lying to her. Plus she isn't a mind reader and won't know if you're relaxed enough from work to enjoy play, or not. And she might well enjoy you begging for what you want. The Man doesn't believe I'm not being submissive if I wander out naked and drape myself over his knee. If he wants to spank me, he will. If the game is at an exciting part, he'll leave me there till he feels like doing it. Or he'll tell me "not now" and I go back and get dressed. It's his decision to do it, and what to do. All I'm doing is giving him information as to what I want.

And there's nothing wrong with her wanting you to enjoy play. Dominant does not equal sadist.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 10:02:16 AM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

I tried the nilla thing for a few years-didn't work, and not for the reason most would think.
What happened was that I found myself enjoying sex less and less ( I like a wee bit o`the old ultra-violence in my sex, my droogs) and began fantasizing in my head while I was fucking her. Which meant I was acting a lie, fucking one with my cock while thinking about someone/something else (Thing being defined as twisted act of sadism/bdsm/humiliation etc...).

That started to happen I tried to push it away. Pretty much completely stopped all intimacy, became a complete cunt about and then it started haunting my dreams. The kink just wouldn't go away. Kinda incredible. And he couldnt understand it.
After a while I realized he didn't have it in him. And I was not fair and couldn't be.

Somewhere along the way I lost interest in being me. I became a ghost, and somehow managed to convince myself I was happy. The infamous moment was a few days before the wedding my ex-switch told me he thought I making a mistake, the light was out of my eyes, and I wasn't who he used to know. The day I moved out of the house I called him and thanked him.

quote:

This meant that I was also bring the lie into every area of our relationship, because I was pretending to be someone that I am not, and that lack of trust, that lack of ability to share openly and honestly about who and what I am eventually caused cracks that helped shatter our relationship.
Not the kink. Not the sex, or the lack thereof.
It was much more that by not bring all of me to her, as she deserved and merited, I was robbing both her and myself of what could be...and that's just wrong wrong wrong no matter how ya cut it.
Which sucked, because most of the women I dated in this time were great women, smart, attractive, vibrant, alive..and they deserved a guy who could give them all that he was...and I couldn't.
So I don't do the nilla thing anymore. It just ain't the way I'm wired.

This, all of this, just switch the pronouns.

The past 4 years have been the best in my life, in all ways, I have never been so present and able to be who I am.

The four years before: soul suicide.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 9

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 10:45:39 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theidaeof

Hi.

just wondering if anyone has been in a committed relationship with a partner that wasn't kink minded?. I mean you love you partner and the foundations weren't built on fulfillment of your kink, but mutual respect, trust and love. My wife is great. tolerent and open minded. She does think or feel about the Kink ( i hope you don't mind me referring to BDSM in such a fashion. I am using a braod term becasue everyone is different) like i do.

I am really aroused by submisson and love bondage, and the feeling of vulnerability. She has and does indulge me to it and gets into it when we play. Though previously i have fallen prey to topping from the bottom, which means i get the actual description of what i want, but not what i desire. Loss of control. We talk about it and reslove and every time we play it gets better.

I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or curretnly in one?. Did or has your partner changed and become more aware and grown into the kink?. Or are they tolerent/understanding and indulge only when you ask for it?, or has something else developed.

currently i'm in a state that i get cravings ( like withdrawls when you haven't had a smoke in ages ), but i hold back from asking for dominance/bondage because i feel it's not the same if i ask for it. As opposed it something being suggested by my wife.

I'm trying my best to avoid sounding like I am complaining, because I am not. either way kink or no kink I love my wife.

thanks for your time.

Saludos!

What I highlited says it all. I don't know what it is about ppl that think the grass is always greener. Ive seen lots of post from ppl that can't find that kink partner that have been looking for years <according to them> as if love has nothing to do with it. I got lucky in that not only do I love the girl I'm with shes almost as twisted as I am. It took me a long time to find her and I'm keeping her.

With that said I would have kept her without the kink.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to theidaeof)

Post #: 10

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 11:27:39 AM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

Awwww, lucky her!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 11

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 11:48:25 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Yup. Aanndd I regretted itt. Beeinig kinky isn't what I do it's who I am anndd hiis complete aannd total unwillliinnggneess to even consider exploring it wsith me aand his complete sexual selfishnes hhaad mee seriouslly unsatisfied and unnhahpppy with that aspect of "us"

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 12

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/22/2011 3:27:50 PM

Soyokaze

Posts: 390
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline

Nothing good ever comes from hanging around normal people (I kid). I've never been in a vanilla relationship. Never had the drive to look for one, and never just fell into one although I doubt I could.

_____________________________

"When I was a little kid, I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'end quote'" -Steven Wright

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 13

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/23/2011 6:16:28 PM

Higuysitsme

Posts: 127
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Sheffield, UK
Status: offline

Your wife sounds like a great woman. As DesFIP says, just blessed well tell her what and when you want it, and enjoy the fact she is ok giving it to you! You could also try telling her it would be good for you if on occasion she is the instigator. But talk it through and make it easy for her. Its like spontaneity; better if you plan ahead! So maybe Saturday or Sunday, when you're both quiet and relaxed, she has the option to instigate a play session if she chooses; but if not, you don't get one. and on those days, you're not allowed to ask! But - you could be allowed to just wait on her hand and foot and do the things that will really make her feel good about herself, and welcome your attentions. Bdsm isn't just about you getting your jollies; its also about her getting hers. And maybe serving her desires might just be a sexy thing to do for you as well?!

_____________________________

'Be humble, because you are made of Earth;
Be noble, because you are made of Stardust.'
Navaho saying.

'There is no way to peace and happiness;
Peace and happiness is the way.'
The Buddha

(in reply to Soyokaze)

Post #: 14

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/24/2011 7:57:01 PM

slaverachel2Him

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2011
Status: offline

My husband and i have been together for 39 years. A year ago, my BDSM could no longer for some reason, be restrained. It was always a part of my fantasy during sex (without it- there was no sex) but i like a poster above started dreaming about it every night. i loved the dreams but i was also realizing i am who i am. i deserved to be in a sexual relationship that fit me and so did He. It was not fair to Him to not have a vanilla wife who was turned on by sunsets and rainbows instead of single tails and bondage.

i came out to Him and He agreed to have a go at it.

He is learning. It takes a LOT of patience from both parties. He has invented some nice CNC stuff. Much of it is getting over convention. You wife knows she isn't supposed to tie her husband up and whip him. But you are a different husband. YOU need it. My husband was taught by His mother to be gentle, egalitarian and NEVER to hit a woman. Soooo--- He has been learning. He can do a lot and even comes up with His own ideas. i DID have to encourage that and mention that it would be nice if He... and i would not get mad if He........ and it was okay with me if He......Eventually He believed me and took a chance. Then another, then another. He is still learning and there is such a thing as TEACHING from the bottom. Bottoms, slaves and subs often have to do that- it IS stressful for many reasons including the fear the Top, Master, Mistress, Dom/me will throw in the towel.

For a person who is less intensely BDSM oriented it is not as urgent, but some of us are really "lifers" and it is critical, needed, not a choice of many options. i am lucky that He is willing. Actually the biggest block now is that it DOES turn Him on and He is ashamed of Himself because in His childhood and religious training, that is wrong. So He is working hard to overcome that. i am trying very gently to coach Him to greater Mastery and helping Him see surrender by me is NOT a social throwback. He is slowly getting it. They need to move into at a pace they can live with. They need to process it. She may even find out SHE likes being a Domme but to get there, first she has to feel comfortable knowing it is okay to feel that way.

You might try asking her to pick a day or days of the week and initiate bondage and domination. Ask her if she can invent something and that everything you've already done is already consented to in advance. Occasionally teach her something new if she doesn't investigate herself.

i do feel for you and i hope you both do well. Good luck

< Message edited by slaverachel2Him -- 12/24/2011 7:58:11 PM >

_____________________________

Master Richard's slave rachel

(in reply to Higuysitsme)

Post #: 15

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/24/2011 8:44:32 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

Well said, slaverachel.

(in reply to slaverachel2Him)

Post #: 16

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/25/2011 7:59:56 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There's one more thing op, sex leads to emotional intimacy in men, emotional intimacy leads to sex for women. If she's not getting what she needs from you first, she won't have any drive to give you what you need in return.

So: make things as stress free as possible. Do the chores so she can sleep in. Pamper her. Tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is. The more relaxed she is, the more she will tune in to her sexuality, and kink play is most often sexually based even if you don't have sex.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 17

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/25/2011 10:10:34 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
I don't know what it is about ppl that think the grass is always greener. Ive seen lots of post from ppl that can't find that kink partner that have been looking for years <according to them> as if love has nothing to do with it. I got lucky in that not only do I love the girl I'm with shes almost as twisted as I am. It took me a long time to find her and I'm keeping her.

With that said I would have kept her without the kink.

For me the grass is way greener over here in Sadomasochism land.

I'm certain my ex is happier too. Initially when I left he was very upset wanted counseling, etc, etc. After a month or so I could put it all into words and I told him that essentially that the deeper darker parts of me needed a home, they needed to be a part of my life. I told him he had always been uncomfortable with that part of me, he told me he was. He magically stopped being interested in reconciliation.

I think it's great when couples can work it out, and find a way to both be happy. I like to think that everyone has a little kink in them.

Though I think my biggest kink is that I want my partner to want and get off on my suffering, and I want the suffering of my partner.

And I have that, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 18

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/26/2011 8:53:44 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Hi rachel,

"The Loving Dominant" might be a book your husband finds helpful to resolve the "bad to hit a woman" conflict. You can read the first chapter for free on Amazon.

Best,

KK

(in reply to slaverachel2Him)

Post #: 19

RE: none BDSM minded partner - 12/28/2011 12:57:22 PM

theidaeof

Posts: 16
Joined: 12/18/2011
Status: offline

Thank you all for your insight and sharing with me your experiences. I really appreciate it.
From what I have read I can find things I can identify with in how my relationship with my wife is going.
I can see that some of the things that we have been discussing and developing are positive and will get us to a mutually enjoyable experience.

Personally I can see and feel now that I need to do more to be engaged emotionally with her, I think some ted I can be selfish. In some ways I think I am little nervous or hesitant to submit completely and Somali it difficult for her to top me.

Thank you again every for your input.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 20

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