How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

Atherton -> How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 2:18:24 PM)

I recently met someone who knocked my socks off. We seemed to be an incredibly perfect fit and share so much in common interest. We talked pretty constantly for about three days, exchanged several photos, talked about what we want in the future, etc., and then we had a wonderful phone conversation which we both loved (I loved it and he said he did). He said he is making a trip to meet me in about a week and a half, which I am extremely excited about. Everything felt amazing and good and I couldn’t believe it was actually crystallizing—my dream.

Then I started noticing that he seems to be on this site very regularly. I don't know whether he logs in several times every day or else he is on from morning til night, I can't tell. But it made me feel very insecure about the whole situation. What if he's just lying to me? He said he had no interest in this site, yet it seems he is always here.

I asked him about it very politely and nicely why, but he became very cross with me, never actually directly answered my question, and just made me feel bad for asking. Then he told me he was going away for a few days and thought we should take a break from each other before we met.

I admit I tend to be a little jealous/insecure at first, but was it that unreasonable of a question? And wouldn’t a Dom perhaps even find a little initial jealousy flattering anyway (one who wants this kind of situation)? I thought we had to build trust? I had told him before how important a foundation of transparency and authenticity are to me before entering into something like this with someone—you know, getting emotionally involved—because trust is the prerequisite to my kind of deep submission. Who wants to be deceived or waste their time, anyway? So, I guess my question is....does it sound like he’s playing me (i.e., he’s just a player/not serious and still looking for other subs)? Or is this part of our D/s dynamic (i.e., him getting cross with me and punishing me by denying me him--the worst punishment as far as I'm concerned)? I’m very confused/afraid and don’t quite know what to do or how to respond to this. I’ve never had a Master before and he would be my first one, so I don’t know what is “normal” and what is not.

I realize everyone’s different, and he’s probably the only one who can answer these questions, but any ideas or advice would be greatly appreciated.



lizi -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 2:24:16 PM)

I'll put money on it that he's married.




Lockit -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 2:27:42 PM)

There are many reasons someone could be on site and some might not like you checking up on them. However, if someone asked me the question, I wouldn't get angry about the question. It depends on how they did it whether I might regard them as too insecure or jealous to want to be with and what activities I take part on here. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with that question or even them checking on my activities because I have nothing to hide or defend, but thats me, not him.

You know deep down, the answers to this. A bdsm or d/s relationship isn't a lot different in certain ways than a vanilla relationship. Trust, a foundation and open communication is a must. Do what you have to do... there are a lot of dominant men out there to choose from and I sure wouldn't limit myself to one that got huffy and stalked off because you were trying to protect yourself, even if it did look like something might be a bit of an issue. He could have communicated even more at that point. He didn't. The next move is your own.



DarkSteven -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 2:33:04 PM)

1. Go slow.  You got infatuated with someone you didn't even know.
2. You live in Berlin.  I'd be shocked if there isn't a strong local scene.  Go out and meet folks.
3.wilkommen!



poise -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 4:44:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Atherton

I recently met someone who knocked my socks off.
Then I started noticing that he seems to be on this site very regularly.
I don't know whether he logs in several times every day or else he is on from morning til night,
I can't tell. But it made me feel very insecure about the whole situation. What if he's just
lying to me? I asked him about it very politely and nicely why, but he became very cross with me,
never actually directly answered my question, and just made me feel bad for asking. Then he told me
he was going away for a few days and thought we should take a break from each other before we met.


It has nothing to do with whether he is real or not, or a Dominant or not, as you wouldn't tolerate this
in a relationship in the vanilla world either....right? You shouldn't be so easy to dismiss a mans' behavior
simply because he labels himself a Dominant.

I dont think any of us can determine whether or not you were in a D/s relationship, but in order for
such a dynamic to be successful, one has to be capable of earning, and keeping, your trust.

The good news is, there are plenty of other wonderful men on this site, and you more or less
have the upper hand in picking those that suit your needs best. Best of luck!



jennileigh8182 -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 6:58:13 PM)

Someone who punishes you for a question by refusing contact with you? Mehhhhh...even if he IS on the up and up, which I doubt, he's not the sort I'd want to be with.



DesFIP -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 7:07:29 PM)

Damn, lizi beat me to it.
I'd bet dollars to donuts that he's married.



Kana -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/18/2012 11:23:04 PM)

Putting this kindly, if you haven't met, you have no relationship. You only have a fantasy the two of you are playing in your heads.
There is no D/S dynamic. There is no emotional involvement. There is only the hope and the dream..which can be brutally strong.
Grins
Kana's first rule of collarme-Everyone is fake till you lay eyes on em, and even then, you have to watch em close for a month or two to be sure. :-)



kalikshama -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/19/2012 5:06:04 AM)

He's a player.

Try to meet someone local. You may have to leave the safety of the computer to do this.



Madame4a -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/19/2012 6:50:20 AM)

Things online can become concentrated, overly romantic and fantasized... if you want a relationship offline... look offline...and yes, as others have said -- he's married. In my experience, people who are online all the time tend to be unable to give that up when they have something offline...the real life doesn't always come up to the level of the online for some



JanahX -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/19/2012 11:03:10 AM)

Youre not married to him and youre not in a commited relationship with him. He can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
If you dont like what he's doing, leave.



OsideGirl -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/19/2012 11:12:46 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Atherton
And wouldn’t a Dom perhaps even find a little initial jealousy flattering anyway?
You have NOT met yet. This man is a stranger to you until you've met face to face. So, no, jealousy isn't flattering. It's actually a little psycho.



RumpusParable -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/19/2012 11:32:58 AM)

Personally? Any such sign that a sub was checking how often I logged in and/or displayed such "jealousy/insecurity" when we were just barely starting out would very likely turn me off to them completely. If they are like that during the very beginning of talking then I'm not signing up for the amount of craziness and drama they'll bring if we go further.

And no, a little jealousy is NOT. Flattering to me. It's nothing other than a sign of insecurity/clinginess/drama that I don't want any part of - again especially at such an early stage of knowing each other.

It has nothing to do with a need to earn trust over time, it's a sign that the person is getting way too involved early on and they have issues straight from the start.



sexyred1 -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/19/2012 12:05:30 PM)

I don't see this as a Dom/sub issue. I see this as a rampant issue for any online dating. Online is a big candy store for many, so even if they meet someone, it is easy to stay connected. I don't know what many people who meet and take down their profile immediately.

People who meet online can always check up on on each other on any type of site; last logged in, etc. I have many vanilla friends who caught their guy/girl still online, different profiles, etc. even when they had already met and started relationships.

The only advice I can give the OP is to actually have no expectations of anything online, and when and if you do meet, sure, keep aware and monitor if you want, because only time will tell in ANY RELATIONSHIP whether the person/persons are committed or not.

I would certainly not berate the OP for jealousy/insecurity issues when I can guarantee everyone who has ever met anyone online has experienced this type of thing.



chatterbox24 -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/20/2012 5:26:57 PM)

I used to be pretty jealous myself and if i let myself it can show its ugly head at times. BUt it really is a negative emotion and unattractive. Especially early in a relationship. Im not crazy about it in the other person either cause it shows insecurity.
Not sure if the guy is real or not, but regardless if he is on here or not, if he keeps coming back to you I would say you have something, if he doesnt well he isnt giving you what you want and his interest isnt where it should be. The real deal is when someone talks to others and comes back to you, and find your the only one in the future.



angelikaJ -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/20/2012 6:02:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Atherton

I recently met someone who knocked my socks off. We seemed to be an incredibly perfect fit and share so much in common interest. We talked pretty constantly for about three days, exchanged several photos, talked about what we want in the future, etc., and then we had a wonderful phone conversation which we both loved (I loved it and he said he did). He said he is making a trip to meet me in about a week and a half, which I am extremely excited about. Everything felt amazing and good and I couldn’t believe it was actually crystallizing—my dream.

Then I started noticing that he seems to be on this site very regularly. I don't know whether he logs in several times every day or else he is on from morning til night, I can't tell. But it made me feel very insecure about the whole situation. What if he's just lying to me? He said he had no interest in this site, yet it seems he is always here.




He might not be interested in the site itself as in is still actively seeking but likes to access the porn links... just sayin'.



Kaliko -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/20/2012 7:41:45 PM)

I do think it was unreasonable of you to ask him. And I personally don't think he's married. (Though, maybe he is. Who knows? But I didn't get that from your post.)

I'm on CM all the friggin' time. And Fet. And OKCupid. Even when I'm not "looking" I'm on there. I get emails from people, and I pop online to read them. That's the real reason it appears I'm on all the time. And I never log out of any of the sites, so I probably appear logged in longer than I'm actually there.

And sometimes it's just a nice diversion to see who's in the area, etc.

So, I definitely think that the questioning would have bothered me, if I were him. If you were a man questioning me when we've only chatted on the phone, I would stop things right then and there. So he did, as well. It has nothing to do with D/s at all. It has to do with crazy vs. sane. (In appearance, anyway. I'm sure you're perfectly sane.)




LilNewThing -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/20/2012 9:44:15 PM)

I couldn't agree more with Kana - i learnt the difference between real life and fantasy very recently....

I'd say he has something to hide if he got angry and distant... But im fresh so it might be a shallow observation... but this was my experiance EXACTLY but we spoke for a couple of weeks... I read on here somewhere its called 'poofing' check it out..

Now I enjoy the fantasy and dont get too emotionally involved until i meet them. It's a win win :-)

xx



Atherton -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/21/2012 7:30:25 AM)

First of all I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. Thank you very much. It is so nice to see so many other reasonable and rational people on here.

I would also like to say to the one person who came on here to call me "psycho" (if they aren't just the so-called Dom in question in disguise) someone who goes on a thread to name call and pathologize a perfect stranger just because she asked her Dom why he goes on Collarme ... strikes me as a complete psychotic themselves. Seriously, that's incredibly trashy and hateful.

I agree with most everyone who took the time to comment here, you have affirmed what I already sensed. I have also privately spoken to several very experienced Doms, who all told me that he acted unreasonably and unfairly toward me, and that what I asked wasn't such a big deal, and that they had even had subs ask them that before. One said he just comes here when bored to chat with other like minded people, and so that's what he told her, and that was that. So this huge mountain of drama created by the guy in question could have been a simple two minute exchange.


C'est la vie!




OsideGirl -> RE: How do I know he's for real / how do I know when we are in the D/s dynamic and when not? (2/21/2012 7:37:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Atherton

I would also like to say to the one person who came on here to call me "psycho" (if they aren't just the so-called Dom in question in disguise) someone who goes on a thread to name call and pathologize a perfect stranger just because she asked her Dom why he goes on Collarme ... strikes me as a complete psychotic themselves. Seriously, that's incredibly trashy and hateful.


Allow me point out, I didn't call you a psycho. I said the behavior of being jealous before you've even met is a little psycho. Second, do you seriously think that someone with 3700 posts is a sock puppet for some guy on the other side? You're just proving my point.





Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625