A Matter of Trust

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HollyS -> A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 9:59:04 PM)
Over the last several days there have been many discussions regarding the place of trust in a relationship. I'm interested to hear from others about when or how people decide to trust their partner? Do you give trust in full, in part, under certain conditions until a certain time? How do you know when the time is right in the relationship to give fully to the other (if you ever do give fully - some don't for various reasons). I'm not asking for advice here, but rather individual thoughts on how you came to this decision within your relationships. ~Holly

Lordandmaster -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:01:08 PM)
I don't trust people until they've earned it, and it's hard to explain how I know whether they've earned it. I just wake up in the morning and ask myself how much I trust them. In your bones, I think you usually know whether to trust someone. But everyone has been deceived at one point in his or her life.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:06:12 PM)
Trust is a series of small leaps of faith. They either get reinforced or not. If not, then you take some steps back before you take another leap.

Jnj -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:15:31 PM)
I'm not sure that I ever went through a process of trusting Jim (my owner). Unlike how I react to most people, developing trust slowly over time, with him I simply always felt a sense of security, the type one feels with family. It naturally carried over into our play, where trust is a very big factor. With play partners and tops I service who are not Jim, I've noticed that I'm instinctively skeptic, and reserve a small part of me during submission to be diligently watchful. In general, after I've bottomed to them a few times, and assured myself that they have my well being heavily weighed against the rewards of our play, this goes away. Some times for the betterment of my psyche, and unfortunately some times when it has proven to be unwarranted. I think that once my trust has been shaken in someone, it is difficult to fully submit, both to the entrusted person and to others, until I regain my own confidence in my judgement of people.

LadiesBladewing -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:17:37 PM)
My process is the opposite. I trust people up front, and give them the benefit of the doubt. While I am cautious, I am also open. However, if trust is breached, I have to be honest, it's gone. Because I am completely honest and forthright up front, and open myself to scrutiny, I expect the same in return. Should I discover that someone has betrayed that trust -- especially if it turns out that they -knowingly- deceived me, the relationship has basically been leveled a death-blow. Though I may forgive, it is liable to be nearly impossible to re-build the freedom that came with the initial belief in that person. While we may try, in a relationship as open and forthright as our household is, I have to admit that we've never had someone who broke trust with us who managed to make their way back at the level that they were at before. Most of them decide that it isn't even worth the effort to try. Has this process ever left us in a mess... yes, it has-- but holding back has left us in even worse places, with people that we didn't really know, and never really trusted, and were unable to find that incredible peace with that we have when we open ourselves up to people and they -don't- let us down (which happens most of the time, actually... about 97% of the people that we open up to turn out to be incredible, loving, honorable, and very trustworthy people.) We also handle this sensibly. We depend on being able to see, touch, talk to, and spend time with the people that we are in relationships with. We don't do online relationships, and avoid long distance relationships with people that we've never spent time with in person. We open up as associates first, then as friends -- and our special, dear friends become our family. Da'Avatar ZWD quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster I don't trust people until they've earned it, and it's hard to explain how I know whether they've earned it. I just wake up in the morning and ask myself how much I trust them. In your bones, I think you usually know whether to trust someone. But everyone has been deceived at one point in his or her life. www.klashaan.org

MistressLorelei -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:30:58 PM)
I had a relationship which began in my younger days, where lack of trust was a huge issue. I held onto the relationship out of false security, and out of affection for the person I grew to trust less and less every day. In my next relationships, trust was my prize possession. I get a sense of comfort, or no comfort at all almost immediately, and from those comfortable situations, sometimes trusts begins to build. As time goes by, and as my trust is not betrayed, it builds...brick by brick, until the wall of trust is strong, giving me confidence that it won't come down. I do think that I can fully trust the right person again, but it is a slow process.

NCSilverWolves -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:33:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing My process is the opposite. I trust people up front, and give them the benefit of the doubt. While I am cautious, I am also open. However, if trust is breached, I have to be honest, it's gone. Da'Avatar ZWD This is so me it's scary sometimes. Depending on how i'm approached. And over the course of the next few hours to days. Depending on how we met and when. Male and or female. Hows the saying go?.... fuck me once ....shame on you.... fuck me twice... shame on me.... but trust me... there won't be a 3rd fucking. (LOL, then again... I suppose it's how it's done [;)]) Ok it's after 1:30am... mind is headed home to the sewer....from the gutter... time to put it to bed I guess...lol.... Safe weekend to you all... Jessica

OedipusRexIt -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:33:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Trust is a series of small leaps of faith. They either get reinforced or not. If not, then you take some steps back before you take another leap. Succinctly and aptly put. I would only add that trust betrayed is a big leap backward.

juliaoceania -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:36:03 PM)
It takes time for me to trust completely. I have had many people break my trust but for some reason I basically believe most people are good and they care if they hurt others. I am not a distrustful person. I have learned to look beyond what someone says to their actions and to keep part of myself aside, but I am basically a trusting person. I can be trusted, so I tend to assume others can be too. It is a natural thing for me to be trusting... I guess because I have had two parents that I could trust and count on. I was raised with honesty. It does not come natural for me to be suspicious of others.. no matter how often I have been hurt I guess at the deepest part of me I feel it is unfair to punish people for what others have done to hurt me... I try to remain open, even though the possibility remains that I may get hurt again. The alternative is being a very lonely and bitter person. I will say that as I get older I tend to look for people that are as open and trusting as I am.... It gives me a secure feeling that they can be trusted too (although that is not 100% I am sure...) On Edit: If I felt a relationship had significant worth to me I would attempt to trust a person that had broken my trust. It would be based on the entirety of the situation. There would be no guarantees, but I would try if it was important enough to me and I felt the other aspects of the relationship pointed toward success. It is not a matter of forgiveness so much as it is a matter of being able to trust the person again. I think that there are times that people should be given a second chance. In my early 20s I was not so generous, but life has a way of illustrating when you are wrong, and it has shown me how second chances are not only good for the person receiving the second chance, they are also good for the person who gave it.... Just a thought

zumala -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:43:52 PM)
A good question. I originally had a pretty trusting nature, but as I grew up and matured, I realized that there are people who want to screw you over. So... I'm friendly and I still tend to take things at face value, but if I catch even a hint of something not being right... I'll investigate. If you break my trust behind my back, I will eventually find out about it. And I'm afraid that once it's gone, it's probably gone for good. That said, I choose those I trust fully with care and caution. zuma

marieToo -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 10:49:21 PM)
Trust is not something that I have never had a logical system for. Its simply a gut feeling that materializes in a relatively short period of time when interacting with someone. I cannot recall a time that my instinct was ever wrong in regards to someone being a bullshit artist or someone being genuine. Sure we can be fooled temporarily because we dont walk through our lives assuming that everyone is bullshitting us. But there is only so long, even the most skilled liar, can keep up pretense. Little by little you get those tiny little whispers and red flags. The greatest challenge, for me is learning to yield to that instinct instead of trying to make excuses for the person and explaining everything away in my mind, because Im not ready to accept them as scum yet. My mistake is still not being able to trust that voice completely without questioning myself. And in the end , when I look back in retrospect, every time I had a feeling something was fishy, it came out in the wash, that it was.

Lordandmaster -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 11:41:14 PM)
I used to have that approach, but I'd always get this nagging sense that the other person wasn't to be trusted, and every time I've had that nagging sense, it's always turned out that my gut was right and I should have listened. Unfortunately, not one person in ten is trustworthy. I think it's one thing to give people the opportunity to prove themselves trustworthy, but I've decided it's just foolish to assume that people are trustworthy before you know for sure. quote: ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing My process is the opposite. I trust people up front, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

liljeanti -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/2/2006 11:46:01 PM)
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them up front. Some people just give off that feeling of distrust and it takes me a long time to trust. I also feel that once you break my trust by being dishonest or hiding something then it is gone for good.

Reflectivesoul -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 12:39:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: liljeanti I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them up front. Some people just give off that feeling of distrust and it takes me a long time to trust. I also feel that once you break my trust by being dishonest or hiding something then it is gone for good. Welcome to the boards... please keep your hands arms and legs inside of the vehicle and enjoy the ride grins ~RS~

Wolfie648 -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 12:56:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HollyS Over the last several days there have been many discussions regarding the place of trust in a relationship. I'm interested to hear from others about when or how people decide to trust their partner? Do you give trust in full, in part, under certain conditions until a certain time? How do you know when the time is right in the relationship to give fully to the other (if you ever do give fully - some don't for various reasons). I'm not asking for advice here, but rather individual thoughts on how you came to this decision within your relationships. ~Holly All you have are your perceptions/feellings. Trust yourself until (if ever) you trust someone else before yourself. D (owner of j).

feastie -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 2:43:28 AM)
Trust is a big issue. Everyone I meet gets a certain basic level of trust. Deeper levels are earned with time. But, it seems that I must have a different sense of what honesty is than others, because my trust is often destroyed by a lie. It's difficult for me to give more than that basic level of trust these days. Yes, it probably is unfair to people, it probably is off-putting to them. But it is actually very simple. Don't lie to me and have patience with me until I learn that you're honest. Changing the cycle is something I cannot do alone. One person has to be trustworthy to me. Just one.

bandit25 -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 3:15:40 AM)
In my job, I pretty much suspect everyone is doing something wrong...either out of ignorance or just because they can. So I guess I'm pretty distrustful of people on the whole. With that said, those I do trust, I trust completely

Calandra -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 4:48:36 AM)
I think trust is earned at different rates depending on what's going on in the relationship... Does a potential Dom/me make good financial decisions? Do you turn over all financial decisions at once, or a piece at a time? Does the prospective partner deal honestly at all times? Do they use little white lies? Do they communicate respectfully and fairly? How does the person treat others? children? animals? elderly? handicapped? people in the service industry? If someone treats others carelessly and without compassion, they won't treat you differently after the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over...

Dustyn -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 4:49:54 AM)
I start everyone I meet with a blank slate. When they do something to give me a reason to trust them, it adds to the slate, and vice versa for giving me a reason to not trust them. And yes, I've lost trust and faith in a number of people over the years. Most I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: A Matter of Trust (6/3/2006 5:27:58 AM)
I usually trust upfront, unless and until given a reason not too. I've been hurt many times because of that, but thats just the way I am. Eventually, the trust I give someone will work out.

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