RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to deal with them..

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RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 9:13:30 AM

sub1986katsu

Posts: 35
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Well, I personally try to hide my Kink life away from my vanillia friends. Some I have teased it to while others i dont think have a clue. I just let it be now.. im getting compfy with my kink and my way of life in this lifestyle. I only tell friends that i have become very close with and i try to tell them with questions usually. Thats how i do it.. If something is brought up, ill ask a question of teh situation such as if we were talking about spanking or paddling. i would be like well wouldnt you do it anyways? or i just try rub my way to letting them know im into kink or that fetish in general.... it takes ease and time, you cant just tell anyone that well hi im into kink is that ok? they will over reacte i think. which seems like what has happened with your mom as well as your friend. so if you plan on teling anyone else try to ease into it. if they really love you as a friend, they will understand and not judge ya. :D:D

(in reply to Exidor)

Post #: 21

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 9:56:22 AM

SoftBonds

Posts: 862
Joined: 2/10/2012
Status: offline

My ex wife used to introduce herself to people and then promptly tell them she had been abused by her mother as a child. About one time in ten she would find a kindred soul, the other 9 times out of ten were awkward. Never could get her to realize that she could easily be herself without being "abuse victim." There was a lot more to her than those past events. Eventually I gave up... bad me.
Op, I think a lot of folks are trying to figure out what you mean about being open. There is a continuum there, from "Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm into S&M," when you visit a church, to "I'm sooooo ashamed of myself for being kinky." Be yourself, and if you need to talk about your needs/desires with a friend, you probably already know which friend you can talk honestly to. If not, there are lots of folks on here you can talk to, no strings (including me if you need). But don't introduce yourself to strangers with your sexual practices. Let it come out in time with people you like/trust.
There will be people who react the wrong way. Realize that sometimes it will be shock, not disgust, and that those friends may come back. Or they may feel so bad about their overreactions they avoid you. If so, try to forgive them. Others will preach at you, and show that they are not your friends, and you are better off without them.
Just be YOU. You are the best YOU on the planet, and you need to stop doubting yourself and be true to yourself.

(in reply to sub1986katsu)

Post #: 22

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 9:58:16 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

I can't really tell you what you could say during the moment sit might come up or could come out, because I am a total open book w/ith friends and potential friends, so there's no nasty surprises later, and I do not really believe very much in tmi, but if it came to explaining, lets say why, you're always checking in with a dom before doing something cause you both agree'd to or what eer, or you're not allowed to do x y or x cause he said no and you agreed. if they see that and ask say I am more comfortable with letting my bf lead the relationship, decide those kind of things, like whether it's a good time to go out to the bar tonight or not. for example

It would sort of explain why you're always checking in or what ever. not that you are, but if you had to.

hope that was clear, if not I'll try again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth

damn, i just got a rather insulting email stating that what i'm doing is immoral and that the people in this lifestyle are messed up etc. well i guess the ending of the friendship sorting itself out,
though as this is my friend and it is part of my original post, how would i go about things with future vanilla friends or just keep it quiet?

quote:

need to make myself some better friends but i really hope i dont lose this fr

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Post #: 23

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 10:31:04 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

1-What I do behind closed doors with willing adults is none of anyone's bidness.
2-WTF is anyone to judge anyone else's sex life-we almost all a bunch of freaks that way, the entire human lot of us.
3-Most folks wouldn't be shocked at anything I do...grins...course that's the payoff for spending a life doing wild and crazy crap...nobody is surprised by anything after a while.
4-If they judge you that harshly, they ain't your friend anyhow. Friendship means loving, understanding and compassion, not moral judging

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 24

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 10:38:47 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline

Well, I am firmly in the WTF camp on this issue. Why in the hell is it anyone else's business what your sexual practices are? I would consider a friend that would a) indulge in gossip about me with anyone b) especially in indulge in gossip with my mother, for god's sake and c) then feel the need to judge me based on the wrongly obtained information; to not be a friend at all. As for your mother, well, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Still, what she did was an unbelievable breach of trust, and I think you should let her know that, as well as your sadness about the consequences it has caused.

My mother did something similar to be one time, many years ago, and it still pisses me off when I think about it. My brother sent me a letter complaining about my parents. She took it upon herself to read my mail. Her feelings were terribly hurt, which served her right. She was also angry at me, which I thought (and told her) was pretty psycho, since I was not the author of the comments she was offended by. Sorry your mother is of the same mindset as mine, it is a huge cross to bear. I would certainly not dream of invading my adult kids' privacy in such a manner.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 25

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 10:54:31 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth
how would i go about things with future vanilla friends or just keep it quiet?

Like others have said, I suggest that you keep it quiet. That's how society usually handles people's private sexual affairs anyway. I see almost no reason for anyone (be they vanilla or kinky) to publicize the details of their sexual activities.

I subscribe to Bill Clinton's policy; Don't ask, don't tell!

But since your mom doesn't seem to understand that your sex life is private, why not turn the table on her. Ask her a few of the following questions:

1) Do you ever let dad fuck you up the ass?
2) Does dad have any "special techniques" he uses when he eats your pussy?
3) After __ years of sex with dad, it must be kind of boring. Who do you pretend is making love to you when you have sex with dad?
4) Can you teach me how to deep throat without gagging?
5) Do you swallow when you suck dad's dick?

I think that those questions will make her just as uncomfortable as she makes you when she digs into your private sexual activities. More importantly, it should help her to understand that certain things really are private.

Good luck.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 2/22/2012 10:55:18 AM >

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Post #: 26

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 11:00:15 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom
but if it came to explaining, lets say why, you're always checking in with a dom before doing something cause you both agree'd to or what eer

Why the fuck would I explain that? Again, how our relationship works is no ones business. If one of my friends had the audacity to ask, then I'd simply tell them it's a courtesy.

But, not once has a friend asked why I wait in the car until he opens my door. Or why I ask him if it's okay if I order a drink. Or why I text or call him before I leave where I'm at.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 27

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 11:22:03 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet
As for your mother, well, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

When I lived down south I knew folks who used to say that "God lets you pick your friends cuz the Devil picks your kin."

Good times.

And Roach-too fucking funny. Good stuff.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 28

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 11:36:37 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Like others have said, I suggest that you keep it quiet. That's how society usually handles people's private sexual affairs anyway. I see almost no reason for anyone (be they vanilla or kinky) to publicize the details of their sexual activities.

Except my viewpoint was a bit different. I wasn't thinking of this as a sexual activity necessarily. Here was my train of reasoning...

IF someone is over at my house
AND IF that person is deemed a friend by me
THEN if I want Carol to kneel at my feet she will

Anything different than that and the person in question would be labelled as an acquaintance in my mind. If kneeling is an authentic part of how Carol and I naturally interact then friends are expected to grok that.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 2/22/2012 11:37:15 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 29

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 12:08:12 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

Honestly, your sex life should be no one elses business. Your relationships are more socially open in the general sense, IE friends and family want to meet your boyfriend/partner/whatever, but again indicating you are involved in kink with that person instead of a typical vanilla romance shouldn't be something you have to display to them.

I'd say once the cat's out of the bag don't sweat it, continue to amaze people with your normalacy in everyday life, and when they ask about your sexlife, tell them you'll inform them of your prefere'd ways to fuck the day you become a porn star, and until then, to politely stop being nosey.

If you want to however confess your dark secrets to a best bud, I find it helps to feel them out, are they super conservative? Then perhaps not best to confide such things to them, do they confess to some 'weirdness' in the bedroom too? Then exchanging blackmail stories is usually much safer.

I have only one friend I discuss any BDSM type stuff with, and only in vague context because she is not particularly into it, more curious and open minded than attracted to the topic. She's also the sort to know when topics are fair game to spread, and when certain gossip should be kept quiet.

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Post #: 30

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 12:32:44 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

My ex wife used to introduce herself to people and then promptly tell them she had been abused by her mother as a child. About one time in ten she would find a kindred soul, the other 9 times out of ten were awkward. Never could get her to realize that she could easily be herself without being "abuse victim." There was a lot more to her than those past events. Eventually I gave up... bad me.

Only your ex could free herself from her woundology.

(in reply to SoftBonds)

Post #: 31

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 3:07:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Try comparing it to the other senses.

Does it mean you are mentally sick if you eat five alarm chili?
Or put a lot of wasabi on your sushi?
Sense of taste.

Are you mentally ill if you enjoy kick boxing till your muscles are all wobbly?
Sense of touch

What about watching and listening to a horror film? Does that mean you must be ill?
Hearing and sight.

So why is it okay to enjoy strong sensations in every other sense except the sexual?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 32

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/22/2012 11:55:22 PM

subbyinlosangele

Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline

Personally, I don't share my personal sex life with friends. I don't see it as any of their business. If they found out, I'd just shrug and say, "Different strokes for different folks."

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Post #: 33

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/23/2012 3:19:18 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Some people don't mind explaining when people ask relationship questions. Some do, I wouldn't mind answering my friends questions. I am extremely open and honest and an open book though.

To each their own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Why the fuck would I explain that? Again, how our relationship works is no ones business. If one of my friends had the audacity to ask, then I'd simply tell them it's a courtesy.

But, not once has a friend asked why I wait in the car until he opens my door. Or why I ask him if it's okay if I order a drink. Or why I text or call him before I leave where I'm at.

_____________________________

One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 34

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/23/2012 3:33:41 PM

DaNewAgeViking

Posts: 1009
Joined: 4/29/2004
Status: offline

Keep in mind, everyone, that she was outed by her mother. She wasn't going around hassling people about her lifestyle. Personally, I find a lot to say in favor of the OP - notably how she is polite enough to post thank you notes to contributors, and is wise enough for her years to seek advice and try to contain a problem rather than ranting and accusing. To Hazel, I'll say that you should set your own interests high so that the people you meet will be of good caliber. As a suggestion, look at the SCA and sci fi fandom - they are bright, eccentric, interesting people, and many are either kinky or kink friendly. My best wishes to you.

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 35

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/23/2012 5:20:15 PM

SLRN158782985

Posts: 41
Status: offline

A similar thing happened when my dad found my camera. He told all my friends, his friends and even my boss. I had to look 'em in the eye and very calmly and very coldly tell them that " The only reason this is an issue, is because my sex life was more interesting than theirs".

_____________________________

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the
truth has a chance to get its pants on."
Winston Churchill

(in reply to DaNewAgeViking)

Post #: 36

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/23/2012 6:05:36 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

To OP: I remember trying to explain to a friend that I felt I needed a dominant man. This was very early in my understanding of who I am and what I need. She had a very bad reaction, did not understand (associated dominant with control, domineering, bikers, etc, all the negative media imagery). I was surprised and dismayed. She also labeled my emotional needs as "unevolved" and "regressive". So: I keep the nature of my marriage just between the two of us. An old and dear friend did comment, upon seeing me serving coffee, etc to my husband on Christmas, that she has never seen me do this. However, her comment was without judgement, it was more of an observation. I think, why is it anyone's business, anyhow? do I need anyone's approval to have a D/s relationship that includes some kink? I dont.

(in reply to SLRN158782985)

Post #: 37

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/23/2012 6:25:10 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

Many people in my life know, but they don't know specifics. I am vague, and I have found that to actually be an error on my part. Vagueness resulted in incorrect assumptions as to what I was actually doing.

On the other hand - who cares? So I'm vague. I'm someone that does talk with my girlfriends - and even my mother - about sex and let me tell you, as open-minded as I can be, there has been more than once that one of my "vanilla" friends has made me squirm with discomfort.

It does make me a little uncomfortable that they (my friends) don't quite get it. They refer to what I do as a game. It's not disrespect. They really don't see how it could be real to me. That's okay. It doesn't hurt our friendship any. We're close enough that yeah, we do judge one another. We tell each other what we think and then we continue on with our friendship anyway. I enjoy friends like that. If someone can't disagree with you, tell you like it is, and then still continue to care about you and respect your choice despite their disagreement, then perhaps they really aren't the friend you thought they were.

Kink/BDSM may also be hard to handle for some. They may think it's something it's not, and might not be quite ready for a proper education about it. I would give your friend some time and space. Don't hold a grudge - get in touch when it's his birthday, etc...and still let it be known that your feelings about your friendship haven't changed. (Unless, of course, they have) But don't overwhelm him. Let him do a bit of sorting on his own. Maybe, given some time, he will surprise you in the end.

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Post #: 38

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/23/2012 7:08:58 PM

PrincessDonna11

Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline

I have never felt good about having to explain my "kinky' side. What is that ? I would have a major talk with mom and the friend and let them know that my personality traits are not up for judgement just as you would not put their personal business on blast. They can take that as they choose, accept you for who you are or step off. Friends dont make friends feel small or less then because of their choices. Thats the bottom line. Now if you are living with mom that may make things tougher but never under value who you are or what you choose to believe.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 39

RE: being outed as kinky via vanilla friends and how to... - 2/24/2012 4:17:26 AM

MyHazelLabyrinth

Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline

Wow, i am seriously so amazed by all the responses that i've gotten.

I am really touched by the kindness and wisdom of the people in this thread.

I'm really happy that CM has message boards like this, so that people like me can get help and advice from people that have the experience and knowledge to help others throuh their journey.

Thank you all so much for your honesty! :)

(in reply to PrincessDonna11)

Post #: 40

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