Trust... how to mend when it is broken

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sweetass -> Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/30/2006 6:11:18 PM)
Ok, I will make this as short and to the point as possible. I lost trust in my "Master" a while ago. Due to finding emails,etc.. he sent to his ex proposing and stuff like that. I have not submitted to him in a looooong time. My question is... I really miss serving so how do I let go of all the bad feelings and submit to him again? He has done a lot of hurtful things emotionally and I want to move forward but everytime I have in the past, something else surfaces that causes me to withdraw even more. Any and all help would be much appreciated and thank you in advance. :)

BlouLady -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/30/2006 6:24:14 PM)
I feel personally, that even though the trust is broken it can with communication, be mended. First YOU have to decide if he can ever be trusted again. If the anwser is no then it's time to move on. There is no relationship without trust. If the anwser is yes, then sit down, tell him you're hurt, but you want to make a go of things and that some things will have to change if you're going to stay together. Not only in this lifestyle but in general, communication is the best and only real anwser. Best of luck ~ Lady

BitaTruble -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/30/2006 6:33:09 PM)
Are you asking how you can trust him.. or how he can trust you? "Finding" emails and such usually means that one is actively searching for them. Did you have permission to go through his things? Bottom line though.. trust, no matter which side broke it, is very difficult to repair.. if it can be repaired at all. If you have lost trust, you are not serving.. why are you still with this man .. and why do you still call him Master.. yet put it in quotes like it's not a truism for you? You need to take a good, hard look at your own actions.. try to be really honest about the entire relationship and your own responsibility within it.. until you do that.. nothing is going to be healed enough for you to move passed it. Celeste

sweetass -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/30/2006 6:38:41 PM)
You're right, I was looking in his email without his permission and you are right that I should not have done that so I guess I do have more responsibility in this than I wanted to admit. Looks like we both have some issues to mend. We are still together because we do love each other and we also have a son together which if anyone has kids, will understand that parting is much more difficult. Thank you so much for making me examine my own sneaky lil actions. Now I feel as though I need to ask forgiveness from him and who knows with the humbling you just gave me, maybe we can find our way back to the relationship we once had. Thank you. :)

Kinkypupper -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/30/2006 8:04:55 PM)
In my opinion.. go elsewhere. Once its broke it cannot EVER be totally repaired. there will always be a shadow of doubt someplace back in your mind. Go forward and grow...

missturbation -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 3:05:55 AM)
First i'd like to wish you the best of luck in getting your relationship back on track xx. For me personally once trust has gone - it has gone. I envy anyone who can regain it though. The reason i wrote this reply though is the comment you made about having a child and it making it harder to part. In my humble opinion and i have been there staying together for the sake of children is not a good decision. I know you are not saying you are staying solely for that reason but please think carefully if that is a big part of ur decision. xx

fullofgrace -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 4:21:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetass You're right, I was looking in his email without his permission and you are right that I should not have done that so I guess I do have more responsibility in this than I wanted to admit. Looks like we both have some issues to mend. Now I feel as though I need to ask forgiveness from him and who knows with the humbling you just gave me, maybe we can find our way back to the relationship we once had. Thank you. :) while it probably wasn't very trustworthy of you to go through his things, it seems as though he's done a lot to break YOUR trust, and this is not all your fault. personally, i think it's good to ask forgiveness for what you may have done wrong, but don't let that absolve him of responsibility for his actions...which, from what you've said, are pretty serious. don't compromise yourself or take all the blame hugs but i agree...only through true communication can trust be regained, if at all. and he has to be willing to give up the actions that caused your trust in him to break, just as you would have to be willing to do your best to give up whatever insecurities caused you to go looking through his stuff. so at first there'll be a lot of shaky ground. but it can be done. i wish you the best :)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 6:26:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetass Ok, I will make this as short and to the point as possible. I lost trust in my "Master" a while ago. Due to finding emails,etc.. he sent to his ex proposing and stuff like that. I have not submitted to him in a looooong time. My question is... I really miss serving so how do I let go of all the bad feelings and submit to him again? He has done a lot of hurtful things emotionally and I want to move forward but everytime I have in the past, something else surfaces that causes me to withdraw even more. Any and all help would be much appreciated and thank you in advance. :) The only way to make it work is to sit down together and spill it ALL onto the table. You have to admit what you did- ALL of it. He has to admit what he did- ALL of it. Then you have to decide if you really want to forgive eachother. It doesn't really matter who did what why or when- if you aren't ready to forgive eachother and begin again, there's no going forward. And you have to respect his choice if he isn't ready. If you DO decide you are ready to forgive eachother- then you talk about WHY you both felt insecure and why you both did what you did. You talk about how it made you feel, you talk about what you actually want from eachother, you agree on expectations. And then you give it time. Trust takes time more than anything, let eachother show you what you REALLY mean and whether this is really what you want.

lisa1978 -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 7:23:00 AM)
Sounds like to me you need to have a very long and serious talk about your relationship and all aspects of it. I will not make conclusions based on little information you have gave about the trust issues or slap you on the wrist for viloating his privacy becasue I do not know the circumstances. I also feel focusing on the details like that will just be treating the symptons instead of the problems. I will also chime in about children in a relationship. If the only reason people stay in a relationshiop is for the children that is a huge mistake. Young children may not overtly know there parents are not happy, but the vibe is there and it is far more important to raise children in a happy and loving homes instead of one unloving one. A loving and positive home cannot be faked, no matter how much both people love their children.

Sensualips -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 8:55:33 AM)
I am going to disagree and say trust can sometimes be repaired, with an end result of a stonger relationship. It depends on the relationship. But it takes time, consistancy, and communication If you are committed to staying in the relationship for whatever reason, you clearly want to make the relationship as positive as possible for both of you. You need to deal with the issues that were the source of the broken trust. Why they happened, how it damaged each of you, how things could be different in the future. If you want to "let go" then you have to forgive and do exactly that. Not because he deserves it or because it is right to do so, but for yourself because the negative emotions are wearing you out. A friend of mine writes down all of the things that were hurtful to her. She watches the paper burn all while focusing on "letting go" of that pain, sometimes internally and sometimes verbally saying the words "I forgive you." Then she dumps the ashes in her flower bed, completing her symbolic ritual of moving forward. It focuses her and gives her a sense of closure that works well for her. That doesn't mean the core issues do not still need the work though. It is just her way of letting go of bitterness or negativity associated with a specific past wrong.

dominmd -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 9:11:21 AM)
It may just be me, but once my trust has been violated, it is on the very very very rare occassion that it is earned back. Flat out lies earn not only distrust from me, but my anger as well. I had it happen within the last 6 months, and I have not spoken with that person since the third time she had lied to me (about 2 months ago). Now if she had not kept lying, my trust may have been restored, but as it is, it was shattered.

sweetass -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 9:11:24 AM)
Wow, thanks to all for the sound advice. The reason I felt like something wasn't right basically started when we got together. He told me he was single then after we got together, it was ovious his "ex" was unaware she was an ex so I wasn't allowed to answer the phone, etc in case she called. It was about 3 months after we were together that he finally told her. Then he just kept bringing her up so I had a feeling something was going on and because I was suspicious I made a bad decision and went into his emails. I left but we got back together. Then, we had decided to move from the East coast to the West coast. My family lives in TN so we stopped there and I stayed for a week to visit while he came on to get settled in. After I got to Oregon, a couple months passed, and some girl forwarded me a bunch of emails he and she had been writing one another and while I was in TN this girl was supposed to move to Oregon with him and he was just going to leave me in TN, but she never showed up at the place they were supposed to meet. Things like that have been a constant problem in our relationship. I'm not sure why I am not enough for him. But with all that said, I do love him and I think he loves me. I just hold a grudge I guess and I am afraid to open myself up to him again. But with all the advice I have gotten here, I am going to sit down with him and lay it all out and see how it plays out. Some kind of resolution has to met because right now, I am miserable. So, thanks again for all the replies.

Sensualips -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 8:58:10 PM)
quote: It may just be me, but once my trust has been violated, it is on the very very very rare occassion that it is earned back. As I said, it depends on the relationship and is not easy. However, if she WANTS to trust again -- she just has to do it. That does not address if it is a wise choice and certainly does not ensure it will not be violated in the future. But she has stated she is miserable the way things stand. Time to do something.

Wolfie648 -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (5/31/2006 11:58:16 PM)
quote: Trust... how to mend when it is broken It's a personal thing. For me if you break my trust you are gone forever. If you lie to me once you will lie to me again. D (owner of j).

smilezz -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (6/1/2006 5:09:36 AM)
What is the relationship worth to you? what does the other person mean to you? can you forgive that person? can you both sit down like adults and talk this out? lay "everything" out on the table. Is any of this worth the effort? The past is the past.............stop living in it. (and no, that's not easy for me to do all the time either) Take the steps to live in the here and now, deal with what is at hand. All these things are not easy, but if each person will do the 'next right' thing, be consistent, lots of communication............it can be worked out, trust can be restored. It will take time, it will take effort, but it can be done. (just so you don't think i'm talking out of my ass here, i've been through it, i am speaking from experience, and i know without a doubt that taking the steps, this can be done) I wish you much peace, ~smilezz~

LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (6/1/2006 5:26:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetass Wow, thanks to all for the sound advice. The reason I felt like something wasn't right basically started when we got together. He told me he was single then after we got together, it was ovious his "ex" was unaware she was an ex so I wasn't allowed to answer the phone, etc in case she called. It was about 3 months after we were together that he finally told her. Then he just kept bringing her up so I had a feeling something was going on and because I was suspicious I made a bad decision and went into his emails. I left but we got back together. Then, we had decided to move from the East coast to the West coast. My family lives in TN so we stopped there and I stayed for a week to visit while he came on to get settled in. After I got to Oregon, a couple months passed, and some girl forwarded me a bunch of emails he and she had been writing one another and while I was in TN this girl was supposed to move to Oregon with him and he was just going to leave me in TN, but she never showed up at the place they were supposed to meet. Things like that have been a constant problem in our relationship. I'm not sure why I am not enough for him. But with all that said, I do love him and I think he loves me. I just hold a grudge I guess and I am afraid to open myself up to him again. But with all the advice I have gotten here, I am going to sit down with him and lay it all out and see how it plays out. Some kind of resolution has to met because right now, I am miserable. So, thanks again for all the replies. Take a serious look at the things you have written. Most of the statements you have made are all things that would not be part of a loving relationship. Be well, Julie

wetrope -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (6/2/2006 12:39:54 PM)
hey you, never!!!! Trust is not something you can mend or forget about, unless you have no backbone yourself. Don't be seduced by past good times, cus, you can do better.

Tikkiee -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (6/2/2006 12:47:09 PM)
quote: It's a personal thing. For me if you break my trust you are gone forever. If you lie to me once you will lie to me again. D (owner of j). Not only do I agree with this, but quote: Take a serious look at the things you have written. Most of the statements you have made are all things that would not be part of a loving relationship. Be well, Julie I also agree with this. Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and make some very hard decisions because this relationship looks to be already gone.

Evanesce -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (6/2/2006 2:45:18 PM)
quote: In my opinion.. go elsewhere. Once its broke it cannot EVER be totally repaired. there will always be a shadow of doubt someplace back in your mind. Go forward and grow... I don't agree with this. I think it will take a great deal of time and an even greater amount of honesty on both sides, but trust can be regained. Both parties must be absolutely, 100% open about whatever it was that took place, and the part each of them played in that event. Both parties must really work to understand the thoughts and feelings of the other person. The one who did the betraying is going to have a lot of work to do to make it "right" with the injured one, but if they're truly devoted to that person, they'll make the effort and do whatever it takes to heal the relationship. It won't happen overnight, but it can and does happen. I'm going through a bit of a trust issue myself this week. I wasn't snooping. I simply asked Him a question (fully expecting a "no" answer), and His affirmative response completely threw me for a loop. I've run the entire gamut of emotions, decided our engagement will have to be put on hold, and am still considering whether or not I should leave Him over this issue. However, in speaking with Him about what happened, I can understand how He would think what He'd done was all right. It doesn't make it any easier for me to accept that He did it, but His honesty in the face of my barrage of questions is definitely helping my healing process (I know He was honest because I'd already gotten the details from others who were there before I even spoke with Him about it). And I can believe He is sincere in His promise to never do it again. At this point, it's a matter of giving it time to see if the actions live up to the promises. I believe they will. I've lived with this man for five years, and I know Him better than He knows Himself. Even though He f***ed up big time, He's still a good man.

LadyCompassion -> RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken (6/2/2006 3:59:33 PM)
Just a side note...A lot of times the actions that break trust ( the emails and such) are just symptoms of a larger underlying problem. To truly set things right, that problem needs to be resolved.

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