RE: Relocating and fears. (Full Version)

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LadyHibiscus -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 11:34:51 AM)

That Jeff, he Knows Stuff. Yep.



DesFIP -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 11:58:41 AM)

I don't understand why you have to move there permanently. You're not working, you're not in school. He's paying the airplane ticket for you to move there.

Why can't this ticket be for a one month visit instead and then you go home and both of you have time to think things over? Without the pressure that moving immediately presents.

However, you don't have a cell phone. Does your father have a cell phone? Do your close friends? Because unless all of you are on the same provider, calling to talk will be very expensive.

How easy is it for you to make friends? And how much going out does he like to do in order for you to have the chance to make friends? Will you have a car? Can you drive him to work and use the car yourself during the day or will you be dependent on him?

If you have access to a car, then join your local library, they will have monthly discussion groups. If you like fiber arts, find a shop that sponsors groups - knitting circles, quilting groups, etc. Whatever it is that you enjoy, find others who like it.

You're going to be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning because he's working and you aren't. Take cooking classes. You'll gain skills and make friends.

Talk now about how to integrate his things with yours. Because the fastest way for you to feel more comfortable will be if you can have your favorite pictures on the wall, your choice of pillows on the sofa. You want to make his apartment feel as though it's yours as well, not that you're just a guest.

If you can't find a job right away, volunteer. You will gain experience that can then be used on a resume, you'll be busy and not lonely,  and you'll feel good about yourself for helping others.

One other thing. Because of your family background, you are vulnerable. Find ACOA meetings and attend, they will help you heal and grow. And if he disapproves of you getting help, that's a major red flag.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 12:58:16 PM)

It was hard to see each other sometime even just being 2 hours away, so I know that one, time wise.
quote:

ORIGINAL: rabbitdearr

Sadly, seeing eachother as frequently as we'd like simply is not an option. Again, i am in Pennsylvania and He is in New Mexico. If the time and money would allow, trust me, we'd both love to.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 1:07:46 PM)

It just seems to me, that hosting someone for a long period of time, would indeed be cheaper than traveling frequently, I don't know how far away the two places are, but if you have to fly you're probably looking at 200 -300 dollars a round trip, and if you drive, you got the serious cost of gas, and lodging and food, and the wear and tear on your vehicle.


Gas in Sacramento is 4 dollars a gallon, and it costs a bout between 60 to 80 dollars to completely fill an empty tank ONCE on my dad's plymyth mini van . about 60 on my daddy's 20011 ford toyota.



I agree with the part about spending a month or so together, at his house, before just moving right in though.



quote:

ORIGINAL: SadisticMs2


If he can afford to support you - which he will be doing since you are not working - then there's no reason he couldn't afford to spend more time with you face to face before you make the move. If he tells you otherwise - red flag. If moving to him was an option, so was going and spending a month or two then going home to assess.

At 19, it doesn't surprise me that you think this is a good thing. At 33, he should bloody well know better. Another major red flag.

This has "train wreck" written all over it.




quote:

excitement). Just be careful. It's hard being young and clever people can take advantage of those who are vulnerable or inexperienced.



kalikshama -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 2:21:36 PM)

quote:

i was more looking for advice on how to calm with the fear than add more precautions, but thank you kindly for your input, regardless.


Adding precautions like an exit plan will calm your fears.

Also, moving IS stressful, no matter where or to whom you are moving.

Since you're currently at your Dad's, I suggest you plan to go for a month and reevaluate.

Reevaluate within a week if you don't get your cell phone by then.



lostnlooking9 -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 2:49:58 PM)

First of all.. Topping, traveling from PA to NM is more like anywhere from $300 to maybe $600 depending on where in PA she lives(it's a fairly large state) Not as cheap as you may be thinking.


Secondly, for Rabbit,

Take everyone's words to heart. I understand your feelings and thoughts. I have met and found and connected with people online and they worked out wonderfully even after not meeting more than once.
But others have been beyond bad experiences.

So maybe your right, he's great and things will work out perfect. But maybe not.

Understand that visiting is very VERY different than living with.

You are female. Not to be sexist(just facts sadly) but you are far more vulnerable because of that. Some Men will rape you if you give them the chance to do so. Say things start to go sour with this Master, can you physically stop him from raping you should he decide to 'take' what he 'thinks' is his in such a case?
Not to mention the active(and illegal non consensual) sex slave trade that is active even in the US. Not saying you are in danger, but being so far from any friends or family makes you much more vulnerable to the protection they hold.

Take precautions so that people can contact you, or you check in, or people know where you are.
And not via e-mail. phone, voice or video. E-mail can be hacked.
Heck get to know your neighbors there, find out where the nearest public place is(store or park or whatever) and keep them in mind should you ever need to get away.


Plus he is your 'Master'. I have no idea what your relationship is like.
Maybe when you move he plans to 'deny' you computer use. or phone use, or whatever.

Make sure you talk to him lots and make sure you are adament about not falling off the grid like some Masters might make you do.

in my opinion this relationship is Ying Yang. Both sides Matter. And Trust must be earned, not given away.
take baby steps and don't dive right in. You may find that you are unable to swim and then where would that get you?



Firebirdseeking -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 9:06:37 PM)

To OP and others: if you were my 19 year old daughter, and you were moving across the country for a man almost twice your age, would I be concerned? You bet I would. And to the others who responded here, if she was your daughter, and doing this, how would you feel? would you say, Oh great, go for it? Ya know, I just think people make relationships way too casually these days. I say this with experience with long distance relationships - I met my husband here. He was living in Toronto. But he managed, on a modest income, to visit me every month and a half.

So, now, WHY havent the two of you spent more time together???



Baroana -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 9:20:02 PM)

I'm not her parent. I didn't raise her, I'm not responsible for her, and she doesn't answer to me. We're perfect strangers to each other. She apparently has her mind made up about going to New Mexico, so what use would it be to try to talk her out of it? All I can hope for is that she will give some careful thought to the things that have been said here.



Killerangel -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 10:16:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

To OP and others: if you were my 19 year old daughter, and you were moving across the country for a man almost twice your age, would I be concerned? You bet I would. And to the others who responded here, if she was your daughter, and doing this, how would you feel? would you say, Oh great, go for it? Ya know, I just think people make relationships way too casually these days. I say this with experience with long distance relationships - I met my husband here. He was living in Toronto. But he managed, on a modest income, to visit me every month and a half.

So, now, WHY havent the two of you spent more time together???


The OP said specifically that she didn't want to hear anyone's opinion on what she was doing, she just wanted to know what to do to ease her fears of doing it. As far as I can see everyone tried to give her what she asked for. If the floor had been open to opinions I dare say that she'd have gotten a lot of them similar to your posting quoted above. As it is, she showed she was closed off to wanting to hear anything about not doing it and why, so people didn't waste their time typing things that were going to be ignored.

On my side I think she's being reckless and making a mistake. The guy is almost 15 years older, he should know better and should have tried to give them a solid relationship base first before moving her out there. Neither one of them seems too concerned about what might happen if it doesn't work out, yes, that concerns me, but its not my life either and you can bet if it were my 19 year old daughter that I'd be pretty damned involved in the whole thing. However I'm not the dictator of the world either on relationships and what you should do, maybe she's making a great decision- how would i know from a posting on a message board?

She's an adult, this is a concerning situation, but ultimately she's in charge of her own life.



Baroana -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 10:20:31 PM)

Well said.



JeffBC -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/2/2012 10:53:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking
how would you feel? would you say, Oh great, go for it?

heh, I'd be worried as crap. Having raised two teenagers though, I'd also recognize the utter inevitably of trying to stop this and the necessity that I be on good footing with my daughter in the event it all went belly up.

In other words, "'I'd pick my battles".



Firebirdseeking -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/3/2012 5:37:45 AM)

I didnt notice her saying she did not want opinions about what she was doing; she said she was doing it. She also said she was jittery, and wanted to hear from others who had done the same thing. Sorry, but I find it difficult to separate her jitters from what may be a deep intuition, hence the jitters, that this is not the correct move. They have visited twice. SHE is the one uprooting her life to be with him, not vice versa. My dominant/husband came to me. If she doesnt want to hear that she is way to young to be moving in with a man who is 1. almost twice her age 2. she has met with face to face twice 3. that this is WAY to fast - then maybe she should not have posted? and maybe, when we give opinions, its fair to say, as I did, perhaps the jitters are related to points 1 and 2. I see people every day in my office who make relationships carelessly. They often also bring children into these careless unions. So perhaps my perspective is screwed. Bottom line: she is 19 and moving to be with a man she barely knows, who is much older than she is.



givemyall -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/3/2012 7:33:23 AM)

I did it, I was 27 and he was 40, we had a few hours together just chatting, then a few days later we spent one amazing night together, then I went home. Three days later, I packed my life up, left my job and went to live with him. It wasn't plain sailing, when you are together 24/7 lots of things can start to bug you about someone, but we had lots of great times together too. We did eventually split up and I walked away with a wonderful son and lots of happy memories. Was is the right thing to do...no! Do I regret it...no!

Make sure you can reverse your decision if needs be, but apart from that enjoy your new life, I hope it brings you happiness and if it doesn't work out, then I hope you too can walk away with happy memories and the thought that you at least followed your dream.



Firebirdseeking -> RE: Relocating and fears. (3/3/2012 12:27:55 PM)

The fact that it worked for you is great. Does it make it a good decision for a 19 year old? doubtful. There is some old wisdom out here that says you (we) should spend all 4 seasons with someone to know that person. I realize that no matter what, relationships are a risk. There is risk - then there is being heedless. Jeff. if she was your daughter, I would hope that you had enough influence with her to get her to listen to good sense; and with something this major, I would also hope it would be on of the battles that you in fact WOULD choose.



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