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sheisreeds -> RE: Authenticity and Extremeness Under the BDSM Umbrella (2/19/2012 9:17:46 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
Of course, as I think on this more, perhaps we are not so much a community as a loose coalition of somewhat like-minded thinkers. Perhaps I am expecting too much to expect the notion of "community" around something as broad as BDSM?
Eh, for me it's a pretty real community. As I've gotten older I've thought a lot about maintaining community. I've often wondered how I would survive when I got to be my parents age since they have always had their church, and I don't got one of those. I've come to realize that the BDSM community fulfills all the same things as church does for my family. My friends and I vary a lot in terms of how BDSM manifests in our lives, but regardless it is a core component of our lives, our relationships, and how we experience growth.
My dynamic with my partner has always been an oddball, until recently there were NO other couples like us. The school yard fighting dynamic, blowing spitballs on your crush in 6th grade mentality didn't make a lot of sense to a lot of our friends. Though we were able to relate philosophically. We approached this BDSM thing in the same way our friends did, as a vital part of who we are, as a construct for our relationship, and a means of growing and learning about one another and ourselves.
On Authenticity:
For me, this is being true to who you are, accepting what you need, and accepting all the positive and negative consequences of what you need. People I respect in kink demonstrate this. One of my good friends is just a man whore. He likes a little S&M thrown in but he knows what he is, he doesn't try to represent himself as anything different. He likes running around naked and getting attention from the ladies. He gets and understands BDSM, but it isn't a huge priority for him personally. Though he's a great and willing assistant in scenes, and he's game for just about anything. He's more authentic than me, he's more authentic then a lot of the M/s couples that I know, and he doesn't fit any classic BDSM definition or role.
Authenticity to me also means being willing grow, to be willing to be actively involved in the give and take required to make these relationships work. People who just want a certain range of activities in a certain way don't read as "authentic" to me, they read as not being in touch with themselves. BDSM is a constantly evolving thing, relationships are constantly evolving and rely on cooperation to meet needs. Authenticity at the core is about being genuine with ourselves, until we can do that we can't be genuine with anyone else.
quote:
ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess
Because yes, many who are experienced feel that their definition should somehow be the correct one for me, too, even though I've been at these for a decade, and at this point, after many different types of experiences, have a very clear sense of what I like, and what I have zero interest in. At the end of the day, really, it is all about being respectful of the choices that people make. At my age and level of experience, I would just like Dominants to be respectful of my version of BDSM, and not assume that because of my stated role and gender that somehow I either don't know what I want, or have made a mistake defining what I like or that I need a man/Dominant to help me define what it is that I want. Another word comes to mind. Arrogant.
Be careful though, your response here is defensive and carries it's own airs of arrogance. Also, it's important to remember most "doms" on this site have ZERO experience and live in their own fantasy land. Though regardless in any kinky relationship BDSM is always a combination of both partners definitions of BDSM. No one but you is going to have your definition. You clearly know what YOU want, but what room is there for what your prospective partner wants?
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