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Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 12:23:54 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Is it possible for a submissive to also be assertive in other affairs?Its something I am trying to balance.On one hand,I do tend to be naturally submissive.Not just in the bedroom but just my overall personality.More passive,laid back,not afraid of my emotions.However,there are certain situations where I can be assertive.I don't mind taking charge for awhile anyways.I sort of like being alittle more assertive sometimes because I don't like people walking over me like a doormat.However,eventually,I tend back to my submissive nature.Is there a way to balance the 2 in a healthy manner?Or is just naturally being more passive and submissive just make it that much harder to be more assertive?

< Message edited by Charles6682 -- 3/3/2012 12:28:10 AM >

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RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 12:49:30 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Yes.

1. Find yourself a Mistress.
2. Give her your submission, so that your submission belongs to her and only her. You are never to be submissive to anyone or thing without her permission.
3. Problem solved. One life balanced.

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 12:59:02 AM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		Being a submissive does not mean you are a door mat. My last two girls were in no way submissive outside of the relationship. Being submissive to your partner does not mean you have to bow to every dominant figure that crosses your path, or subjugate your own desires out of some rediculous fear of not fitting into the sub mold. Be yourself, do what comes naturally.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to Alecta)
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RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 1:37:48 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682
Is it possible for a submissive to also be assertive in other affairs?

Absolutely it's possible. I am a very assertive and straightforward person in all aspects of my life--including my relationship with my Master. This does not contradict our dynamic--I am clear and assertive about what I think and what I want, and then my Master takes that input and uses it in making his decision on whatever. He likes that I am this way, and it is one of his requirements of me, as this communication helps him better manage me and our relationship. My outspokenness does not hinder my submissiveness or deference to him. I tell him what I think or believe, and then I obey when he makes his decision.

But I submit only to him. In all other aspects of my life I prefer to be on equal authoritative standing with those around me (I do not prefer a leadership role or a follower role in these interactions.) I am very assertive, even stubborn, and I make it clear that I am not someone who lets others push me around. My submission is reserved for my Master only. All of this comes very natural to me and thus I have never had a problem finding balance. It is what it is and that is just who I am.

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 2:01:40 AM   
jennileigh8182


Posts: 173
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		Absolutely!!

I'm very much an alpha personality in most parts of my life, and even in some past relationships. At work, I'm a supervisor, managing between 7 and 17 employees (depending on the shift I'm on), and every last one of them knows they need to work hard for me and mind the rules or I'll take action. My submissive nature only comes out in a relationship with a dominant. However, even there, I tend to be spirited, picking at my partner or teasing.

I have, however, been passed over my a lot of dominants due to my nature. And that's fine, because they clearly weren't right for me. The dominant I'm currently seeing loves that about me. He was majorly drawn to the fact that I'm a VERY in control personality in public, that he is the only one in the world that gets to see that side of me, the only one that can bring it out, and even he has to 'earn' it. Does that mean I'm bratty? No, not at all. In fact, he brings me to the submissive place VERY easily.

Honestly....think about it less. Just be. I had more trouble with balancing it when I thought about it more. This is what comes naturally to me, and I'm not afraid of it anymore, not daunted by it.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 2:09:59 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Real life is complex.
Real humans do not fit into nice, neat, tidy little BDSM boxes.
Real humans behave different in different situations and when presented with different stimuli.
Yes, you're allowed to be real.

Honestly, you sound a lot like Carol. She prefers to defer. It's not that she's "weak" or any other such thing... it's just that she values pleasing others and/or not making waves more than she cares about a lot of other things. So she acts according to her own priorities. That being said, it's also correct that there are situations in which she tends to "take charge". It's also very possible to back her into a corner and get... well... a less submissive demeanor LOL.

The way to balance all this in a healthy manner is to realize that it's all very normal and just be yourself.

I hope any of that helps.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 3:11:24 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Yes!

I had a conversation once with someone who I feel was a very smart man. He was also a Dominant, though not my Dominant. I asked him why...why is it that I can handle my own life and affairs well enough, that I'm obviously a capable person, that my kid and my plants and my pet are still alive, my mortgage gets paid and I can hold down a job, and yet I still feel this need for a man to tell me what to do? I was curious for his perspective and he gave me an answer that I think is true for me.

He told me that some people (and thereby, some submissive women), when they have many obligations and people to do for, have trouble prioritizing. We have to constantly make that decision - do I do this first, or do I do that first? And some people (namely me, based on some other traits of mine) can sometimes be slightly overwhelmed by this. When I have a Dominant man in my life, I know there is no question as to what my priority is. He is my focus.

While this certainly might not be true for everyone, we were talking specifically about me and I do believe he knew me well enough to nail this.

It feels good to not have to think about where to put my attention. If I'm in the middle of handling a number of different things - no matter how well I'm handling them and no matter how assertive I'm being with others as I handle them - it feels good to hear the man in my life say "Go get those dishes done." There is no question as to what is expected of me right that very moment, and it clears my head and allows me to focus on that one task without choice rather than trying to juggle 15 others.

So, I don't believe that assertiveness and submissive are exclusive of each other at all. They can be complementary, even.

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 3:23:53 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

Yes.

1. Find yourself a Mistress.
2. Give her your submission, so that your submission belongs to her and only her. You are never to be submissive to anyone or thing without her permission.
3. Problem solved. One life balanced.


That may be the most unrealistic answer I've seen in awhile.  Relationships are not "just add water" after all.

Charles -
Follow what feels right, trust yourself, don't hurt others, don't hurt yourself, learn from your mistakes.  It really is quite simple.  Not easy, but simple.

best,
sunshine


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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 3:55:54 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Wednesday night, I'd volunteered to help put on a meal for 30 kids and 15 staff/volunteers. I went in prepared to be a soldier, but once I realized I was the only one with a shred of professional experience, I quickly switched to officer mode.

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 4:24:21 AM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		What RaspberryLemon and JeffBC said, totally.

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‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 4:25:22 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Many s-types are highly assertive in the non relationship part of their lives. Mine is a director of facilities at a major hospital complex in Chgo. Believe me, he has to be assertive to do his job.

This dual personality is very common in s-types. I am one of the most dual natured people you could ever know.


Yes, that's made life difficult at times. I say, take the time to know yourself, then just be yourself.

_____________________________



(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 4:32:16 AM   
givemyall


Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline 		I'm very dominant in life to the point where im generally a total pain in the ass. I'm submissive with James, although he has one hell of a job keeping me in my place - it wouldn't work for a lot of people, but it works for us....go with the flow and do what comes naturally.

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 4:58:55 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		A submissive has to be submissive for his or her Dominant. And nobody else.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to givemyall)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 5:37:35 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		It's not only possible that a submissive be assertive in other aspects of life, it's 100% desirable.
I want a sub, not a doormat.

Which is more fun for a skilled equestrian?

1. A 25 year old gelding?
or
2. A barely trained 4-year-old stallion?

They'll both get you from point A to point B but which is more fun and satisfying when they end up doing as you wish?

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 6:02:37 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		FR

YES!!!!!!

And anyone who tells you otherwise is WRONG!!!!!!!

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 8:28:05 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

Is it possible for a submissive to also be assertive in other affairs?Its something I am trying to balance.On one hand,I do tend to be naturally submissive.Not just in the bedroom but just my overall personality.More passive,laid back,not afraid of my emotions.However,there are certain situations where I can be assertive.I don't mind taking charge for awhile anyways.I sort of like being alittle more assertive sometimes because I don't like people walking over me like a doormat.However,eventually,I tend back to my submissive nature.Is there a way to balance the 2 in a healthy manner?Or is just naturally being more passive and submissive just make it that much harder to be more assertive?


Yes, it is possible for a submissive to be assertive. I am, although I'd call it more of a taking charge than anything else. I watch to see who will step forward in any situation, and if no one does or I"m the best choice out of the bunch, I will take charge and I do it very well. I generally prefer a supporting position, but I do leader very efficiently.

The way I would try to balance things out more with being a bit more assertive, is to start stepping forward with things where you are sure of yourself. You can step forward with opinions or suggestions. You're building a base here to work from that'll give you more confidence overall.

I always tell my Dom he's the boss, I'm the secretary. Secretary's do a lot of decision making and stepping forward, I would do a poor job at secretary if I didn't step forward, and wasn't capable of it. He and I never have power struggles because...he's the boss. I'm a damned good boss when I need to be, if I dont' need to be I wait in the wings with support and step in as needed. He'll plan our activities, I'll bring with what we need to do it. We're a team. I'm a good team player or a good leader, it depends on the situation.

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 8:46:16 AM   
LoreBook


Posts: 257
Joined: 2/22/2012
Status: offline 		Personally I would want a partner who could be assertive when its called for. I would have an issue if the person did it when it wasn't called for. And yes, I would be the one to decide if it was called for or not.

Edited to remove the bitchiness.

< Message edited by LoreBook -- 3/3/2012 8:47:48 AM >

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WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"



LLT

(in reply to Charles6682)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 9:33:06 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Master requires it. He doesn't want going through life not being able to stand up for myself. He sees me as a complete and responsible adult who is still able to run her life, with or without him. I did it all my life before him not because that's what I wanted but I had to to survive in life. I admit I don't like being assertive but what other choice is there except to be walked on and taken advantage of.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LoreBook)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 8:34:28 PM   
LunaM


Posts: 183
Joined: 3/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Endivius

Being a submissive does not mean you are a door mat. My last two girls were in no way submissive outside of the relationship. Being submissive to your partner does not mean you have to bow to every dominant figure that crosses your path, or subjugate your own desires out of some rediculous fear of not fitting into the sub mold. Be yourself, do what comes naturally.




I agree fully with Endivius. You dont have to allow people to walk all over you just because your a submissive in your private life. Your submission is not to be given freely. If your Master/Mistress has it then no one else does so it's ok to be more assertive when dealing with other matters.



_____________________________

~BloodRed's Slave~

~Love is our response to our highest values and can be nothing else~

~And yet she had never felt more totally committed to a will, which was not her own, more totally a slave and more content to be so~

(in reply to Endivius)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Assertive Submissive - 3/3/2012 8:49:12 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		My personal experience is that it takes a very strong willed, disciplined person to be a slave. And thus, it's also been my experience that, with those attributes in mind, many of the very best slaves I've owned and met have been highly assertive in nilla life.
Course, this really shouldn't come as too much of a shock.
Ask any Domme how many powerful crave to crawl...

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to LunaM)
Profile   Post #: 20
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