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need help - 2/22/2012 4:02:16 AM   
newsubgirlhk


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/22/2012
Status: offline 		can a dom lose interest in dominating you because he has fallen in love with you and because he has a lot on his mind?
i know its not because he is not happy with me ,i love that he is caring and tender but wish hecould be more dominating .
i dont bring it up cause he has a lot on his mind at the moment and i love him ,and understand
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 4:05:19 AM   
diaperslave101


Posts: 28
Joined: 6/19/2010
Status: offline 		Yes this can happen, it happened to me and destroyed our relationship in the end, as I needed to be dominated and He just wanted to love me, and could no longer exert the control I needed Him to have.

In the end I left, sadly.

(in reply to newsubgirlhk)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 5:01:23 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		First, welcome to collarme!

I've read of Doms that become vanilla after they care for someone and decide they can't Top someone they love. I haven't known of that in my real life acquaintances, though.

"i dont bring it up cause he has a lot on his mind at the moment and i love him ,and understand " - it's fine that you put off a discussion until he's more able to focus on it. But it NEEDS TO BE DONE. He needs to know what's going on in your head.

Good luck, and here's to a happy, kink-filled life!



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to diaperslave101)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 5:40:21 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Recently going to BDSM events has spiced things up for us. In addition to new toys that we are having fun playing with, we're in the mindset.

(in reply to newsubgirlhk)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 7:15:04 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Master is a hard core sadist. After we got married, he didn't want to play because it conflicted with his urge to protect me. (Which has nothing to do with him being dominant, he's always dominant) We sat down and worked it out like adults. The key phrase for us was "Hurting me does not mean you're harming me".

As for the "has a lot on his mind": This is what we call real life vs fantasy. The reality is that sometimes due to work, stress, family, moving....we're just a vanilla couple with a strong head of household. This is reality vs the fantasy. Deal with it or be doomed for every relationship to fail because it won't live up to the cheap fiction D/s novels sold on Amazon.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 7:23:30 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Yes, one can be too busy for whatever it is you think of as "dominating you". Depending on what you mean by "dominating you", I've also heard plenty of people talk about love interfering with it. If he's that busy, good on you for letting it chill for a while. If it gets to the place where your spinning in your chair over it, then you need to say something BEFORE you blow up. It's no gift to him to contain something only to let it fester into pus filled wound. So if you can't truly settle down for a while then speak. Otherwise, let his preoccupation with other things run it's course.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to newsubgirlhk)
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RE: need help - 2/22/2012 10:22:30 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubgirlhk

can a dom lose interest in dominating you because he has fallen in love with you and because he has a lot on his mind?
i know its not because he is not happy with me ,i love that he is caring and tender but wish hecould be more dominating .
i dont bring it up cause he has a lot on his mind at the moment and i love him ,and understand

Grins
Not to be an ass or anything, but if ya understood, ya wouldn't need to ask.
Yes-falling in love can cause loss of sadistic tendencies.
Yes-he can be to busy in real life to be able to 100% focus on you
Yes-a slave should be looking for what she can give and a whole lot less for what she can get, especially when he is undergoing duress.
Just saying....

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to newsubgirlhk)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 11:55:49 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR ~
He may have lots on his mind, and just feel uncreative at the moment. Maybe a nice talk about some dirty fun could help take his mind off stress and help him feel motivated to do nasty things to you again. Putting off 'the talk' isn't really helping the situation, but approaching the topic with a positive light instead of a demanding or disappointed tone can turn a potentially frustrating conversation into a fun one.


< Message edited by ProlificNeeds -- 2/22/2012 11:56:17 AM >

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 1:40:12 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I always find role-play much easier with people I'm not in a deep connection with. When I do connect with emotions and love, that's when the role-play is swept aside and the dominance unleashes itself. He may be in transition but not sure how to make that journey. If its been role-play for him up to falling in love he may be going through stage fright (afraid he won't get things right) and the fear of loss from that may be too much.

All you can do is reassure him and perhaps help his confidence by saying little things like, 'omg do you remember when you did 'this' to me?' or 'said that to me? that was so hot!'
Be prepared to guide him so that he can grow in confidence about dominating the woman he loves. This isn't just up to him but you too. You are a team and it sounds like right now he needs the encouragement.

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 3:15:42 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Can you talk to him about what's on his mind (or have you)? If he's dealing with stuff, that might be a way to help him, if he's the type to open up anyway. Not presented in a "you're not doing what I like" way, but in a genuine "how can I help" way.

Falling in love can complicate sadism/domination for some people, for sure. For others, though, it's not an issue. Anything you can imagine is possible when it comes to people. =p If he's feeling guilty for something, or he's distracted by other things, those have different ways to approach.

You can definitely talk to him about what seems to be going on with him, just do it in a sense of really trying to help him. Is this a new change, or has it been a gradual one over a period of time?

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 3:21:41 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		I dont understand ... does this guy have to make an effort to be dominant? Like is it something he has to think about and put on an act to act dominant? To me thats just play acting.

Now if hes not topping in the bedroom, then thats a whole other story and if he's reverting to vanilla sex, then was he ever really into kink in the first place? I cant even imagine just "sliding" into boring sex because I have a lot on my mind.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to newsubgirlhk)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 3:31:18 PM   
Shack


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, it definitely can happen. It happened to me. Over about four years I became emotionally involved with my primary slave. We continued to have play time but my emotions and desire to protect started getting in the way of his desire to be hurt/have pain inflicted. Our play became reduced to rough play unless we had a third party present to be our "victim" and catalyst. It must have worked. We were together for 34 years. (He passed away in 2010.)

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 3:34:23 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Well lots of kinky couples have vanilla sex from time to time...

(sorry for your loss, Shack. =( i hope you're doing well. i lost my previous M in 2009; even though we don't know each other, if you ever need to yammer, feel free to drop me a line.)



< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 2/22/2012 3:35:23 PM >

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to Shack)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 3:38:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		NM...


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 2/22/2012 3:39:19 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: need help - 2/22/2012 7:23:15 PM   
MasterEdweird223


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/28/2011
Status: offline 		Newsubgirlhk, Of coarse it can happen. But let me see if I can help.
When you started there were things that your master disciplined you for. Hopefully he told you what you were doing wrong and it wasn't just for the sex. If he told you I am possitive you remembered it. Examples: Two of my pet peves were going out and while out my slave wanted to do something I never planned for. The other, was shopping in a grociery store. I know they are funny and can be minor. But they were things that got my goat. My trigger. LOL!
I can't explain it. Driving all day from a get together "munch" and when you get a mile from the house. She bought up. Gotta go do this, or gotta go do that/ Or the grociery store,
Men you know it too. There is no one any crazier then a bunch of women at the grociery store that are going for all the sale items and they get to the cash register and pull out a ton of coupons.
Then they start arguing with one another. Simply doesn't happen with me. When those two days come up we schedule them. LOL! But to your problem. What will trigger a response?
Trust me, I am no different then any master here but I was in 28 year relationship with the same slave/ sub. She new the triggers and quite frankly she used different ones a lot.
But more to your problem, He needs a break from the problems that he faces. Your the only one that knows what he needs. We can only make suggestions, and most of the people here are very wise. Find out which ones you can trust and ask them.
I think it is time to trigger his emotions. But can you handle what may come out of him???? That is my only concern. Good luck!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: need help - 2/23/2012 12:32:04 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		I've never personally encountered this. My Master is dominant to me because he loves me. He has an assertive demeanor and is a natural leader, and thus his way of expressing his love lies in taking charge and taking responsibility for me, being my leader. This easily compliments my way of expression my love for him--submission, surrender, and obedience. Hence, it just works out well for us.

My Master is not a sadist and thus he has never come across any conflicts with his drive to protect and take care of me. I imagine in the case where sadism/masochism is part of your relationship though, you could run into these problems/conflicts. But as OsideGirl said, here is a difference between "hurt" and "harm"--perhaps your dominant needs to learn the distinction? I would suggest talking to him about it, even if you think he has a lot on his plate right now. Putting it off will only raise your discontent and thus possibly take away from your ability to speak rationally about it later because you've kept it pent up so long. It is unfair to him and to you to keep your thoughts from him. He needs to know what you think and how you feel. How else is he supposed to be the one in charge?

But for us to give you any real advice, you need to describe what you mean by "dominating you." Are you someone who requires to be actively controlled, ordered around, or micromanaged often, or even constantly? Are you referring purely to the bedroom aspects of things? The way things work for me, my Master remains in authority at all times but does not need to constantly push it in my (or anyone else he is in charge of) face or be overbearing with it. He gets respect, subservience, and obedience by deserving it and being a man people look up to. Some people don't like this style and need a more "in your face" approach (not that there is anything wrong with this, as long as you're happy with it.) Perhaps this is what you need and he does not realize it? Once again, talk to him about your need and his, and just see where it goes.

(in reply to newsubgirlhk)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: need help - 2/23/2012 6:13:44 AM   
Hellion64


Posts: 14
Joined: 11/20/2011
Status: offline 		I keep my slave around BECAUSE I love her. I (and my slave) are still figuring out what we like, what we don't like, and we talk about it.


(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: need help - 2/24/2012 5:49:57 AM   
newsubgirlhk


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/22/2012
Status: offline 		thanks guys for your advise ,
i know him well and know this is not the time to push ,
he like and proud that i am a strong person and it will be a reflection of it .
its another way i can serve him by being understanding , i know its not something that will last he just dealing with big stuff -life changing matters.
communication is very open between us but i also know there is a right time and place for everything , i dont want him to worry that on top of everything he has to be worry about me.
and trust me sex is never boring with him
thx again
oh and Shack im sooo sorry

(in reply to Hellion64)
Profile   Post #: 18
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