BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (Full Version)

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AngelSighs -> BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 1:49:44 PM)

OK - So I'm "green as grass" here.  I'm still reading and asking questions, so if I'm stepping out of bounds, please let me know. 

So, in a vanilla relationship, most of the time there's a "courtship" of sorts long before anyone decides to get involved on a sexual basis --- barring of course the occasional one-night-stands that some would indulge.  Those are not what I'm referring to here.


So what I'm wondering is............IF the BDSM community goes for the pain/pleasure side of the relationship FIRST, are we short-changing the potential for long-term relationships by "skipping" the courtship side of things?  Are we in effect "stunting" the relationship growth emotionally in one aspect before it begins?  Or doesn't the emotional growth of the relationship matter?


I understand that Sensual Subs (Me) are not a majority in this lifestyle.  Yes, for me, it's definitely about sensuality/sex, NOT pain.  OK - so I enjoy a spanking.....that's about as far as the pain side gets for me.  But as a woman AND a sub, it's also about the relationship that is forged between me and the Dom.


Does anyone care to comment on this?  Am I being too logical here?  I am mostly logical - except when it comes to the heart.  My heart gets involved - it's how I'm wired.


Any insight particularly from long-term partners would be appreciated.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 1:55:01 PM)

I am not really sure what you are asking about. I have had vanilla and BDSM relationships and this courtship you speak of, is pretty none existant in my relationships and in many others that I know.

You can't easily hinder or stunt emotion things dont generally work like that, I am sure that if you are very strict in the way you arrange meetings and behaviour you can keep emotion seperate but if you do not want that kind of relationship then if there is the possiblity then the emotions will develop.

Back to my experience, my vanilla relationships were probably shorter and less emotionally involved than my BDSM relationships and I am currently in my longest ever relationship, we are getting married, we had sex on the second date, so I do not think our emotional development was stunted by lack of courtship.



RumpusParable -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 1:57:57 PM)

You lost me at the point you started implying that being sexual = stunting a relationship or even skipping courtship. But then, I'm one of those filthy sex-first and one-night-stand people in the vanilla world.



Lockit -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 2:00:36 PM)

Do things the way you are comfortable doing them. I know people that did things all sorts of ways and have healthy and loving relationships. My choice is to wait until I know there is something there outside of sex and kink. I don't get much... but then I don't regret much or feel bad when it goes bad. Works for me. lol I can get off... well... I need someone for more than that. To each their own as long as no one is getting hurt in a bad way... who really cares?

Stop worrying and do your own thing! Enjoy!



Missokyst -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 2:01:46 PM)

Hmm..
Although all of my relationships have had some degree of BDSM within them, technically most of them were vanilla since I didn't know what I did was unique, I will respond from my POV.
I don't think I ever felt any sort of emotion for a guy before I fucked him. I mean, we would date, and I liked him well enough. We would date a bit more and then it would be intimate.. but heck, it wasn't a "relationship" until it was.
I never got the idea of putting the cart before the horse.

Relationships are built over time, regardless of how soon people get into sex or play.
So for me at least, playing in what I now recognize is BDSM, still requires a bit of get to know them time (like a date), and still needs to have a basic level of wanting to get to know that person more (into intimacy)



OsideGirl -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 2:05:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelSighs



So what I'm wondering is............IF the BDSM community goes for the pain/pleasure side of the relationship FIRST, are we short-changing the potential for long-term relationships by "skipping" the courtship side of things? 
I never skipped the courtship phase. I met someone. Then we dated without sex, D/s or play until everything was comfortable....then the D/s relationship would start if mutually agreeable. I wouldn't even discuss sex, sexual preferences and limits until I had some idea that I actually wanted to meet that person.

You approach it however makes you comfortable. If you're talking to people that aren't willing to go along with how you're comfortable, then clearly they're not the person for you.



littlewonder -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 2:39:50 PM)

for me I am all about courtship and seduction. If Master had not done that there's very little chance I would have been interested in him. We've been together for over 6 years now and he still courts and seduces me lol.

If it had all been about the pain/play/bdsm when we first started dating then I would not have been attracted to him and for myself personally, it would have been an unhealthy relationship since I am much happier in a regular, ole, traditional relationship with a dominant personality man.

I can't answer for anyone else. I can only go by my own views that say it's unhealthy for me. What others decide for themselves is of no concern to me.



lizi -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 5:25:26 PM)

D/s is all about the relationship for me. My body and my heart are involved, therefore I definitely have courtship going on since I want a partner in my life, not a play buddy. We need to match up for a relationship doing stuff as two people, not get together just because we like to get kinky. Do things however works best for you, there's no rules of what you have to do or don't do. 



stellauk -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 6:02:30 PM)

I can assure you that we're still the same people and we form our relationships along similar lines to a vanilla relationship. In fact, is it worth making any sort of distinction?

A relationship is between two individual people, therefore the relationship itself must be individual, right?

And you can develop a relationship with someone else however which way you both want, right?

No point in having the label when you don't have the wine. First make the wine, then choose the appropriate label.



DesFIP -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 6:09:21 PM)

I've had one relationship that started with a long dating period and one where we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I was young the first time and didn't trust my instincts. The second time, I had done all the work prior to discover what and who I needed in my life and didn't need to keep second guessing myself and testing me, him and the relationship. And here we still are, 9 years later.

And why do you believe that courtship and a mutually satisfying sexual relationship can't take place at the same time? Because they can.



slaverachel2Him -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 6:52:13 PM)

Actually before i allowed myself my BDSM life- i often did one night stands. No attachment- literally like the songs "we'll sing in the sunshine, then i'll be on my way" and "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
Courtship in vanilla? i did little to none. Met in a grocery store, hitchhiking, at some vanilla party. All of the above more than once or even twice.
The day i met Him i dumped my newest BF of 20 minutes, (He picked me up hitchhiking and he was cute and fun, stopped to pick up his other friend who ended up as Master) when i heard His deep resonant voice. He is very tall and controlling in a good way for a slave as i found out later. 38 years later we embarked in M/s which had some unbeknownst to us previous practice LOL. So of all the people i know courtship came first. People may play together and meet- but there IS a time of getting to know each other, sizing each other up as it were, comparing notes, kinks, aversions etc like a vanilla would compare movies, restaurants and sports.



peppermint -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 7:04:24 PM)

We knew each other for 3 months before there was any sex involved. There was BDSM play before that as we were at an event with dungeon monitors who would stop play if your partner ignored the safeword. Our courtship was 6 months of talking on the phone and internet, meeting his family, meeting my family, and living in his motor home for 3 weeks before we decided to make it 24/7.

I don't feel we short changed anything. We are still happily together after 6 years 24/7.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 7:06:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

We knew each other for 3 months before there was any sex involved.


I was in a marriage like that once.

ONCE!



angelikaJ -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 7:16:27 PM)

Longterm (if you count 3 years) here; I am a sensual sub.
My first 'scene' with the man who is my Master today was a shared bath.
We did not jump into scene-ing but went on a few luncheon-type dates first.

Relationships are as individual as the people in them.



peppermint -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 7:35:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie


quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

We knew each other for 3 months before there was any sex involved.


I was in a marriage like that once.

ONCE!


I have to admit. It was very difficult to plan sex when we were living 550 miles apart. It certainly kept temptation at a minimum. Heck we didn't even do the cyber sex thingy. As to your marriage....that was just plain fucked up.



domincalifornia -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 10:29:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelSighs

So what I'm wondering is............IF the BDSM community goes for the pain/pleasure side of the relationship FIRST, are we short-changing the potential for long-term relationships by "skipping" the courtship side of things?  Are we in effect "stunting" the relationship growth emotionally in one aspect before it begins?  Or doesn't the emotional growth of the relationship matter?


First, there isn't a reason you have to be involved physically before you get to know each other. A lot of people decide to take their time and don't play casually. If you do play casually, an emotional bond might develop or it won't. If you find yourself leaping into things physically and find yourself continually disappointed, put the brakes on it.



BitaTruble -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 10:45:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AngelSighs



Any insight particularly from long-term partners would be appreciated.

It really boils down to a people thing. For Himself and I the power thing was instant and I'd have knelt for him immediately if that was his trip. I just felt it and I'm pretty sure he felt it as well. That was almost 16 years ago and we're still going strong as our relationship continues. We started off with the power, the relationship itself developed along the way getting more complex and more satisfying as time goes by. Ups and downs, bumps and plenty of bruises both intended and unintended along the way but how you roll is how you roll and no two relationships are ever going to be exactly the same even when it looks as though all the same sorts of things are happening.



AngelSighs -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/4/2012 11:35:27 PM)

angelikaJ -

I guess I'm trying to reconcile what I'm reading, seeing (recent play party), and discussing with both the BDSM and vanilla.  I figure that BDSM is like many things in life - you find what works and make it part of you.  You discard what doesn't work.

But, I know that it would HURT ME to hurt anyone else.  So I want to be sure that I'm not ignoring the emotional side of things both for myself and a potential Dom.

I remember a discussion with my mother years ago.  She'd quoted the obvious - why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.  Then she said that there is an "emotional price" that you pay for casual play/sex as a woman.  She said that over time, it isn't sustainable and it's very hard on a person emotionally.

What I noticed over the years is that she was right.  I've noticed it in the lives of friends as well as myself.  It can be particularly hard to keep your heart open if there's a swinging door there.

So this is another thing I'm pondering while I figure things out.



DarkSteven -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/5/2012 5:31:20 AM)

AngelSighs, this is kind of a new world.  In the old days, we'd meet and talk.  If it was at a dance, we might dance.  Then we'd date.  Things would progress linearly until the man proposed.

Two things are now different - the Internet and play parties.  Using the Internet, I can casually browse your profiles and know your kinks, fantasies, and hard limits before I even initiate conversation with you. At a play party, we can casually scene before we have had fifteen minutes of conversation.  We can even see the other scening with someone else and gauge what play would/might be like.

The effect is that the "sequence" (for lack of a better word) has been changed.  The discovery about sex and play has been pushed to the front, and discovery about the other's vanilla life occurs after.

In my case, I met my submissive at a play party.  We chatted for a while, I spanked her, and then we chatted some more.  We then started dating.  Odd sequence, but it worked.



sheisreeds -> RE: BDSM Relationships - Healthy? (1/5/2012 5:44:17 AM)

Completely healthy, the healthiest relationships I've ever been in because I more of myself.

I've never been into any sort of courtship ritual. I go with the flow of the relationship. My current partner and I it took 3 dates to kiss, less than 3 months to shack up.

I've had one night stands turn into long term link relationships.

I've played with people where neither of us could stand on another just for the thrill.

I've played at first meeting, second meeting.

A good smack on the ass is how I greet some of my close friends.

Though all my kink behavior has been healthier.

As I didn't need to find unhealthy ways to thrill seek or otherwise get my needs yet.



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