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How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 10:00:17 AM

PolyIrishMiss

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Recently I ended a 10 week relationship with a submissive woman. We were girlfriends with a D/s dynamic, rather than a D/s couple. But it felt like it had significant potential for that sort of future. In the end despite being nuts about one another, we finished because being together would require each of us to compromise what and who we are. That was a price I was unwilling to pay, especially as it would probably have led to us hating one another in end. By ending this quickly I at least have the hope of a great friendship.

Friendship aside however this experience has led me to wondering how other Dominant type people deal with this sort of situation. I mean it's so rare to meet anyone you could have a true rapport with, much less any sort of D/s rapport. So it inevitably, for myself at least, leads to upset and that "will I ever find..." feeling. These I personally cope with by writing a lot more, and burying myself in some other creative project as well, in this case steampunking the hell out of a nerfgun for the local steampunk night.

How do other deal/cope with these feelings? Do you even feel them? And how do you come to realise that there's always hope again?

The last one is a struggle right now for me. *sigh*

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 11:04:10 AM

nortons

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I think disappointment comes from my own expectations. If I go in with an open mind and make an honest assessment of her it doesn't take too long to figure out if we are compatible or not. Go slow and spend some time getting to know each other before diving in too deep and get in over my head. Better to find out early than later. You'll never guess how I figured this out!

Dealing with disappointment: It is a valid human emotion and there is no need to deny it or pretend it doesn't exist. Accept and acknowledge your disappointment and it will dissolve of itself. When your disappointment has eroded away and your mind is functioning again you will realize there is always hope.

For everyone on earth there is one perfect person. Yours in Fatalgeze, Zimbabwe.

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 11:04:36 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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I do almost exactly the same things you do. Except for the modding; my gig is putting together costumes. There really isn't much you can do except give yourself time, TLC, and cherish your new friend.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Here's a little bit of silliness to help brighten your day.

_____________________________

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30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
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"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 11:06:47 AM

JanahX

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I deal with it by popping a lot of dolls, not eating and smoking like a chimney.

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 11:32:52 AM

PolyIrishMiss

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@ Nortons; Even my Mistress is proud of me for how quickly I processed everything this time, and for not allowing myself to fall too deeply too fast. It still sucks but I'm starting to accept the disappointment. Hope, well that'll arrive when it arrives. But thank you for the kind words. :-)

@ Sylvere; Thank you, it's true you know, there's nothing that can't be made cooler by steampunking. That really made me smile.

@ Janah; [awaiting approval] ? huh? Translation for the hard of thinking please. Or is this some silly system message?

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 11:37:37 AM

LaTigresse

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I simply focus on all of the other stuff in my life.

I feel like I have such a wonderfully full, big life. So much wonderful, so much colour, so many flavours, just........so much of everything wonderful. I cannot allow myself to focus on any sort of negativity for any length of time.

Certainly there are moments of 'oh woe is meeeeee' but they are so brief and fleeting within the larger picture of life.

Take what you had, for however long you had it, treasure it, accept it for what it was, just take whatever fabulousness it gave you for the time you had it, then move on. Allow yourself to let go of it and be open to new and wonderful possibilities.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 1/18/2012 11:38:32 AM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 11:54:02 AM

PolyIrishMiss

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Good advice LaTigresse. And well received. My Mistress read it over my shoulder and said "told you so." lol

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 12:58:10 PM

AndreSanThomas

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Regardless of the kind of relationship, you have to remember that there is more to you and more to life and more to your life than just that relationship. That's hard to remember during a break up, but it is also important to remember while you're in a relationship. Any time you look at a relationship as a way to complete yourself, you're ultimately going to lose. You have to have yourself complete and content before you can open up enough to supplement with the love and energy that someone else brings.

So, remind yourself, you don't NEED someone else in your life, you'd LIKE someone else in your life, if the fit is right. Tell yourself that 20 times a day if you have to. Eat Haagen Das and Wavy Lays Potato Chips with cream cheese and clam dip. Read some trashy novels while lounging in the tub. Give yourself a couple days to wallow in some grief, then get up and move on. When it's right, you'll know it and it will have been worth waiting for.

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 1:11:34 PM

PolyIrishMiss

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Well thankfully it's been many years since I valued myself by who I'm with. I'm genuinely very content with who I am. Just in those dark first few days after a break up.

But the Hagen Das sounds lovely, but I'll skip the chips though, yucky. I think instead I'll eat loads of popcorn and watch The Princess Diaries for the 23rd time. ;-)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 2:42:06 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyIrishMiss
So it inevitably, for myself at least, leads to upset and that "will I ever find..." feeling. These I personally cope with by writing a lot more, and burying myself in some other creative project as well, in this case steampunking the hell out of a nerfgun for the local steampunk night.

How do other deal/cope with these feelings? Do you even feel them? And how do you come to realise that there's always hope again?

You may never find. I will tell you what has worked for me, to manage feelings.

Kink used to be much more important to me. However, as I had more irl experiences, including edge play with women who had no trouble getting dates in nilla, I discovered that the kink urges had less power over me. I will always be kinky, but someone's personality and our nonsexual dynamic together is far more important to me than hottt sexxx of any preplanned sort.

I was off the market for quite a while, but I have now moved hundreds of miles away from my girlfriend, so that relationship ended. Since early January, I've already met 3 women irl, 1 from CM and 2 from a mainstream dating site, and gotten one of the best blowjobs in my entire life, from a woman I spanked before and afterward. Not bad. We barely talked about kink at all during our date. I just went for it.

Knowing that there is literally an almost-endless supply of interesting women who want someone domly in their lives makes it much easier to handle breakup and rejection.

Don't settle, but *do* be open to unexpected possibilities. If you have ever dated sub men, you must have encountered guys who are looking for their unattainable fantasy, not a real human woman. They are trolling themselves into solitude. Don't do the same thing to yourself. Connect with people in the real world, not with a preconceived fantasy in your mind.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/18/2012 3:13:10 PM

littlewonder

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Personally for me....don't have expectations. Disappointment is impossible if you have no expectations.

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 1:05:55 AM

PolyIrishMiss

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@ RedMagic1 After several D/s relationships the one thing I don't believe in is the fantasy submissive. I did back in my 20's, but a truly wonderful 3 year relationship with a monumentally fucked up submissive woman ended that. That and being a slave to my own Mistress, I'm definitely not anyones ideal slavegirl, but there she is loving me, and wanting me for hers. I usually see D/s relationships in that light these days, if someone as amazing as her can want an unbelievably bratty, defiant, bold, and sometimes just plain disobedient me for their own...well who the hell needs a fantasy. Besides I want a real woman. SOmeone to play video games with, who makes a mess of dinner, who has off days and good days, and everything else that goes with being female. Cos frik knows when my implant goes in I have off days too. ;-) So no worries on that count. And no I've never dated men, but I did pro-domme for several years and hated presenting that flawless image over the real me. I'd never expect that of anyone else, because it was simply a horrid situation to be in.

@ littlewonder I had zero expectations going in, but then someone made promises they had no intentions of keeping. But I have learned a lot from it. Not least being to not accept promises for a hell of a lot longer. I tend to accept people at their word because if I say anything to someone I absolutely mean it. My personal rule is that if you can neither mean what you say, or say precisely what you mean, say nothing. But all of life is a learning experience so...

I'd like to say thank you to all of you who have contributed to this thread. I've taken away a little extra knowledge and wisdom from each of your words. So thank you for your advice and for making me feel welcomed to this community.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 1:24:22 AM

MrBukani

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I really love these little mindtraps.
"I do not expect anything."...Really?
Does this just apply to relationships or life in general?
Or
"I just focus on the funstuff and accept negativity to move on."

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

Post #: 13

RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 1:34:42 AM

PolyIrishMiss

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Yeah I don't respond to mindtraps.

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 2:16:28 AM

MrBukani

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Here's another classic.
"Absolutely no regrets whatsoever."

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 5:35:25 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

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From: West Virginia, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyIrishMiss

How do other deal/cope with these feelings? Do you even feel them? And how do you come to realise that there's always hope again?

The last one is a struggle right now for me. *sigh*

How do I deal with them? I have backed away from the computer and from dating male subs...and watched an endless stream of comedy DVDs, done more things just for the fun of it (like blowing bubbles in the park, lol), took up knitting hats, and played more Pokemon.

Do I feel them? Yes, I have. I had to leave someone who was not good for me even though I felt I was dying at the time. If I married him, I would have divorced him within a few years; he was not good for me but it still hurt while I was healing, and I was not up to dating anyone else. (I have a huge library of books and of DVDs now, lol.)

How do feel hopeful again? Time passing. The pain has to die down so that I can remember the good things and be grateful to have had them in my life. Only when I feel comfortable with being without them, content in my own skin, am I ready to start looking again.

I am with someone now, and the funny thing is that we found each other when I wasn't looking. I had burnt out and decided just to limit myself to topping half a dozen or so friendly bottoms in my area (flogging is more fun than sit ups).

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 5:51:02 AM

CplNeedFSlave

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Joined: 11/21/2009
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Disappointment also figures in getting to know someone and then they go quiet with no reason given. This is a million times more hurtful than in the cases you are given a reason.

I feel 'taken in' and that i could have used the time talking to someone in other ways, not necessarily talking to someone else!

The 'signs' that you deny are:

A sudden unavailability to IM if she is at work, where there was not a problem before. Reasons given are overload of work

This happens day after day

But you do wonder if there is good reason but then the day goes beyond working time

If talking on skype, non-availability of picture, PC does not have a camera?
No mobile number contact because her phone is dodgy

The largest indicator that she is not talking to you alone is spaces between what you send and her reply. It could be technical, it could be she is, in the nicest sense, multitasking [something I do admit too myself]

I try to be:
Upfront if I have a problem here, with tasks or equipment, with an idea of how it will impact or how long it will be
Honest and say that I am not well when I feel just that
Fair and give an estimate of how long I will be away
Supportive if she appears to be out of sorts
Flexible if she has stuff going on - but also wary!
I always try not to think the worst, but am prepared for it!

How do I deal with it, after the sickening feeling I get once I have twigged? I tell myself I am no worse off, probably a lot better off, and I take the dogs for a walk.

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 6:05:09 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PolyIrishMiss
I had zero expectations going in, but then someone made promises they had no intentions of keeping. But I have learned a lot from it. Not least being to not accept promises for a hell of a lot longer. I tend to accept people at their word because if I say anything to someone I absolutely mean it. My personal rule is that if you can neither mean what you say, or say precisely what you mean, say nothing.

This jumped out at me. Your analysis of her seems awfully black and white. Perhaps unsurprising if you are still hurt, or pissed. But most people do mean what they say, at least at the time. It is a learned skill to follow through on statements, and many are trained in the exact opposite way by society. Cover your ass to keep your job, etc.

Even the drug addict who will say anything to get a fix is "telling the truth" when he says, "This time I mean it." He really does mean it. He just changes his mind later. That is why having an addict in the family is so poignant: shades of gray. Unless your sub was an operator who intentionally misrepresented herself from jump like a secret agent infiltrating a foreign government, you're probably looking at shades of gray too.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 7:20:19 AM

lostinmyownmind

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quote:

I had zero expectations going in, but then someone made promises they had no intentions of keeping. But I have learned a lot from it. Not least being to not accept promises for a hell of a lot longer. I tend to accept people at their word because if I say anything to someone I absolutely mean it.

Sometimes people make promises they fully intend to keep, but, learn later that they can't. It doesn't necessarily mean that they didn't intend to keep them, they may have learned something they didn't know at the time they made the promise. I learned a long time ago to take promises with a grain of salt because life is not just black or white and sometimes, shit happens that we didn't plan on.

(in reply to PolyIrishMiss)

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RE: How to deal with disappointment? - 1/19/2012 8:06:00 AM

bighappygoth39

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I can definitely agree with littlewonder on this. Not having any high expectations can help a lot. If you get to know someone enough that you'd like to meet, then if you just see it as meeting a potential new friend in your life and keep that at the front of your mind, you can't go wrong.

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Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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