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how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 9:51:16 AM

FlashinaPan

Posts: 17
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I'm a novice submissive but I know a d/s relationship is what I want. But I've had many a dom as me if it's something I've never experienced before, what makes me so sure it's what I want. And I can appreciate where they're coming from. I can see how they might be worried that after having invested a certain amount of time into the relationship, I might realize that d/s isn't for me. The thing is, I'm not interested in casual play; having explored kink with a couple of vanilla men, I have no doubts that d/s sex will be incredibly fulfilling. I want a relationship, but how do I get a dom to take a chance on me?

how did you get your first doms to take chances on you?

Post #: 1

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 9:57:15 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I built up a relationship with them first.

This has nothing to do with d/s. Having someone "take a chance" on you isn't any different in bdsm than in the "vanilla" world. You meet someone you think you might like, if you have a connection then you continue to date them, you both get to know each other, yada yada yada.

Nothing special, no different.

_____________________________

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Everything has changed

(in reply to FlashinaPan)

Post #: 2

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 9:59:04 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
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When I first started, I knew I wanted a D/s relationship but I wasn't entirely sure what the best type of D/s relationship would suit me. After all, I hadn't done anything so I didn't know whether I wanted/needed it.

So my first relationship was with a guy who wasn't looking for a long-term thing and we played a bit, tried stuff out and it totally changed my mind about the kind of relationship I was looking for.

Over the following years I had a couple of brief relationships which ended usually because there was some indefinable thing missing from the relationship.

It took me a long time to refine my list of needs/wants/hates and find a man who could offer all of them. Some I could have compromised on, but fortunately I didn't have to

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Post #: 3

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 10:16:11 AM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
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To me that's like saying "how do I make someone my boyfriend without dating them first". It's a relationship (for me anyways)..and those take time, and energy, and getting to know each other.

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Post #: 4

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 10:56:22 AM

kanina

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline

As weird as this may be i once got the opposite problem, he wanted to teach a novice, he wanted a pure naive , so don´t worry, there are doms for every sub...

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Non nobis, domine, sed domine Tuo da gloriam

(in reply to Fornica)

Post #: 5

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 10:59:12 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
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Not really, although I see your point.

I've never had problems getting relationships, but they never lasted because there was always something missing. I knew that 'something' was to do with D/s, but I didn't know what. I wasn't sure if I was a sub or a slave, whether I'd enjoy pain play or not, whether it was even in me to be submissive (I'm quite an alpha person).

So my first relationship was with someone I trusted who helped me to explore different facets of D/s. Kind of a FWB relationship, I guess. After a while we kind of outgrew the relationship and went our separate ways, and that gave me a great basis for finding the right kind of relationship for me.

Rather than leap into a D/s relationship with no experience and find it failed because some important 'something' was missing (and broke 2 hearts in the process), I thought it more expedient to figure out what that 'something' was first.

Now I know, I found the guy for me, and I've never been happier

ETA: With Master, we approached it as a relationship first and foremost, and the D/s didn't even start to appear until we'd been together about 3 months. I'm an old-fashioned kind of gal in some ways, lol

< Message edited by myotherself -- 1/12/2012 11:00:42 AM >

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

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Post #: 6

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 11:22:20 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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With all due respect, I find your question odd.

If I'm attracted to a woman, I'll ask her out. If she's not kink-experienced, she'll find out I am, and then we see if the fit is there. If the woman's into me, she'll give it a try.

I wouldn't hesitate to try a relationship with someone who considers herself a sub but has no experience. All I can figure is that your so-called Doms are either new and scared, or else not accustomed to real life (not online) relationships and are making excuses.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 7

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 12:36:27 PM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

Reading between the lines (and I could be misinterpreting), it sounds like you are saying that they don't want a committed monogamous relationship with you off the bat. And I think these days that is not so uncommon in the dating world. Many start with something more casual (in terms of level of commitment - I don't mean casual in terms of level of trust) just like in the vanilla world. The first date turns into the second and the third. What started as once in a while suddenly becomes weekly or daily - until suddenly one is practically living together. My point is just that most people, regardless of BDSM or vanilla, don't typically enter a relationship from date one, with a view to it being committed and monogamous. I have interpreted your question this way because you clearly state that you are not interested in "casual play" - but there are dating arrangements between casual play (hook-up) and a monogamous committed relationship that give both parties the time and space to develop on-going trust and closeness. I am not aware, myself, or from my female submissive friends, of men being completely unwilling to take on a novice (unless there is some other major issue that is an impediment).

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~ ftp

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 12:53:54 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

I think you are worrying too much.

Chances are the right guy for you isn't going to bypass you because you are new to this.
The right guy for you will appreciate that you are you and being new is a part of that.

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(in reply to fucktoyprincess)

Post #: 9

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 1:00:59 PM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

I'd much prefer a novice who is willing to learn and try new things than a veteran with a list of wants and limits and experiences behind her. Neither are going to disqualify anyone, by any means, but I quite enjoy introducing people to new experiences. You'll find your dom, worry not.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 10

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 3:35:47 PM

hangemhigh1953

Posts: 245
Joined: 7/8/2011
Status: offline

You wouldn't want a relationship founded on kink to start with, that would be a recipe for disaster. You should be looking for a relationship where you simply enjoy each other's company and care for each other. Then work your way into a D/s dynamic if it's something you both want.

_____________________________

"Chains of love got a hold on me,
when passion's a prison you can't break free"

(in reply to Epytropos)

Post #: 11

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 6:30:24 PM

RexDarcy

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/23/2010
From: Arizona
Status: offline

OP, I agree with DarkSteven on the point of the so-calleds either being new and scared or Desktop doms.

Once you find a good match, things click, and a relationship startd to develop, it won't matter so much that you are new to the BDSM side of things. It may take a while to find somebody that you explore the d/s dynamics with, but the wait will be worth it when you find your one.

_____________________________

"Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding."

"I am who I am today because of choices I made yesterday."

"To bring the pieces back together - rediscover communication."

(in reply to hangemhigh1953)

Post #: 12

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 7:03:32 PM

Miserlou

Posts: 264
Joined: 12/20/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I built up a relationship with them first.

This has nothing to do with d/s. Having someone "take a chance" on you isn't any different in bdsm than in the "vanilla" world. You meet someone you think you might like, if you have a connection then you continue to date them, you both get to know each other, yada yada yada.

Nothing special, no different.

this!

however, based on a lot of the mail i have received on here before i just stopped reading it, getting naked on cam seems to be the primary method of proving one is serious.

_____________________________

Misery

and the history books forgot about us

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 13

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/12/2012 11:05:13 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

How did you get your first doms to take chances on you?

Cripes. Be a living breathing woman and guys will be all over ya. That's pretty much the only basic requirement.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FlashinaPan
I'm a novice submissive but I know a d/s relationship is what I want. But I've had many a dom as me if it's something I've never experienced before, what makes me so sure it's what I want. And I can appreciate where they're coming from. I can see how they might be worried that after having invested a certain amount of time into the relationship, I might realize that d/s isn't for me. The thing is, I'm not interested in casual play; having explored kink with a couple of vanilla men, I have no doubts that d/s sex will be incredibly fulfilling. I want a relationship, but how do I get a dom to take a chance on me?

This is JMHO and all, but, like training someone at work, it's often easier to work with a someone new than a person who is experienced because all you have to do is teach em right-there's nothing left to unlearn. Consider-a girl has been trained to do something, like say avoid eyecontact, but the new guy likes eye contact, in fact demands it. It's gonna take a lot of work and effort on both parties behalf to get her retrained, and it's going to be a damn uncomfortable adjustment period for her.
And this is gonna happen about a 100 little things, from which side of the toilet paper faces up to where the dishes go or how much cream should be in the coffee, where she's going to react the way she was trained...to please someone else, not me.
With a newbie, this doesn't happen. She's Tabula Rosa, a blank slate.

Besides, think of it like this-as each relationship has it's own dynamic and own rules, thus, we are all newcomers in every relationship that we enter, so you are at the same level as anyone else.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to FlashinaPan)

Post #: 14

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/13/2012 4:21:39 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Be a living breathing woman and guys will be all over ya. That's pretty much the only basic requirement.

Hell, some guys won't even insist upon the breathing part.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 15

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/13/2012 6:24:35 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

We all start out just like....you, are.
It`s making sure you do not get yourself into such a freenzy over *it*,that you make bad choices. I know I...did.
Being a novice could very well be a huge advantage to you at some point with the right person.
I hope you find what your after in time....

(in reply to FlashinaPan)

Post #: 16

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/13/2012 6:45:37 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Be a living breathing woman and guys will be all over ya. That's pretty much the only basic requirement.

Hell, some guys won't even insist upon the breathing part.

Hey, I kept my word DS. I didn't out you :-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/13/2012 10:36:33 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

getting naked on cam seems to be the primary method of proving one is serious.

Lol, this should die down once you've been here a month or however long the "new member" period lasts.

(in reply to Miserlou)

Post #: 18

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/13/2012 11:22:35 AM

SinFix

Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

Well I will say this from an "experienced" sub... I go into each relationship as a newbie.. in other words I go in with the thought that I know nothing about what he wants, likes, needs things to be done...
I mean really how am I to know how he wants his socks to be, it could be folded, rolled, or even just thrown in a drawer...
It is on him to teach me how he likes his cock sucked, not going to go at it the same way as someone else liked it cause for all I know he could like a little tongue action or just a plain old face effing...
So don't concern yourself too much with the ones that don't want a newbie, they just aren't for you and you move on to the next...

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 19

RE: how to have a dom look past my novice-ness? - 1/13/2012 8:21:32 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you're demanding a commitment before you've even met, then I can see why they're backing off. It has nothing to do with your lack of experience and everything to do with your unrealistic expectations.

Every relationship started as a one night stand. Doesn't matter if you dated for six months before going to bed, eventually you'll have that first night. And there's never a guarantee that there will be a second, from either of you.

About being a novice, well what The Man told me is that he was glad I was because he had come out of a string of first dates who never got a second date because all they did was complain that he wasn't just like their ex. His rules weren't those of the ex, the activities he liked weren't those the ex did and so on. He didn't enjoy being with someone who would have done better to stay with her ex if she insisted that was the only way to do things.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SinFix)

Post #: 20

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