struggles (Full Version)

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Greta75 -> struggles (1/2/2012 6:45:22 PM)

when i first met my dom. it was play at first meet. we didn't meet for coffee, we didn't really talk alot. i met him within 48 hrs of knowing him online. there was this intangible chemistry, i felt safe with him even though i don't know him. and this is not normal for me, with anybody else, it takes a long while, even months and months of chatting before i agree to play, as trust is hard.

play day one without even discussing anything about my likes and dislikes, but purely only safe words, everything went beyond my imagination. i had the best time of my life, much better than previous doms whom we actually discussed in detail before play what we're into and yet chemistry didn't click. they don't get me.

it felt magical, like this dom and i were just made for each other.

he asked me for exclusivity from day one and he said if i don't agree to it, then he won't see me again.

this was where i fucked up.

i agreed, but had no intention of keeping my word. I just wanted to play with him again.

I just felt, he doesn't know me, I don't know him, and his being very unreasonable asking for exclusivity. It's like asking for exclusivity without any commitment from his end.

Anyway, obviously when he found out, he was livid. BDSM between us has turned into him punishing me for my sins constantly.

Perhaps it was doomed from the start like this. I start beginning to be unable to take  pain. Before, when he hits me, he always marked me, I would be very bruised but big smiles and great satisfaction  out of it, I enjoyed the pain, but that was when we were both doing it for fun. When his beating me becomes punishment instead of just mutual joy, his not even left a single mark on me and the pain became excruciating for me. I can't enjoy bdsm as a punishment. And he claims it's not punishment, and it's all psychological with me now, I always think his punishing me.

On top of that, I did all that because I didn't think he really cared about me, so I didn't have to behave like I cared about him. But ever since he told me he loved me, I never ever met anybody else from online again. And have been faithful ever since. It's been more than 2 yrs since he told me he loved me.

But one thing he wanted me to do was stop chatting too. I could not do that. BDSM is a lonely world, and I feel like I need to talk about it with other people into the same things, just for my emotional and mental well being. But he doesn't understand, and feels that me chatting means that I am looking to play behind his back.

I really want to save our relationship, and I love him very much, and I am seeing a counsellor, but it's a vanilla counsellor, I could not tell her the extent of going ons. How will she understand?

I know most people say, it's too hard, just walk away and move on. I just wish bdsm counsellors exist where I am to help us reach a happy place.

I believe relationships survive because they keep trying to overcome problems. Relationship dies when they cannot overcome the problem anymore. Vanilla or BDSM, it's the same.



tazzygirl -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:02:01 PM)

quote:

And he claims it's not punishment, and it's all psychological with me now, I always think his punishing me.


He could very well be right.



searching4mysir -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:02:29 PM)

The first step for an abuser is isolation.

No dom with any confidence whatsoever will tell you that you cannot talk to anyone (even those on the same side of the slash as you).

Greta, you made promises you had no intentions of keeping, so I don't blame him saying you can't talk to any doms, but to say you can't chat with anyone is overboard.

Personally, I think the oxytocin is talking for you, not your heart or your brain. If you slowed down and looked at this objectively, I think you would see that this is a little twisted (at best).



tazzygirl -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:03:41 PM)

I dont think he meant she could not talk to anyone... could it be that she met the other man on line too?



poise -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:05:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But ever since he told me he loved me, I never ever met anybody else from online again.
And have been faithful ever since. It's been more than 2 yrs since he told me he loved me.


But Greta, if you are truly being faithful to him for the past 2 years, why does your
journal entry on 12/29 read like an advertisement for a man in your life?

Perhaps you are still holding on to some guilt, and for good reason, and that's
why the pain isn't the same as it once was?



Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:16:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

I dont think he meant she could not talk to anyone... could it be that she met the other man on line too?

I have never met anybody online anymore since he told me he loved me.
I believe that would be crossing the line to do that.
Prior to that, yes, I do meet people I chat with, that was before I felt any official commitment from him.



NuevaVida -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:21:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

But Greta, if you are truly being faithful to him for the past 2 years, why does your
journal entry on 12/29 read like an advertisement for a man in your life?


Not only that journal entry but her profile text, too.

quote:


Perhaps you are still holding on to some guilt, and for good reason, and that's
why the pain isn't the same as it once was?


I thought this, too.  That perhaps she's punishing herself still, and therefore receiving his "play" as punishment.

As for chatting online, no doubt he has trust issues with you, especially looking at your profile here.  My suggestion is change your profile, offer him your password, and do all chatting in his presence, until he feels comfortable.  That might take some time.



Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:22:16 PM)

quote:


But Greta, if you are truly being faithful to him for the past 2 years, why does your
journal entry on 12/29 read like an advertisement for a man in your life?

Because he has told me he loves me but cannot accept me. We have been living together like husband and wife past 2 years, and now I have moved out. He wanted me out, told me this is punishment again. And I have told him that if he really wants me out of his life, then I will do whatever it takes to try to move on. The whole problem is that he won't tell me he don't love me anymore to maybe just kill my hopes. He still have full access to this greta account as well as my emails and all my chat logs. Things are transparent. As it gotta be, after what happened in the past.
quote:

Perhaps you are still holding on to some guilt, and for good reason, and that's
why the pain isn't the same as it once was?

He constantly brings up my past mistake, and always feel that I'm not sorry enough about it.



tazzygirl -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:22:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

I dont think he meant she could not talk to anyone... could it be that she met the other man on line too?

I have never met anybody online anymore since he told me he loved me.
I believe that would be crossing the line to do that.
Prior to that, yes, I do meet people I chat with, that was before I felt any official commitment from him.



But he felt you were cheating on him, yes? You did promise him an exclusive relationship, yes? Then you went and played with someone else?



Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:26:20 PM)

quote:


But he felt you were cheating on him, yes? You did promise him an exclusive relationship, yes? Then you went and played with someone else?

Yes, he considers it cheating.
And I don't, because he has not committed to me. It's like having a f-buddy, who only uses you for sex and want nothing else from you. So because I felt that way, I was not loyal to him then. We were also not living together then.
But he definitely feels it's cheating.
And I just feel, it's been two years, I have been faithful, how long more does he need to continue punishing me for that before he is satisfied I have been punished enough? Right up till this moment, I am still being punished.



NuevaVida -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:36:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Because he has told me he loves me but cannot accept me.


This is where I'd begin the process of moving on. 

I've always let the Mister know I won't be where I'm not wanted, no matter how much we love each other.  If after two years he was still punishing me for the sins of the past, and was not actively working on moving us forward to a healthier, happier place, I would begin making choices for myself that are healthy.

And I wouldn't immediately be looking for someone else.



Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:39:29 PM)

quote:


This is where I'd begin the process of moving on. 

Then what I need is help to move on. As thinking about giving up has been incredibly difficult for me. I find it hard to understand how could you possibly think that you're inlove with someone you could not accept. I find it easier to understand if he said, I am unable to love you anymore because I cannot accept you.



poise -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:42:33 PM)

So, you were fuckbuddies, and he decided that he wanted you to be his exclusively and you agreed.
But deep down inside, you knew you were lying to him and would say just about anything
because you wanted to keep seeing him. Sooooooo, you kept on seeing him, even though you
didn't think he cared for you, and even though, according to you, he was seeing other people.

Then, 2 years ago he falls in love with you, and you move in together.
And all of a sudden you feel like you are being punished?
What happened between being fuckbuddies and him falling in love with you?
Why did you move in with him if you didn't want to commit to him?
I think you are withholding quite a few chapters here for me to follow along coherently.

It sounds like a classic case of you don't realize what you got until it's gone. In any case, best of luck to you.



angelikaJ -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:56:43 PM)

You made a promise of exclusivity.

There is no wiggle room on that.

You didn't mean to keep it when you initially made it.

Was he exclusive with you?

That seems like a commitment to me.

I think you are trying to justify your actions.

He was more committed to you than you were to him at least initially but you didn't seem to feel that way.

As for talking with your counselor, you can at least feel her out... I did that with mine and it worked out just fine.
However there are kink aware counselors.

I am not trying to beat up on you... .
You are doing a good enough job of that yourself.

I think you don't need to look for anyone else right now.
I think you need to deal with what was or is and that will take time.

Time to see your whole part in this and deal with it.

If you want to be with this man then you need to work it out and if he doesn't want to then you need to move on.

As for chatting: are you chatting with men or women?
If you are feeling alone then chatting with men doesn't necessarily make sense and could seem ambiguous.



Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 7:58:32 PM)

quote:


So, you were fuckbuddies, and he decided that he wanted you to be his exclusively and you agreed.
But deep down inside, you knew you were lying to him and would say just about anything
because you wanted to keep seeing him. Sooooooo, you kept on seeing him, even though you
didn't think he cared for you, and even though, according to you, he was seeing other people.

He didn't see other people, but at that time, I didn't know him that well, and just assumed he will be seeing other people.
quote:

Then, 2 years ago he falls in love with you, and you move in together.
And all of a sudden you feel like you are being punished?

He found out that in the past AFTER he told me he loved me, that I slept with others before during our "fuckbuddies" stage.
quote:

Why did you move in with him if you didn't want to commit to him?

I dunno what do you mean, the fact that I have not even met anybody from online or played with anybody else since he told me loved me, is my commitment to him.




Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 8:02:56 PM)

quote:


He was more committed to you than you were to him at least initially but you didn't seem to feel that way.

I don't know him well enough then to know if he is capable of commitment towards me. Besides, won't any of you think it's incredulous if someone asked you for exclusivity from day on he met you, and this is after only knowing each other for only 48 hours? Or is this suppose to normal? And it just seem abnormal to me. For commitment to me usually involves taking the time to know each other better before making that commitment.
quote:

As for talking with your counselor, you can at least feel her out... I did that with mine and it worked out just fine.

My counselor cannot even accept the concept of mutually consensual casual sex and believes it is wrong to do that. I am in Asia, people are very conservative here.
quote:

As for chatting: are you chatting with men or women?
If you are feeling alone then chatting with men doesn't necessarily make sense and could seem ambiguous.

I don't even have female friends in my vanilla life. All my best friends have always been men. I only have brothers, no sisters. I share the same room with 2 brothers all my life, grew up and played with them and did everything boys did. And I'm very tight with my brothers. I don't know how to connect with women.I don't even get along with my mom, and infact we hate each other, I get along better with my dad.



angelikaJ -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 8:14:03 PM)

You decided he wasn't making a commitment to you, without asking him.

I know you saw it as casual but you didn't ask about that either.

I get the getting along better with women...but there are ways of networking with female subs online like you are here, or on fetlife.

I understand that feeling like you are being constantly punished really sucks.

What do you want at this point?




tazzygirl -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 8:15:49 PM)

You made a promise to him you did not keep.

How would you feel had it been reversed?

If you cannot mean what you say, and keep your word, why should he trust you?

A man fell in love with you, only to find out you were cheating on him.

It may take longer than 2 years. Each man is different.



angelikaJ -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 8:17:57 PM)

As for it being fast, it might have been.
It was to you which is the important thing.

But you said yes, even though you thought it was an unreasonable expectation.

That was deceptive and a lot of people would resent that and be angry.



Greta75 -> RE: struggles (1/2/2012 8:22:28 PM)

quote:


You made a promise to him you did not keep.
How would you feel had it been reversed?

He has broken promises he made to me too, like agreed on limits like no nude photography and then breaking them. And I have forgiven him, because his human and human makes mistakes.
quote:

A man fell in love with you, only to find out you were cheating on him.
It may take longer than 2 years. Each man is different.

You are right...., it will take more than 2 years, then I just have to live with the punishment until I feel I cannot take it anymore.



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