How do I tell him?

How do I tell him? (Full Version)

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Ariana1976 -> How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 2:42:56 PM)
Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x

IrishMist -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 2:48:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x The best way is to simply tell him exactly what you are looking for in the relationship. It's either something that he's willing to explore, or he's not. Better to know now.

OsideGirl -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 2:56:19 PM)
I agree with Irish. If he has questions there are some good books: The Loving Dominant and When someone you love is kinky.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 3:02:31 PM)
In addition to the books, I'd also suggest each of you fill out a bdsm checklist, then compare notes. Great way to start a discussion. Good luck. Enjoy the journey!

DesFIP -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 3:11:58 PM)
It appears as if you're not sure exactly how to open the conversation. It is awkward but the sooner you do it the better, because the longer you wait the more he'll think you lied to him. Say something on the order of "There's something I have been afraid to talk to you about. I'm afraid you'll reject me or criticize me and that's why I haven't been entirely open. I'm sure you've noticed that I really enjoy it when you take charge in bed, even when it gets sort of rough. I was wondering if you have any drive in being the major decision maker in the relationship? Because that's what I prefer."

LookieNoNookie -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 6:25:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x Tell him he hits like a girl.

tweakabelle -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 10:32:39 PM)
If you both enjoy porn, a BDSM movie is a great way to bring the subject up. If porn isn't your cup of tea, a more mainstream movie like "The Secretary" (is that what it was called?) with a BDSM theme can work just as effectively. I mean everyone talks about the movie afterwards don't they? [:D]

tazzygirl -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/11/2012 11:00:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x The suggestion of using movies is a wonderful idea. http://netflixcommunity.ning.com/group/movieswithakink http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2011/09/top_ten_best_bdsm_movies.php These two are a good beginning to a list. It all depends on what you want to explore and how you wish to introduce the idea. You dont even have to mention the kink. Watch them with him and see what makes him tick. You can also begin by asking about his fantasies. All men have them. The bext time to approach this was, for me, when he was feeling all sexy and hungry. Lights off helps if he, or you, are shy about the topic. The dark seems to allow us to speak about topics we may not otherwise wish to reveal. But you have to discover what turns you on first. For example, if his kink is gang bangs, and you are dead set against it, it simply wont work. Over the years, I learned to let go of some preconceived ideas about what subjects I wouldnt consider. And, remember, some fantasies are just there to titillate. One guy I knew would get extremely hot at the idea that I would be willing to be a sex toy for others, yet the reality was he was so totally monogamous that sharing wasnt in his vocabulary. The fantasy was enough. Playing on that fantasy while in bed with him, alone of course, made for some extremely interesting, and exhausting, nights. Also remember, you should be happy in the relationship as well as him. Explore, have fun, buy a pair of handcuffs and a silk tie... meet him with both at the door.. and nothing else.... you may be surprised at the outcome. [:D]

Kirata -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 6:06:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s... Since you feel awkward talking about it, just start saying "Yes Sir" at opportune moments. If that doesn't cause a light to go on, the wiring probably isn't there. K.

JeffBC -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 8:27:49 AM)
"hints", vague innuendo, and similar strategies are going to fail both you and he here. Can you even articulate what you want, specifically, to yourself? I'd start there. What is "another level"? And what is "some sort of "D/s"? You don't need to tell me. Make sure you can answer those questions crisply to yourself first, then say them to him.

Kana -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 9:15:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes. But mention that you need him to take control, to use you, make you his, then offer him the leash. Trust me, I've had it happen. It's an incredibly erotic moment

Kirata -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 10:29:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes. If that doesn't cause a light to go on, he's dead. K.

happylittlepet -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 10:43:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes. But mention that you need him to take control, to use you, make you his, then offer him the leash. Trust me, I've had it happen. It's an incredibly erotic moment Unless/until he says no.

Higuysitsme -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 2:32:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes. But mention that you need him to take control, to use you, make you his, then offer him the leash. Trust me, I've had it happen. It's an incredibly erotic moment It may not work so well though if he has no idea about what is involved in being dominant, rather than just rough. Once you know what you want and would enjoy, you will need to be sure he actually understands how to deliver it, even if he's willing. A spanking is one thing; but getting all hell beaten out of you by someone who thinks that's what its all about isn't specially erotic; unless that's your thing. The films listed above are interesting; but absolutely none of them shows how real bdsm works. they are generally about pretty serious abuse. Even The Secretary is pretty hard core; she doesn't get warmed up, for example; he just belts her! And the end scene is pretty stupid. You're going to need to work out what you want, find out if he's interested in being part of it, and then do some work together on finding out how to actually deliver. Read - look up the booklists - and talk to people more on the boards.

Kracker -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/12/2012 2:44:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ariana1976 Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x My wife and I have recently started exploring BDSM in the bedroom and have been flirting with it for much longer. My opinion is that the best way isn't through some grand production, but through open communication. Let him know what you think you are interested in and what you have or haven't done in the past. A good place to start, and something my wife and I did early in our movement to BDSM, is download a "Fetish Checklist" and go though it together. You can either do it separately and then discuss or do it together. This simple exercise open the communication and helps you each get a feel for what the other likes. Something else we've done is give the other an assignment to find a specific porn video (spanking, bondage, rough sex, forced oral, whatever) and then discuss what we each liked or didn't. Lastly, and most important, is we routinely "debrief" our scenes. This way we can determine what worked, what didn't, what we want to do again, what we want to do more of, etc. I recommend proceeding slowly and with baby steps. You have the rest of your life to fully explore all aspects of "bedroom play." A common mistake is to jump in too quickly and want to experience it all "right now." The danger in this is that you have nowhere to go and you run the risk of overrunning someone's boundaries and forcing a strong adverse reaction. Good luck and have fun.

Exidor -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/13/2012 5:33:35 AM)
Look around the internet and find some BDSM short stories that show the kind of thing you want. Edit them as needed and print them out. Next time he leaves, hand him one in a sealed envelope and tell him it's something to remind him of you while you're apart. Or it's study material for next time you get together. Whatever seems appropriate. This way, you can select precisely what you want to show him, and the disconnection reduces the possibility of automatic rejection.

crazyml -> RE: How do I tell him? (2/13/2012 6:02:43 AM)
While I really do like Kana's suggestion (and for Pete's sake... if you did that the coin would surely drop!) but your op suggests that you've got a pretty groovy thing going on, so I'm pretty sure that having a good natter with him ought to do the trick. Just tell him what things would give you a buzz and take it from there....

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