Getting that balance

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Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 12:49:34 PM

LillyoftheVally

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So, its something I have been thinking about, another site has been talking about this idea of not wanting a dominant to like you too much because it may make it hard to be dominant in that situation.

This has got me wondering about relationships where you want this balance. So you are in love, you are spending your life with that person and you want to be able to feel both as though you are able to have your say in the relationship, where you live, what your house is like etc but you also want to have the inbalance that comes with D/s.

Its kinda the opposite of not wanting the dominant to like you too much, more about being able to be these two people as a submissive someone who feels so completely happy in the relationship and not finding the subordinate role unusual because the dominant makes you feel so comfortable.

Its rather hard to explain what I am trying to say I think, but I am asking how submissives are able to do these two things, or maybe it just comes naturally?

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 12:56:50 PM

Lockit

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I'm not submissive, but see this as similar to the dominant being able to be in charge and also find it possible to allow for freedoms with their partner. It is a fine line sometimes and damn if I get it right all the time, but I do believe there is a basic balance that can be achieved.

I think that when we limit what we can feel for one another, we aren't feeling up to the challenge of making something work and do limit what could happen. Its understandable, but I don't see how that could work in my life. Any possibility between two people... must be where we are comfortable with one another and open to the possibility.

If you can't envision it... try it. You may see it first hand if you have picked the right partner.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 2:30:39 PM

Focus50

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"Dominant" doesn't negate me being a decent human-being, who's driven by conscience and principles as much or moreso than societal responsibility and expectations.

Mutual love and respect needs to be a driving factor in my D/s relationships. While I use her and objectify her as a Dominant does to his submissive property, I still value her as the one I love, respect and care for. That "Dominant" is just one card in my life and relationship deck. Ok, probably one of the Aces, but there are still other considerations at work in my relationships....

I'm not bigger than the relationship. It's equal in that I contribute 50% of the D/s energy and unequal that I'm still the 'D' who generally leads, chooses and decides. But outside of the D/s, my decisions still include her input - absolutely. I'm a believer that owning a slave is to own all she is - including her unique female perspective when arriving at decisions. Which means, for example, that I'm not the kind of relationship partner who makes an expensive personal purchase just 'cause I'm the Dom and (allegedly) entitled. Expenses affect both of us; the human-beings we both are entitle her to an opinion, one that I value.

Now if I want my dick sucked or just see her squirming from a well-paddled butt etc, well then I don't need her opinion or permission - it's always implied from her being in a D/s relationship with me. I really don't see the conflict....

Focus.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 3:12:46 PM

littlewonder

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With me it's simple....he allows me to have say. I will tell him my thoughts and then he makes the decision...most of the time with my thoughts playing a part and sometimes not. Most times he's ok with what I choose because we both think alike on many things. On some things though he's a better judge and while I'm not always thrilled with it I deal with it. It's rarely ever a big deal.

I would say that for me it was in finding a man who felt a lot the same as myself, someone with the same morals, values, likes, dislikes, someone who is compassionate but yet firm, someone who listens to me and wants the best for me but yet will tell me "no" if he feels it's wrong or not something he wants.

It once again, comes down to compatibility.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 3:47:02 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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It's simple, really... each has their "say", but ONE makes the final decision.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 3:47:12 PM

fragilepieces

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I don't understand how liking someone too much can make one less dominant towards a person---is that kind of akin to you can not be friends with your child? I obey him and do what he asks because I love him and WANT to---NOT because his is some sort of super Dom able to control subs with single key strokes.

As for having my say---I do; we talk about it---he hears my thoughts but the final decision is his---someone has to have it right---I mean even vanilla couples run into this----most couples only buy one house---and sometimes there is only money for one car--so if she wants the blue house and he wants the red one who get to make that choice----draw straws? him because he makes more money? her because she knows what to look for when buying a home?

Balance is based on give and take---as long as one person is not doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking you have that balance.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 9:12:43 PM

FrostedFlake

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quote:

another site has been talking about this idea of not wanting a dominant to like you too much because it may make it hard to be dominant in that situation.

Sounds like someone is fantasizing to me.

Seriously, absent a lot of affection, I am not going to spending much time with a lady. If I don't love her, I'm outta there. If she don't love me, I'm outta there. I hear a lot of noise from certian quarters about subdudes thinking with their little head. The quote above seems to me a genuine example of that kind of thinking. Follow me through this loop.

"If it isn't about love, then it must be about _____"

There are probably three or four different words that can be put there. What are they? Are any of them good enough? If not, then for you, it's about love.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/6/2012 10:01:48 PM

RaspberryLemon

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
another site has been talking about this idea of not wanting a dominant to like you too much because it may make it hard to be dominant in that situation.

I've always felt this was incredibly flawed logic. I am submissive to him BECAUSE I love him. Likewise, he is my owner and he leads me BECAUSE he loves me. His love and respect for me does not make it difficult for him to lead--rather to the contrary, his love for me is the driving force behind his dominance.

That being said, we don't have a problem finding any balance. I do have a say in our relationship. He values my thoughts and opinions, and he wants to hear them. I enjoy being heard and I have no problem telling him what I think or feel. In the end the final decision is ALWAYS his, but my opinions greatly influence what his decision is. Like littlewonder said, it's also a matter of compatibility--my Master and I have similar views, morals, and interests, and thus we don't often disagree. And when we do, I just trust him that he is making the correct decision for us, because that is his right and responsibility as the one in charge.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/7/2012 2:14:39 AM

LillyoftheVally

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I am not sure if I phrased this in a leading way but it is interesting to me that people have talked about having your say as being the difficult area to achieve balance rather than being able to submit to someone you feel equal to. I wonder if then that is the most common issue or the percieved issue or as I say that my question was leading. Its interesting either way.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/7/2012 7:14:28 AM

AttitudyJudy

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If I interpreted your OP correctly, then my response is that I'm going to want a dominant to love me and respect me a whole bunch before I let him "dominate" me.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/7/2012 9:46:10 AM

DesFIP

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First off, I don't consider it an imbalance. I think of us as the two sides of a coin, both are necessary. He, being who he is, must lead in order to be happy. Me, being who I am, am much happier when I don't have to lead. I love him as much for his natural dominant abilities as for every other quality he possesses. He feels the same about me.

He's grateful to be with a woman who trusts him and who doesn't fight over who has the power in the relationship. I'm grateful to be with a man who wants to lead the relationship. It is balanced because both our needs are being met.

We don't have a punishment dynamic because it doesn't work for us. However the people who do have one both need that in order for them to be happy.

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RE: Getting that balance - 1/8/2012 1:06:09 AM

RaspberryLemon

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

I am not sure if I phrased this in a leading way but it is interesting to me that people have talked about having your say as being the difficult area to achieve balance rather than being able to submit to someone you feel equal to. I wonder if then that is the most common issue or the percieved issue or as I say that my question was leading. Its interesting either way.

Ah, I'm sorry for misunderstanding you. I thought you were asking if "having your say" was a difficult thing to achieve balance in.

Now that you've clarified for us: I don't find it hard at all to submit to him. It's how I show my affection and respect for him. I feel "equal" to him in the sense of value as a person/partner to him, and I don't think that undermines the domination/submission dynamic because as DesFIP mentioned, it's like two sides of a coin--they work together intrinsically and you cannot have one without the other. Our roles in the relationship match each other perfectly and I've just never had a problem with it. He leads, it's what he wants to do and what he's comfortable with, and he takes responsibility for me like that because he loves me. I follow, that is what I want to do and what I feel comfortable with, and I submit to and serve him because I love him. It's just two different ways of showing that commitment/affection for each other--two ways that just so happen to work extremely well when matched up properly between two compatible people. The balance is there because each side is fulfilling the other's needs and desires--it is imbalanced in power/authority but balanced in satisfaction and content. Hope that answers your question. :)

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