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kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/13/2012 10:32:59 PM   
waterloverlol


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/28/2011
Status: offline 		I consider myself a newbie, and am learning and reading stuff everyday. I sometimes ask a sub about his past experiences, it helps me learn about him. Once in a great, great while one will say he doesn't feel gentlemanly talking about that yet, ok I can kinda understand that. But recently I had a boy tell me he couldn't tell me, and when I asked why he said he refused to top from the bottom. Umm what?
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/13/2012 11:33:42 PM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: waterloverlol

I consider myself a newbie, and am learning and reading stuff everyday. I sometimes ask a sub about his past experiences, it helps me learn about him. Once in a great, great while one will say he doesn't feel gentlemanly talking about that yet, ok I can kinda understand that. But recently I had a boy tell me he couldn't tell me, and when I asked why he said he refused to top from the bottom. Umm what?


If he can't answer a simple and basic question, he can't bottom from the bottom either.

(in reply to waterloverlol)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/13/2012 11:53:29 PM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Hello WaterLoverLOL,

There seem to be two schools of thought at work here. The first one is that this is a FEMALE dominant relationship and any attempt by the male to guide, suggest or even mention an action is an attempt to "top." The second school is that there is a power EXCHANGE thaking place and that mutual enjoyment is the goal.

Look at some of the postings that men new to this discussion group put up and look at the reactions that they get. If he mentions his fantasies, he is upbraided for failing to realize that F/m relationships are about the 'F' not the 'm.'

I pretty much hold with the former school of thought. I'll take a real encounter over fantasizing any day. Every time a woman has tried to indulge a kink of mine that she does not share, the results have been less than satisfactory for both of us. On the other hand, I don't have to like everything that happens between us.

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger



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(in reply to waterloverlol)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 2:10:53 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		The fella was confused, Ma'am. He doesn't know what topping from the bottom is either

But, seeing as he THINKS he knows, he is not going to ask. So it may take him a while to change his definition. It is good you are asking. And it is good Snow Ranger is here. You are in good hands.


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(in reply to SnowRanger)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 4:00:27 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SnowRanger
All.



Spot on in all respects, Snow. To add: Personally, I've always been edgy about a woman just pretending to be into whatever my kink is and that absolutely couldn't work for me. I'm bound to get that feeling all the more strongly with a woman who's new to expressing her femdom side.

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(in reply to SnowRanger)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 4:32:14 AM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		Honestly, Snow Ranger's comment really covers the two sides of the pendulum ...

All I can add for you is that personally:

i like a Lady to ask me about past experiences, when W/we are early in the getting to know each other stage.

It seems to be psychologically helpful in defining the Domme/sub roles of the interaction.

Have You tried reminding the him that he has to learn to submit TO You; and that You wish TO know ... and he needs TO tell???

You might want to try that, whenever he says un-gentlemanly for sure ... because then he is asked to submit, even though he is personally uncomfortable. (This is good )

and try it with this "top from the bottom" answer too! LOL Because if he won't answer, then he IS topping from the bottom ... by trying to tell You what You should do ...

Good Luck!




< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 1/14/2012 4:41:29 AM >

(in reply to waterloverlol)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 4:51:48 AM   
MsSylverdawn


Posts: 147
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline 		Asking about past experience helps me define the boundries of the relationship.  How far I can push a submissive; where the edges of his limits are. If a boy tells me he has limited experience in a certain area then I know to start softly and work up and visa versa. Im not playing into his kinks but feeling out him as a potential partner. As for example if he were to say " I have done rope bondage and found it boring; Im to impatient by nature to tolerate the time it takes." Well he might not be the one for me. I use a lot of rope and I dont want a partner who mere tolerates something I love that would frustrate me as well as him.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 5:52:59 AM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		Still, answering a straightforward question about past experiences is notnthebsamenthingngas making a list of fantasies. Have you had experience with impact play? If so, whith what implements? Have you ever been in a LTR, or have you only done play sessions? Have you ever lived in-house with a Domme? What is your medical? Have youmever had any breathing problems? Has anything ever given you a really bad psychological reaction? Do you freak out in tightly confined spaces? If so, about how long does intake to, become uncomfortable? How long have you been confined in the past?

And then on the other hand, it would be nice to know your triggers---What can she use to reward you, when that is what she wishes to do? What has proven unpleasant enough, in your experience, to serve as an effective punishment? What pleasure can she use to counterbalance against pain she is administering?

If you refuse to answer these question, and others, you are denying her needed information about safety, and you are choosing to severely limit her toolbox! To me, if a Dominant is asking questions, I want to give her as much information as possible. I NEED TO TRUST THAT SHE IS ASKING FOR A GOOD REASON and it's not up to me to withhold information, based on my better judgement. If anything, making that decision yourself, and denying her request assumes that I know better than she does, and is itself a form of topping from the bottom.

(in reply to MsSylverdawn)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 6:14:23 AM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		I certainly concur. Giving my Mistress a clear idea of my fantasies and past experience is certainly helpful for both of us. I don't have a problem in the world relating anything WHEN ASKED. I would further consider it my duty to do so.


(in reply to BootyBoy)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 6:59:23 AM   
BootyBoy


Posts: 108
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		Agreed, SnowRanger.

I also have noticed that experience is a much better barometer than one's interests. How many subs purport to want to be toilet slaves, based on watching videos or pictures, seen in an anteceptic vacuum? But if they were actually exposed to the smell, the sounds, the taste, in the REAL world, they would be left wretching and gagging on the floor in tears? The same goes for the ubiquitous strap-on fantasy. How many guys would rapidly repent of their masturbatory fantasies if they were actually being torn with a dildo too big for their sphincter muscles to adjust too? The reality of real world pain often exceeds the mere idea of pain being used to reach a private and solo climax in your bedroom.

Subs will often say anything---be willing to do ANYTHING, at least in theory. But the important question is, WHAT HAVE YOU ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED? How much of this bravado is based on fantasy rather than reality? That's another good reason that I think that the experience question is so necessary to be asked and answered.

(in reply to SnowRanger)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 11:16:45 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		If I ask someone about his experiences and/or interests, I do not consider it TFTB when he answers me. Rather, he's obeying and submitting when he answers even though he's uncomfortable. Now to NOT answer just because he does not wish to, THAT'S more like TFTB. How else will I know if his & my interests match, or where his experience level is, if he doesn't answer? I'm a Domme, not a mind reader. lol I'm all for open communication. Always.

NBMG

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(in reply to BootyBoy)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 5:34:11 PM   
waterloverlol


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/28/2011
Status: offline 		It makes me think he has no actual exp, got embarassed and defensive...told me to do what I wanted, he wasn't topping from the bottom.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 7:25:50 PM   
hangemhigh1953


Posts: 245
Joined: 7/8/2011
Status: offline 		Maybe try telling him that he can tell you whatever he wants to tell you, but that it's your decision when it comes to actually implementing things? Might help reinforce to him that he is not controlling anything but just letting you get inside his head.

< Message edited by hangemhigh1953 -- 1/14/2012 7:26:39 PM >

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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 8:45:09 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: waterloverlol

I consider myself a newbie, and am learning and reading stuff everyday. I sometimes ask a sub about his past experiences, it helps me learn about him. Once in a great, great while one will say he doesn't feel gentlemanly talking about that yet, ok I can kinda understand that. But recently I had a boy tell me he couldn't tell me, and when I asked why he said he refused to top from the bottom. Umm what?


Communication is really key. I fail to see how asking about his past experience equates to topping from the bottom. Personally I think you are taking the right approach. Ask a lot of questions. You are not a mind reader so the only way you are going to find out what the other person is thinking or experienced in the past is to ask him.

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(in reply to waterloverlol)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/14/2012 9:00:08 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Actually, when I start to get serious about someone, I have an actual BDSM Checklist that I go over with him, to find out what his interests, limits, and experience levels are. It makes it easy peasy, all upfront and straightforward. You go right down the list and say it like it is. Without communication I can't see there ever being a good situation.

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I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/15/2012 9:31:25 PM   
leatherlaceglove


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline 		EXACTLY!

(in reply to BootyBoy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/22/2012 10:59:53 AM   
GloriousMorning


Posts: 171
Joined: 3/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Actually, when I start to get serious about someone, I have an actual BDSM Checklist that I go over with him, to find out what his interests, limits, and experience levels are. It makes it easy peasy, all upfront and straightforward. You go right down the list and say it like it is. Without communication I can't see there ever being a good situation.


agreed! bang on.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/22/2012 11:38:08 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		When I ask a question, for the most part it is important to me and I deem it necessary to determine many things by my questions. If I don't get an answer, I wish to know why and he will have more questions put to him. I want to know if he is hiding a part of himself or is playing a bit of a game. I am considerate about personal discomfort and if that is it, I will work on making him comfortable and safe, but I want to know.

I've found that many will use a multitude of reasons/excuses not to tell to much about themselves because the more they speak, the better chance I have of figuring out where they may not be being honest or forthright.

I don't want to top from the bottom, sounds like an excuse of some sort because I have asked and wish to know and I am top and yet he is trying to top in getting out of answering and is actually calling the shots. I have no need for it. I will determine what is topping from the bottom... not him.

We aren't talking about speaking on a message board... but talking to see if something is of worth or getting to know one another and on a personal level, it is different.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 1/22/2012 11:39:37 AM >

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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/23/2012 3:03:40 PM   
r1a2y3m4o5n6d7


Posts: 196
Joined: 1/15/2012
Status: offline 		Lockit you can always ask me anything. As far as top or bottom goes who cares as long as your on me.

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: kinda new asking sub ?'s... - 1/23/2012 3:06:48 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		RAYRAY you are so fickle!

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