Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissive...

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissive...

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissive...

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissive... - 2/20/2012 8:54:30 PM

PerfectlyFlawed8

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/26/2011
Status: offline

So I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost a year now. I know I should have done this sooner, but I always chickened out. I feel like I need to tell him about this part of me, that I am submissive. I just don't know how. I don't want to freak him out. The added kicker is that he is deployed out of the country because of the military. That makes it even more complicated in how to tell him. Please, anyone, I need advice. I am begging here.

Thank you,
Flawed

Post #: 1

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/20/2012 9:00:17 PM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

My opinion: You've waited a year to tell him. How about waiting until he gets home so you can do it in a place that's less stressful for him, and probably more private if you're going to try to do it by Skype. It's not just about you.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to PerfectlyFlawed8)

Post #: 2

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/20/2012 9:00:53 PM

SoftBonds

Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline

First off, this isn't something to spring on him while he's deployed. Properly done, it could be a nice surprise when he gets home.
I suggest starting with hints or playtime. One thought, give him a coupon for "24 hours of I won't say no." He will get a big kick out of it, and probably take you to a strip club or get oral from you or something, you will get a submissive time without getting too serious about it.
Then you mention casually to him when the 24 hours are up that you really enjoyed him being in charge. You got a thrill out of having to do anything he told you to do. Make it about him a little bit, guys love having their ego's stroked almost as much as we love having our ahem stroked.
Ask him if he'd like to repeat the experience of you being in his power. Play games, let the time frames get longer, and you can spring it on him later as a logical consequence of your games.
Just a thought...

(in reply to PerfectlyFlawed8)

Post #: 3

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/20/2012 9:18:12 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

I'll take a little bit of DomMeinCts' response and mix it in with SoftBonds and give you:
"You've waited a year to tell him. How about waiting until he gets home and then you
can give him a coupon for "24 hours of I won't say no."

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 4

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/20/2012 9:37:07 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

I dont understand what your point is. If you tell him, thats going to do what?

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to PerfectlyFlawed8)

Post #: 5

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 5:03:05 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

"You've waited a year to tell him. How about waiting until he gets home and then you can give him a coupon for "24 hours of I won't say no."

poise FTW!

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 6

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 7:50:07 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

I'll take a little bit of DomMeinCts' response and mix it in with SoftBonds and give you:
"You've waited a year to tell him. How about waiting until he gets home and then you
can give him a coupon for "24 hours of I won't say no."

This! There's a good book, "When someone you love is kinky" that may be of help. But, I'm with everyone else...wait until he's home. He's got enough to worry about right now.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 7

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 8:48:27 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
I'll take a little bit of DomMeinCts' response and mix it in with SoftBonds and give you:
"You've waited a year to tell him. How about waiting until he gets home and then you
can give him a coupon for "24 hours of I won't say no."

Winner!

Now, let me add something else. In your own words, you have never had a dom. You have never been owned. You have never been on a D/s relationship. In other words, you are not submissive. Or, at least, you don't know that. You have fantasies about submitting and you'd like to explore them with this guy you love. I point this out not in any way to disparage you. Quite the contrary. I think that the actual you is a valuable thing. And i think the opportunity to jointly explore something together with someone you love is not something to be passed up lightly. Finally, I think that boxing yourself in right now is pointless.

I do have a question for you. What do you mean when you say that you are submissive? What do you envision the perfect relationship to be like? Can you paint the picture of your role in it? It's not so important that you paint it for us. But it IS very important that you paint it for him. Honestly, the word "submissive" means so many things to so many people that in truth it means nothing without clarification.

One more question. Have you given any thought to what it means if you explore this fantasy and it turns out that you don't like it as much in real life as you do in fantasy? Again, I'm not trying to be a jack ass here. But honestly, that does happen quite a lot. An awful lot of fantasies don't hold up so well in the clear light of day. That's another answer that would be really good to have for him when you two broach this.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 8

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 9:37:54 AM

hellionsLight

Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline

Why not send an email or something of that sort explaining everything? How about writing up a fun scene that you've fantasied about?

I think emailing is easier than telling face to face XD

_____________________________

Lights

http://anewslave.blogspot.com

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 9

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 11:20:35 AM

81song

Posts: 293
Joined: 1/22/2005
Status: offline

My two cents is one should tell your mate as soon as possible. In my case my long distance lover and my best friend is not into D/s at all. I have told her the way I am early on in our relationship. Even after some time she did not even want to go to a munch, no matter now I told her what it was. But I told her this is the way I am even if I would never be with a Domme for the rest of my life. But my point here is tell someone as early as possible and be as honest and upfront as you can. Hope this helps

(in reply to hellionsLight)

Post #: 10

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 11:27:04 AM

jennileigh8182

Posts: 173
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hellionsLight

Why not send an email or something of that sort explaining everything? How about writing up a fun scene that you've fantasied about?

I think emailing is easier than telling face to face XD

I would alter this to lean toward the response from poise.

Suggest sending sexy emails, fantasy scenarios, to stay connected while he's away...mix some D/s in there, see how he reacts, and you can see what his fantasies and kinks might be.

Then, when he gets home....do the coupon thing.

I wouldn't tell him while he's deployed. As mentioned, he has enough to worry about. Also, he might feel blind-sided and wonder if that means you're looking for a dominant behind his back. Approach it as a couple, approach it as mutual enjoyment, something to explore together, not some big dark secret.

The real question is....how will you respond if it's not his thing? Be aware of how much you need it in your life to be satisfied. Don't bring that up to him, but it will help you decide how much to encourage it.

(in reply to hellionsLight)

Post #: 11

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 4:54:14 PM

AnEquinox

Posts: 23
Joined: 9/26/2010
Status: offline

I would suggest your frame it as a good thing: I want to do anything you want. I get off on pleasing you. He just hit the jackpot--don't frame it like it is cancer. (But I think the 24 hour coupon as a welcome home present is a great idea!)

(in reply to jennileigh8182)

Post #: 12

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 6:47:12 PM

MyMonstersRobin

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/28/2012
Status: offline

Let's be completley honest. The first 24-48 hours all he is going to want to do when he gets home is you. So the coupon is a great idea. It will relieve his pent up stress, help you with your submissive needs, and be a great way to break the ice into what needs to be said. You might try prompting him in the bedroom with "what would you like me to do?" Or calling him "Sir" if he gets a thrill out of being addressesed as if he is still on duty.
Just a thought. Best of luck, and write to him often while he is away. He will appreciate that too.

(in reply to AnEquinox)

Post #: 13

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/21/2012 7:24:37 PM

CarolBC

Posts: 18
Joined: 2/19/2012
Status: offline

I think this "need" you have to tell him you're submissive needs a little introspection by you. Why do you feel the sudden 'need' to tell him? If you could sit him down right now in the chair next to you, what would you like to say to him?...what would you like him to know? (In your own head, one sentence should do it.) It seems to me that telling him you're a "this" or a "that" won't clarify anything -- providing that what you want to do is clarify something. This is where I think the unflinching introspection comes in - what is it you want to accomplish? I mean... it could be that your relationship has been slightly stilted or 'off' in some ways, and telling him your desires would help the relationship. Or...it could be that you might feel a little more worldly, a little smarter, a little hotter, by being more knowledgeable of a kinky lifestyle than he is. Take a hard look at why you want to bring this up. Is your goal to bring the two of you closer? do you want to test his kink-o-meter? If he finds it problematic, how will you feel, and how would you like to react?

I guess if I were in your shoes, rather than plunking down a bomb of a statement like, "Oh, I need to mention that I'm a BDSMer and I hope one day to be a slave"... [goofy exaggeration mine], I might start conversations about fantasies. Have him hear a scenario you'd like and see what he has to say. Seems to me any guy deployed far away would have a fine time with those conversations, and you both would get to know each other in a more intimate way. If your fantasies/hopes/desires squick him out, you'd have a lot more information about his issues than a scholarly discussion on his opinion of submission. Also, I'm big on describing concepts by describing an experience. I could say "I'm submissive" and it means about as much as saying, "my personality type is brunette." Everybody has a slightly (or hugely) different definition of submissive, and I think talking over a specific scenario keeps everybody on the same page.

I have a rule of thumb when I go shopping for clothes, and it sort of works in relationships, too. If I have a vision of the perfect blouse - 3/4 length sleeves, off-white, princess seams... I'll never find it. If I go shopping for a nice blouse, I'll find lots of them. See what you've got in this guy, rather than trying to fit him into your perfect Dom clothes. He's going to have to be open to your new ideas; do the same for him, and use care to not jump to conclusions too fast. Good luck to you!

Carol

_____________________________

I prefer to defer.

Married to JeffBC...but don't assume we think the same. Actually, you should assume we really DON'T think the same.

(in reply to PerfectlyFlawed8)

Post #: 14

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/22/2012 8:14:58 PM

PerfectlyFlawed8

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/26/2011
Status: offline

Thank you all of you for the advice. You have given me a lot to think about. Best wishes.

(in reply to CarolBC)

Post #: 15

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/23/2012 9:43:05 PM

Servile99

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/29/2012
Status: offline

Mines a M/M relationship. After some good sex, I was a little tipsy from wine...... So I told him EVERYTHING, which is pretty much everything we select out of those boxes when we sign up on this site. I want to be a straight up slave and beat me when I dont listen, and the whole nine yards. I could tell he was a little suprised. But our sex DID become more aggressive. DUring intercourse he makes me call him master, smacks my ass with his belt...... He talks dirty making me say how pathetic I am fo being a slave.... Its HOT and all, but I dont think he fully embrassed it. My fav. part is getting spanked repeatedly while being fucked.

(in reply to PerfectlyFlawed8)

Post #: 16

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/24/2012 7:21:28 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

quote:

Suggest sending sexy emails, fantasy scenarios, to stay connected while he's away...mix some D/s in there, see how he reacts, and you can see what his fantasies and kinks might be.

Now maybe this is just me, but I don't get the appeal of tip-toeing around broken glass. I really, really don't. Virtually all of the suggestions posed so far suggest that the OP play a few mind games and gauge the bf's reaction, to see if revealing the truth won't offend his potentially delicate sensibilities. Is this how most relationships really work? I mean, really?

I introduced my previously, 100% vanilla boyfriend to the wonderful world of BDSM, and for us it wasn't this earth shattering moment. I didn't spend months in advance, planning the perfect way to reveal my freakish nature to him. It came out in little chunks, when the time seemed right, and when it became relevant to do so. A few months into the relationship, we were discussing what we planned to do once college was out of the way, and I mentioned that I wanted a family in which the man was the head of the household. As our relationship got more serious, I began to pay for more and more of the dates. I also offered him massages and other treats out of affection. The first time we visited a porn shop together, I picked out a pair of handcuffs.

Part of progressing into a relationship entails letting more and more of your self out of its shell. And the more comfortable you are with someone, the more the "real" you comes out. My boyfriend understood that I was submissive in nature, and even a little kinky, before I ever introduced him to my porn collection. That's just how dating works; Each party lets a bit more out each day, so that the other can determine if compatibility is maintained on all levels as they become explored: First mutual interests, then sense of humor, then sex a little down the road...

Was I afraid of rejection sometimes? Yeah, but I'd rather be rejected by someone I was incompatible with then intentionally hide my true nature, only to stick around with a man I could never be happy with. I'll agree that this is a discussion best left for when the bf comes home, but why this elaborate set up? The next time you want top give him a damn massage, just give him the damn massage. And if you want to tell him about your deep submissive desires, then just do it. And if you don't feel safe or comfortable enough to do so, it is probably because you two are not close enough for that level of intimacy. When you are, it'll be easy.

(in reply to Servile99)

Post #: 17

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/24/2012 9:57:27 PM

leatherlaceglove

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline

I so agree with you!! Make it a game.......see how he reacts.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoftBonds

First off, this isn't something to spring on him while he's deployed. Properly done, it could be a nice surprise when he gets home.
I suggest starting with hints or playtime. One thought, give him a coupon for "24 hours of I won't say no." He will get a big kick out of it, and probably take you to a strip club or get oral from you or something, you will get a submissive time without getting too serious about it.
Then you mention casually to him when the 24 hours are up that you really enjoyed him being in charge. You got a thrill out of having to do anything he told you to do. Make it about him a little bit, guys love having their ego's stroked almost as much as we love having our ahem stroked.
Ask him if he'd like to repeat the experience of you being in his power. Play games, let the time frames get longer, and you can spring it on him later as a logical consequence of your games.
Just a thought...

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 18

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/24/2012 11:13:23 PM

SLRN158782985

Posts: 41
Status: offline

I dont think there is anyone in the military who does not have some sort of reationship anxiety while deployed (I always thought it was better to be single while deployed: it keeps your mind on the job). I would just be there for him emotionally when (if) he gets a chance to write or call. I found it somewhat distracting to get news from home that something was changing or different (no matter how much for the good) simply because you can not experience it first hand.

< Message edited by SLRN158782985 -- 2/24/2012 11:14:12 PM >

_____________________________

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the
truth has a chance to get its pants on."
Winston Churchill

(in reply to leatherlaceglove)

Post #: 19

RE: Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissiv... - 2/25/2012 1:59:09 AM

MrBlue76

Posts: 82
Status: offline

I would run away from any "too serious" approach. The coupon idea is great, in my opinion.
In general I find horrible the idea of "we have to talk, I've hidden something about me that you have to know".
It's much better "No... I won't go inside that bedroom with you, because you'll tie me up and rape me.... ¡¿No?! Awww...."

_____________________________

I'm not a native english speaker. So, if I'm writing very stupid things, the reason behind it can be:
1.- That I'm having problems with the language, and translation
2.- That, simply, I'm writing very stupid things
Give me the benefit of doubt!

(in reply to SLRN158782985)

Post #: 20

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Telling a vanilla boyfriend that you're a submissive...

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.110