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Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 5:06:50 AM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		Like many, my first experience with bdsm was in an online setting. It started with a conversation that touched on aspects of it and in time something began to click for me. As my interest and curiosity grew, I began to do searches and read on informational sites and finally found collarme and the forums here. I spent time just reading threads, going through and reading older threads, before ever attempting to post.

I am by nature a very shy person and it is very difficult for me to step into new things, especially alone. I have to push myself to do new things, meet new people, go to new places, and it takes time for me to work up to some things.

Over and over in reading threads by newbies asking for advice, people said, "Go to munches. Get involved in your local bdsm community. Get offline and meet people face to face." I find myself now giving that same advice, because I finally managed to step offline into real time and see for myself how much better it is in my opinion.

Finding and joining collarme is what got me involved in my local lifestyle community. I got an email within my first month on the other side from a local Dominant inviting me to join 2 local yahoo groups. I did so and am so very glad I did. Less than a month after joining those groups, I was invited to meet a couple of members for lunch. I wanted to very much, but my shyness kicked in and I had to fight to do it. I was so scared and literally shaking. I was determined to go through with it though and I did.

That day I met 6 great people and had a blast. One of them is a close friend now that I talk to online nearly daily and meet for shopping or just go hang out at her place whenever I get the chance.

My next hurdle was my first play party, which again, while something I very much looked forward to, was difficult for me to do and only made a little easier by the fact that my friend and I carpooled to it so I didn't have to go alone. Again, I met great people, had a blast, and even played.

Getting offline has opened up such a world for me, but it took courage, work, and determination to overcome my shyness and take those first steps.

Now that I've rambled through an overview, I suppose I should get to the point, lol.

How many of you are shy and had to overcome it to take that step to real time? What was it like for you in doing so? I know for me, that reading of a few people's experiences in stepping into real time from online helped me to gather my courage to take that step. Maybe it will help others as well.

As far as I'm concerned, real time beats online by a long shot. One just has to take that step to see for themselves. For others like me who battle major shyness, it's very difficult to take that step.

How many out there want to get offline into real time, but are so shy that as yet you haven't been able to?

The floor is open.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass
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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 5:37:28 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane
How many of you are shy and had to overcome it to take that step to real time? What was it like for you in doing so? I know for me, that reading of a few people's experiences in stepping into real time from online helped me to gather my courage to take that step. Maybe it will help others as well.

Going out for the first time is just like everyone's first school dance- EVERYONE is nervous at first.  But eventually you go, realize it's the same people you see everyday, have some punch, talk and maybe dance a bit.

Usually the worst things to worry about are boring conversation, sucky food and service, or too many people wearing black (ok maybe that's just something I care about).

Shyness is an issue, but just like you don't let shyness stand in the way of other adult things you have to do, this is another one.  If this is who you believe you truly are and how you will truly be fulfilled, then you do it for yourself.

Now, you don't HAVE to go to a munch or a party or any social group at all.  If one on one dating is all you want, then go for it.  I definitely recommend at least hanging out in the social groups to get that perspective, but it's not a necessity for your own personal happiness.

People will go when they are ready to go.  I figure if they haven't gone yet, it means that they aren't ready for it or don't feel they need it in their life.  It's sad when people allow fear to rule over their happiness, but it's understandable.

Here's lots of threads about this:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_276607/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#276607
So what am I so damned scared of?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_127545/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#127545
Assimilation and the Local Scene

http://www.collarchat.com/m_120380/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#120380
First Munch

http://www.collarchat.com/m_67830/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#67830
Attending functions alone

http://www.collarchat.com/m_66664/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#66664
Your intro: community vs one-on-one

http://www.collarchat.com/m_39190/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#39190
Am I alone?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_24220/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#24220
First Munch (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_115880/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#115880
My first munch

http://www.collarchat.com/m_243670/mpage_1/key_first%252Cmunch/tm.htm#243670
Off to my first munch

http://www.collarchat.com/m_311113/mpage_1/key_first%252Ctime/tm.htm#311125
your first experience

http://www.collarchat.com/m_291346/mpage_1/key_first%252Ctime%252Cclub%252Cplay/tm.htm#291346
1st Time at the Wet Spot

http://www.collarchat.com/m_195507/mpage_1/key_first%252Ctime%252Cclub%252Cplay/tm.htm#195507
Behaviors and Reactions During Play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_78610/mpage_1/key_first%252Ctime%252Cclub%252Cplay/tm.htm#78610
Question about First Time Scenes

http://www.collarchat.com/m_249091/mpage_1/key_first%252Cscene/tm.htm#249091
My first real scene!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_221923/mpage_1/key_first%252Cscene/tm.htm#221923
First Play party

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202913/mpage_1/key_first%252Cscene/tm.htm#202913
Novice Reactions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_95381/mpage_1/key_first%252Cscene/tm.htm#95381
"playing" on the first meet?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetSarijane)
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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 6:45:10 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Don't have too much to add dear, as I don't DO the shy thing myself, never have. But wanted to both congratulate and thank you for having the courage to do so and to share your expereince here for others to draw strength from. It is a problem many have and it maybe give some the reasurance they need that it can and does work, even for shy people, in order for them to take that step themselves.

OH an LA... 'everyone' is one of those generalisation things. Possibly 'most' but not everyone. As you are fond of pointing out at regular intervals, if something is possibly out here, it is a big world and WILL be out here somewhere. Some of us simply don't get nervious about that sort of thing.


< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 6/1/2006 6:47:33 AM >

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And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to SweetSarijane)
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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 7:03:45 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I used to be painfully shy as a small child and sort of overcame it during my teen years. Shyness was never a factor in preventing me from attending, but I was certainly anxious and had to "force" myself a bit as well.  I pep talked myself in the parking lot. :)

And I wore black.  No one can stop me -- I will wear again!

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 6/1/2006 7:04:32 AM >

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 9:11:36 AM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Don't have too much to add dear, as I don't DO the shy thing myself, never have. But wanted to both congratulate and thank you for having the courage to do so and to share your expereince here for others to draw strength from. It is a problem many have and it maybe give some the reasurance they need that it can and does work, even for shy people, in order for them to take that step themselves.




Thank you RavenMuse. I really wish I weren't so blasted shy. Once I know a few people in a setting and get comfortable, I'm fine and the shyness almost totally goes away. It's getting to that point that is so hard. It really helped me to take that step when I read of some positive first time experiences. I hope telling my story may help others who battle shyness.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 9:13:00 AM   
shivvy


Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline 		Hi ya sarah hun,
 
i can very much relate to your storey, and after being online for 2 years on yahoo chat, and making loads and loads of friends, after a long and serious thought, and i blame this site as well, for making me think about it and feel confident enuff in myself, on Tuesday this week, i wrote a blog in which i "come out" to all my online friends.
 
This woz a the second HUGE step i've taken in 2 days, coz on Monday, my vanilla relationship with my bf changed, when He agreed to accept my submission and become my Master and collared me.
 
This week i have been on such an emotional high, and am even starting to think the unthinkable, and coming out to my mum and dad - but that's something else completely different.
 
i just think sometimes, like when submitting and you gotta do something you really, really don't wanna do, you just gotta take a deep breath and do it, coz the fall out might not be as bad as you first feared. and if it is, well then you just gotta deal with it afterwards...
 
sorry, just wot i think.
 
luv,
 
shiv
xx

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

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Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 9:16:10 AM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I used to be painfully shy as a small child and sort of overcame it during my teen years. Shyness was never a factor in preventing me from attending, but I was certainly anxious and had to "force" myself a bit as well.  I pep talked myself in the parking lot. :)

And I wore black.  No one can stop me -- I will wear again!



I pep talked myself in the parking lot for that first luncheon and while doing so the Dominant came out to my truck and said, " The food's inside and we don't bite....much." *grin* That broke the ice and he had me smiling and laughing.

Oh and I wear black most of the time, especially to get togethers .

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 9:48:05 AM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		Pup and I wandered into a few munches, went to a class once... and just weren't sure what we thought.  Of course, since our relationship with others will be non-sexual, we were sort of an oddity/minority.  Not that anyone was unfriendly.  We just weren't comfortable.  Or I wasn't.  Shouldn't speak for Pup.
 
I've been on CM for a while, I guess.  I left after a month or two, but then came back recently.  Instead of the chats, I started perusing the forums.  I've found this to be a lot more informative and interesting.  I've actually seen the real side of some people instead of 'you, sub! on your knees!'.  I guess if I found people in RL who weren't interested in me as a sex object and were willing to just talk, that would be really good.  I'm shy.  I don't trust easily.  But that doesn't make me unfriendly, just cautiously smart (IMO, anyway).
 
zuma

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 10:39:06 AM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline 		I have always been painfully shy, worse when I was in grade school. I have gotten better over the years but am definetly still a shy person. So going from online to RT meets was a huge step for me and one I had to force myself to do. But it turned out great in the end.....when I finally got up enough courage to meet a Dom i had been talking to for months we instantly clicked and are now in a 24/7 M/s relationship. So I am definetly glad I did force myself to RT but it was definetly a really huge step and i was nervous the whole time.

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 2:13:41 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		Congratulations shiv and I wish you all the best.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 2:18:48 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala


I've been on CM for a while, I guess.  I left after a month or two, but then came back recently.  Instead of the chats, I started perusing the forums.  I've found this to be a lot more informative and interesting.  I've actually seen the real side of some people instead of 'you, sub! on your knees!'.  I guess if I found people in RL who weren't interested in me as a sex object and were willing to just talk, that would be really good.  I'm shy.  I don't trust easily.  But that doesn't make me unfriendly, just cautiously smart (IMO, anyway).
 
zuma


I was lucky in that friends are what I've found in real time. Any play I do is non sexual and in a safe setting. I learned the hard way a long time ago not to trust easily, but I get along with people and trust builds with friendship forming. Smart to be cautious and not leap before you look.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 2:20:56 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		I definitely understand. I was so very hard for me to take that step, but so very worth it.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 2:22:28 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		LA,

What was it like for you when you first got into it if you don't mind my asking?

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 2:35:44 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		It took me years of reading on-line before I tried anything. First it was on-line only. Then I started meeting people. Then I got burned badly a few times and determined that it just wasn't safe. Luckily I had Dom/me friends by then who told me I needed to go out and meet people in the community.

One of them finally got me to agree to go to a play party. Then I applied to a be a member of one of the groups he is a part of. Then I screwed up the courage to go to the local newbie munch. Then he took me to one of his favorite munches. Then I screwed up my courage to go to the big munch in this area, alone.

Last evening I went for my third time to the big munch. While I was there I got my hand-made corset and put it on. Spent the whole time showing off my corset and enjoying myself.

I'm still shy with new people, but I'm getting more comfortable within the local real-time community. I still get a little nervous, but I'm not petrified like I was at the first play party I went to. I don't think I saw ANY playing that night. I was too scared to look at anyone!

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 3:50:10 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I was very fortunate, as I can't stand 'blind dates' of any kind.  My first submissive was the first person I ever met in the lifestyle.  He found me within a week of being online at an alternative personals site... we met within a week or so, so the nerves didn't have too much of a chance to set in.  We talked, and shared, and researched things together online, and my curious and impatient side kicked in, and he was handcuffed, and chained to the bed in no time. It all flowed naturally from a physical and an emotional perspective.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 5:24:56 PM   
Dozhee


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you, SweetSariJane, for sharing your experience.
Reading how well things turned out for you makes me feel more secure in taking my own leap.

While I'm not shy in the traditional sense, just before new situations, I can become paralyzed with by the fear that my mere presence is going to annoy everyone in sight. (Silly personal psycho-drama, more than a tad egotistical to assume I can annoy that many people all at once, but I can't seem to shake it.) I've had enough experience with job interviews, public speaking, and the like to know that if I push through the fear, there is a reward waiting for me on the other side. I do not have that past, positive personal experience to bolster me when I contemplate going to the local munch.

I'm going to do it anyway, and if your ears are burning, just figure it's because what you shared is part of my personal pep-talk.
Again, thank you.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 7:19:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane
LA,

What was it like for you when you first got into it if you don't mind my asking?

My first time offine I was quite nervous, but tempered with the anxiety of sub frenzy- trust me I did EVERY mistake in the novice sub book.  For two weeks I could have been the poster child for sub frenzy.

But I met a top and we had a nice scene- majorly intense for a scene virgin, but fairly tame relatively. 

My first social event- I was SO nervous, it wasn't in my state, I'd never met ANY of these people before and my owner was the one who organized it so there was extra pressure to "act right."

But I was relieved to see that they really were NORMAL and that they just relaxed and did what they want.  Looking back I can point out the subtle jabs that the subs would give to eachother to try and one-up and how the doms tried to show off their subs and things like that.  But at the time it was just fun to hang out and know these people at least had something of a similar frame of reference as you did.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 8:33:34 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

I'm still shy with new people, but I'm getting more comfortable within the local real-time community. I still get a little nervous, but I'm not petrified like I was at the first play party I went to. I don't think I saw ANY playing that night. I was too scared to look at anyone!


At my first play party, once I relaxed and talked with a few people, I was ok and when the play began I really got into watching the scenes.

One in particular was done last and in private and I was invited to be there during it as I was friend to them and they had been right there during my scene earlier. It was a very powerful scene, not so much in what was done as in the sheer strength and depth of the connection between the 2. It was so beautiful to see. I could feel the power between them.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to sublizzie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 8:38:15 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		Thanks LA. I was worried that I'd get caught up in sub frenzy at first, but so far I've kept a level head. I'm more worried about that frenzy hitting when I get into a D/s dynamic in real time. I'm working towards that in time, but so far taking things slow and just getting to know him and he me as just 2 people.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dealing With Shyness and Stepping into Real Time - 6/1/2006 8:42:33 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		You are very welcome. I'm glad sharing my experience has helped you and I wish you the best as you take that step. I would love to hear how it turns out for you.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to Dozhee)
Profile   Post #: 20
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