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Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ?


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Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 8:49:30 AM   
Scala


Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		I think that I am going to struggle to word this, but here goes anyways. I have recently met a woman who is very dominant in normal life. She knows exactly what she wants both in her professional / career life as well as also in her personal life . Her whole manner is assertive and one of oozing confidence. For this reason I am very attracted to her and she (for reasons that are unknown to me) is attracted to me,because we have had a ''date'' which she wants to repeat.   Thing is that, she has absolutely nothing to do with the ""BDSM " world ..lifestyle .. I have sort of ''hinted'' at what I like just to see if she would reciprocate in a similar way. I asked if she liked having her feet massaged , to which she answered, ''which woman doesn't?'' . So then I sort of said, ''well maybe after the massage a nice kiss to your feet would appeal as well?. Her response to this, was an odd sort of look as if I was from another planet :-(( .

In ''normal'' life I can also do assertive and confident but when I was with her I sort of automatically let her take the lead in where we would go , what would be ordered at the restaurant , and so on. All of which seemed ok with her. 

So lets assume that she will never have a dominant behavior as we would like. My questions then to all you subbies , slaves , bottoms , servants  ... could you have a relationship based on ''normal'' dominance? . Would it fulfill you ? Do you think that it would still be fulfilling in the long term?




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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 8:55:09 AM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		For God's sake, buy a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky and ask her to read it.  It's not going to work if she won't Top you in the bedroom.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 8:55:38 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Yes. I can and do have a relationship with a "normal" dominant personality man. He just happens to have a kinky side to himself as well. But if one day that was to all stop then it would still be fine with me and I'd still be just as happy and content and still love him as much as I do now.



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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 9:38:41 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
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Status: offline 		Yeah, I think the real question is, can you do that.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 9:43:04 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
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Status: offline 		OP, you are confusing dominant with kinky.

The woman you are discussing may be the most dominant woman in the world but that does NOT guarantee she is kinky.

The question is, what do you require in your relationship? Dominance, kink, or both? Decide before you lead this woman on.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 9:53:50 AM   
Scala


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

OP, you are confusing dominant with kinky.

The woman you are discussing may be the most dominant woman in the world but that does NOT guarantee she is kinky.

The question is, what do you require in your relationship? Dominance, kink, or both? Decide before you lead this woman on.


I need both ... but not necessarily straight away , but I agree with you 100% that dominance does not guarantee being Kinky   

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 9:56:36 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
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Status: offline 		Nope. I would not, I am completely into bdsm, and kinky stuff, and would never be compatible with someone who wasn't into that and all it would entail to us. It would be a waste of time because no I would not be fulfilled, no it would not work for me, and I could have been out getting to know someone who was a right fit.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

My questions then to all you subbies , slaves , bottoms , servants  ... could you have a relationship based on ''normal'' dominance? . Would it fulfill you ? Do you think that it would still be fulfilling in the long term?







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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 9:58:20 AM   
Scala


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

For God's sake, buy a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky and ask her to read it.  It's not going to work if she won't Top you in the bedroom.


That Steven , is not a bad Idea but could also be a shot in the foot as well. Thing is that I really do like her, but find myself projecting my subbie nature onto her. So her asking me to help her take off her boots as a whole different meaning to me than it does to her

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 10:03:28 AM   
Scala


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

Nope. I would not, I am completely into bdsm, and kinky stuff, and would never be compatible with someone who wasn't into that and all it would entail to us. It would be a waste of time because no I would not be fulfilled, no it would not work for me, and I could have been out getting to know someone who was a right fit.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Scala

My questions then to all you subbies , slaves , bottoms , servants  ... could you have a relationship based on ''normal'' dominance? . Would it fulfill you ? Do you think that it would still be fulfilling in the long term?








I understand but I have seen couples where she is ''kinky'' but is not naturally dominant ..some how it comes across as play acting . But like you I would miss it ... I just love serving and doing all i can to make Mrs Scala happy

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 10:19:44 AM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		If that's your definition of "naturally" dominant, then I am a naturally dominant female as well. My ego is fucking huge, I ooze confidence, I know exactly what I want in life and how to get it. I'm a natural leader in the vanilla world. And yet, I am submissive with respect to my partner. So, just because this woman seems dominant outside the house, in the vanilla world, doesn't guarantee that she is dominant relationship wise.

How long have you known this woman? Personally, I won't talk about my kink with a potential partner until I know we are compatible on almost all other levels, and until an emotional connection has been made, even if it's not as extreme as love. This usually takes me 2-6 months. That way, when I explain that I am a submissive and a kinkster, the response isn't, "Ah? What the fuck?" It's either, "So am I" or "Sorry, I am not into that" or "Okay, let's try it!" People get weirded out when you explain your kinky side too earlier into a relationship, and in my opinion, that's the appropriate response! If, after only dating a man for a few days to a week, he told me he liked to piss on people, I'd be freaked out too. Not because I wouldn't mind trying it with the right partner, but because sharing intimate details of yourself with someone you barely know is (a) Rude, (b) Implies social awkardness, and (c) Comes off as a little desperate. I'd have the same response if, a short while after dating, a man told me about his childhood with his drug dealing mom and abusive father. Until we are at least semi-invested in each other, I don't need to know that, and your telling me implies that you don't know what social boundaries are. Just because we are dating does not mean we are in a relationship.

So, long story short, don't assume she's a dominant. Ask he if she is, but wait until it would be appropriate to do so. Don't ask to lick her boots on the third date.

(in reply to Scala)
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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 10:36:33 AM   
xxblushesxx


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Status: offline 		Mrs. Scala? I thought you'd only been on one date? Must've been a GREAT one!

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 11:06:53 AM   
Scala


Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisPet21

If that's your definition of "naturally" dominant, then I am a naturally dominant female as well. My ego is fucking huge, I ooze confidence, I know exactly what I want in life and how to get it. I'm a natural leader in the vanilla world. And yet, I am submissive with respect to my partner. So, just because this woman seems dominant outside the house, in the vanilla world, doesn't guarantee that she is dominant relationship wise.

How long have you known this woman? Personally, I won't talk about my kink with a potential partner until I know we are compatible on almost all other levels, and until an emotional connection has been made, even if it's not as extreme as love. This usually takes me 2-6 months. That way, when I explain that I am a submissive and a kinkster, the response isn't, "Ah? What the fuck?" It's either, "So am I" or "Sorry, I am not into that" or "Okay, let's try it!" People get weirded out when you explain your kinky side too earlier into a relationship, and in my opinion, that's the appropriate response! If, after only dating a man for a few days to a week, he told me he liked to piss on people, I'd be freaked out too. Not because I wouldn't mind trying it with the right partner, but because sharing intimate details of yourself with someone you barely know is (a) Rude, (b) Implies social awkardness, and (c) Comes off as a little desperate. I'd have the same response if, a short while after dating, a man told me about his childhood with his drug dealing mom and abusive father. Until we are at least semi-invested in each other, I don't need to know that, and your telling me implies that you don't know what social boundaries are. Just because we are dating does not mean we are in a relationship.

So, long story short, don't assume she's a dominant. Ask he if she is, but wait until it would be appropriate to do so. Don't ask to lick her boots on the third date.


you make some very valid points. The thing is that if I leave telling her too long won't i be ''leading her on''  as LaTigresse above has stated ? What happens if her response is "Sorry, I am not into that" ... then its a bit of a cold shower for both of us. ... Thing is the way that she acts sort of makes me social awkward even though I normally aren't. ...''sigh'' its all very difficult 

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 11:08:21 AM   
Scala


Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Mrs. Scala? I thought you'd only been on one date? Must've been a GREAT one!


ah we can all dream but I am one of life's great optimists ... 

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 11:17:14 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Being kinky and being dominant aren't the same thing. Personally, I am mostly attracted to men who have dominant personality expressions in a "normal" way, for lack of a better way to put it. Dominance isn't exclusive to kink and visa versa. It is nnice when they come together, though.
You've found someone with what seems like a compatible personality, so you could just focus on getting to know her and building the relationship, or if you feel like kink is necessary, find a tactful way to bring it up later down the line. Like HisPet said, though, she may not want to be dominant in relationships, though. Focus on getting to know her more.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 11:31:47 AM   
txstranger


Posts: 14
Joined: 1/10/2012
Status: offline 		I don't speak from a sub's perspective, but I think that a relationship based on "normal" dominance on her part *could* work.

Not really fulfilling what you are looking for, the arrangement would be a compromise, but some (not all) compromises are worth it. Many people live compromises, and not everyone is miserable with them. Of course your happiness is in your own hands in the end.

As said by other posters though, it might be possible that dominance by day does not extend into the bedroom. To the contrary, she might be looking to "counterbalance" with submission of some degree / flavor. Find out. How to find out ? Others are more competent then myself on that question...

Kurt

(in reply to Scala)
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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 11:46:22 AM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Speaking from the other side of the kneel, I love being Dominant in a kinky way so, being Dominant in a 'nilla way, well, it'd be Dominant but not near so much fun or satisfying. In a relationship context, there needs to be kink for me.

~edited to add~ What I am trying to say is, I'm dominant anyway in everyday life but, if I never got to be kinky, it wouldn't be near as fun.

NBMG

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 1/29/2012 11:47:58 AM >

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 11:52:21 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Yes. I can and do have a relationship with a "normal" dominant personality man. He just happens to have a kinky side to himself as well. But if one day that was to all stop then it would still be fine with me and I'd still be just as happy and content and still love him as much as I do now.




This is how things work for me. I have a great relationship. I could live without the kink if I get to be with him. The kink is fun, it makes life interesting, I enjoy it, in spite of all that he's more important to me. We have a bond with each other that is based on who we are, that doesn't go away if we get kinky in the bedroom or not. It's pretty much just a normal thing, we are with each other because of mutual attraction physically, mentally, personality, and emotionally. We match in more ways than just sex, it would be stupid for me to throw it away because he didn't want to spank me. There are other things we can do that I'll like, I can guarantee it. That's me....how about you? Can you live without the kink?

I started a thread once on when do you bring up kink to someone....the consensus was for the most part that you bring it up when you bring up sex. Whenever you get to the part of talking about sex or physical activities is a good time for letting her know what turns you on. Whenever you reach that level of intimacy in your talks, then it seems like a good idea to let her know what your idea of a good time sexually consists of.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 3:35:35 PM   
HisPet21


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quote:

Whenever you get to the part of talking about sex or physical activities is a good time for letting her know what turns you on. Whenever you reach that level of intimacy in your talks, then it seems like a good idea to let her know what your idea of a good time sexually consists of.


Bingo! When you start to talk about sex, that's the bets time to bring up kink, primarily because this discussion usually happens before two people are in too deep and after some kind of "I like You" emotional connection has been made. This way, you can avoid looking like an idiot or leading her on.

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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/29/2012 6:32:49 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The only person who can tell you if it is enough is you. We aren't you.

However, the problem I've found with vanilla types who are dominant but not aware of what dominance and submission means is that they look down on me for being submissive. They loved taking advantage of me, using me, but they thought less of me for allowing them to do this.

You normally don't get that from someone into d/s. Obviously there are some types who do, but they tend to lose their subs before too long.

For me, this was the deciding factor. Doing stuff for him was fine even if he wasn't kinky, being sneered at while he demanded I do more and more was not.

I suggest you talk honestly before you have sex. You don't have to say you want her to piss on you. You simply explain that you're happiest when your partner takes your input into account but makes the majority of the decisions. See if she wants that or if she thinks after doing it all day, it's like taking her job home.


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RE: Is ''normal'' dominance as good as SM dominance ? - 1/30/2012 4:18:19 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Being assertive and confident in day to day life does not a Domme make. In point of fact, the more assertive I have to be day to day, the more I want the opposite in my relationships, as a sort of balance.

Just let the nice dating thing go as it is and enjoy it, IF she shows interest in becoming physical THEN discuss your need for kink. You don't discuss sex with your dates immediately (at least I don't) and it would be a bit presumptuous to assume she wants to fuck you at all by the second date. 'Dating' is a process of discovering compatibility, find out if you're compatible on a friends level first, then broach the subject of how you want to jerk off on her feet later, when it's clear she wants to go further.

If she's not a kinkster now, that doesn't mean it doesn't interest her, but you have to take into account what MIGHT interest her, not just what you want from your fantasies. Maybe she finds your foot fetish icky, but maybe the idea of tying you or face sitting is appealing. When you finally have the 'talk' about what you're into, make sure you put focus on what SHE is interested in too, not just a wankfest for your personal fetishes.

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