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Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/25/2004 11:32:44 PM

SolidSX

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I have found that simply finding a Domme looking for an actual relationship is very difficult. It seems to be almost completely heard of that a young (18-30) Domme wants a monogamous relationship with a submissive. It's always the female subs who want relationships. Why is this?

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 1:34:24 AM

Sylverdawn

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I think that is a sweeping generalization...

I do agree however that the average age of a Female Dominant tends to be a bit older.. and for this I think there are many explanations... here are two thoughts I have on this... Women have been traditionally been raised to be uncomfortable in a position of sexual power.. aggressivly sexual woman are seen to be.. whorish at worst.. unladylike at best.. That women often progress through stages in their sexuality, submissiveness is easier for women because it is our traditional place in the PE dynamic. Please don't hear me saying that submissiveness is easier.. just that viewing ones self in that role is easier. Finally... women have been trained to look for relationships in which they are the care giver and in return they are given security..I think the M/s m/f dynamic has to be the epitome of that so for many women is highly attractive.

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 5:13:52 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

I have found that simply finding a Domme looking for an actual relationship is very difficult. It seems to be almost completely heard of that a young (18-30) Domme wants a monogamous relationship with a submissive. It's always the female subs who want relationships. Why is this?

First of all, you can have a committed relationship that is non-monogamous. I had some in my 20s and I'll have some in the future. I think that the biggest mistake I made was assuming in my late 20s that "oh now that I'm older, I'll grow up and become monogamous because my fooling around time is over".

People have differing ideologies about what is the best kind of relationship for them and more often then not, we take our 20s to live out certain things and discover what it is that is good for us. I find it fantastic when people take time to find out who they are before merging into a "unit", ie: a couple.

- LA

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 11:05:08 AM

BeachMystress

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Ok, this may be unpopular.. One of the reasons they may not be looking for relationships is they don't have to.. You have young, powerful women who are enjoying the prime of their life. They are highly sought after. Why should they settle down? Because it is YOUR fantasy to have one of them choose you and cleave only unto you doesn't mean it is the way it should be. You have limited your pool of people in an already tiny realm. I am sure there are one or two young Domme somewhere who are seeking a relationship as you describe. Good luck spending the next 20 years finding them. Oh, and when you do find them, someone probably got there first. And if by some chance they are not yet attached, good luck being the man she seeks. Just because you want her doesn't mean she'll find you an acceptable mate.

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 3:20:16 PM

Suleiman

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In addition to the many excellent points made so far (especially beach mystress, with whom I heartily agree), I would point out the "wannamate" syndrome that occurs with some frequency among subs. There are those in the vanilla world who desperately want a committed, monogamous relationship, and have been hurt by the viscissitudes of real life and romance. Some discover this thing called "submission", and the fantasy role of a dominant fits very closely with their romantic ideals for a life partner. Having failed to find such a partner in the vanilla world, the person decides that perhaps they are actually submissive, and rather than looking for a husband or wife, they need to find a dominant. All they have to do is agree to a little kinky sex now and again, and perhaps they'll find the person of their dreams.

Actually, it some times works. A friend of mine, a few years ago, advertised that he was looking for a submissive, to keep on the side because his current lover was not particularly fond of leather games. The young lady he found was not much of a submissive, but had been raised in a very traditional strict patriarchal household and was trying to emulate those conditions. Eventually, they got married and are currently together. His toys lie dusty and unused, however, so there is some speculation among his friends that perhaps this marriage was not meant to last, but it is a working example of the sort of phenominon I'm describing.

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 3:54:45 PM

BeachMystress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Suleiman

Having failed to find such a partner in the vanilla world, the person decides that perhaps they are actually submissive, and rather than looking for a husband or wife, they need to find a dominant. All they have to do is agree to a little kinky sex now and again, and perhaps they'll find the person of their dreams.

That actually fits with what a few local Dom have told me. Once they settle in with their sub, (live in/marriage) things change. I realize the whole thing of real life vs short time and that no one can be realistically in character 24/7, but this is more of the "the best cure for horniness is wedding cake" type thing.

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 9:22:50 PM

Sylverdawn

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I agree with you both... here in lay a multitude of conversations I have had. With the onset of bdsm activity, attitude and conventions becoming more integrated into mainstream culture.. i.e. SIMS dominatrix. bdsm commercialism.. Neiman Marcus and the infamous shoe catalogue that had to be pulled because of the overtones of bdsm and fetish is but one example. We have people who fall into several categories.. the fashionistas of Fetish. .they want to dress up in leather.. they tend toward corsets and anything with rubber accoutrements.. The wallflower.. all she/he wants in a mate to serve and love and never leave them.. they will do anything say anything to get the security they need... then they get the collar/wedding ring and life becomes boringly vanilla, kiddies, car pools, and Saturday night at the dungeon becomes Wednesday night after the kiddies are asleep fifteen minutes of bondage before lights out. The weekend warriors.. they come with the fake tans, the fake partners, the fake hair, tits and generally ride motorcycles from Asia with names like Roadking.

As a lifestyle choice... this has traditionally been a difficult road to travel.. difficult to find and often difficult choices to make... it becomes increasingly bogged down by having to deal with all the influx of visibility. I said in one previous post... the great thing about the openness of lifestyle activities today is that it encourages all these wonderful people to become active and the worst thing about the openness of the lifestyle today is it encourages all these eejits to become active. I don't have any answers for it but I do feel the frustration levels that people have.

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 10/26/2004 9:25:19 PM >

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/26/2004 10:19:06 PM

LadySonelle

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Speaking as an older Domme (I am 52) I can look at it from both sides, young and old. When I entered the BDSM world, I was 29. I'd been doing it for three or four years previously, but as strictly an amateur, and when I "came out" and joined the Society of Janus, *WHAM* I was *engulfed* with a veritible tidal wave of submissive men all clamouring for My attentions!

To be quite honest, I was raised in a strict home and was completely taken aback by the attention and the sheer unrelenting *intensity* of the men! Since I was new to the field, I did six months or more internship as a submissive before becoming a Domme in order to find out what it was like. even as a sub, I was approached by submissive men.

I think that younger Dommes are still in this situation. If they are anything like I was at that age, they are not quite used to the attentions yet and they are holding back a bit to wait until the tide slackens.

AFAIK, the *only* area where the Dommes actually outnumber the subs is in Financial Slavery, where it would seem there are probably fifty to a hundred Dommes to every money-slave!

There are many threads on here about how to attract the attentions of Dominant women. Keep trying, I'm certain your perfect Domme is out there! But be warned... She just might *not* be 18 to 30! Broaden your sights a bit and see what you've been missing. It takes *years* to learn to be a competant, safe, responsible Top and too often nowadays, the younger ones seem to spring up webpages like mushrooms after a rain1

Lady Sonelle
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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/27/2004 5:15:04 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

One of the reasons they may not be looking for relationships is they don't have to.. You have young, powerful women who are enjoying the prime of their life. They are highly sought after. Why should they settle down? Because it is YOUR fantasy to have one of them choose you and cleave only unto you doesn't mean it is the way it should be.

I agree 100%.

- LA

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/28/2004 4:07:38 PM

MistresKatamaura

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I just got out of my 20's a few years ago. I had pleanty of submissive men who were NOT in the age group I wanted hitting on me. I like men around my own age. I am in my mid 30's now. Still have the same problem. Perhaps you should look at what kind of person that you are. Do you come off like you are emotionally unavaible to the dominant? Do you put BDSM on the table before you really know her? Do you ask professional dominants? Do you hit on her friends? These are questions that you have to ask yourself. A dominant can tell if you are avaible or unavaible quickly by what you do and say.

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/29/2004 7:52:06 AM

sarbonn

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I stopped looking for a partner some years ago and decided to focus on bettering myself instead. It's part of the reason I went back to school and got into better physical shape. Now, I'm finishing off my Ph.D., and I feel better than I've ever felt before.

Historically, I was always a long term, lifestyle submissive. I rarely played games with women to pretend to be something I was not. And some times I was successful; other times, it was really frustrating because not everyone you partner up with is always as sincere as you attempt to be.

Now, I look at it from a different angle. I know I'm a decent catch because I'm extremely intelligent, haven't destroyed too many camera lenses in the picture taking process, have an excellent sense of humor, and I will be economically better off than I ever imagined I would be. The way I figure it: if I'm going to find someone, it's going to happen naturally, and I've stopped worrying about looking for anyone. I may NEVER find anyone, and only recently have I become comfortable with that, realizing that as long as I have my doctorate, my writing career and continue to maintain friendships, I really don't care anymore.

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RE: Don't any young Dommes want relationships? - 10/30/2004 1:39:11 PM

MistresKatamaura

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How about looking at it this way...Am I in any way emotionally unavaible? There are some good books that you can read to determine that. Some people thought that about me. Never asked me about it...Just assumed...If you want a relationship with someone. Go out and meet them in person then ask questions, questions and more questions.

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