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MissImmortalPain -> RE: Bdsm joke shop (12/23/2011 6:02:34 AM)
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Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
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One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Q: What do you call a gay hairy 300 pound German rubber fetishist?
A: A Gummi Bear.
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The Great Lies of BDSM...
...that we tell straight people:
It's a fashion statement
It's for a crafts project
I fell off my bicycle
...that we tell each other:
I've never even fantasized about doing that
I just do this for fun. I don't need it
Mistress, I'll do anything you want
...that we tell ourselves:
I'm normal
I always stop when I feel genuine anger
I only play with people I respect
I'm doing this for healthy reasons
...that dominant men tell submissive women:
I think of women as equals
I have a healty relationship with my mother
I truly believe that it takes a strong woman to submit
...that submissive women tell dominant men:
I don't have any unresolved issues regarding my father
It's enough to serve you, Master. I don't need to get off
I really want you to be in charge
I love it when you ejaculate in my mouth
Licking your feet and bottom really turns me on
I like your pot belly
You own me body and soul
...that submissive men tell dominant women:
I'll do anything you want
I exist only to serve you
I don't care about getting off
I regard women as superior beings
You're beautiful to me
I really get off on doing housework for you
My wife knows that I do this
...that dominant women tell submissive men:
I basically like men
Wearing high heels makes me feel more powerful
I can't top anybody who doesn't turn me on
I never switch
I love giving golden showers
...that we tell vanilla prospective play partners:
It's not pain. It's just strong sensation
This is fundamentally a nurturing activity
Submission is empowering
You need to explore this side of yourself
...that dominant women tell each other:
I have the perfect slave
I feel that you and I are part of a Sisterhood
I can stay in top space while I'm "receiving"
...that submissive women tell each other:
My Master takes good care of me
I'm not really an exhibitionist
I don't feel competitive towards other submissives
It's OK with me if you play with my Master
...that dominant, heterosexual men tell each other:
My slave never says no to me
Some of my best friends are submissive men
When I watch you play at a party, I don't secretly hope that you'll screw up and everyone will notice
I can still be dominant after I've had an orgasm
...that submissive, heterosexual men tell each other:
The most important thing is to serve the Mistress
I never tell her what to do
I've never gone to a professional Mistress
I love it when my Mistress won't let me come for days
I don't think my Mistress is fat
I don't mind that you can take more pain than I can
I really believe that my mission in life is to serve women
I really like going down on my Mistress during her period
...that bi switches tell each other:
I truly don't care which gender I play with
I'm not at all homophobic
I separate sex from SM
Being bi is the best of both worlds
I only play with people I feel intimate with
I only play with other switches
...that professional Mistresses tell each other:
Business is good
I never have sex with a client
Business is bad
I always stick to my specialty and refer out clients who want other things
I'd do this even if I wasn't getting paid
I never need to bottom
I'm always in control of the session
I'm a good businesswoman
My lover doesn't mind that I do this
It was my choice to leave my last straight job
And, finally, the three great lies that vanilla people tell SM people:
Hearing about this doesn't shock me
I know other people who are into this
We negotiate everything too
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