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RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:12:49 PM   
LilNewThing


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks KillerAngel - i just read it and yes this part of the internet fear. I dont think he is a rapist or would ever hurt me (but who really  knows) there is a level of safety issues but also about falling for someone who may not be who they say they are... is the best way to find out a direct questioning or via more subtle methods..?.

Thanks

< Message edited by LilNewThing -- 2/3/2012 8:16:49 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:19:55 PM   
LilNewThing


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much. I am overwhelmed how supportive this community is. I appreciate all the advise a lot!!!!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:24:55 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I haven't read the other responses so I have no idea what you may have already said, so I'm just going to ask you...

Have you two ever met in person, face to face, in the flesh?

If not then I'm not sure how you could trust he is who he is. I didn't put any kind of trust in Master until we actually met face to face and I got to know him over time and realized I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be his slave and he wanted the same. Then again I never called him my Master until we knew each other in person over a period of time.

So my advice....slow down, meet first and see if he is who he says he is. Until then he's just another person like everyone else no matter what you think you may be feeling...it's called sub frenzy and unfortunately quite common.


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Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:26:33 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilNewThing

Thanks KillerAngel - i just read it and yes this part of the internet fear. I dont think he is a rapist or would ever hurt me (but who really  knows) there is a level of safety issues but also about falling for someone who may not be who they say they are... is the best way to find out a direct questioning or via more subtle methods..?.

Thanks


Actually being a rapist isn't actually the point I was making, it's when people think you should automatically accept them or put aside your very real caution because they are somehow above that. I didn't realize you were questioning how to go about finding out more, I thought you were wondering if it was ok to take him at his request for complete trust on your part.

Alright then, I'd say come out and ask him. Tell him you are really enjoying his company, and you'd like to settle some doubts in your mind about things, and in order to be able to move onto a deeper level with him you need to know certain things such as.....a.b.c.

I think if you ask subtle questions you may get subtle answers or more of the same line that he's giving you about trusting him.

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:29:35 PM   
LilNewThing


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline 		It sure is a frenzy... I consider myself quiet intelligent and emotionally perspeptive and no one has taken me where he has/can - so i think it is something special and then i go 'two weeks, met on the internet, havent ment yet'.... its insanly confusing, loving, enticing and exciting and fearing... 

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:30:22 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

is the best way to find out a direct questioning or via more subtle methods..?.


You won't know until you meet in person and you do this often enough to get to know each other. Until then he's just a complete stranger.

Sorry, but your frenzy for bdsm and your clit is talking for ya right now.

Why don't you two just drop the whole Master/slave thing for now until you know each other? Talk to each other like two normal human beings just talking and finding out just regular everyday normal things that all people do when they find someone they think may be interesting to them.



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(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:33:11 PM   
LilNewThing


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks killerangel that is what I was wondering ... as im new to submission and im publically quiet a dominant person I often articulate myself badly and come across as demanding  - i like your stratergy a lot... Ill tell you how it goes xxx thanks!!!

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:35:41 PM   
LilNewThing


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline 		Yes littlewonder that is also great advise.... ohhh man ....

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:47:27 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		FR

If someone has to tell you to "Trust me", they are doing a shitty job of motivating you to build that bridge. Slow down and take your time.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:50:29 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		Lol....ok, I think I have a better read on this now.

I honestly think you are going through what we call sub frenzy as was mentioned already. That's when you find this cool world of BDSM and you dive in head first with great enthusiasm because it just all seems so awesome. A danger here is that  sub frenzy can lead people to do things they might not ordinarily do. There is lots of information on sub frenzy in these forums, use the search feature to look for old threads if you like. Mostly understand that you are vulnerable now and that you should take a deep breath and slow down. Lots of us have done things we're not particularly proud of while in this state.

A couple of other things. First of all, you decide for yourself what goes on between you and whoever. There are no rules you're supposed to follow or standards you have to meet, it's all a negotiation between you and your partner. Your partner is not your Dominant or your Master until you have accepted him as that- which shouldn't be before you meet and know each other for a while. So.....you approach this new relationship you've started like you do a date. What do you do while dating? Do that now. If you wouldn't send a new guy you are interested in naked pics then don't do it now. If you wouldn't call a new acquaintance Lord Dom of the Underworld then don't do it now.  When you do meet, it's not for sex and bondage games....its' for coffee.

Keep reading here in the forums, there is a lot of good information. Keep your wits about you, treat this like you would any other situation where you are getting to know a man. Ask more questions if you like and if it helps 

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:58:46 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Pay for a background check on him. There are lots of background services online. Prove it yourself if you feel the need = which Im assuming you do.

quote:

I've broached this with him and he says he is exactly who he says he is. He has asked me to trust him completely, which has always been difficult for me for personal reasons. He says everything he tells me is true and he has never given me a reason to doubt this, however i kind of want to tell him to 'prove it' but this would offend him deeply, maybe undermine him as a Dom and possibly risk the relationship, which i dont want. So, has anyone exoerianced this on online connections?? How do I trust him over my own personal (possibly irrational) insecurities...? Or, do i trust that instinct and ask him to share more with me?
thanks LNT


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The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 9:12:45 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilNewThing

Thank you leatherlaceglove that was beautifully explained.
I do believe he is a good Dom. I'm worried because he has been stalked before and rather hurt so he hides some of his public persona until he trusts his sub. I will bring it up again - im just not sure if I am being irrational with my internet fear - but I guess this is something we should work through toegther. Thanks again :-)




I am still reading the thread, but I am commenting as I come to each thing.

He is saying he has been stalked before and that you have to earn his trust?

Okay. But he is asking you to surrender a very valuable and fragile portion of yourself and to potentially allow him to place you in some form of bondage or another-even if it is virtual, the emotion is still there, thus creating a potential for deeper hurt and emotional scarring that could make it difficult for you to move on in the future. (People often ignore, negate or neglect this point, but emotional damage is just as bad if not worse than physical imho)

You have a right to know certain things. You have a right to have you trust, respect, love and comittment earned, just the same, as he does. He should be understanding of the fact that you have been hurt in the past as well, and should respect that you will ask (and have a right to ask) questions about who and what he is. And he should have no problem telling you these things openly and honestly. This is a lifestyle based on trust, communication and honesty, so he should have no problem at all giving you what you need to be secure in the person you are trusting to take you on this journey into a new world.

_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 9:18:43 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

Lol....ok, I think I have a better read on this now.

I honestly think you are going through what we call sub frenzy as was mentioned already. That's when you find this cool world of BDSM and you dive in head first with great enthusiasm because it just all seems so awesome. A danger here is that  sub frenzy can lead people to do things they might not ordinarily do. There is lots of information on sub frenzy in these forums, use the search feature to look for old threads if you like. Mostly understand that you are vulnerable now and that you should take a deep breath and slow down. Lots of us have done things we're not particularly proud of while in this state.

A couple of other things. First of all, you decide for yourself what goes on between you and whoever. There are no rules you're supposed to follow or standards you have to meet, it's all a negotiation between you and your partner. Your partner is not your Dominant or your Master until you have accepted him as that- which shouldn't be before you meet and know each other for a while. So.....you approach this new relationship you've started like you do a date. What do you do while dating? Do that now. If you wouldn't send a new guy you are interested in naked pics then don't do it now. If you wouldn't call a new acquaintance Lord Dom of the Underworld then don't do it now.  When you do meet, it's not for sex and bondage games....its' for coffee.

Keep reading here in the forums, there is a lot of good information. Keep your wits about you, treat this like you would any other situation where you are getting to know a man. Ask more questions if you like and if it helps 




This.


_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 9:32:38 PM   
jennileigh8182


Posts: 173
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		FR-

Heh. I've had this 'relationship' before. Let me tell you: it won't go anywhere. If he gets defensive that easily, he's hiding something. Think about it: if you were talking to a potential new partner, someone you couldn't see face-to-face, and they asked you to verify some information....how would you react? Most likely, if you were being honest with them, you'd think, "oh, that makes sense."

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 9:55:41 PM   
risktaker9


Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jennileigh8182

FR-

Heh. I've had this 'relationship' before. Let me tell you: it won't go anywhere. If he gets defensive that easily, he's hiding something. Think about it: if you were talking to a potential new partner, someone you couldn't see face-to-face, and they asked you to verify some information....how would you react? Most likely, if you were being honest with them, you'd think, "oh, that makes sense."


Yes, unfortunately this has been my experience as well. As the above quote mentioned, think about if you were asked a question yourself and how you'd go about answering it - you'd pretty much just give him the answer. If a store detective asked to search your bag upon exiting the place, you'd pretty much hand it over so he could look through it and send you on your way- you have nothing to hide. The claims he has of having had a stalker are perfect for him to be able to deflect your questions. Why is he deflecting them? He should be answering them and giving you a base to build on. Asking for instant trust is a very real red flag.

As far as how to go about gathering some information about him I'd say remember this is just like any other relationship and do things how you'd usually do it. Try not to get too invested in him till you have some real things to build on. Take the D/s out of it, if you met someone 2 weeks ago and were imagining a relationship with him already you'd think you'd gone off the deep end right?

I hate to say this but I think this man is married. I'm just getting a feeling about that, I really hope I'm wrong but watch out for yourself.

(in reply to jennileigh8182)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 10:28:31 PM   
LilNewThing


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline 		Ok, thank you all... Im really glad i came on and asked about this. I will talk to him about how im feeling and see where we can take it. If i dont feel like he is acknowledging my fear (which i think he will) i will back off until we meet or things begin to build more seriously - ill certainly start to protect my own heart and identity more - its hard because he is so gorgeous and smart and... there goes the fenzy again -  its hard!!!!

thanks all xxx.

(in reply to risktaker9)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/4/2012 7:03:03 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I find that online things can take off quickly between two people, it creates a very intimate world and you become attached to someone much more quickly than in life. This is with or without the BDSM element. There is this false sense of closeness online, I say false because till you meet, it's really impossible to know how things will be with someone. When I began dating a few years ago when my marriage ended I became well acquainted with the almost instant closeness you can develop with someone online, in fact I learned to guard against it by meeting as soon as possible to see if I'd actually like the guy or not.

Pull back, check this guy out logically. Guard yourself, treat learning to trust him as an ongoing process that starts and grows with time and action. My bff and I have a saying that trust is transactional. When someone gives you something tangible in the way of information or an action, then you can feel a bit of trust grow within your opinion of this person. You don't just hand it over as a done deal, trust doesn't work that way. You're entitled to ask for things to build trust upon. If he seems reluctant to give them to you then you'll see that he's probably not the person for you.

I'm with the others in thinking that he is asking for instant trust to bypass something unsavory. It IS hard to guard yourself but you're the one who has to do it- it's your responsibility. Quite honestly, if he doesn't pan out there are others that might. 

(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/4/2012 7:42:38 AM   
slavehearttt


Posts: 15
Joined: 10/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR, Just adding my two cents. Real time = deal time. Only then will you know the “truth,” and honestly the same can be said for both sides of this. Then, in my opinion, the pieces will start to fit together, or not.

As far as your safety is concerned, if you are truly concerned before you meet him, in addition to what’s already been suggested, ask him if he has references from other submissives. This question really shouldn’t offend him, in fact he should be more than happy to provide references to you.





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(in reply to LilNewThing)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/4/2012 9:20:21 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Until you've met face to face....he's a stranger.

QFT

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yep

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/4/2012 9:45:15 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavehearttt

FR, Just adding my two cents. Real time = deal time. Only then will you know the “truth,” and honestly the same can be said for both sides of this. Then, in my opinion, the pieces will start to fit together, or not.

As far as your safety is concerned, if you are truly concerned before you meet him, in addition to what’s already been suggested, ask him if he has references from other submissives. This question really shouldn’t offend him, in fact he should be more than happy to provide references to you.



I agree with the gist of this but the underlined part of asking for references is actually not something I think works. He could give you the phone # or email of someone who will tell you whatever you want to hear, and if you think it's a reference, you may in fact lower your guard thinking he's ok when he might not be. I think the reference thing actually does damage rather than good, you might trust when you shouldn't  as the 'references' could easily be faked and you'd never know.

If I was buying a used car and a mechanic told me it was good purchase and the car was sound, I'd probably feel good about buying that car. What if the mechanic was wrong or getting a $50 bill from the seller to tell me that? Then I'd be making a decision based on untrue advice. You don't want to make mistakes with yourself, a car is only money.

(in reply to slavehearttt)
Profile   Post #: 40
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