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CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: All of life, explained (1/15/2012 12:37:18 AM)
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ORIGINAL: AbeLincoln
Picture a parent and a child at the dinner table. The child spills his milk. Suppose the parent feels angry, and the child feels guilty. The child's strategy for keeping the relationship together is to send his parent the message I was wrong and you were right and I'll do better next time. The parent's strategy for keeping the relationship together is to send his child the message I am right and you are wrong and do better next time.
I read a book by Haim Ginott called Between Parent and Child and didn't get into the dynamic you mentioned. I also read Liberated Parent, Liberated Children. These were my guides for taking and using authority.
In this scenario...when the milk spilled, I said in a calm voice, "I see the milk spilled" and simply handed him a rag so he could clean it up himself. No shame, no blame, just teaching him that in times of trouble we don't yell and blame, but do what needs to be done. (When I was a kid, every meal held the potential for beatings and I did not want to continue this tradition.)
I didn't need to shore up my insecurity by rubbing my child's nose into it that I was better than he was. I'm adult, of course I have more skills and more knowledge. There is a way to gently, quietly dominate without being...hurtful and domineering.
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It need not be that way. The child can say you gave me the glass glass. You know that glass is too heavy for me. It's your fault. The point being that right and wrong are not intrinsic in the situation. The parent can apologize and accept responsibility. And they can repair their relationship that way.
I don't let it degrade to this point, where I have lost some trust and my child (or later on, sub) needed to be defiant with me and felt the need to shift blame. If a heavy glass was a problem, it disappeared from the available options in my cupboard. If someone would manage to tip over glasses no matter which ones were available, they would be replaced by...sippie type cups, or ones with heavy snap on lids and reusable heavy straws. It is my job/duty/whatever to make My way the easiest way for them to follow. My son is 22 and we have never had a hostile conversation where he was blaming me for something I was blaming him for. [;)]
What works for me parenting wise carries into my D/s relationships as well...years ago it helped me while I was in management and had lots of teenagers and young adults working under me.
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People acquire positions. If submitting has been an effective strategy growing up, you tend to get frozen into a submitting posture. If dominating has been an effective strategy growing up, you tend to get frozen into a dominating posture.
Ah...this one is a sticky wicket for me. I was raised to be submissive and...have PTSD from past traumas. (Yeah, uber lotsa counseling. Been there, done that.) Getting "frozen into a submitting posture" is a survival mechanism that has saved my life many tiimes over. I am also kind and mild mannered, laid back and sometimes talkative. I see no correlation between what works for me socially and in threat situations...and how I am within relationships.
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If a relationship isn't going well, a dominant tends to "dominate harder" to get the satisfying experience of closeness. Did you look at me? Did you look at me with your eyes, bitch? Eyes down! Open your mouth! Take this cock!
Hm, I cannot relate to this either. If the relationship isn't going well then there is something wrong and I need to take care of it.
I cannot enjoy dominance forced on someone, as a behavior they have to do around me to pacify me...I prefer seducing their submissive feelings and ensuring that they are addicted to the emotional power exchange between us.
What you describe...to me would be playtime, if I were into that kind of play. I grew up with forced submission, micromanagement, and a heavy punishment dynamic. I obeyed without thought, was incapable of thinking for myself nor even judging when something was done good enough...I needed him to decide everything and became incapable of saying no to anyone with authority. I did my best to obey but I could never love him, be happy in his company, feel safe with him, and I put the whole of the United States between us as soon as was humanly possible. I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way about me.
I am..."home"...their safe harbor. I have the power to put them into a passive, submissive state.
The other stuff is just too dramatic outside of playtime and funishment.
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