Employee Rules and Regulations 2006 (Full Version)

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OhBeMyMind -> Employee Rules and Regulations 2006 (6/2/2006 1:43:19 PM)

Employee Rules and Regulations 2006
Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.


Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday and Sunday.


Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy!


Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management.



MasterMoody -> RE: Employee Rules and Regulations 2006 (6/2/2006 1:49:05 PM)

nice where do you get all of that funny stoff [:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]



quietstorm1109 -> RE: Employee Rules and Regulations 2006 (6/4/2006 12:48:06 AM)

Hey...I work there!!!!!



ADomDoc -> The Work Poop (6/4/2006 5:02:32 PM)

The Work Poop

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those of you who hate pooping at work, I give you the ...

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and comeback again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.




ADomDoc -> Things You Wish You Could Say At Work (6/4/2006 5:05:02 PM)

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone who cares.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

25. And your crybaby whiney-butt opinion would be...?

26. Do I look like a people person?

27. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

28. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

29. You! ... Off my planet!

30. Does your train of thought have a caboose!?

31. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

32. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

33. Allow me to introduce my selves.

34. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

35. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

36. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

37. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

38. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

39. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't been asleep yet.

40. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

41. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

43. Chaos, panic & disorder -- my work here is done.

44. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

45. I thought I wanted a career; turns out, I just wanted the paycheck.




ADomDoc -> Bad Resumes (6/4/2006 5:06:50 PM)

I got them resume blues

Most of us have gone job hunting at one time or another and have put
together a resume. A good resume tells the prospective employer something
about us. A bad resume does the same thing, only it's probably not quite
the message we want to send. The good folks at Fortune Magazine snipped
some bits from resumes and cover letters that weren't quite up to snuff.
--------------------------------------------------------------

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
    commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to
    my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and  
    absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
    meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
19. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
    never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
    work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my 3 previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

--------------------------------------------------------------

Kmal and Mary passed this story along: A friend was preparing her cv. Having written it up she got her boyfriend, a graphic designer, to format it for her. He became bored during the process and substituted "cussin', spittin', fartin" for her interests which were along the lines of "sailing, reading, tennis." He forgot to change it back. She didn't notice and sent it out like that to a number of law firms and the supreme court. She did get a job in the end.

This page was last updated January 20, 1998.



ADomDoc -> New Medical Leave Policy (6/4/2006 5:08:31 PM)

We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is
ahead  enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two
weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so  on. If
you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees
may swap their time with a co-worker. This exchange must be approved by
both employee's supervisors.

PAYCHEQUE GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paycheques:

Gross pay.......$1222.02
Income Tax....   -244.40
Outcome Tax.....  -45.21
State Tax........ -11.61
Interstate Tax... -61.10
County Tax........ -6.11
City Tax......... -12.22
Rural Tax......... -4.44
Back Tax.......... -1.11
Front Tax......... -1.16
Side Tax.......... -1.61
Up Tax............ -2.22
Down Tax.......... -1.11
Tic-Tacs.......... -1.98
Thumbtacks........ -3.93
Carpet Tacks...... -0.98
Stadium Tax....... -0.69
Flat Tax.......... -8.32
Surtax............ -3.46
Ma'am Tax......... -2.60
Parking Fee....... -5.00
No Pkg Fine...... -10.00
F.I.C.A. ........ -81.88
T.G.I.F.Fund...... -9.95
Life Ins. ........ -5.85
Health Ins. ..... -16.23
Disability........ -2.50
Ability........... -0.25
Liability Ins. ... -3.41
Dental Ins. ...... -4.50
Mental Ins. ...... -4.33
Reassurance....... -0.11
Coffee............ -6.85
Coffee Cups...... -66.51
Calendar.......... -3.06
Floor Rental..... -16.85
Chair Rental...... -0.32
Desk Rental....... -4.32
Union Dues........ -5.85
Union Don'ts...... -3.77
Cash Advances..... -0.69
Cash Retreats... -121.35
Overtime.......... -1.26
Undertime........ -54.83
Eastern Time...... -9.00
Central Time...... -8.00
Mnt Time.......... -7.00
Pacific Time...... -6.00
Bath Time.........- 4.44
Time Out.........- 12.21
Oxygen...........- 10.02
Water............- 16.54
Heat.............- 51.42
Air..............- 46.83
Misc. .......... -144.38
Take Home Pay = $0000.02

Now, why don't you contribute back to your employer and put in your own
$0.02?




ADomDoc -> WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... (6/4/2006 5:11:55 PM)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.




ADomDoc -> Give it 103% (6/4/2006 5:17:13 PM)

Give it 103% ...     

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.     
Here's to achieving 103%!!     
Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??     
IF,  A B C D E F G H I  J   K   L  M  N  O   P  Q  R   S  T   U  V   W  X  Y   Z
      1 2  3  4 5  6 7  8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22  23 24  25 26   

Then,     H A  R  D  W  O  R   K     
             8  1 18  4  23 15 18  11 = 98% Only     

         K  N  O  W  L  E  D G E     
         11 14 15 23 12 5  4  7  5 = 96% Only     

But,      A T   T   I  T   U  D E     
           1  20 20 9  20 21 4 5 = 100%     

However,  B  U   L   L   S  H  I  T     
                2  21 12  12 19 8  9  20 = 103%



Craftsman -> RE: Give it 103% (6/4/2006 10:25:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ADomDoc

Give it 103% ...     

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.     
Here's to achieving 103%!!     
Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??     
IF,  A   B   C   D   E   F   G   H   I    J    K    L   M    N    O    P     Q    R    S   T    U   V    W   X   Y    Z
      1   2    3    4   5    6   7    8   9  10  11   12  13   14   15  16    17   18  19  20  21  22   23  24   25  26   

Then,     H A  R  D  W  O  R   K     
            8  1 18  4  23 15 18  11 = 98% Only     

        K  N  O  W  L  E  D G E     
        11 14 15 23 12 5  4  7  5 = 96% Only     

But,      A T   T   I  T   U  D E     
          1  20 20 9  20 21 4 5 = 100%     

However,  B  U   L   L   S  H  I  T     
               2  21 12  12 19 8  9  20 = 103%


But also be aware that there is another way to give much, much more:

A    S    S    K    I    S    S    I    N    G     
1    19  19  11   9   19  19  9    14    7  =  127%, which is probably why we see so much of it in the corporate ladder climbing folk.




Wulfchyld -> RE: Give it 103% (6/4/2006 10:34:06 PM)

Funny, a slave only puts 59% in the relationship, but....
 
S    L    A    V    E  
19  12  1   22    5  
         
          59%
 
A Master puts in 99%
 
S    L    A    V    E   R    A   P    E
19  12  1   22    5   18  1   16  5
 
                  99%



ADomDoc -> RE: Give it 127% (6/5/2006 2:50:19 PM)

Thank you ... I have appended to my copy :-)





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