njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline
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I would tend to agree, doing it through profiles on here is going to be difficult, for a number of reasons. I also agree that going to munches, BD/SM group meetings and such is helpful, it at the very least lets you meet people who have navigated these waters and (hopefully) have found someone to share it with. Ya never know, you also might meet someone!
I agree totally with the other posters, you need to be honest about yourself and quite frankly, if you are seeking a submissive (F I guess in your case), you might want to treat it more like you are wooing someone into meeting you and perhaps ending up together rather then jumping into the bd/sm thing. BD/sm has its own dynamics, but in reality it is still people coupling up (if you are looking for a relationship, that is, and not simply a play partner). A dominant jerk is still a jerk, an unattractive sub is probably an unattractive sub. What you have to remember is unless you are going to play out some severe Gorean-like situation, a D/s relationship is a vanilla one with chocolate sauce, and there is plenty of the mundane in there, subs want someone who interests them and attracts them on many planes, they want someone probably that is intellectually interesting, who has other interests other then whips and chains, and yes, can show that they can love the other person and respect them. When finding someone, talk about the things that you think make you special, and not just about bd/sm things, because a relationship is a lot more then that. Think about it, if you were looking for a 'real' vanilla relationship what would you do to attract someone? Would you put 'hey, babe, I am great in bed, my dick is big and the girls think I am hot?' or would you mention you have a life, that you like music of some sort, that you like to cook for the person you are with, that you love watching movies together and cuddling, or whatever? A personal ad that said "hey babe, I am great, let's fuck' wouldn't get many responses, as I am sure you realize.
I agree with others, your profile is too generic, it is full of a lot of buzzwords and such and doesn't say a lot about you as a person it comes off as someone who is eager to use all this knowledge they have picked up without saying what he really is looking for in a relationship. Quite honestly, I often wonder if it is better to find a vanilla partner who may be compatible (i.e seems open minded), because then it forces the other partner (sub or domme) to work on getting the relationship being about 'US' rather then a laundry list of things to do or not do (and yes, I had my own learning curve, was as clueless as anyone and had developed bad habits to boot in my own journey).
If you are going to try the messaging tack, here are some thoughts:
-Make your profile more human,that you are a well rounded person with X attributes looking for someone. Since you are new, make clear that you would be learning as well as the potential sub but put that in a good context, that it means you will be growing into the relationship and instead of imposing what you want, is building a relationship you both want, which despite it being d/s, is what this is about.
-Please, please, don't do what so many jerks do on here, I hate to tell you how horrible it is on the other side. Read the profile of the person, don't tell them "I am looking for a 24/7 slave to fuck and use" when the profile indicates they are looking for a play relationship, or worse, just friends......
-Don't send 4 word messages, like "hit, cute pic, got any more" or "hey, babe, want to meet?". Sorry, guys, but all that tells me is you don't care enough to even mention things like your name, what you are looking for, and shows an attention span of a gnat that hit a windshield.
-Introduce yourself, tell her you were intrigued by her profile, that her interests seem to coincide with yours (while a lot of people ignore it, there are a ton of non bd/sm things in the profile). Tell her her smile in the picture captivated you, that her profile seemed to show someone with depth, whatever it was that attracted you (not 'hey babe, your big tits are ripe for fucking', ). Dom or not, you are selling yourself, if you want a relationship you are going to need to do that. Talk about you idea of a romantic dinner with bd/sm leanings, or how you would keep up the bd/sm dynamic while also showing how you love the person you are with, etc....it is painting a picture. One thing I like to hear personally is someone who says "I enjoy the path in my relationships, I enjoy both guiding my sub and learning from her/him as well and creating something unique along the way on a journey that doesn't end" instead of jumping to the destination where it is all about the dom/me.
-If someone says not interested, then send back a respectful response saying "I am sorry it didn't work out, thanks for responding". And if they don't? Move on, don't send messages like "hey, babe, cmon, didn't you like me?".
-Expect a lot of failures, putting up a profile is easy, a lot of it is just fantasy and the odds of finding 'ms. right' on here is going to be hard, but it can be done.
-Being new may not be as big a hindrance as you think, though it is devious, lot of subs IME like having a dom/me they can help meld to fit their needs as much as the other way around. Speaking as a sub, it was kind of cool to unleash the inner tiger in a potential dom/me, and help them find their 'inner domness" while also getting what I needed:)
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Need some guidance - 
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