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What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 9:59:35 AM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
Status: offline

I have been unowned for some time. The last relationship I was in I ended because I was feeling emotionally torn and wasn't getting my needs met.
I have been single and without a collar, and at first, things were great! I could flirt I could be silly, have fun and not worry!
But then, as time went on and I watched my roommates cuddle and kiss on each other, the noises I hear from their room, I got lonely. I found a play partner, and our connection is great, but circumstances don't exactly allow for us to move to the next step. I will sound all gooey and say, I know I love him. Hearing the sound of his voice, seeing him, being near him...It makes everything go away. I don't think about things. I just relax. And hell, sometimes it's hard for me to get out of my head, let alone just shut down and be! But...
I want to be collared. I miss that feeling. That feeling of calm and out of control. Where I don't have to worry about everything.
I want to go the next step, but I just can't. Fate and time aren't exactly simpatico with me. This feeling of wanting to belong to someone has really been getting to me lately...and I wonder if I should stay with just playing with my play partner, or find someone who will take me as theirs...(That I actually can find myself attracted to. Bad as it may sound, I have a right to choose too I suppose :P).
Here's my ultimate question, and I guess the Clash put it best:
"Should I stay or should I go"?

Post #: 1

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 10:31:58 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Have you talked to this guy about your feelings? If he doesn't feel the same way then you'll either have to accept that and separate your feelings from him or move on and find someone that you are compatible with on all levels.

But here's the thing...are you in love with him or in love with being in love because you're lonely?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 2

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 10:39:06 AM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
Status: offline

I've known him for a little over a year. I actually met him when I was with my first Master, and remained friends with him. I believe it is love. I really do. I know it sounds all Jane Austin and cliché, but I think it is love.

I'm scared to talk about my feelings because the circumstances are a little unsavory. I'll try to put it as blunt as I can without divulging too much.
He has a submissive who he can not see or be around due to some really bad circumstances for her, their relationship dictates that he can play with someone in her absence. Before the bad circumstances, she and I met and were friendly and she even made jokes about he and I.
I want to be more than a play partner, but I'm scared because of the situation, that he would either: A. Beat himself up for having feelings for another person, or B. Push me away completely.

_____________________________

"Realizing I had a name-- Bec. It means "Little One". It's what Goll called me when he first found me. I was proud of the name. It was the only thing I owned, something nobody could ever take from me." The Demonata: vol 4 Bec.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 12:51:51 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScatteredRose

I've known him for a little over a year. I actually met him when I was with my first Master, and remained friends with him. I believe it is love. I really do. I know it sounds all Jane Austin and cliché, but I think it is love.

I'm scared to talk about my feelings because the circumstances are a little unsavory. I'll try to put it as blunt as I can without divulging too much.
He has a submissive who he can not see or be around due to some really bad circumstances for her, their relationship dictates that he can play with someone in her absence. Before the bad circumstances, she and I met and were friendly and she even made jokes about he and I.
I want to be more than a play partner, but I'm scared because of the situation, that he would either: A. Beat himself up for having feelings for another person, or B. Push me away completely.

Well crap, this complicates things. I'm not sure at this point that love or not love is the point, the point is can you live with what you are doing in the long run? So you have permission to be together, but that expires at some point. I think it's pertinent here how you feel as a person about being in the middle of this situation.

As much as you don't want to, I think you have to talk to him. If it is love then you are just biding your time anyway before talking....the talk is going to have to happen at some point if you have true feelings for him - how will it be possible that it'll never come up? Pulling things out by not talking to him is just getting yourself in deeper if he's going to reject your love in the end.

You have two options, stay or go. I think you owe it to yourself to find out where he is on things. If you go to find someone new, you'll still never know how things with the present guy might have played out. You say you've got feelings for the man, why not see if they have a future or if it's a dead end? You can always do option B, go, if he gives you the 'you knew what you were getting into' speech and ends things.

I have to say, it seems as though things with the present guy won't have a happy ending but you never know. Why not see what your choices are exactly rather than make assumptions? I know you might be cutting things off with your guy now by bringing this all up, but as I said before wouldn't that be in the cards anyway? And you seem to be ready for a relationship as you wrote in your first post, so if he leaves it'll suck, but you'll be able to look for what you seem to want....? Right?

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 4

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 1:00:25 PM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
Status: offline

The ironic thing about this situation was, we didn't even plan on becoming play partners. It just...kind of happened. We followed I suppose what our instincts told us and we slowly became very close and started playing..And then eventually started acting as a couple.

I want to tell him. And I think he kind of knows and gets it through subtle hints...I just am afraid to lay it out on the line because, I ultimately don't want to hurt him. But I've noticed, especially last night, I've been kind of hurting myself. And I need to find a way to I suppose tell him...Or just bite my tongue.

In the end, I want the stupid girlish dream. To be owned, to have someone love me and only me (I'm selfish, what can I say?), and just have a life with them. He fits because of that stupid litmus test.
You know that list girls make of qualities in a guy they like?
He fits all BUT one. And it's something I can easily over look (He's a vegetarian, I'm over it :P)

That's ultimately why I'm afraid to move on. Because I'm afraid I'll never find someone I'm this close to, that I'll also lose a great friendship in the process. And well, dammit, I'll be constantly comparing like a stupid love-sick teen.

_____________________________

"Realizing I had a name-- Bec. It means "Little One". It's what Goll called me when he first found me. I was proud of the name. It was the only thing I owned, something nobody could ever take from me." The Demonata: vol 4 Bec.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 5

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 1:59:21 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I've got a few years on me so I'll tell you some things I've noticed in those years. One thing is that you probably wouldn't be able to go on keeping your feelings to yourself forever. That type of thing has a way of needing to come out at some point. As I said before, maybe this is the point. Partly because you seem to be identifying that you're ready to look for a relationship. If it's not going to be with him, then you need to move on and form that bond with someone else. It's something that you're looking for.

Another thing is that you'll find someone else to love. You really will. Someone else will fit your list and give you butterflies too. I firmly believe that there isn't just one person in the world that is the right one for us. You WILL find someone you are that close to, it will happen. The friendship with him might morph into a slightly different version but you will probably still have that too. In all the years I've been alive, with all the people i've known, I have never ever ever seen anyone never meet another person they can love just as much, if not more, as their previous relationship. I'm sure in some far away kingdom in another world it's happened that the beautiful princess pines away after her love leaves her, but this is the exception rather than the norm. I *think* when we're younger it seems more like if we let them go then we'll never have that again because we simply lack the experience of going forth to find that other.

I've loved quite a few men. I've been happily married for a long time, I'm in a great relationship now and am probably happier than I've ever been. If I lose this relationship for some reason I'll probably go forth to find another love at some point. Life goes on. I'm not the only one out there who has loved, and lost, and loved again. I think my life is richer for the men that I've allowed myself to love and I don't really pine for any of them. Fond memories though....plenty of those

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 6

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 2:16:12 PM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
Status: offline

:) Thank you. I'm just, letting stupid teenage mentality get the better of me. As much as I want to pretend I'm mature and older, my age actually shows from time to time.

I think it has started to show and you're right. Part of me wants to just go "Iloveyoubutpleasestillbemyfriend" all in one breath so he can't really respond! Haha.

Thank you. I really feel a lot better. It feels heartwarming to know I can finally talk about this. Been bottling it for three months! Haha

_____________________________

"Realizing I had a name-- Bec. It means "Little One". It's what Goll called me when he first found me. I was proud of the name. It was the only thing I owned, something nobody could ever take from me." The Demonata: vol 4 Bec.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 7

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 2:52:45 PM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

I find that when I am NOT lonely being all by myself THEN I am ready to start a new relationship. Honestly last time it took a few years.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 8

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 4:10:21 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Being in a relationship because you don't want to be alone is not a good reason to have a relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to fragilepieces)

Post #: 9

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 4:14:29 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

He has a submissive who he can not see or be around due to some really bad circumstances for her, their relationship dictates that he can play with someone in her absence. Before the bad circumstances, she and I met and were friendly and she even made jokes about he and I.

Would all of you be open to poly?

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 10

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 4:19:05 PM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

He has a submissive who he can not see or be around due to some really bad circumstances for her, their relationship dictates that he can play with someone in her absence. Before the bad circumstances, she and I met and were friendly and she even made jokes about he and I.

Would all of you be open to poly?

They actually were in the future thinking of adding someone to their household. I personally cannot do poly. It didn't work out for me with my first Master, and actually left a very sour taste in my mouth.

_____________________________

"Realizing I had a name-- Bec. It means "Little One". It's what Goll called me when he first found me. I was proud of the name. It was the only thing I owned, something nobody could ever take from me." The Demonata: vol 4 Bec.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 11

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 4:22:54 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScatteredRose

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

He has a submissive who he can not see or be around due to some really bad circumstances for her, their relationship dictates that he can play with someone in her absence. Before the bad circumstances, she and I met and were friendly and she even made jokes about he and I.

Would all of you be open to poly?

They actually were in the future thinking of adding someone to their household. I personally cannot do poly. It didn't work out for me with my first Master, and actually left a very sour taste in my mouth.

Whether you are acknowledging it or not currently you are in a polyamorous arrangement with your current play partner.
It seems like if you were to acknowledge it you might be able to have what you want... or have clarity.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 12

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 4:23:39 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Not everyone is wired for poly. OTOH, I had a few bad experiences with BDSM and am glad they didn't turn me off all BDSM, just with those particular people.

(in reply to ScatteredRose)

Post #: 13

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 6:47:41 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

I am always amazed at what people are willing to put up with at the end of a relationship (and yes, yours is over), especially when compared to what they demand at the start.

Men that will reject women over a one letter bra size insufficiency will let a women cheat on him and not dump her.

You know this relationship is not working. You want the sex. Fine. You've had the sex. Now move on and look for something deeper. You don't have to leave the relationship until the new one gets serious, as long as you are honest with the play partner and let them know you are looking for something more.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 14

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 7:25:03 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

You know this relationship is not working. You want the sex. Fine. You've had the sex. Now move on and look for something deeper. You don't have to leave the relationship until the new one gets serious, as long as you are honest with the play partner and let them know you are looking for something more.

Actually she didn't say a word about sex, she's talking about love. She wants love. Last I heard love and sex were two different things. And blargh...not leaving the old relationship before getting serious in a new one may work fine for you, but not for everyone. It's bizarre to think that it's ok to use someone for whatever till you get the new thing going. Not everyone is up for doing that, it would seem kind of slimy to me but hey...that's just me.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 15

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/9/2012 7:27:59 PM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

Lizi is wise.
I agree completely with what she has shared with you. Time will not help..be honest about how you feel, and just get it out. Chances are, he already knows.
Good luck to you, I hope it works the way you want it to :)

_____________________________

There is no spoon.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 16

RE: What to do without a Collar or Care...Supposidly - 1/10/2012 2:56:25 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

Like kalishkama said, poly sounds like the perfect thing. And because it left a sour taste in your mouth the 1st time , doesn't mean it always will. If we used that as a baseline , mono would likely not be working either, as you may have had a sour taste from a failed monogamous relationship also :)

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._

(in reply to Fornica)

Post #: 17

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