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But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission.

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If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence.

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ORIGINAL: troppo65

I'd like to try and clarify a few things as it appears I haven't been as clear as I could have.

It may be best to try and briefly step what we have been through so far.

We have flirted with the d/s lifestyle a number of times in the past, but always after a period of time life has moved us away from it. So a while ago we decided to try it again, sat down, discussed the pros and cons over a few days and decided that we were going to make a commitment to make sure we stuck it out.

So we layed down some ground rules we agreed on and we were off. Adjusted a few rules as we went, made some new ones, threw some out. As LafayetteLady says, not rocket science :)

All going along swimmingly, partner is very happy with the way things are going, so am I. One evening as we were preparing to try a new ritual my partner says she wasn't sure about it anymore,which came as bit of a surprise. So we discussed why the doubts. Turned out that she had been reading up on forums and was worried that by taking this up as a lifestyle she would lose her identity.

She had already been through what has been labelled "sub frenzy", which we had reigned back. But she is also the type of person that worries about whether she is doing any given thing the right way. So was convinced that it could only work if she addressed me as master (which I have no interest in her doing) and being micro managed. She was concerned about losing her own identity and many of the things that people post as being the "correct" way of living a d/s lifestyle (as others have posted, d/s and m/s are different).

So we again sat and discussed what we wanted and the fact that there is no correct way of doing things, every relationship is different, everyone has their own personal boundaries and limits. So all is good again and we are back on track. But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission. Again as you have said, we can read them together and discuss any misgivings she may have at the time rather than letting them stew and run off on a tangent.

We are very much in the formative stages, so we are BOTH learning. What she needs is someone other than me to talk to. It is something she always values in her other endeavours and she loves to talk :)

We can discuss and agree all we like, but having a 3rd party to talk to would be invaluable. This has also been discussed between us and she has said that she wouldn't be comfortable talking to any of her friends about our lifestyle. She did say that she would feel comfortable talking to her brother, but he has some views/philosophies I really don't agree with and I can see would be problematic.

To me, having someone experienced in the lifestyle, who has been through the things we will be going through and is thoroughly independent would be an ideal choice, more than one someone even better. Hence the request.

Once we are a bit further along and she is more comfortable and knows more of what she wants then letting her loose amongst the varied views and personalities will happen, now is not quite the right time though.

edit: just thought I'd add that we have discussed me doing this and she also thinks it is a good idea.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You can't pick a mentor for her. Because the people you feel she should talk to may well not be people she would enjoy having as a friend.

She has to develop her own friends.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And of course, you folks need to improve your communication skills. If her first response on reading something upsetting is to stew about it in private instead of talking to you, then you aren't ready for a d/s relationship. Because communication between you two is of the utmost importance. She could email you her thoughts with the link to what she read, she can keep an online journal which you need to read, she can write in a paper journal which you read. You can set aside time nightly to talk. However it works out best in your life, but you need to fix the communication skills first.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I'm getting the feeling that she doesn't want this. You keep pushing it on her and she's feeling pressured to accept it or else. So she does, and then she backtracks and puts up roadblocks because she is feeling coerced. If so, then it can only lead to resentment.

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ORIGINAL: troppo65

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You can't pick a mentor for her. Because the people you feel she should talk to may well not be people she would enjoy having as a friend.

She has to develop her own friends.

Not sure I said I was going to pick a mentor for her? I am certainly going to check out any who do wish to take it on though and weed out those who are not suitable, this is the internet and not everyone is the person they initially portray themselves as.

If she then chooses to develop a relationship with anyone from that point, that will be her (and whoever she is talking to's) choice.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
And of course, you folks need to improve your communication skills. If her first response on reading something upsetting is to stew about it in private instead of talking to you, then you aren't ready for a d/s relationship. Because communication between you two is of the utmost importance. She could email you her thoughts with the link to what she read, she can keep an online journal which you need to read, she can write in a paper journal which you read. You can set aside time nightly to talk. However it works out best in your life, but you need to fix the communication skills first.

Not quite sure how you came to this conclusion either, we certainly do communicate all the time. We communicated over this issue when it came to light and overcame it. It took a while for her to process all the disparate information she was reading before it got to the overload point, where she came to the (incorrect) conclusions on what it all meant for us. We discussed it that night.

We do email ideas, feelings etc. back and forward many times a day when we are not together. We have discussed how to prevent it happening again and have decided to try and find a mentor, this is as much her idea as mine.

The issue I have posted about was related to the difficulty of getting accurate, relevant communication on Internet forums........

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I'm getting the feeling that she doesn't want this. You keep pushing it on her and she's feeling pressured to accept it or else. So she does, and then she backtracks and puts up roadblocks because she is feeling coerced. If so, then it can only lead to resentment.

Again, I'm not quite sure how you came to this conclusion. There has been a single back track on her part, related to the input from Internet forum lifestyle experts who don't actually know us. Her level of enthusiasm outstrips mine most of time.


This is an excellent example of what can go wrong on forums.

I have attempted to communicate a relatively simple request to see if there would be someone willing to assist my partner. It may be that I have not communicated clearly, but now we have ended up where we are deficient in our communication skills, not ready to be in a d/s relationship and I am attempting to pressure her into something she doesn't want.

Maybe this is why finding a mentor is preferable to posting questions on forums?

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama

My husband and I were married for 10 years before we discovered BDSM.

I think I'd be a good mentor but because of comments like this believe you are too controlling for me to want to get involved:

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But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission.

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If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence.

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ORIGINAL: sheisreeds

Gonna say it again!

GO OUT AND MEET REAL PEOPLE
http://www.bdsmaustralia.net/

Being a new dom doesn't mean immediately going in and making all decisions for her, it means manning up and learning and listen to advice.

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the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark.

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I'm sure we are all aware of the differing attitudes expressed in forums and she has trouble filtering the replies, leading to confusion on what she SHOULD be doing. This is why I have told her not to go on anymore forums for the time being.

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I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission.

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ORIGINAL: Duskypearls
I understand your frustration, Troppo, as it is commonly one that I share. As different folks have different upbringings, experiences, perceptions and interpretations, it only stands to reason there are some who will read into your words, that, which is not actually there. Everybody's got a different take and bent on things.

The downside to that is you have to wade through it all. The goodside is it helps you to distinguish between the one's who "get" and read you well, and those that don't, so you know whom to choose to make further inquiry with.

One of the things I found helpful, and am grateful that I did it, is I spent about 2 months reading people's posts on here, before I ever put out one of my own, to get a sense of their personalities and styles, as well as the lay of the land. It served me well.

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama

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the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark.

How can you argue with my conclusion, which is based on your words, that I find you too controlling for me to be interested in serving as her mentor?

"exercised authority" + "monitoring communications" = too Big Brother for KK

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama
In the absence of a local mentor, stick around the boards for a while (yes there are sharks but also kittens), and find someone with whom she resonates - you can get a good sense of posters with high post counts by reading their old posts plus high post counts are indicative of willingness to give opinions. Also look for someone of whom you can ask questions.

ps - it will go over better if SHE approaches the potential mentor, trust me on this!

pps - and do find a more palatable way to express that your wife will be sharing communications with you.

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You Mr Domly Dom need a mentor more than she does.

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I am obviously not getting what I am trying to say across clearly, as this reply and several others, demonstrates.

The reason for not letting her read forums is exactly this, the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark.

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But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission.

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If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence.