Proprietrix
Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
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Hi there. Although I'm trying to answer the general aspect of the OP, I'm going to focus on the smoking part. Some of it can be applied to any unhealthy lifestyle habit. Being a chain smoking female Dominant, I can tell you how I personally prefer submissives to approach this topic. In doing so, I would like to give you a sneak peak in the head of a lot of smokers. I'm not saying all smokers, but many, including myself.
I already know that smoking is unhealthy. I have not been living under a rock all my life. I think anyone would be hard-pressed to find a smoker in the year 2006 who is truly unaware that smoking is unhealthy. I'm well aware that smoking causes cancer, emphasema, shortness of breath, lowered lung capacity, excessive coughing, morning choking, post nasal drip, yellowed skin, wrinkles, stained teeth, bad breath, and a gammut of other symptoms. I already have this knowledge, so there's really no need to tell me. It's a bit insulting to my intelligence when someone says "You know that causes cancer." I have to bite my tongue to not reply "Really?" It's also a bit insulting to the person pointing it out. It comes across like they truly believe they are bestowing me with new information and makes me wonder if they have been living under a rock. It also smacks of their lack of understanding of drug use.
Smoking isn't based on knowledge. It is an addiction. Like any other addiction, knowledge of the detriments alone, does not outweigh the addictive aspect. Most alcoholics know about liver damage. Spit tobacco users know about mouth cancer. People who snarf greasy big-macs know about cholesterol. Sugar slurpers know about diabetes.
If you are concerned about my smoking (truly concerned about me, and not just wanting to harp on a habit you dislike), approach me from an educated standpoint and aknowledge that I too am educated about the subject. That means we're going to discuss physical and psychological addiction instead of health detriments. Let's skip the information that we both already know.
Most smokers don't want to be smokers. At the least, they probably go through different phases of accepting it and wanting to overcome it. But... they also don't want to go through the process of quitting. They may have tried it before and failed (many times). They maybe use it as a crutch and have nothing to replace it. They may very much see it as part of who they are and are scared to let go of part of their identity. They may be scared of the withdraw, the weight gain, the headaches, etc.. Quitting smoking (or quitting drinking, or losing weight, or whatever the unhealthy behavior) takes courage, determination, commitment, and a true desire to make a life-long change. And all of those things have to happen from within, at the same time, and persist for a long period of time.
Don't pretend your concern is about my health if your concern is really about yourself. It's ok to be honest in saying "The smoke really bothers me. It makes it difficult for me to enjoy your company when I feel like I'm suffocating." I don't know about other smokers, but personally I'm considerate enough to refrain from smoking around people bothered by it. I have a friend who can't eat while people are smoking. I wait until she's done eating before I light up. Or I go outside to smoke. But if she had said to me "I care about you and don't want you to die." and followed it up with *cough*cough* and waving the smoke out of her area, I'd wonder who she was really concerned about. It's ok to be concerned about me. It's also ok to be concerned about yourself. Don't try to hide one with the other. It does neither of us any justice.
If it's a deal-breaker, be forthright from the get go. If I'm at a point in my life where I can't quit for me or for my child, I'm definitely not at a point where I'm going to put them down for a potential sub I'm getting to know. Feel free to say "I like you a lot and wish we could pursue this relationship, but the smoking is a deal breaker." Let's not drag this on pretending it's going to change in the name of love.
Along the same train of thought, don't try to manipulate me. You have to have enough courage to tell potential partners about your deal-breakers and take the chance of losing them. Watch how you phrase things. If a submissive says to me "I won't live with smokers." that is giving me information about the speaker. If a sub says "I'll move in with you if you quit smoking." that comes across as the speaker trying to manipulate me, because it's stanced as "if you change XYZ about yourself, I will make a bigger commitment." Just go ahead and say you won't live with smokers. I'm smart enough to figure out the resulting consequences.
Wanting someone else to make a healthy lifestyle change is always frustrating for the onlooker. Be it smoking, drinking, unhealthy eating, lack of education, etc.. The only tactic I have ever seen work is to let go of trying to be in control of them. You really have to be able to love from a distance at times. The best thing I've ever seen work is to say "If and when you are ready, I'll be there for you." and mean it.
In my countless attempts to quit smoking, only 1 person in my life has learned to take this approach. My big sister is there for me, every single time. She has proven that she truly is going to let go of trying to take any control over my habit, but she will forever be there when I give it another try. If I tell her I'm quitting, she shows up the next morning at my doorstep with a big bag of candy to suck on. She starts calling more often to see how I'm getting along and asks me if I'd like to take a walk. Even though I know I can call her anytime, she reaffirms "give me a call if you need anything, even if it's just to vent." She congratulates me when I hit benchmarks and milestones. And if I fail and pick up the cigarettes again, she says "You really did a great job that time. I bet next time you try to quit, you'll do even better." or "You're a strong person. You'll eventually overcome this habit."
I guess overall, I want people to take an honest and realistic approach with me. Understand that unhealthy behavior is a plethora of different aspects. Don't treat me like I'm ignorant and don't pretend to be ignorant yourself. Be supportive, but not manipulating or controlling.
One other thing I wanted to touch on. The OP says "You have no insurance so choose not to go to the doctor." This kind of confused me. Are you expecting that someone without insurance *can* go to the doctor? Here in West Virginia, about 80% of the population is below the federal poverty line. Employers tend to give only 35 - 38 hours a week to their employees so that they don't have to grant medical/dental benefits and vacation time. A single person, working at $6.00 an hour, 35 hours a week, makes enough to pay the rent, the utilities, put gas in the car, and buy groceries. Take away a few of those things if there are children in the household. There's simply not any leftover for a doctor visit, medication, and dental visits. The doctor and dentist won't see patients for free. Even the government issued medicaid doesn't suffice. I don't know about other states, but here in WV, an adult with medicaid still has a percentage co-pay on any doctor visit other than the emergency room, still has a percentage co-pay on prescriptions, and still has to pay full price at the dentist office.
Maybe it isn't so much a case of "I don't have insurance so I choose not to go to the doctor." but rather "I have no insurance, so I can't go to the doctor."
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IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).
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