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I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 5:03:03 PM   
RopePlease


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/15/2011
Status: offline 		My baby isn't kinky. He's freaky, but he doesn't think in kink like i do. When we met I felt a pull that i usually feel from naturally dominant men, and of course that attracted me to him. Before i even told him about my past, he was dominant. Now that we're both totally open about our sexuality, he's been kinda...annoying.


He's being assertive which isn't really him. He'll force himself on me, and not in the fun sexy way. I've noticed it for a while now and i spoke to him about it. He said he knows he doesn't have to force it, but he knows i like it and wants to keep me interested.

I was concerned with im saying that, because we've just gotten together, there shouldn't be talk of "keeping things interesting". So we talked about it for a little while longer. He says he really is interested in exploring some activities with me, and he promises to keep an open mind towards somethings.

Long story short things ended on a good note =P

___
I said all that (sorry i was rambling at a point lol) has anyone been in a situation such as this? I'm curious to hear!

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~Birdy
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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 7:35:35 PM   
slaverachel2Him


Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2011
Status: offline 		Some People are natural dominants but have had that suppressed due to parental training or religious training. Even in a religion that teaches a man is HOH (assuming we're talking male for example) they are required to submit to the church and when in a relationship where they ARE the Master, without the church, they sometimes have trouble initiating appropriately because they haven't had the role models, mentoring they need that helps them bring out the REAL dominant in them and not the dominant they are "acting" as.

That is sometimes helped by Teaching from the Bottom. Once He/She is able to dominate clearly and cleanly in M/s or D/s, learned the "tools" and gained the confidence the "teacher" needs to remember to step back and OFTEN consciously turn over the control to them to help them pick up the reigns. Also getting a mentor. An experienced Master/Mistress or Dom/me that you both trust and admire. YOUR reaction as well. Remembering to turn over the power and control when He asks you where you want to go, eat or do. "i don't know- it's YOUR decision". "You decide".

A lot depends on you and what you want too. Do you plan to be a slave or sub? If you are a sub, He needs to know your boundaries, and you can guide Him around that. If you need to be a slave, then you can help HIM step over the social boundaries and get comfortable enslaving you by reminding Him and constantly handling over the power, showing Him where it is etc. Explaining WHY some approaches are ultimately destructive whether or not M or D is a good thing to cover as early on as possible. Good luck.

He will take time to feel His way around and get a realistic handle on M/s or D/s

_____________________________

Master Richard's slave rachel

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 7:38:06 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		can't say I ever have been. But it sounds to me like  he's not sure of what he's doing and he's misreading your signs. You're throwing out signs to him that he's picking up as "must be aggressive" because he wants to give you what he thinks you want but you're saying it's not. He's confused.

So basically you two need to sit down, slow down and talk, and then talk some more. I'm sure he's mightily confused.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 7:51:06 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		When I first told my partner that I was into BDSM and D/s, he did the same thing. He tried to give me what I wanted, acted the part rather than became it, and it was....really awkward. I recall one time, in particular, when he was attempting to play the role of a sadistic dominant, but given that his heart wasn't in it, he ended up looking really ridiculous and saying some pretty ridiculous things. Long story short, I ended up over his knee laughing my ass off.

But, eventually, he realized that I didn't want to role play. I really wanted to be his submissive, and he my dominant. I didn't want him to "fake" his desires to please me. I wanted him to let his inner dominant out. And when he did, it stopped being awkward. My partner loves being dominant now, and has taken quite well to the role. Of course, it only worked out because he had dominant tendencies in the first place, he just hadn't fully realized them.

Talk to him. Give him time. Eventually, you'll see if his dominant side comes out or if he is only capable of "playing at the game" for your sake. Then you need to decide if the relationship will work.

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 9:13:43 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Interesting you should bring this up right now, I had a recent epiphany about my own relationship that's related to the topic. My partner and I don't have a really strong day to day base in kink, we share more vanilla activities together than anything. We met here as a Dominant (him) and submissive (me). We see each other 2-3 times a month and spend much of our time 'together' on the computer, I was looking through old correspondence recently trying to find something and noticed that in the beginning of things with him, we were much more conscious of our roles and orientation. In fact, I distinctly remember feeling a bit annoyed with him at times back then when I felt that he was more role playing than being himself.

There were definitely times when I think he put on the Dominant suit because he thought he was supposed to, or thought that I wanted that from him and he was trying to please me. He wanted me to stick around, he wanted me happy, and vice versa. We don't have that pressure now of wondering if the other will stick around, we know we are. What occurred to me while I was looking through these letters was that I can't remember the last time we've even used the words Dominant and submissive to each other over the last year or more. It's just us now. It's taken time to become fluid, and for us to find our place with each other. We didn't know at first how to give the other what they needed, we weren't sure what that was, when we found out we incorporated it into our relationship in a more seamless manner, and now it's just how we are.

It's my thinking that you and your man will find your way. He'll see what you need and what makes you happy and he'll do it. He's bound to make some mistakes, especially since it's new territory. With mine, I think he did things at times because other submissive women he'd been with liked it. It was new to me and I asked him a crapload of questions trying to be his perfect little submissive, looking back over those letters I had to laugh because just reading those endless questions annoyed me! Lol, it had to be annoying to him. We learned and grew and it's just part of the scenery now. I think it just takes time. Don't be afraid to give him some guidance along the way. I'ts part of becoming a couple, learning what makes the other tick. My Dom and I still have missteps once in a while and we learn and move on.

(in reply to RopePlease)
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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 9:48:04 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Some of what's been posted resonates with me. Such as being conditioned to suppress the natural Dominant tendancies, even by school (besides parental or religious training). Needless to say many Dominants such as myself have learned to excerise much "control" over ourselves. This conditioning does not change what we are thinking in our minds, we are concious of our actions and choices in asserting our true nature or not. Yeah, Social Adjustments (LOL).

None the less, anybody that's close to us...or gets to know us rather well... (put it this way, hard to hide it forever and keep a lid on it).

I also, fallen into doing things based upon routines from previous relationships. Pushing limits without realizing that my current submissive partner was anything but used to it. Then again, all my previous relationships have shaped me in some way or form.

Given areas of Power Exchange that I'm used to from previous relationships, simply can become an issue. The same is true with submissives who are running on their own auto pilot. Serving Beer up in a fresh Frosty Beer mug, or opening Doors for their Dom. Kinda of awkward for me being comfortable with a submissive walking 5 steps behind me then rushing to break their neck to open a door for me while going into a store or some joint to eat at.

So I guess my point here, is that this also works two ways. It takes awhile to work out these crazy speed bumps with making adjustments.

I'm pretty good at functioning in vanilla none D/s mode, unless there's a dire need for somebody to DOM up!!!!!!!! Which I will do in social situations around a room full people. Tends to shock a few people, but oh well... I'm also pretty darn good at flying solo and doing things I want to do by myself without being chained to what other people are into. Meaning, I'll drive my own car without being tied down to carrying a lot of friends with me. Meet up and Socialize with people. If I don't like the scene or if I become bored... I'll simply excuse myself and take off somewhere else or head back home. (hope this mindset makes sense to others).

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to RopePlease)
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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/5/2012 10:11:31 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		One more thing, some of my close vanilla friendships are well aware... that I'll threaten to take their cell phones away from them or lock their cell phones up in the trunk of my car. Mainly when they are being sucked into a lot of Drama and it's wrecking the night out or whatever we are doing. I seriously hate mindless drama that intrudes upon "get away" social time together. Yes, I will actually make them give me their cell phone. "Hand me your cell phone, you're shut off for awhile, you can have it back after we leave, you need a break from the drama, this is trashing our time together, hand me your cell phone!" <---- Seriously, this is just the way I roll with friends at times. However, it's with friends I'm close to and they are aware of the kind of guy I am.

I really don't take pleasure in Dom sitting my friends but I will. Now, this involves crossing over those conditioned hurdles. Because people ain't supposed to demand other people hand personal property over. Anyways, this is part of what I call practical D/s for sanity and code of conduct. I'm very much this way with D/s relationships.

On the flip side, there's the Dom side... which won't think twice about bending somebody over the kitchen counter and spanking ass and fucking like mad... just to get off. Ummmm... interesting. I'm thinking about some things I've asked friends to do just for laughs. (questions how close and blurry the lines get at times). Just thankful, for the vanilla mode training and social readjustments.

This is a slippy slope, which I tend to not think too much about. Save when responding to Threads, or otherwise when I'm in a position to stop and think about it. (ummmmmmmmm).

Needless to say, D/s relationships are way more intense... a Hell of a lot more of the Gates are open... with less worry. LOL Damn, I hope these two posts have some value on this thread. It's late at night and I should be in bed sleeping.




_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to RopePlease)
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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/6/2012 2:36:09 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I’m always a little confused when we talk about ‘natural dominant’. The op speaks of this man being a natural dominant but then says he isn’t assertive. How can he move naturally into this sort of lifestyle if he holds no assertion?

I think if a person is able to act decisively and with courage. In other words, positively assertive. If this person isn’t encumbered by sexual repression and is energetic, courageous, enduring and persevering. If he is centered and calm and able to contain a stable inner authority, then this man has it in him to be a wonderful dominant in the way that we understand it, if he wishes to move within these circles. In other words he is clear sighted. He has abandoned his boyhood and become a man.
He is still not a dominant (as we understand the term) he just has good foundations on which to build a power exchange relationship. He still has to overcome his conditioning of how to treat a woman who wishes to be his submissive or his slave. He still needs time, patience and understanding when it comes to power exchange because he’s now working on a whole new level.

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/6/2012 10:50:24 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's feeling your expectations and is afraid he won't live up to them.

The way out of this is for you to ask him to make a decision. "I've had a rough day, you take the remote/pick the restaurant/pick the movie". And then thank him afterward for taking the burden of decision making away from you. Lots of positive reinforcement. Tell him a few days later how you were more able to relax last Tuesday when he made the decisions about what to do. Ask him to do it again anytime. And then ask him again to do it some other night. Followed by more positive reinforcement, including you initiating sex. Showing him that when he does assert himself he gets a partner who is more relaxed and more sexually interested.

Same with kink, you ask for a spanking, get a little one and be grateful for it. Gratitude here including telling him several times afterward how hot it made you, and you keep wishing he would do it again soon and make it harder and longer.

Men are raised not to hit girls, not to sexually harass them, not to treat them as chattel. But instead to treat them with equality. If you want him to feel okay about doing everything his upbringing says he shouldn't do, then you have to start slow and you have to make it a good experience for you.

So if you ask him to pick a cereal because you hate all the choices in the cereal aisle, then you can't whine when he picks shredded wheat. You have to be grateful for him taking the decision making away from you. But after the box is gone, you can ask him to pick something different this time because you have discovered you really aren't a shredded wheat fan. The important thing is that when he does make a decision for you, you have to submit to it. Otherwise you're asking him to dominate you but refusing it when it happens. And when words and actions disagree, people believe actions.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/6/2012 11:12:56 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/6/2012 1:20:52 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He's feeling your expectations and is afraid he won't live up to them.


Pretty much what Celeste said, as usual....

I'm a believer that all living things are either growing or dying; that they are rarely in a state of flux. This includes relationships.... So yeah, now that he knows what you like, he wants to live up to your expectations to please you (which is both sweet and what we do for our partners) but as this side of the relationship grows, I think his general D/s inexperience has now led him to over-compensate. He's trying a bit too hard - "to keep it interesting".

And he's the dominant half, so he's understandably reluctant to keep asking the one who follows how he should lead. So maybe he's not as naturally relationship dominant as you may think; not comfortable in his own skin, as the saying goes. But he at least does seem into it and willing to expand his role in his own right....

Both partners (D & s) need their own individual motivation in order to complement each other (Power Exchange). If it were all about pleasing you, he'd inevitably grow tired of it (the dying side). Sounds like he just needs the occasional reality check; some guidance when he does over-reach - the getting of experience....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/6/2012 5:27:15 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline
quote:

So if you ask him to pick a cereal because you hate all the choices in the cereal aisle, then you can't whine when he picks shredded wheat.


Fucking HATE shredded wheat.

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/7/2012 11:41:16 AM   
RopePlease


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/15/2011
Status: offline 		Wow thank you all so much for replying with such eloquent answers! I'll try to answer them all without quoting since i really hate how it clutters up a long post.


I do feel he's confused. To a vanilla person, or even a person whose sexually aware, BDSM is a whole 'nother horse. I feel that he's going off of what he may have seen or heard. then in dealing with me, who isn't into spanking or "do what i say bitch!!" (least not when we aren't having sex...) he's confused because that what all the kinky people do in porn!!


I'm the worst person at explaining what and why i like certain kinks. ESPECIALLY to him. im still kinda shy about it, and i've never had to explain in down to the core like i have to with him. Mostly when i say things he gets a worried look on his face. I don't want him to feel like i have this high standard taht he has to learn Shibari in the next two weeks or ill put him in a cage. Which i truthfully felt that was his train of thinking.


Yesterday we got into an argument about something dumb, i don't know food or something stupid. And what could have been a really ugly first fight was extinguished by him saying "We are not talking about this right now. Im annoyed and you aren't listening. We'll talk when i see you." And i shut up. and said okay. And i told him (much later after he scolded me about being a little needy and a few hours of make up sex) That THAT was what i wanted. Much like someone said about not wanting it to be role play. I don't want him to fake it, because then our chemistry is fake.


He said he'd work on it, and it would be helpful if i would let him know when things felt a little fake or forced. I said i would love to do so.


I'm excited. i think before ( and maybe a little still) he was scared. Like someone else said, men were raised to be nice and fluffy to women. and as a babygirl i do need soft and fluffy, but at times i need a foot in my ass too. He even mentioned that sometimes he felt like he was bossying me around and not really givng me any choices. I just laughed and said your doing it right!


Anyway, im rambling again. Thank you guys so much for your views. Im glad to hear im not really alone in this transition. Before i was looking for a ready made Dominant that knew about all this stuff already. But i'm hoping and holding on to hope that once we get over the rough patch of "we don't know wtf we're doing!!!" that we'll enjoy things much more.

_____________________________

~Birdy

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RE: I think he's feeling some pressure... - 1/7/2012 5:51:52 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You should enjoy it immensely because neither of you are going to be trying to fulfill some artificial expectation, instead you'll have a relationship tailor made to the two of you.

Have you suggested he come on here and read? See that for every possible situation then are as many answers as there are posters, and sometimes more! If he sees that none of us are 'doing it right' by the porn he's viewed, he might be more comfortable doing it wrong himself. And yes, porn is fiction, it should not be taken as a guide to real life.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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