ADomDoc
Posts: 312
Joined: 11/8/2005
From: San Antonio
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A blond was on a flight from New York to Los Angeles when from her seat by the window, she saw part of the wing burst into flame. The pilot's voice cameover the loud speaker: "Ladies and gentleman, we have lost one engine. However, there is no reason to panic. We have three other engines and plenty of fuel to get to Los Angeles, where we will arrive one hour late. Everybody relaxed, but later, the blond looked out her window and noticed another flash of fire. Again, the pilot's voice came over the loud speaker: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to report that our plane has lost another engine. However, there is no reason to panic. We have two engines remaining and plenty of fuel to get to our destination. Unfortunately, we will arrive in Los Angeles two hours late." After this announcement, everybody relaxes, including the blond, who takes a nap. But when she wakens and looks out the window, she sees what looks to be the tail fins bursting into flame. Simultaneously, she hears the voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost another engine but we have one perfectly good engine to get us to our destination. Unfortunately, we will be three hours late." The blond leans toward the person next to her and says, "I hope we don't lose the fourth engine, or we'll be up here all day!"
A blond walks into her physicians office complaining that everytime she touches her forehead, arm, or leg with her left index finger, it hurts so much that she can hardly stand it. The doctor says, "No wonder it hurts so much when you touch your forehead, arm or leg with your left index finger, your finger is broken!"
How can you tell if you're in the car with an unintelligent driver (who might be blond)?
They sit at the corner and wait for the stop sign to change.
One day, a blonde decided that she was going to make some money by kidnapping a child. She went to the park and grabbed a little boy. She then put a note on his back telling his mother to leave a million dollars by the slide and sent him back. The mother found the note when she got home.
The next day, the blonde went to the slide and found a million dollars and a note that read: How could you do this to a fellow blonde?
A blonde is sitting in a car with her boyfriend. The boyfried tells the blonde, "I need you to check and see if the signal lights are working, could you stick out your head and check?" so the blond sticks her head out the window and replies;" yes, no, yes, no..."
What do you call a smart blond?
A golden retriever
What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blonde electrician.
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.
How do you drown a blonde in a swimming pool?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette jumped off a bridge. Who hit the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde had to stop for directions on the way down, and the redhead stopped to find out what happened to the blonde.
There was a typical blonde named Suzy. One day she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.
"Hey, That's a real nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well, thank you, miss" said the herder.
"I have a proposition for you," said Suzy. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Why, Sure," said the herder, convinced no one could guess exactly.
So Suzy sat up and looked at the herd for a few seconds, then replied, "178".
"Wow!" said the herder. "Incredible. That's exactly right. Go ahead and pick out any sheep you want to take home.". So Suzy went and picked one out and put it in her car.
The herder leaned over the convertible and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?" queried Suzy.
"Well," said the herder, "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are on a roof. They all jump off at the same time, who lands first?
The dumb blonde, because everyone knows there's no such thing as Santa Claus or a smart blonde!
Two Blondes were walking in the woods and one spots some tracks on the ground. Look those are deer tracks. The other blonde says no they are not they are rabbit tracks and the first blonde says I'm sure they are deer tracks. Anyway while they were discussing it a train hit 'em
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What? What? What?
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were up for the job of homicide detective in a police dept. They had all scored equally on tests and interviews, and the Chief of Police couldn't decide between them. Finally, the Chief decided to ask them all one more question.
He called the brunette in to his office and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?" The brunette thought for a moment and then said, "The Jewish aristocracy killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon.
He then called in the redhead and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?". The redhead replied, "The Romans killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon.
Then he called in the blonde and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?". The blonde thought for a while, and then asked the Chief if she could get back to him in a couple of days. The Chief was a little surprised, but decided to give her the time.
That night the blonde went out to dinner with her boyfriend. He asked her how the interview had gone. The blonde said, "Interview, hell, I've got my first case!"
A blonde was vacationing at the shore of a lake. As she strolled along the shore, she noticed another blonde over on the other side of the lake. "Hello-o-o!" she called. "How do I get over to the other side of the lake?"
"Duh-h-h!" shouted the other blonde. "You're already ON the other side of the lake!"
Three blondes die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate and says, " Before you enter the kingdom of heaven, you most prove you possess a small amount of intelligence." He goes to the first blonde and asks, "Can you tell me about Easter?' She replies, "Sure, That's the holiday that comes in the autumn and is celebrated with a big feast and everyone giving thanks for their blessings for the whole year." St. Peter shakes his head and moves on to the second. "Can you tell me about Easter?" She replies, "Yes, That's the holiday that falls in the winter where everyone celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus by the giving of gifts to one another ". Again, St. Peter shakes his head sadly as he moves on to the third blonde. "Can you tell me about Easter?" " Absolutely ... That holiday comes in the Spring and celebrates Jesus' death on the cross. Then they put him in a cave, and rolled a big rock in front of it to seal it. On the third day, the rock was rolled away, and Jesus came out, and saw his shadow, and then there was six more weeks of winter!"
A very fair haired woman was boarding her flight to Miami Fl. She entered the door way and sat in one of the first class seats. The flight attendent, seeing that she had a coach ticket, kindly asked her to move to her seat in coach. She refused, saying I am beautiful, blond and I am going to Miami. The attendent continued to suggest that she move to her seat in coach but had no success. The flight was now being delayed due to her insistance. The Captain over heard the difficulty and asked the attentent if she needed help. She said you bet. I have tried everything to get this gal to move and she just won't. The captain steped over to the blonde and spoke a few words with her. She quickly smiled, stood up and walked back to her seat in coach. The attendent was amazed and ask the captain how he managed to get her to move. He said, It was easy, I told her this seat wasn't going to Miami.
Well, the blondes got together & here's their revenge for the brunettes:
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What's a brunette's mating call? "
Has the blonde left yet?
Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
A blonde woman was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. She made up her mind that she would show her husband that blondes really are smart.One day, while he was at work, she purchased a can of paint and decided to repaint the living room. Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He observed that she was wearing a ski jacket as well as a fur coat. He went over to her and asked if she was OK. She acknowledged that she was. He then asked what she was doing. She replied that she had set out to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb and, to do so, she had elected to paint the living room. He then asked why she was wearing both a skijacket and a fur coat. Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
How can you tell if a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies?
There are M & M shells on the kitchen counter!
A blonde went to a sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the salesman replied.
The blonde hurried back home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.."Darn, he still recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she went back to the store. She approached a different salesman and said, "I would like to buy this TV".
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," was again the response. Completely frustrated, the woman exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
There was a blonde who was really tired of the "blonde jokes" so she decided to prove everybody wrong. She studied for weeks, maybe even months, to learn the capitols of all the states. When she was done, she walked up to a friend and said "Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me the capitol of any state." To which her friend said "OK, what's the capitol of Minnesota?" The blonde smiled and replied, "M"
There was a brunette who was jumping on the train tracks while chanting 22, 22, 22. A blonde saw her and decided that it looked interesting and jumped on the tracks and started to chant with her, 22, 22, 22. Then along comes a big train and the burnette jumps out of the way but the blonde gets run over. The brunette gets back on the track ... 23, 23, 23.
NASA wanted a civilian woman to go in a space shuttle. So they asked a brunette, a redhead and a blonde what planet they'd most like to go to.
Brunette: Mars, because there might be intelligent life there.
Redhead: Saturn, because of the pretty rings.
Blonde: The Sun.
The guy who was interveiwing her asked, "But don't you know that if you went to the Sun you'd burn up?" The blonde replied," Duh, I'd go at night!"
Why did the blonde have square boobs?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
How are blondes like cowpies?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Why does a blond nurse always carry a red pen?
To draw blood.
Why do blondes need transparent lunchboxes?
So they can tell if they're coming home or going to work.
Why does it take blondes so long to drive to Florida?
Every time they see a sign that says, "clean restrooms," they stop and do it.
The blonde was so proud because she finished a puzzle in 52 days that said "2-3 years."
The blonde got pregnant and had a maternity test to make sure it was hers.
A blonde arrived at the emergency room with her finger all mangled. The ER doctor asked her how it happened. "Well," she said, "I wanted to commit suicide so I took a gun and I put to my chest and then I thought, I don't want to ruin that $10,000 dollar breast enhancement surgery! So I put the gun in my mouth and I thought, I don't want to ruin the $12,000 of dental work that gave me this beautiful smile! So I decided to stick the gun in my ear. Then I thought, you know, this is going to be REALLY loud."
What happens when a blond throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back.
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