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RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 7:43:12 AM

piscess

Posts: 101
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline

DullRazor,

Seems a simple question to be answered.

Advice: Go with your own head, if something feels right to ask, ask! If you are tossed aside like a limp leaf of lettuce, look elsewhere. Courtesy is a two way street, seems you were not given even common courtesy.

But that is my opinion.

piscess

_____________________________

There is nothing simple about me.

(in reply to DullRazer)

Post #: 21

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 7:54:55 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Razor,

I realize you are going to be more interested in the opinions of women so I hope some will chime in and second what I am going to say, plus I hope you take the opinion already given about finding some local BDSM groups and joining/participating in them.

So, my advice is to buy a copy of "The Bottoming Book" from Amazon.com or better yet from the publisher themselves at www.greenerypress.com. Reading that one book will make you more knowledgeable than most you run into in a chatroom.

Oh, and you speak of it being hard to find someone because you are new. That is online crap for the most part. Notice how "friendly" all the ladies are being? You are young and good looking and seem well mannered, those are excellent levers for beating down any odds.

So to sum up, buy that book and join a group and start doing this for real.

(in reply to piscess)

Post #: 22

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 8:06:32 AM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

I second what CrappyDom said!

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 23

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 8:07:21 AM

DullRazer

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline

CrappyDom (Wow, I feel bad having to type that name out, seems somewhat disrespectful... LoL)
Thank you for the advice on literature. I do enjoy reading, and since it is on a topic I am very interested in, then I see no reason why not to pick it up. Well, just one. I am currently quite low on monetary funds at the moment- but as soon as I have some expendable discretionary income, I'll be sure to pipck it up. Thanks!

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 24

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 8:43:30 AM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

When I first started doing something about my then interest in WIITWD, my only outlet for knowledge and interaction was online. There are many out there that are playing a game or living a fantasy. Many that like to pray on those too new to this to realize they are being played. If someone is more interested in acting as though they own you from day 1 and not interested or nasty about just having regular conversation, then to me that's a red flag right there. Nasty attitude in response to a simple question such as what are you going to do today, seems excessive to me. Sounds like this person isn't what you're looking for.

Getting involved in local groups, going to munches, etc. is some of the best advice you'll get. A small local group found me last year and I have friends and have experienced things real time and it beats online by a long shot in my opinion.

Spending time here in the forums reading both active and older threads can also help educate you and asking questions as you see is a good way to help gain understanding. Also there are many great books out there that can help you learn more and find your place, what works for you. Greenery Press has many non fiction books to help you learn and understand more.

You're new to this as you say. Don't be in a hurry to submit to a Mistress. Take time to learn and grow first and find out what you want and need from this. Make friends.

Just my thoughts. Hope it helps.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

Post #: 25

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 10:51:19 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

First of all, aren't you just adorable! Believe me, you'll have no difficult time at all finding plenty of Dominant ladies who would love to take you under their wing. On point, being that you are a commodity, be very choosey about whose wing you're willing to nest under.
And on to the post...

My advice is this... talk to a lot of different people. Chat with different folks (Dominants, subs, slaves, trans, male, female, straight, gay, etc...) Don't limit your interactions to just one or two people. Over time, as you chat with lots of different people, about lots of different things, you'll begin to understand what kinds of conversations are "normal" and which ones are a bit odd. You'll begin to understand what conversations make you feel relaxed and which ones make you feel uncomfortable, or send up red flags. And you'll learn your own style of communication online. Because that's really what it comes down to, is you feeling comfortable in your own skin.

If you talk to 100 people and 99 of them are ok with "So, what are your plans for the day?" and 1 flies off the handle that how dare you ask such a question... it tells you a lot (for better or worse) about that 1 particular person. I say for better or worse, because on the one hand you might think "Wow, that person has issues." On the other hand you might feel like "Wow, that person's manner is hot and exactly what I'm looking for." Once you feel confident in your own manner of communicating with others, it's fairly simple to weed out whose mannerisms you like and whose you feel are over the line. And don't hesitate to be honest and forthright. I see no problem with flat out saying to someone "If we can't discuss typical daily things in life, how do you propose we get to know one another? I'm open for suggestions."

Also, don't limit yourself to online interactions. Get involved in a local real time group that meets in person. If you find someone online interesting after a few interactions, move toward meeting offline. There's nothing 'unsubmissive' about being the one to take the first steps to face-to-face interactions. Ask if they'd like to meet in a public place for coffee or lunch. Offer your phone number to talk to them. Don't be afraid to wade out in the waters and see if they're willing to do the same.

Good luck to you and keep on posting and reading here on the forums. I've found them to be much more informative than the personal ads side of this site.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to DullRazer)

Post #: 26

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 11:05:25 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

Okay I can appreciate strict protocols as much as anyone, but I also temper that appreciation with the "human factor".

If someone is entertaining the idea of accepting you as their sub/slave/major domo, whatever, they have the responsibility of EARNING your trust first. If you cannot ask them questions designed to get to know their day to day behavior, then howinthehell are you supposed to be able to get to know the BIG STUFF that will let you know if this person is worthy of your trust, love, respect, and service?

When I am interested in someone as a potential sub/slave, I expect to gradually let them into my life. One way to do that is to discuss interests, but only learning day to day activities will really flesh out what I am all about.

If you ask questions human being to human being and she rebuffs you, you gotta wonder why...

(in reply to DullRazer)

Post #: 27

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 11:26:17 AM

ArchangelMichael

Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FloridaISIS

Google "Charlotte NC BDSM munch" and you should be good to go on that aspect.

Also, I looked over your profile, and I think it's dead on. Very nice job with it. You were very candid and honest about your newbie status, and even took a gentlemanly attitude with it:

Enough said. I think you're on the right track.

I also recommend FAD (Female Artists of Domination) located in the Winston-Salem/Greensborough/Raleigh area. I know there are some ladies here who can tell him more about that. That was my home group when I was living in North Carolina.

I agree about your assesment of his profile. He has one of the best submissive male profiles I've seen.

Edit: I forgot when I posted this that FAD is 21+. It's still a good group to consider when he's old enough and I think he may be able to join the Yahoo group. I also recommend NC-TNG.

< Message edited by ArchangelMichael -- 5/30/2006 11:47:49 AM >

_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

(in reply to FloridaISIS)

Post #: 28

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 4:51:21 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OhBeMyMind

I am sure there are several of us (myself included) that would not mind offering an opinion on 'anything else' as well!

Gosh....did that sound slut-ish of me?

quote:

ORIGINAL: DullRazer

too bad that the rest of me can't be as awe-inspiring as my eyes, huh?

Why...yes...yes, it did.

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

Post #: 29

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 5:01:26 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DullRazer

Hello E/everyone. This is my first post on these forums, and I am relatively new to the lifestyle, and so I beg Y/your pardon if this makes me appear a bit... naive.

I was just wanting to know, how to actually get to *know* a potential Dom/me over the 'net. Y/you see, I am speaking to one Domme in particular, and she is quite stern/strict, which is exactly what I am looking for. However, I do not know exactly what questions and such to ask Her, and how to ask them, without appearing nosey, etc. I attempted to ask Her what her plans were for the day, and she said that it was none of my business. This is understandable I suppose- but, it is quite hard to facilitate conversation when simple questions on day to day activites are rebutted.

Is this just a form of possibly 'testing' me, to see if I am *truly* interested in becoming Her submissive. As I said, I am relatively new/inexperienced, which leads me to believe that theory of 'testing' somehow.

I did ask Her if she was satisfied with my attitude/demeanor/actions while speaking with Her, and She did say I was doing fine, which I suppose shows that She is not dissatisfied with me. As such, I simply can not figure out
[-A-] The reasoning behind the aforementioned actions (I know it may not be my place to question Her intentions- but, some clarity would be nice)
and
[-B-] What questions I should pose about 'normal' activities (How her day was, what She plans to do today, etc. etc.) and how should I pose them?

Thanks in advance for any help/advice that can be given.

As CrappyDom said (it is a bit hard to get used to calling someone that, isn't it), you've probably been seeking advice, with your questions, from the ladies. However, with the caveat that people are different in their approaches to domination, I would have to say that I can see nothing wrong in your approach nor in your manner. I can understand your confusion. Whether I am dealing with someone that I have just met or someone who has been submitting to me for awhile, the idea that they would not be permitted to ask me what my daily activities are seems strange...how else are they supposed to know whether or not I will be available that day, how else are they supposed to get to know me and what my daily routine is, and lastly...whether they are mine or not, why the hell shouldn't they ask? Her answer seems to be ill-mannered at the worst and brusque at the best. Given my opinion that respect goes both ways in this lifestyle, the answer simply would not fit for me...coming from me.

As others have noted, you seem to come across as very well-mannered and, though I am not a female dominant, in perusing your profile I could see where you would be a welcome addition to any female dominant's life. As for your eyes...

...mine are better.

(in reply to DullRazer)

Post #: 30

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 6:43:35 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

DullRazer,
It seems to me that you truly wish to submit yourself to a Domme. It's not about play for you, although you enjoy that aspect, you're truly desirous of a D/s relationship. Congratulations for your self-awareness. Just a rule of thumb...
If a dominant or any other person you're involved with in a capacity beyond acquaintance seems to think it's not okay for you to ask a question, any question, in a respectful manner and receive an honest answer, then that person is not one you should devote your time or attention. CrappyDom is exactly right.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 31

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 6:56:45 PM

genvieve

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
Status: offline

It is my oppinion that we as submissives have the absolute right to ask any question at all so long as it is done in a respective manner. That being said, if this Dominant does not wish you to do so... consider asking Her what part of Her and Her life is your business. If your interests do not colide, let Her know.

Quite honestly, if She doesn't want to tell you about something as simple as Her day, it may be that She is looking for a casual relationship, and not an intimate one. That's all well and good if that's what you're looking for. Although, since you are asking the question, i doubt that a bit. At any rate...ask Her to elaborate further as to what is expected if you, open the communication pathway, it's absolutely essential in this lifestyle.

And welcome, by the way. i hope it's everything you dreamed it to be.

-genvieve

Sorry, A/all. Apperently, i replied to Oh Be My Mind. -smiles- 'twas not muh intention. It was meant to be a general reply.

< Message edited by genvieve -- 5/30/2006 7:03:12 PM >

_____________________________

In the quietness of myself, i find myself at the mercy of Your hand.

Musical Wishes Design

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

Post #: 32

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 7:03:25 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

A few suggestions...

Don't Give Submission of yourself Online to anyone. MEET FACE TO FACE!

Focus on learning about the lifestyle... Before you start looking for a Dominant. I suggest that you commit to yourself that over the next 6 months you will not give your submission in any type of long-term commitment. Give yourself time to learn first.

Ask questions to learn.... gets answers from more than just one person... get at least 5 people to give you an answer for every question you ask in your learning of the lifestyle. Then figure out your own... and Don't forget to challenge this answer of your own from time to time.

Read... As many books as you can on the lifestyle. Bottoming Book, Loving Dominant, SM101, A Different Kind of Loving... just a few... keep reading.

Meet people Face to Face.... got to munches and events. Make friends.

Good Luck

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DullRazer)

Post #: 33

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 8:05:15 PM

keme

Posts: 163
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline

I think that maybe he/she is multitasking and not serious about him at all... that is what happens when a Dominant is courting many because their own ego need the adoration of masses *gags* sorry I know someone real time that way... *starts deep breathing excercizes*
Razer I just want to say take your time and go slow. You are young and attractive which will draw a few nefarious types... but many may not realize just how intelligent you are... this is to your advantage. Use your wits and listen to your gut... and never never never be afraid to ask questions or to simply keep looking. ~winks~ I wish you the best and if you ever need anything just ask.

_____________________________

The path I choose is not for everyone... it is mine alone... and my responsibility to reach the end of it making as much positive influence as I am capable of and being as true to myself as I can be.
~keme

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 34

RE: Bit of a question... on questions. - 5/30/2006 8:56:16 PM

LadyAlexa

Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline

My 2 cents or what it's worth. I've emailed and Im'd with many male subs. Sometimes, as others have mentioned, yes it can get dreary, you are bombarded by several seeking your attention at once, or you have already mentioned that you need to get offline, back to work, etc a couple times and the sub keeps Im'ing you. Now that you might have a thought to the aggravation level, if a sub then types to me "what are your plans for today" I might just say it's none of your business. Especially if I might feel a red flag going up as in: do they know enough about me and where I am that they might decide to surprise me by showing up at where I might be. Yeah I know about not giving out personal info, or specific info, but if you have chatted with someone for a bit but not long enough to feel good yet about meeting them but have given them enough info so they know about where you are or work....well it can get dicey. Usually I wouldn't react this way with someone....but I have when I feel a bit harrassed or hurried when trying to proceed to what I want to get done next. Part of why: there are lots of males out there who for lots of reasons seem to feel they want to know what you are going to do which gives them some control. Uh you say? yeah I know. I'm not saying that is in your case, just stating what I know from past experiences. It's also possible that this Domme is not as interested in you as you are in her or was just having a rough moment in life.

Alexa

quote:

ORIGINAL: DullRazer

Hello E/everyone. This is my first post on these forums, and I am relatively new to the lifestyle, and so I beg Y/your pardon if this makes me appear a bit... naive.

I was just wanting to know, how to actually get to *know* a potential Dom/me over the 'net. Y/you see, I am speaking to one Domme in particular, and she is quite stern/strict, which is exactly what I am looking for. However, I do not know exactly what questions and such to ask Her, and how to ask them, without appearing nosey, etc. I attempted to ask Her what her plans were for the day, and she said that it was none of my business. This is understandable I suppose- but, it is quite hard to facilitate conversation when simple questions on day to day activites are rebutted.

Is this just a form of possibly 'testing' me, to see if I am *truly* interested in becoming Her submissive. As I said, I am relatively new/inexperienced, which leads me to believe that theory of 'testing' somehow.

I did ask Her if she was satisfied with my attitude/demeanor/actions while speaking with Her, and She did say I was doing fine, which I suppose shows that She is not dissatisfied with me. As such, I simply can not figure out
[-A-] The reasoning behind the aforementioned actions (I know it may not be my place to question Her intentions- but, some clarity would be nice)
and
[-B-] What questions I should pose about 'normal' activities (How her day was, what She plans to do today, etc. etc.) and how should I pose them?

Thanks in advance for any help/advice that can be given.

_____________________________

Lady Alexa
[amber]

Submission is key not gender.

GLBT approved.

(in reply to DullRazer)

Post #: 35

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