njlauren
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Joined: 10/1/2011
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I have been there, in a way similar to Cal's, so maybe my thoughts/insite will help.The way I did it is not the way to go about it quite honestly, looking back I could have lost a lot (and in the heat of the moment, it is easy to do), I had a spouse and a young child, much as Cal does and that makes things different. In my case, after a particularly intense session with a pro domme I found my submissive side and wanted to try and make it lifestyle, but the way i came out to my wife, well, left a lot to be desired, something I am not proud of, in a sense you could argue she had no choice, being SAHM and such.......but I learned from that I think.
In any events, some thoughts:
-First of all, what is it you are looking for? Are you looking for a play partner to top you and whip you, or are you looking for the connection of a sub to his domme, where there literally is a power relationship?
Without all the details, pro domme sessions can give a false idea of what it is about to serve (no offense to pros or their skills),the problem is that is still about sub as the center of everything, with a pro you are the paying client and as lifestyle as the mistress is it still means the relationship is about the sub to some or all extent. Put it this way, when we first started playing, my wife/domme to be complained that I was a sponge, that I was in effect using her for my own pleasure, and I was, because in a sense that is all I knew. A dominant isn't 'serving' the sub (nor is the sub in all counts 'serving' the domme alone, since they get something out of it), but there has to be a sharing there, dominants are supposed to be getting what they need out of it......when you submit, it is about getting pleasure out of serving the domme and fulfilling her needs, as well as getting yours met (sensation play dynamics, whatever it is that floats your boat).
If you want her to be a femmedom, you are going to have to unlearn the pro domme session mentality and remember in effect she is the client:).
-I agree with others, fixing your primary relationship is important as hell. If your primary relationship has issues, a d/s isn't going to fix it (again, with my hindsight), D/s relationships require even more communication and trust then 'vanilla ones do', and especially to communicate the boundaries of it, what is working and what isn't. Red up on contracts, and they usually have clauses about communicating, and it is so critical because both parties can get hurt really badly with this stuff, physically and emotionally. You are going to need to communicate with your spouse about this, and it has all kinds of issues that could happen with it.It is hard when the relationship is okay to broach such things, if there are already doubts or issues, well, makes it much worse:).
-I agree with others, a good way to set the stage might be to put yourself into already being her sub, put her first, start listening to her when she wants things, when she simply wants to talk. Put your ego aside, and think about the things that aren't working and how maybe focusing on her would help that. Showing that you actually care about her, want her to be happy, is the basis of a femmedom relationship. If you write her a letter saying how you want her to be your domme, and you haven't shown (assuming you haven't) any indication of having that kind of respect for her to let her lead, or about her needs, what would she think? Would she think "I think X really loves me and respects me, and therefore wants me to lead" or will she think "geez, the guy doesn't even listen to me when I try to talk about what is missing, leaves the toilet seat up , ignores what I tell him to do now, what kind of crap is this? Suddenly mr ignores what I say or think wants to be ruled by me?".....
I apologize since I don't know about Cal's relationship but what I am talking about seems to fit his original post.
On the other hand, if she sees him deferring to her, pleasing her (sexually and otherwise), listening to her, valuing when she is in the room with her, understanding her needs, then saying that won't be such a shock
-It pays to be prepared, to answer questions, like where did this come from? When I came out to my spouse about it, she knew I had done pro sessions, so it wasn't totally a shock. However, I still had a lot of talking to do, I had to do my research, ask questions of people I knew, about how to handle it. I was very careful to explain to her I didn't want to be some dependant almost adult child, but rather that I wanted to harness what I already had for her, love and respect, into a different type of relationship, that gave her power. I also explained the fantasy mindfuck for me, of being this ordinary, middle class suburban couple with this incredible fantasy life we knew about and others didn't. I also had to explain about play, that it wasn't some dominant who hates the sub beating the crap out of him, or that it is about sensation play, about sharing, about a lot of things, that it isn't what is portrayed in media and such...... keep in mind the negative stereotypes, male subs as 'lowly worms' and such, their dommes as cold bitches who hate men, etc, etc........there are some wonderful books on it out there, it pays to do some reading as well, including the books from greenery press and others that talk about how to find/create a mistress:).
Emphasize that it isn't about the play only, thast most of it is to create a new, stronger relationship where she is the more dominant partner, that you love and respect her enough to want to turn that over. Again, emphasize what it isn't, it isn't you going limp or becoming a limp noodle dependant on her for everything, rather it is you as a strong spouse wanting to have her guidance but also that you will be still strong for her, give her your power, whatever. Last thing a mom with young children wants is another child on their hands:).
-Don't jump full bore into this, don't start talking about the play, don't talk about collars and contracts and being public with this stuff, don't get ahead of yourself (yes, folks, I learned.......).....at the early phases, let it be about talk, let her lead the conversation, help her to explore on her own terms what this means....like others said, if you are already doing this, showing her you care, being attentive, communicating with her, making her feel special (hell, regualr married spouses could learn this!), deferring to her ideas after giving feedback, etc, might come naturally.
-There are scene friendly counsellors and therapists out there, I highly encourage finding someone who understands or maybe part of the scene, to help you guys learn to handle this. There are lists of scene friendly counsellors out there, there are some who are pro dommes as well, interestingly enough (least there used to be some, out in California...). They can help negotiate both the couples stuff and the femme domme stuff, give you the tools:). It can help a great deal, especially since your wife will be learning, and it will be nice to know not everyone thinks scene people are crazy or something:).
I wish you luck....in my own case we lost the D/s later on, but that was a number of issues, including my gender issues and a lot of tough family things.....but then again, ya never know:)
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RE: think of asking my wife to become my Femdom - 
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