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Trusting - 10/23/2004 4:00:32 PM   
mouseyone


Posts: 34
Joined: 10/21/2004
Status: offline 		How does one go about trusting anyone after being lied to? After hearing this and that, when someone else says the same thing you wonder if they are being honest or are they like the previous ones that hurt you by lying? How does one go about getting back the feeling of trust again?
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RE: Trusting - 10/23/2004 4:06:12 PM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		My answer to that is both simple and hard to do. It takes time, and lots of it. Trust is like a house of cards, takes a long time to build and a single move can make it all fall over.
It is possible to trust again, it just takes time and the willingness to do so.

(in reply to mouseyone)
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RE: Trusting - 10/23/2004 5:40:45 PM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mouseyone

How does one go about trusting anyone after being lied to? After hearing this and that, when someone else says the same thing you wonder if they are being honest or are they like the previous ones that hurt you by lying? How does one go about getting back the feeling of trust again?


Actually.....it's a choice mouseyone. It hurts like hell knowing you have been lied too, it hurts like hell knowing that the trust you thought was there is not now. What i mean by it being a choice is this: if the relationship is worth saving....no matter what type of relationship that is....it's worth sitting down and laying everything out on the table.
You will wonder if that person will lie to you again.....but you either make a choice to believe them or you don't. I believe that a person that is willing to do the next right thing deserves a chance to prove that.
I know this is not the tell all answer that you may want, or that you may need to hear....just my thoughts from someone who knows.


~smilezz~

_____________________________

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RE: Trusting - 10/23/2004 6:10:22 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mouseyone

How does one go about trusting anyone after being lied to? After hearing this and that, when someone else says the same thing you wonder if they are being honest or are they like the previous ones that hurt you by lying? How does one go about getting back the feeling of trust again?


I guess I read this question or topic to be about "I've been lied to in the past, and now I see a similar, or the possiblity of a similar situation, so I don't know if this new person is a liar too, or if it won't happen this time".
Was this a lie deliberately told by a careless and self-absorbed person to get what he/she wanted? Were you taken unfair advantage of? Were you physically harmed?
As a Mistress, I will say this. W/we are all human. I have been lied to and strung along, vanilla and lifestyle, so I have to try to learn from that and do My best to catch anything along the way in a quick manner. Do I let the fact that I was lied to eat Me up? No...it happens. Hopefully W/we learn and move on and avoid the same mistake. I hope, at least, that when I make mistakes, they will be different ones!
But don't close yourself off to the possiblity of a new relationship because you are afraid.
The old saying, with a little variation, "fool Me once, shame on you...fool Me twice, shame on Me" can apply to the same relationship, or a new one, just as well. Communicate. There are no miracles out there, and if you don't ask a question, how can you know if this situation is different?

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 10/23/2004 6:11:12 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


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RE: Trusting - 10/23/2004 7:39:03 PM   
Nagatzhul


Posts: 19
Joined: 3/21/2004
Status: offline 		Everyone has trust issues; they are not exclusive to submissives. I am willing to bet that submissives lie to dominants just as much as dominants lie to submissives. And I would go so far as to say that you are not ready for an adult relationship until someone has totally betrayed your trust at some point in your life. You will not know the value of someone who is trustworthy until you do.

No one has the right to ask you to trust them. Trust is earned. The only thing they do have the right to do is to ask you to take a risk with them. They have the right to be given a chance to prove themselves. If you are unable to honestly give them that, then you owe it to them to be honest enough to let them know that.

_____________________________

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong
about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly
taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
-George Bernard Shaw

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RE: Trusting - 10/23/2004 11:30:07 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		You see if their actions match their words. Words are easy. But if the words are false, the actions will not back them up. And don't ignore red flags.

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 5:34:31 AM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		Trust is a hard thing for me, guess we all have been lied too. For me i get to know them very well, ask many questions and listen. If they contradict themselves get caught in lies my trust won’t develop. Watch for red flags and trust your gut instincts! For me trust is something that must be earned not only them earning my trust but me gaining theirs also. It takes time but if they are trustworthy it will come and being overly cautious at first is not a bad thing.

JMO
Be Well,
~jenn~

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 6:48:49 AM   
mouseyone


Posts: 34
Joined: 10/21/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you all for you replies. I guess i should have been more explicit in saying that i had been in a situation where i was promised a lifestlye relationship which only turned out to be more of a "sexual, financially support me and my other sub" relationship. Too long to go into detail but the bottom line was that he lied to me in saying there was no other. I found that out too late and a little less poorer as well....but yeah live and learn i guess. Just will be hard to trust again and yeah i guess i just need to be a little more cautious and take my time. Thank you again for your responses.

(in reply to subbiejenn)
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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 7:09:36 AM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]] mousey!

I'm sorry you had to experience that but I hope the lesson(s) was well learned - whatever it/they might have been for you!

~ShadeDiva

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 7:29:50 AM   
theroebabe


Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline 		Well i have not been able to rebuild trust with a person once they do something that breaks it. For me once it has broken with a relationship, the relationship ended.

And i know about people wanting you to support them, i think i looked like a cash cow for one dom an you have to take precautions for the future relationships. I am a giving person, and am usually very generous with all of me, but when doms talk about certains aspects, well my financial areas are a hard limit.

Good luck i know its hard and all we can do is look at things as a learning experience and move on. Let trust build slowly with the next one and dont give it all too soon.

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 8:12:51 AM   
Tristan


Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		I found that its very easy for people to lie when there is very little interaction between you and the other person. I had a friend who married a girl whose entire life was fabricated. The marriage was over within weeks. When I thought about how she fooled him and everyone else, I realized that they never tried to accomplish anything together. If you want to know a person's true character, do something together especially under adverse conditions. A camping or canoeing trip in the rain or cold always works for me. There is no hiding your true character then.

(in reply to theroebabe)
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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 8:27:38 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

I found that its very easy for people to lie when there is very little interaction between you and the other person. I had a friend who married a girl whose entire life was fabricated. The marriage was over within weeks. When I thought about how she fooled him and everyone else, I realized that they never tried to accomplish anything together. If you want to know a person's true character, do something together especially under adverse conditions. A camping or canoeing trip in the rain or cold always works for me. There is no hiding your true character then.


That is excellent advice Tristan. In terms of verifying a person’s authenticity, I would also say be weary of people that take forever in introducing you their families, friends, etc. Delaying this means one of three things for me (there might be more I'm not aware of):

- they are ashamed of being with you (this usually has nothing to do with the person you are but their own insecurities)
- they are lying to you and they are afraid all of their issues will come out in the open
- they have alianated all family and friends (believe me, you do not want to be the whole universe to one person)

I've lived all 3 situations and have found that the signs were there early on. I needed to go through them, to have that life lesson to recognise it further down the road.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mouseyone

How does one go about trusting anyone after being lied to? After hearing this and that, when someone else says the same thing you wonder if they are being honest or are they like the previous ones that hurt you by lying? How does one go about getting back the feeling of trust again?


This might be done by breaking patterns. I don’t know much about you and I really do not want to make any assumptions about the way you live your life or the way you chose your partners. I simply would like to share what I have learned in the hopes that you might find something helpful in it.

I used to think: “Why am I always attracting needy people” till a friend of mine turned the tables on me quickly and said: “You aren't attracting them, you are seeking them out. You need to feel needed. Until you break that cycle, you are the one that will be seeking out needy people”. And I am getting way better at this.

Trust is huge. Though if I may share with you two things that help me get over trust issues.

1) Just because the last one betrayed me, doesn't mean the next one is going to do the same. They are different people and if I assume that I will only find people who betray me, then I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2) What doesn't break me only makes me stronger. I reflect, I think, I meditate on why I experienced what I did. I look back for the telltale signs and try to figure out what attracted me to that deceitful person in the first place.

Take care of yourself and give you soul some time to heal.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 10/24/2004 9:43:18 AM >

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 1:24:38 PM   
IservBlkKingPaPa


Posts: 84
Joined: 8/17/2004
From: Long Island NY
Status: offline 		one must force ones self to do it. Everything in life is a risk. We must take the risk in order to find the ONE. When doubt and fear creep its ugly head you must try everything in your mental power to push those thoughts and fears out of your mind and just do what you know would be the right thing to do, which is not let the present partner pay for what the last one did.


@}PaPa's}slave}--
Every Rose has her Thorns...

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 2:55:57 PM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I used to think: “Why am I always attracting needy people” till a friend of mine turned the tables on me quickly and said: “You aren't attracting them, you are seeking them out. You need to feel needed. Until you break that cycle, you are the one that will be seeking out needy people”


LA
Your friend gave You some excellent advice because i think that is so true of many of us. We fall in the same patterns and never understand why when we are actually the ones who perpetuate it.

Trust is very hard for me as i am always trying to see the best in others. i also was under the wrong impression that most people are trustworthy. i now try to hold back on that and as said earlier in the thread Trust is earned. Don't trust someone automatically until they have proven that they can be trusted.

just my opinion,
jill

< Message edited by jillwfsub4blkdom -- 10/24/2004 2:57:02 PM >

_____________________________


"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

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RE: Trusting - 10/24/2004 4:17:30 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		The only thing that I have found that heals a breach of trust is time. A lot of people may talk about how they plan to do the right thing, or how they plan to fix some mistake. Talk is just that, however. If someone is truly concerned about righting some wrong, then they can act by doing the next right thing consistently over a period of time until that trust is reestablished.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

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RE: Trusting - 10/25/2004 1:53:49 PM   
IsmyKinkyourkink


Posts: 4
Joined: 10/22/2004
Status: offline 		It is easy to first trust and easy to give trust Yet once that Trust has been damaged it is in all likelyhood not repairable. there will ALWAYS be a shadow of doubt.

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RE: Trusting - 10/25/2004 2:06:28 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Yet once that Trust has been damaged it is in all likelyhood not repairable. there will ALWAYS be a shadow of doubt.


That is true. Since i had my affair i know Hubby will never fully trust me again even though He forgave me. Whenever i go out He now wants to know where i'm going, if i'm meeting anyone and when i'll be back. He never used to ask me all that.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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