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Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 4:40:08 PM

AnEquinox

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I'm facing a bit of a difficulty. My Dom, who is lovely, and is not punishing me for this at all, but I feel like I'm letting him down, wants me to not allow my mind to wander. When we're together, it rarely wanders, but when we aren't, my mind wanders all the time. Last night, I was doing an assignment, when the cat threw up, so I went to clean it up, and then thought about things that had to be done today, and all sorts of little things.

This is the most extreme at the beginning of an assignment, when I'm not yet turned on. I would say that probably 10-20% of the time I'm thinking about laundry or work or whatever for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. (Previously, I would think about other naughty novels I'd read, but he asked me not to, and I've been pretty successful there.)

I have taken a number of Buddhism classes, prior to my involvement with this man, and I could never focus just on my breathing. If I worked really hard, I could focus on whether or not I was focusing on my breathing, but I always had that meta-level.

I don't want to let him down. Right now, he really just wants me to believe I can control this in the future, and I'm having trouble with just that. It seems so simple, and I'm not yet obeying just that little request.

Does anyone have any suggestions? (Aside from meditation--I did it for a good decade and it didn't work for me.)

Thank you!

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 4:45:38 PM

LadyHibiscus

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What are you supposed to be doing instead of thinking random thoughts? Which sound like the running commentary most women have going on in the backgound, actually. If it's a thing where you are not paying attention to HIM, I can see the point, but where's he going with this?

(I fail at meditation too, always have)

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 4:46:31 PM

AnEquinox

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He would like me to focus on a single narrative involving the 2 of us.

I should also add that he is going to try lots of different things for me to focus on and he isn't mad or anything. He just wants me to believe I can change and tell him how I respond differently to each one.

< Message edited by AnEquinox -- 2/21/2012 4:51:27 PM >

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 4:59:51 PM

OsideGirl

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Studies have shown that not only do women naturally multi-task, but they're better at it than men.

So, basically he wants to change what you are on a chromosomal level.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 5:06:44 PM

littlewonder

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So you're just supposed to think about the two of you 24/7?? LOL...good luck with that

My mind is always wandering and thinking of stuff I have to do or whatever even while doing something else. I also have studies, cooking, cleaning, etc....if I was to think of us 24/7 I'd never get anything done!

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 5:07:50 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Studies have shown that not only do women naturally multi-task, but they're better at it than men.

So, basically he wants to change what you are on a chromosomal level.

Yes, that's what I was thinking, OG. I don't mean the attention-span-of-lint "oh shiny!" stuff that really should be redirected, I mean that when I am not actively doing SOMETHING, my mind is tracking away at whatever else needs doing, prioritizing some list or other, banging off some other idea, running to make a note of it... and I don't know a single woman who is different from that.

We have a lot to do, and a lot to organize. It doesn't mean we can't focus. (unless you are ADD, of course).

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 5:10:36 PM

fucktoyprincess

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AnEquinox, forgive me, but I'm not totally following your description. Was he upset that you stopped what you were doing to look after the cat and to clean up the cat's mess, or that then you were so distracted that you did not come back to whatever you were doing before the cat threw up?

I am asking for clarification, because it seems to me that if the cat has thrown up, the cat requires attention. Paying attention to their task while the cat is throwing up doesn't seem right to me. But if the issue was that then you were unable to come back to the task at hand and focus, that is something else.

Everyone's brain functions differently. Many very creative people have brains that are not able to focus on one thing at a time (in their mind), but obviously are still capable of completing a task they have been given. So I'm having difficulty understanding exactly what the issue is, and what your Dominant is trying to achieve. Is the issue that you are not able to complete tasks because you get distracted, and then never get back to the task at hand?

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 6:07:47 PM

AnEquinox

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I wasn't clear.

He has no problem with me taking care of the cat. He doesn't want me thinking about him 24/7. He gives me an assignment each night (because we are far apart for a month or two) and during that assignment, he would like me to focus only on that assignment. If the cat throws up, he would like me to take care of the cat, and then come back and finish my assignment, focusing on him. (They aren't hard assignments--mostly he likes me to have an orgasm). I do finish my task, but in the beginning, my mind wanders around a lot.

He is totally kind. He is not giving me a hard time about this. But, he would like my mind to wander less and I would like to try.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 6:59:16 PM

fucktoyprincess

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Well, for many people, it is quite normal for the mind to wander, especially at the beginning of something. But if you able to complete the task at hand, I think you have accomplished what you need to do. I'm not sure anyone can get inside another person's head completely, if you know what I mean. What your Dominant may be trying to do, may simply not be possible. I mean, we all do our best to focus in the moment, but everyone's ability to do this varies. And what he considers focus, may not be attainable for you if your brain works differently.

I think both of you should think more in terms of task accomplishment (and perhaps the time it takes to complete) than to think about focus as defined by what was in your head at every given moment of your doing the task. I think you can try to focus your mind more on the task you've been given and on your Dominant, but we don't always control the thoughts that pop into our head.

And meditation is not something you do when you are doing another task. That is completely incompatible with the concept of meditation. The whole point of meditation is that you are focused only on meditating (not on your Dominant or an orgasm, or anything else). So you can't possibly reach a truly meditative state while trying to accomplish some other task. And I would not even attempt to do so.

I am concerned that your brain is wired in a type of way that if you keep trying to do what your Dominant is asking of you, you are both going to get frustrated. And I'm not sure it's necessary if you can still accomplish your tasks within a reasonable period of time with "sufficient" focus, rather than "perfect' focus. I'm not trying to get in the way of his training, but I necessarily think that trying to control someone's mind in this way is not really going to work.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 7:18:51 PM

graceadieu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

And meditation is not something you do when you are doing another task. That is completely incompatible with the concept of meditation. The whole point of meditation is that you are focused only on meditating (not on your Dominant or an orgasm, or anything else). So you can't possibly reach a truly meditative state while trying to accomplish some other task. And I would not even attempt to do so.

I used to be really into Buddhism, and I know at least some of those guys (e.g. Thich Nhat Hanh who I always really liked) do feel that you ought to practice mindfulness during your everyday activities. Not full-on meditation, I guess, but at least trying to be focused in the moment while walking, driving, cooking etc.

Not that I ever had any luck with that myself! I'm waaaay too ADD and mentally chattery for all that.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/21/2012 7:18:58 PM

AnEquinox

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Well, I trust this man like I've trusted no other. Maybe I can make it wander less. He thinks I'd be happier if I left my stress behind when I'm supposed to be enjoying myself. If I try, and it doesn't work, he'll see it and change it. He can read me and push me just far enough. So I'll keep trying and see.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 4:56:21 AM

kalikshama

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I'm not much of a meditator - the only time I can quiet my mind enough to meditate is after practicing yoga. That is, after all, why yoga was developed - to quiet the chattering monkey mind.

You could practice yoga before you start your tasks. Or accept that some wandering is normal otherwise.

ps - When I needed intense focus at work I listened to an instrumental.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 2/22/2012 4:59:41 AM >

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 11:03:18 AM

Kana

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Oooh, I'm a huge meditator. good thing too, cuz otherwise my ADD would send me into outer space.
You say you've tried breathing techniques before...have you done the 8 count?

It goes like this.
Breathe in slow through the nose for an 8 count in smooth even breaths, expanding the diaphragm outwards until ya get that fatboy look.
Then hold for an 8 count...and I mean 1 one thousand, 2 one thousand, 3 one thousand sort of counting.
Then slowly exhale through the nose, letting the diaphragm collapse, for another 8 count, smooth slow exhalation.
Then hold for an 8 count before starting the process over.

If you haven't tried it, give it a shot. I have found it to be great for centering...even for folks with hyper minds like mine. Something in the combination of focusing on the count and the breathing method itself, allow me to lock in like I rarely can when I am not practicing controlled breathing.

Best of all it's a simple meditative tool that can be used anytime, anywhere, needing only bout 10 breathes to change my focus. Heck, try it now, give it a shot while you're reading this. It works. It really does.

Grins.
I use this a lot in heavy play. She has a tendency, as do many subs, to kinda freak out when the real sadism starts, and often starts to flip in her head, hyperventilating in fear. I get her to control her breathing, it slows her heart, allows her to get control of her runaway mind, stills her body, drops her into subspace quicker, and the scenes go much much better.

Chortles. And if all else fails, try heroin. Works wonders for stilling the reptile mind...so I've heard :-)

< Message edited by Kana -- 2/22/2012 11:59:34 AM >

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 11:15:35 AM

kalikshama

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I do nadi shodhana for a few minutes immediately after yoga and before meditation.

Simplification of # 1 - You can skip the mudra - sit comfortably and place left hand on left knee or use left hand to support right elbow if the right arm gets tired.

I inhale for a 4 count, hold for 4, then exhale for 8.

http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/2487

1. Sit in a comfortable asana and make Mrigi Mudra. Beginning pranayama students may have some difficulty holding their raised arm in position for the length of the practice. You can put a bolster across your legs and use it to support your elbow.

2. Gently close your right nostril with your thumb. Inhale through your left nostril, then close it with your ring-little fingers. Open and exhale slowly through the right nostril.

3. Keep the right nostril open, inhale, then close it, and open and exhale slowly through the left. This is one cycle. Repeat 3 to 5 times, then release the hand mudra and go back to normal breathing.

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Post #: 14

RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 11:17:12 AM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

And meditation is not something you do when you are doing another task. That is completely incompatible with the concept of meditation. The whole point of meditation is that you are focused only on meditating (not on your Dominant or an orgasm, or anything else). So you can't possibly reach a truly meditative state while trying to accomplish some other task. And I would not even attempt to do so.

I used to be really into Buddhism, and I know at least some of those guys (e.g. Thich Nhat Hanh who I always really liked) do feel that you ought to practice mindfulness during your everyday activities. Not full-on meditation, I guess, but at least trying to be focused in the moment while walking, driving, cooking etc.

Not that I ever had any luck with that myself! I'm waaaay too ADD and mentally chattery for all that.

Yes. The goal of meditation is partly to improve one's ability to be in the moment at other times. But a fully meditative state is not the same as being in the moment while doing other things. I hope that makes sense. By definition you can't clear your head of everything if you are in the middle of doing some task. Even if we're having sex, and very focused on having sex (or very focused on our partner), our mind is in a thoughtful active phase. That's not meditative. And when I'm skiing, I'm quite in the moment, but I'm focused very much on how to get down the mountain, not focused on emptying my mind (which I actually think would be dangerous to even try to do in a situation like that).

So I get the notion of the Dominant wanting her to be in the moment, but that is not the same as actually being able to clear everything else out of one's head.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 11:22:21 AM

fucktoyprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AnEquinox

Well, I trust this man like I've trusted no other. Maybe I can make it wander less. He thinks I'd be happier if I left my stress behind when I'm supposed to be enjoying myself. If I try, and it doesn't work, he'll see it and change it. He can read me and push me just far enough. So I'll keep trying and see.

Ah, if this is the issue, I'm with those who have suggested the breathing techniques, but also to look into some stress management techniques for yourself. Personally, I find exercise helps a lot. Taking time out of my day to reflect helps me, too. I have friends who are able to download their stress onto a talisman (like a shell that they picked up on the beach). They start their day by "downloading" their anxieties onto the shell. Leaving them there, so to speak. My mother's coping mechanism for anxiety and stress is religion. But I really think techniques are quite personal to us, and that what works for one may not work for another. Stress kills. So there are many reasons why you would want to learn to control your stress - and I think that would be a very positive thing for you to do.

In other words, managing stress is not actually the same as trying to focus. I think you will get better focus and concentration by managing your stress, but simply trying to stay focused in and of itself is not likely to get you there. I hope that makes sense.

< Message edited by fucktoyprincess -- 2/22/2012 11:24:30 AM >

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 12:14:35 PM

ProlificNeeds

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OP:

Minds wander.
Ask yourself first, do you have trouble focusing on other tasks through the day? IE taks s at work, or things to be done around the home? Are you perfectly fine being able to focus on tasks besides the ones he gives you? If so then the problem is not with you, it may just be that the tasks he gives are not very interesting to you and it takes you awhile to warm up to them. He can;t control what goes on in your head, he should set more realistic goals, IE, "Have task done in X amount of time" Or, "Do not leave desk until task is done, save for obvious exceptions like cleaning cat puke."

Your mind is made to multi-task, if you try to destroy that brilliant function you will frustrate yourself, and more than likely end up failing, which will make you feel bad, when really it's just stupid to set such an unrealistic expectation. He should be setting a more measurable goal for your tasking, not vague ones that can neither be measured nor definitively accomplished.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 12:26:04 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AnEquinox

I'm facing a bit of a difficulty. My Dom, who is lovely, and is not punishing me for this at all, but I feel like I'm letting him down, wants me to not allow my mind to wander. When we're together, it rarely wanders, but when we aren't, my mind wanders all the time. Last night, I was doing an assignment, when the cat threw up, so I went to clean it up, and then thought about things that had to be done today, and all sorts of little things.

This is the most extreme at the beginning of an assignment, when I'm not yet turned on. I would say that probably 10-20% of the time I'm thinking about laundry or work or whatever for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. (Previously, I would think about other naughty novels I'd read, but he asked me not to, and I've been pretty successful there.)

I have taken a number of Buddhism classes, prior to my involvement with this man, and I could never focus just on my breathing. If I worked really hard, I could focus on whether or not I was focusing on my breathing, but I always had that meta-level.

I don't want to let him down. Right now, he really just wants me to believe I can control this in the future, and I'm having trouble with just that. It seems so simple, and I'm not yet obeying just that little request.

Does anyone have any suggestions? (Aside from meditation--I did it for a good decade and it didn't work for me.)

Thank you!

Ask your master if he will write his name on a slightly thick rubber band and then send it to you. Wear his band your wrist and when your mind starts to wander, snap the rubber band.

_____________________________

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 12:50:47 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

I am concerned that your brain is wired in a type of way that if you keep trying to do what your Dominant is asking of you, you are both going to get frustrated. And I'm not sure it's necessary if you can still accomplish your tasks within a reasonable period of time with "sufficient" focus, rather than "perfect' focus. I'm not trying to get in the way of his training, but I necessarily think that trying to control someone's mind in this way is not really going to work.

Your master is trying to get you to do something that you brain simply may not be wired to do.

I hate to sound flippant, but I think the answer to this one is pretty simple.

Master: Is your mind wandering?

You: No.

Pretty simple, isn't it. Even if you're actually thinking about 12 other things simultaneously, he doesn't have to know that. After all, unless he has some type of mutant mind-reading powers, how will he know?

Avoid unnecessary frustration, and just tell him what he wants to hear. So long as you accomplish the task that he's assigned, that should be good enough. IMO, he's gravely mistaken if he thinks that he can change the way that your brain operates.

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RE: Chattering monkey mind - 2/22/2012 12:52:29 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

Your master is trying to get you to do something that your brain simply may not be wired to do.

That was my thought too.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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