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WestBaySlave -> Relationship Drama-Lama: Enter At Your Peril! (2/22/2012 9:17:25 AM)
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Uh-oh - it's one of those threads. You know, when a poster pours out their current relationship car-wreck and somehow expects a forum full of near-strangers to fit into the role of therapist! [8|] Well, I don't, but I would be curious if some of the long-time members have any thoughts on the situation.
Almost two years ago now I met my fiance online. It seemed very unlikely at the time: he was Egyptian, I was Canadian, and we were both thousands of kilometers apart. For the first few months the sheer distance and difficulty dissuaded us from giving it a shot, but we kept being drawn back together. In September 2010 I visited him, and after much soul-searching, I moved to him mid-January 2011.
As you may well imagine ( especially those who keep track of the news ), the year was quite the adventure, but by New Years this year we were both happy, still deeply in love, had great jobs, and a pretty decent life overall. There were trials - we had to keep a secret life and live as "roommates" in the eyes of everyone but a few gay friends - but we made it through together.
He proposed to me, and I accepted. But, we knew, in the long haul, Egypt would never be a home for us. Suspicion would rise the longer we were together, family pressure to marry a woman and conform to the culture would only grow stronger, and we'd spend our whole lives looking over our shoulder. So, we planned a route where I'd return to Canada, get a job here, and he'd follow me here a few months down the road, when we'd marry and I'd sponsor him into the country.
Well, I'm one week into my return, and somehow, it's all gone wrong. Let me back track a bit.
A couple weeks before I was due to return, he mentioned that he had a deal with a few Saudi and Gulf friends to help introduce them to westerners for a fee. Their English was weak and they often were without western connections. The demand for people with a Caucasian features is very large there, plus there is a ( accurate, I'm sorry to say ) idea that westerners are more likely to be self-accepting in terms of being gay and less tied to family obligations. It seemed an odd sort of work, but if it wasn't prostitution or anything of that kind, just a one-man dating agency.
My first eyebrows starting being raised when my fiance said he didn't want me to be a part of it. I accepted, though it raised a few flags, I reasoned it away with "Well, I only speak a few words in Arabic, I guess I'm not much use" and felt flattered when he said he was jealous of me hanging around men who were seeking out white western guys.
A few days ago, he asked me if he could use a bonus account I still had on one of my old BDSM sites for his Saudi friends. I'd had enough paid accounts in the past they had put me on some sort of free, contact-all-users policy. I rarely used it bar to contact a few old friends, so I said sure, just keep the log-ins the same as some of the friends on there I no longer had emails for. He agreed, and all seemed well.
The next day, I tried to open the account and found myself blocked out. It was very odd for me, I kept on thinking it must be a mistake until I found the email address had been changed, too. Feeling upset and hurt I asked him why, and he refused to answer, just saying that I didn't trust him. Then, on pushing forward, he said that I wouldn't like what I'd see there as he'd been contacting people for his Saudi friends. I was kind of surprised he'd say this, as I knew that's why he wanted to use it; why would I be bothered?
Eventually, he gave me the log-ins. I logged in to find my profile changed into his old profile, advertising with his old pictures and his details. Not a single mention of anyone in Saudi or Gulf regions he was ostensibly looking for.
I'll admit I was angry at this point; I said things I regret, mostly just childish insults which I got back, in turn. After calming down for a couple hours, I told him it would be okay if he would just close down the profile, I'd try to forget I'd even seen it. "Let's just delete everything and start from square one, and try to fix this."
He told me that he couldn't; we needed the money from the Saudi guys too badly. I was baffled by this, as he has a good, upper-middle class job and offered to send what's left of my - admittedly meager - savings to cover whatever debt was troubling him ( as far as I know, the only credit debt we have is my flight home ), but he said I needed it here. I flat out told him that no amount of money was worth having our relationship dissolve over this issue. Then he told me he missed me so much he wanted the money to come to me soon. I told him I'd rather just return to Egypt now if his loneliness was driving him to do stuff like this.
In the end, I gave him an ultimatum: either the profile goes, or give me that engagement ring back ( or at least its meaning ). I gave him a week to think about it.
( For the record, we are monogamous and that is a very hard limit for both of us, always has been - it's part of what brought us together. Also, we're mostly D/s only in the bedroom - that's just how things worked out for us. )
I don't know if it was the right thing to do. I don't know if I was too hard, too easy, too quick, too slow. I've apologized for the heated words I said on seeing his advertisement, but otherwise, I don't know which way is "up"; which is the best route to go.
I have a huge amount of rage in me right now, and I don't know if it's misplaced or not. Part of me is angry at the situation, but it's not even the situation itself, as much as the timing. If this had happened in Egypt, well, I had another life to fall back on. Right now, I'm back in Vancouver, sharing a room, looking for work, and the thing that made me make this move is slipping through my fingers. It makes an already stressful situation worse.
Another part of me is confused - the inevitable ''But I thought I knew him!" reaction. Now I'm wondering how much of what I know is real. Were there ever any Saudi guys seeking dates? I mean I certainly have been hit on by different Arab men; I'm ''in demand'' there, far more than Canada, so the dating agent scenario seemed plausible. Was he really wanting me to leave to start a new life for us both, or was it just an underhanded way to get me to leave, period? I don't know how much is reasonable doubt and how much is paranoia.
Sadness is inevitable, I guess.
I'm open to hearing anyone's comments. Feel free to stab with pointy sticks. I don't mind criticism, I just don't know what's right.
Currently, he's mostly been avoiding me or giving monosyllabic responses online. I phone our old friends and he's been giving them the silent treatment too, which makes me wonder if there's something bigger afoot. I'm not sure if I should reach out to him or, if he keeps on drifting farther away, let him go.
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