RE: How to deal with possible faker? (Full Version)

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MarchHare0289 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 11:50:52 AM)

Out of my own history on the online side of things, there are too many people who get thrills out of duping people into fake relationships online or over texting or other means.

It might be harsh to do, but as the others have said, you are not in a relationship with this person yet. They are more or less the computer that you are reading this message on. There are dozens of methods of quick and easy verification that can be achieved simply and efficiently. To name a few:

A call works perfectly between two phones. It can be quick and simple with no need for long drawn out discussions. Make sure to show the proper etiquette and manners over the phone.
Skype is a free video/voice service free to download. It's used by countless scores of people across the world. There are options for voice and mic, voice only, and mic only.
Almost all messenger systems have the same service described above. I use YIM and have for years.
An email or text photo with a particular item that you name is also a good starter. As mentioned above, the newspaper with the days date shown is perfect.
Many smartphones have free apps that allow for short voice messages to be sent back and forth with no charge.

Those are some of the many ways anybody can use to verify the person they are talking with, and I have used many of them myself.

As for your problem in particular, if this person does turn out to be a guy - do not be ashamed. You are not the first person this has happened to, and will not be the last. There are bad people out there who do this to get their kicks, and it is in no way shape or form your fault. There is nothing wrong with being fooled. But if you are, use caution in the future. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

And even though you are a submissive, there are times when you must draw a line in the dirt and hold it. It is always, always, always your choice to protect the sanctity of your life, and your choice for who you want to give that right to. I expect no less of the people I have topped in the past, and ensure that they are safe, if not comfortable with the life they are in. - What this means for you is, until you are in a trusting relationship with this person, they are not your dom. They are an acquaintance who you are easing yourself into sharing time with. If they cannot or will not provide a fundamental proof as to who they are, my advice is to be courteous and respectful, and to tell them you are not going to proceed or communicate any further until they provide you at least some small evidence that they are indeed who they say they are.

There are tons of wonderful people all over CM and one person who is too stubborn to give that small peace of mind is not worth denying all the other great people here.

Hope this helps you and anyone else having this problem.



xxblushesxx -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 11:59:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: xXLithiumXx

You know that part in the horror movie where the axe wielding maniac is standing behind the tree that the half dressed blonde chick is hiding in front of to stay away from said axe wielding maniac?

And you know that he is about to reach about and not in a good way?

Ahem.

That's what we have here.


Lithium!!!! I've missed you!!!



xxblushesxx -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 12:02:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MarchHare0289

Out of my own history on the online side of things, there are too many people who get thrills out of duping people into fake relationships online or over texting or other means.

It might be harsh to do, but as the others have said, you are not in a relationship with this person yet. They are more or less the computer that you are reading this message on. There are dozens of methods of quick and easy verification that can be achieved simply and efficiently. To name a few:

A call works perfectly between two phones. It can be quick and simple with no need for long drawn out discussions. Make sure to show the proper etiquette and manners over the phone.
Skype is a free video/voice service free to download. It's used by countless scores of people across the world. There are options for voice and mic, voice only, and mic only.
Almost all messenger systems have the same service described above. I use YIM and have for years.
An email or text photo with a particular item that you name is also a good starter. As mentioned above, the newspaper with the days date shown is perfect.
Many smartphones have free apps that allow for short voice messages to be sent back and forth with no charge.

Those are some of the many ways anybody can use to verify the person they are talking with, and I have used many of them myself.

As for your problem in particular, if this person does turn out to be a guy - do not be ashamed. You are not the first person this has happened to, and will not be the last. There are bad people out there who do this to get their kicks, and it is in no way shape or form your fault. There is nothing wrong with being fooled. But if you are, use caution in the future. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

And even though you are a submissive, there are times when you must draw a line in the dirt and hold it. It is always, always, always your choice to protect the sanctity of your life, and your choice for who you want to give that right to. I expect no less of the people I have topped in the past, and ensure that they are safe, if not comfortable with the life they are in. - What this means for you is, until you are in a trusting relationship with this person, they are not your dom. They are an acquaintance who you are easing yourself into sharing time with. If they cannot or will not provide a fundamental proof as to who they are, my advice is to be courteous and respectful, and to tell them you are not going to proceed or communicate any further until they provide you at least some small evidence that they are indeed who they say they are.

There are tons of wonderful people all over CM and one person who is too stubborn to give that small peace of mind is not worth denying all the other great people here.

Hope this helps you and anyone else having this problem.


Quoted for truth and wisdom. (and general common sensishness) [:D]



DesFIP -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 1:14:59 PM)

If you folks are local, meet for coffee. Or offer to meet her at her local munch. Doing that allows her to be among friends where she can feel safe.



Killerangel -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 3:28:04 PM)

I gotta say, my first gut reaction is that this is not a woman or it is a woman with ulterior motives. Women don't operate how you've described here. They don't jump into intimacy or kink asap, they tend to want relationships. Think about how every other relationship you've ever had with a woman has progressed. Adding kink to the equation doesn't mean women act differently, in fact it means they generally get slower and more apt to check things out. Anyone being kinky and getting intimate in cam sessions from the get go is not a woman. Anyone doing the "I'm in charge slaveboy" thing from the immediate start is not a lifestyle Domme. Really. Take that to the bank. If it were true your search would not have been so long and hard and there would be a lot more happy submissive men in the world.

If 'she' does call make sure it's not someone playing a part but my guess is that she won't call. Unless we're into the woman with ulterior motives territory. In the future, unless you'd like to see pictures of yourself barking like a dog and impaling your asshole out in the general public don't cam with people you haven't met. You might be on a ton of websites right now and not know it. Be more cautious. Being desperate to pursue your kink made you let down your guard and it might have repercussions.



lally2 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 3:52:04 PM)

why cant you just tell her what youve been told and explain how its making you feel.  if she's a reasonable person she'll understand and agree to talk on the phone.  if she isnt reasonable or if she is a bloke, then she'll/he'll blow smoke up youre arse and youll know from that where you are. 

i dont understand the subtefuge.




myrgth -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 4:10:39 PM)

What exactly makes it so "real'?

Your prospective.  That's all.  It's not actually "real", no matter how it feels, until it is live and in person.  Even a phone call and hearing someone's voice doesn't make it real.

As someone who is sincere and genuinely looking, I make myself readily available for people to meet me, in person, fairly quickly.

I let interested parties know where I'm going to be, how they can interact with me face to face, and when I'll be out next if they can't make it.

I absolutely have no interest in cam or 'dominating' someone that I've never met in person and don't have a relationship with, which could be a agreed upon 2 hr scene or could be exploring the potential for much more.  However, nothing happens if it isn't in person.  Of the ladies I know and interact with - they pretty much feel the same way. 

Even if this turns out to be a fake person, a dude, a scam, whatever - there is no reason to feel shame or beat yourself up for it.  You go into a situation with honest intentions.  That is all you can do.  If the other person is being deceptive then that is no reflection on you.  However, it can be used as a learning tool so that you don't jump in cock first next time.  What's the rush?  Take your time, get to know someone, meet in person... and then explore all the kinky, fun stuff.







JJohnsJR24 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 5:20:13 PM)

No, I'm just pretty desperate and incredibly lonely. I'll just flat out admit it. I had work today so I didn't just sit around and wait. I just got home and she said she will call tonight. And to answer someone who said no woman is all about kink right away, she actually has not been all about it so far. Sure there has been a little, after a couple days of talking about common interests and stuff. That's what I mean when I say this actually feels like a real person who wants something real. Maybe I'm a stupid desperate moron, but I feel like there is a small chance that this could be for real and that some women dont actually mind having some kink involved with actual every day conversation.

Idk. I know a lot of the fakes and never respond to them. But I have never dealt with The possibility of someone just playing some stupid game for their own amusement, and I have been on here for almost three years now. I may be naive and stupid but I did at the very least had some decent decision making by coming here for advice. I'm taking everything everyone is saying whole heartfelt and I really appreciate it. I will update you all on how the phone call goes.



MissToYouRedux -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 5:38:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

Also, I have her number to text only, I have not been allowed to call yet.



To give you a glimmer of hope [;)] I do that, but then again I don't cam and the sub gets my number for text confirmation that I'm actually showing up for a real-time meeting.



JJohnsJR24 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 5:48:07 PM)

UPDATE: Well she just called me, definitly sounded like a she. So , serious question, is there any other concerns that I should worry about?



Casteele -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 6:47:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Or you could, you know, like meet in real life.


I know, I know, I talk crazy talk...perhaps even babble.
I can't help it. I promise I'll go get my meds. :-)

You wouldn't be the same Kana we love and hate if you took your meds, so please don't.. :-P

To the OP, I just read that you called and talked for a bit, congrats! I, myself, would still proceed with caution, however. Until I read that, I was going to say "Don't give her more than a day or two to make that call, because you never know what the other will do given enough time; Will they bring in a lady friend to speak to you and pretend to be them?" I've actually known some guys who've gone that far as part of some Internet joke around the office. And it's not always out of ill intent. They all think it's jolly good fun, because in their minds, they do not take the Internet and the people on it to be real, so they assume no one gets hurt because they think you're also just playing pretend for fun and games too. (Not that I ascribe to this; I think it's just a self-justification for acting like asses, but that's beside the point.. These people are otherwise normal people like you and me who would give you the shirt off their back if they KNEW you, and felt you were REAL..)

But please do not worry too much about this; If you go through life being cautious and careful, you'll be fine, but if you go through life being overly paranoid and untrusting, you'll become a CM forum junkie like us.. :-x Seriously though, that is a VERY hard line to balance. Just keep a few notes, in your head or on paper, and take note if there's an contradiction. Next time you talk voice and you bring up a topic she should know about from prior discussions, if she pauses for a long time instead of answering naturally, that's when you become suspicious.

Good luck and I really hope she is real and you find your happiness!




JJohnsJR24 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 8:51:03 PM)

So we just had a 40 min phone conversation , and she is definitly real, and definitly not very happy with me for coming here and not trusting her. She gave me a long lecture. So it seems like this is real.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 9:00:27 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

In a bit of a pickle here. So I recently started talking to a new "domme", and thins have been going great. She seems great. Gave me her number and have been talking and I have gone on cam for her. But tonight I came across a submissive profile (albeit one from another country across the Atlantic, that said that her profile is actually a guy pretending to be a girl. She has said that he is fake, even in a journal entry.

My question is how do I get her to give me a voice identification or even cam? I fear all I will hear is " in time slave, you have to earn it, I'm the dominant ect). So I'm not sure what to do because it seemed to be going very well now I have some doubts and would like some advice on this? Ugh it would be my luck that she ends up being a guy. I hope to god it's not true. I mean , I won't feel completely comfortable being on cam until I know for sure. Any advice? Thanks so much everyone


I'm thinking a phone call (but that's just me).



MarchHare0289 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 9:29:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

So we just had a 40 min phone conversation , and she is definitly real, and definitly not very happy with me for coming here and not trusting her. She gave me a long lecture. So it seems like this is real.



I'm glad to hear that you're worries have been proved wrong, and even more so glad that you were still able to have that conversation. It is understandable that she is not happy, but she should still be somewhat understanding with why you did it, especially considering all the circumstances. (Personal Opinion to add: Trust on personal levels is earned not given. I trust someone I meet face to face to watch my spot in line. I would not trust them to tell me about themselves. I'm even a little more-so jaded for online meetings.)

Regardless, it's good that she is a she and not a he :P I'll hope this issue hasn't put up a wall between you two, and best of luck in proceeding from here with the start of the relationship.

If you do have other questions, I'm sure you've already seen how supportive the people here are, so you can always ask. But when you feel it's okay to do so, run them by your partner first. Once the trust is established of course.

Best Wishes!



risktaker9 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 9:41:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

So we just had a 40 min phone conversation , and she is definitly real, and definitly not very happy with me for coming here and not trusting her. She gave me a long lecture. So it seems like this is real.

Come on...really? She's upset because you aren't immediately trusting her? Why would you? She's still a stranger to you. Why shouldn't she verify to you? Would any sane person ask you to trust them right off the bat and ask you to assume that everything they tell you is the gospel truth? Would you call someone who did that with strangers stupid? I would.

Look, I'm glad you found this woman and are looking forward to building something with her but something just seems off. Are you tributing her? Have you been asked to- has it been mentioned?



JJohnsJR24 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/24/2012 10:43:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: risktaker9


quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

So we just had a 40 min phone conversation , and she is definitly real, and definitly not very happy with me for coming here and not trusting her. She gave me a long lecture. So it seems like this is real.

Come on...really? She's upset because you aren't immediately trusting her? Why would you? She's still a stranger to you. Why shouldn't she verify to you? Would any sane person ask you to trust them right off the bat and ask you to assume that everything they tell you is the gospel truth? Would you call someone who did that with strangers stupid? I would.

Look, I'm glad you found this woman and are looking forward to building something with her but something just seems off. Are you tributing her? Have you been asked to- has it been mentioned?



No tributes. She does not want to be any bit of a pro domme. She is all lifestyle. Thing is though, turns out she has multiple slaves. I think 1 or 2 others. Which might explain why she was the way she was in some ways. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I kind of want a one Domme/one slave type thing. But I'll explore this more because I dont ever get opportunities to serve. It's been more than a year since I even got this far. We shall see , but at least she's real. That was half the battle right there.



lally2 -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/25/2012 3:58:37 AM)

try not to do what i do and end up pulling the whole thing apart - just flow with it - in the end what do you have to lose - you cant live on a diet of 'what ifs' youll never get anywhere.

stop looking for things to worry about and just enjoy this or youll kill it off - for her and you.



Casteele -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/25/2012 10:44:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24
quote:

ORIGINAL: risktaker9
quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24
So we just had a 40 min phone conversation , and she is definitly real, and definitly not very happy with me for coming here and not trusting her. She gave me a long lecture. So it seems like this is real.

Come on...really? She's upset because you aren't immediately trusting her? Why would you? She's still a stranger to you. Why shouldn't she verify to you? Would any sane person ask you to trust them right off the bat and ask you to assume that everything they tell you is the gospel truth? Would you call someone who did that with strangers stupid? I would.

Look, I'm glad you found this woman and are looking forward to building something with her but something just seems off. Are you tributing her? Have you been asked to- has it been mentioned?

No tributes. She does not want to be any bit of a pro domme. She is all lifestyle. Thing is though, turns out she has multiple slaves. I think 1 or 2 others. Which might explain why she was the way she was in some ways. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I kind of want a one Domme/one slave type thing. But I'll explore this more because I dont ever get opportunities to serve. It's been more than a year since I even got this far. We shall see , but at least she's real. That was half the battle right there.

Bear with me on this..

At first, it struck me as kind of funny and ironic that someone with the screen name of "risktaker9" would take the attitude they have instead of something along the lines of "Come on, where's your sense of adventure? Take a risk!" or something..

But while thinking of how I was going to post this, it really struck me and drove home the point I'm going to make shortly, when I thought a little deeper about it and realized, if they are truly a risk taker, they probably have a lot of experience in _evaluating_ risks and only taking _calculated_ risks.

But there's irony there again--because they should also realize that they don't have sufficient information on this topic to make a very good decision to base such an absolute blanket statement. Their comment applies only to the facts that are actually present, and do not account for something which may have been overlooked or previously though not worth mentioning.

So the point I'm trying to make.. You're a human being with capacities to think, evaluate, and judge. You're also the only one here who knows all the details of your situation with true intimacy. We can give advice and help guide you based on our experiences, but you have to make the final judgment and proceed with what is right for you and your situation.

Why was she upset that you didn't come to her and trust her implicitly? Well.. I would be if I were in her situation, so I cannot really question her on that point. I'm me, I know myself intimately, and trust myself implicitly. But I know that you are NOT me, so, while I may be upset and even hurt if you do not trust me as I trust me, I do understand. Even if I still express my displeasure and lecture you about it. That, to me, is consistent with genuine human behavior, and actually gives points in my eyes that she's real, rather than some faker who would be focused entirely on trying to keep you placated in to believing an illusion.

From what I'm seeing, you seem to have your eyes open and have good judgment, showing caution but not overly-cautious or paranoid. You seem to think things through, and include your feelings in the thought process, rather than pure logic or pure emotion. In short, pretty well balanced. So the only advice I have left to give is.. Keep doing what you are doing, it works.

Best wishes and enjoy your blessings and happiness!



marsman -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/25/2012 12:18:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you folks are local, meet for coffee. Or offer to meet her at her local munch. Doing that allows her to be among friends where she can feel safe.


I totally agree with this and finally decided to not even date anyone who did not live within 1/2 hour drive from my house.

Profiles, pictures, descriptions, chat, email etc are never the same as meeting someone in the flesh.

Date someone nearby with whom you don't have to make a "big plan" just to get together.



MDomCouple -> RE: How to deal with possible faker? (2/25/2012 1:45:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: marsman

Date someone nearby with whom you don't have to make a "big plan" just to get together.

In general, I would say that is decent advice. However, that doesn't always work. Take me, for example. I live in a pretty small city, which has a pretty small gay population. When you then factor in the fact that the BDSM population is even a smaller subset, then I find myself left with little to no options in my city. The closest city to me that has anyone who could potentially be interested in what I am looking for is an hour away.



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