|
ElanSubdued -> RE: thinking about going another way (4/14/2012 5:17:59 PM)
|
toodesireme2,
The debate about whether you can or cannot train to become dominant, in my opinion, misses the mark. If you want to control someone, play with someone, and do dominant and/or toppy things, go right ahead. Leadership and vision come to those willing to learn the skills they need and to take steps in that direction.
There are many different styles of leaders. One dichotomy is those who are born with leadership traits versus those who acquire these. However, there are many other ways to gain dominant, leadership skills and, indeed, many of us take on leadership roles in life because we must, or because we enjoy it, or to gain more control in our lives, or for a myriad other reasons.
There is a big difference between a professional dominant and someone who wishes to take on a dominant role in their relationship(s). Personally, I don't think going to a professional dungeon is the right step. My recommendation is to find local BDSM groups in your area that meet to discuss dominance. You can find these by searching the groups and events on FetLife. Also, you can seek partners willing to submit to you and willing to help you learn. Other dominants may make great teachers, but submissives you know and trust may also make great teachers.
Reading books on leadership is one place to glean information. You can also find specific books on BDSM geared toward developing dominance. As a start, the two companion books The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book are a good place to get ideas about the psychological aspects of dominating someone. There are also tips on negotiation, conflict resolution, safety, and many other things a dominant should be aware of in those two books.
Your own mind is a wonderful playground to explore. Consider, for example, scenarios that turn you on and that you might like to try on a partner. There is nothing wrong with going to a partner and saying "I'd like to try X; are you willing to do X with me". Many types of play do require some learning before engaging and I recommend asking others in your local BDSM community for advice and experience. Again, FetLife is a great place to find local BDSM groups where you can meet people and exchange ideas.
As a starting place, there are play scenes you can do that are safe and for which you can use your own common sense. One example is what is called an "inspection" scene. Prepare a room so it is warm and inviting. Add candlelight, some nice music, and whatever else sets an erotic mood. Tell your partner to undress and put on a blindfold you've provided. Then, with your partner in front of you (or on the floor, or laying on a bed, or wherever you command them to be), tell your partner you're going to inspect their body. Use your eyelashes, breath, fingers, tongue, breasts, belly, thighs, feet, and entire body to inspect them. Play in that lovely arena between touch and no touch... caressing, tasting, rubbing, and feeling every part of your partner's body that interests you. Personally, I love the intimacy, sensation, and reaction of using different parts of my face to explore my partner. For example, the tip of the nose can explore lips, the nape of the neck, the navel, thighs, and other sensitive parts of the body. Eyelashes are another favourite, built-in "exploration tool".
If your goal is simply to explore, there doesn't need to be sexual release (for you or for your partner). However, if you want this, you can add it. After you've heated your partner up, you might masturbate while watching your partner's naked body in the candlelight. I can almost guarantee your partner will enjoy listening to your sounds. And, the fact your partner can only listen and not touch you will increase the eroticism. Conversely, you might decide to add some sexual touch to your "exploration" and this could include masturbating your partner while they are blindfolded. It's quite a powerful and enjoyable feeling to have control over your partner's pleasure and sexual response. To add an extra element of control, you can put your partner in "mental bondage" by telling them they are not to move from where you place them. Then, proceed to explore and arouse them as you wish.
Although you are putting yourself in a dominant role, ignore fantasy notions the ilk of "it's all about me; I'm dominant so I can do whatever I want". You have needs. Your partners have needs. And, a leader of any skill realizes they cannot do anything simply because they have the power to do so. Yes, I suppose, you can do what you like, but if you want to keep your partner around you had better consider their needs and you certainly want to maintain their safety (and your own) at all times.
Okay. I hope something in here is useful to you. By the way, I'm a submissive who became a dominant, who swiched back to submissive, and who now entirely ignores labels. I do what I do (with partners) because we enjoy ourselves, because we have affection for each other, and because we respect each other. I suppose I identify more as a submissive than as a dominant, but to a partner on the receiving side of my bondage, dominance, and sadism, I honestly don't think, in the moment, they are terribly concerned with labels either. For me, BDSM is about making human connections and those connections organically go wherever they go.
|
|
|
|
