Why be who your not? (Full Version)

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wintersnowdom63 -> Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 4:33:45 AM)

Recently I was informed of a submissive I have know for over 12 years is attmepting to become a domme. Through disappointments in her life, her age and other challenges she informed Me that she was going to turn into a domme and asked My advise. she stated she was going to find a male slave to do what she wants because of her control issues, yet she informs the slaves she is conversing with that they will have to understand when she has to be with her Dom.
her struggle is with trust and insecurities so she feels she needs to control every aspect of life. For those just exploring this wonderful lifestyle there are 3 things you should understand completely.
1. We/we are all born the way We/we are. We/we can not change who or what is at Our/our core. We/we can attempt to mask what is there but in time your core will surface.
2. Control is not Dominance. When you are near a true Dom, you as a submissive or slave can tell without ever interacting with them. So to role play as a dom is acceptable as long as those who are seeking a dom know the moment is a role play setting. Otherwise you are no different than the preditors who falsely portray who they are for the purposes of hurting others.
3. To reach subspace and other wonderful moments in this lifestyle are only achievable when you open yourself, make a committment and be accepting and receptive to what is there. If you chose the position or mindset above you are only in a moment of fantacy and not reality.

Master Snow



DarkSteven -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 5:49:11 AM)

Hello, Master Snow, and welcome to the collarme forums. Thanks for your opinion.

There's a woman here you should meet, her name is NiceButMeanGirl. She's been a sub all her life. A couple of years ago, she decided that she really was a Domme and has been experiencing that. The point I'm trying to make is that some people do in fact stay in their original roles, and some people transition to the other. Still others try both to see which fits better.

1. I agree that being a Dom/sub is something that is part of a person's personality. That said, the fact that someone has been a Dom/me or sub may indicate his/her response to circumstances, a common one being that someone acts like a sub because that's the only way their current relationship could work.
2. To me, Dominance IS in fact the desire to be in control. I think you're trying to differentiate between being domineering and dominant. And I don't agree that a true Dom's nature shines through.
3. This sounds like you as a Dom are trying to sell people on being subs. If someone genuinely is a submissive, it will simply "fit" them better to act like a sub. Same with being a Dom/me.



masterofholly -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 6:00:52 AM)

quote:

When you are near a true Dom, you as a submissive or slave can tell without ever interacting with them.
Yeah. That's because we all glow in the dark.

[8|]



risktaker9 -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 6:07:57 AM)

You are entitled to your own views on what belongs in BDSM or D/s and what does not, you are more than welcome to feel certain things are set in stone and the only appropriate way to do things. What does that actually mean to anyone else? They all have ways of seeing things themselves and have adopted their own set of guidelines which might not necessarily match with yours. That is how human beings are, think of any topic, politics, religion, what we eat for breakfast - people will do what is meaningful to them and they will think what they will.

This situation with your friend obviously has you concerned and in the end it's up to her what she does and why. Your ideals don't necessarily match hers. That's life. I guess she'll do what she thinks is best. If she's open about things, which it sounds like she is, and her partners are all on board, what does it really matter to you?



wintersnowdom63 -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 6:49:04 AM)

It appears My post has taken a left turn from its intent. I do not have concern for someones choices. The intent of the post was not to mislead when others when your searching yourself. Not sure where the breast comment came from. Gotta love billboards.



Lockit -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 7:31:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: masterofholly

quote:

When you are near a true Dom, you as a submissive or slave can tell without ever interacting with them.
Yeah. That's because we all glow in the dark.

[8|]


[:D] I love it!

Mr. Snow, maybe twenty five years of training as a dominant, would afford you a bit of understanding of how women work. Women even in a some what, supposedly enlightened nation, are often taught that they in some manner do not meet up to a man and they take a second place. Woman serves man... Oh, they can be a doctor or lead a nation, but to get a man and to keep a man, she must be what a man wants... must cater to a man... and submit in some manner. Many women have tried to play this role. It has taken some women a long time to find that they really don't fit the role, whether it is because they cannot submit and don't fit or men have been lacking in their 'role' and are not worthy a lot of the time, to submit to. One way or another, many dominant women come into their own and dominance later in life. Where men are taught from birth to be the 'he' man... in charge, pampered little carriers of the family name.

Now... it may seem that I am angry from my post, but I am mostly making a point. I am not angry. I just think that some things really need to be addressed when it comes to gender roles, society and understanding mankind. It is rather silly not to think of where we all may come from. Some may have gotten off track by going by societies 'rules' and have struggled with it.

The cause may not be in your friend needing control because of wounds... but an actuality of... few men are really stepping up and think by gender, they amount to something worth submitting to and she realized that. When you have a nation filled with men that want easy access, that are leaving children behind and not taking care of them and not filling the role of a great human being... you will have more women exiting even if they do feel more submissive than where they are heading.

Whatever the reasons are for your friend switching things up... rather than trying to direct her... why not try to understand her? Why criticize where she is going because of where she has been... and try to understand... really understand, where she might be coming from and if it 'now' makes sense for her to go elsewhere?



Killerangel -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 7:46:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wintersnowdom63

It appears My post has taken a left turn from its intent. I do not have concern for someones choices. The intent of the post was not to mislead when others when your searching yourself. Not sure where the breast comment came from. Gotta love billboards.


I don't really see where people misunderstood your intent from what you put here to open the thread with, if it wasn't the type of thing you were looking for as far as discussion then you may want to consider the source. In fact post #4 mentioned that it seemed as though the woman in question was being open with her partners, which seems to be the truth from what you wrote.

If she's telling her partners what she is going through and how she feels about things, then what's the problem? No one is misleading another. The people she is with have sense enough to choose for themselves if what she has to offer is what they want.

DarkSteven's breast comment is part of his signature line, it appears on each of his postings as do other people's. It was not specifically aimed at your post, it just comes along for the ride so to speak whenever he posts.



angelikaJ -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 9:04:08 AM)

To the OP

My very first experience with this was with someone who began his life in college as a submissive man.
Then one day his Domme requested that he assist her in co-topping someone.
From that experience he realised "[he] was playing for the wrong team".

We are all complex and eveolving creatures.

Before I met the man who became Master to me more than 3 yrs ago, I thought that casual play would suit my needs nicely.
Meeting Him and getting to know him caused an evolution in thoughts and feelings and I discovered that what I had been missing entirely was the "specialness" of specificity.

I was not a slave except that though specificity I am a slave to this Man, not a man but THIS Man.

We are who we are until we evolve into something else.

edit: to fix something small



RumpusParable -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 10:10:55 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wintersnowdom63

1. We/we are all born the way We/we are. We/we can not change who or what is at Our/our core. We/we can attempt to mask what is there but in time your core will surface.
2. Control is not Dominance. When you are near a true Dom, you as a submissive or slave can tell without ever interacting with them. So to role play as a dom is acceptable as long as those who are seeking a dom know the moment is a role play setting. Otherwise you are no different than the preditors who falsely portray who they are for the purposes of hurting others.
3. To reach subspace and other wonderful moments in this lifestyle are only achievable when you open yourself, make a committment and be accepting and receptive to what is there. If you chose the position or mindset above you are only in a moment of fantacy and not reality.

Master Snow


Your opinions only, not facts or truths.



CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 10:51:57 AM)

"you're"...

And I have heard you can change, you cannot change, blah, blah, blah...

The world is not black and white, people aren't black and white. Perhaps someone takes on a role to pretend that it is or that it can be but any moment you can say "fuck it" pack up your toys, or a duffel bag, get into your car and drive until you run out of gas. Other times you can stay rooted into your own habits and live without thinking much, blaming fate, or nature or whatever.
Some people see what is in front of them, make a decision and stop thinking with out actually experiencing what is before them.

In some aspects I am the same as I was as a child, in other ways, I have grown way past what I was six months ago... you want to put me in a role, shrug... I have been told I am a wise Master and that I am not a Dominant, that I don't love my children and my kids say that I am the best Father they could have ever wanted. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has an asshole... and some people like to show theirs off.

What the fucking hell ever...



LadyPact -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 11:05:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wintersnowdom63

Recently I was informed of a submissive I have know for over 12 years is attmepting to become a domme. Through disappointments in her life, her age and other challenges she informed Me that she was going to turn into a domme and asked My advise. she stated she was going to find a male slave to do what she wants because of her control issues, yet she informs the slaves she is conversing with that they will have to understand when she has to be with her Dom.

This is just My opinion, but she may have asked the wrong person for advice.  I'm about to tell you why.  Stuff you should have already known if you are so experienced that other people are bringing their questions to you.

quote:

her struggle is with trust and insecurities so she feels she needs to control every aspect of life. For those just exploring this wonderful lifestyle there are 3 things you should understand completely.

1. We/we are all born the way We/we are. We/we can not change who or what is at Our/our core. We/we can attempt to mask what is there but in time your core will surface.

No, we're not.  There are a number of folks out there who started out as one thing and became another.  I happen to be a later in life Domme.  In My earlier phase, I was vanilla as the day is long.  I am also now a sadist when I wasn't before.  There were no latent thoughts about enjoying inflicting pain on others.  My entire first dynamic had nothing to do with S/m.  Take My word for it.  There are some people who change.

quote:

2. Control is not Dominance. When you are near a true Dom, you as a submissive or slave can tell without ever interacting with them. So to role play as a dom is acceptable as long as those who are seeking a dom know the moment is a role play setting. Otherwise you are no different than the preditors who falsely portray who they are for the purposes of hurting others.

You almost had Me with this one.  However, I would say that a desire to be in control is a part of Dominance.  Yes, in some situations, there is just a certain kind of vibe when two people meet.  Yet in other cases, that is something that can grow over time as people interact together. 

quote:

3. To reach subspace and other wonderful moments in this lifestyle are only achievable when you open yourself, make a committment and be accepting and receptive to what is there. If you chose the position or mindset above you are only in a moment of fantacy and not reality.

Master Snow

That's not necessarily true, either.  "Space" has everything to do with the chemical reaction that happens in the brain.  Plenty of people can reach it by pain stimulation alone.  It's exceptionally similar to what is called "runner's high" and can be achieved in the same way.  Others can do it on an emotional level.  I'm a top and can reach space just by putting a dozen or so needles in a person.  In the right mood, I can do it without playing at all and wrote a post just last month about how that works.



Alecta -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 12:56:07 PM)

We are all constantly evolving, finding new things we like, getting bored of old things we liked, getting over old things we disliked, finding new things we dislike-- People change. Moment to moment, day to day, sometimes in tiny ways sometimes in large ways.

I agree, there's no point in lying about what you want when looking in the BDSM lifestyle. So why haven't you gone up to her and told her "I liked you better when I could walk all over you and you'd just cringe like a good little girl" yet?



lizi -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 1:06:57 PM)

I'm not sure why change is hard to fathom, are we all the same people we were when we were teenagers? Things change, even deep things, then again some things don't. Cores change. It's a human thing. Sometimes it's called maturity, sometimes it's called being frivolous, sometimes it's a reaction to something. This woman you're talking about wants something different, seems like she should know what works for her.

As long as she's open about where she's at what is the harm that is being done? How do you know that she's misleading others? Seems like in her exchanges with you she was pretty upfront about it, I'd guess that she's being honest with the other people she is interacting with unless I was confronted with something different. Who are you to say that it's not working for the people she is with? If they stick around then it must have something there for them.

What does it matter if she's all about control now and you don't think that is Dominence? She thinks so. It works for her and if she's got others in her life then it's working for them too. It never really works when we try to impose our view of how things should work on the rest of the world.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 3:16:34 PM)

1. People can and do change every day, it doesn't make them fake it means they are maturing and growing.. or sometimes the reverse.

2. I can;t give this any serious consideration because you said 'true dom' which immediately negates any idea you have some common sense.

3. I reach subspace from a chemical high in the brain and it's got zippo to do with love.


Everyone is entitled to their opinion, that doesn't make it worth anything. I personally found most of your statements to be completely and utterly false. Maybe you would do well to learn from others, and grow as a person by evolving your understanding to encompass what others know to be true for them.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 3:27:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

I agree, there's no point in lying about what you want when looking in the BDSM lifestyle. So why haven't you gone up to her and told her "I liked you better when I could walk all over you and you'd just cringe like a good little girl" yet?


[sm=goodpost.gif]

I got that tone from the OP's post. Between the lines, he seems a bit butthurt.



lizi -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 4:01:13 PM)

He does seem butthurt although I'm not sure why. Some people just see things in black and white and don't like change - when it happens it seems false to them. It could just be that things aren't conforming to his view and that seems to be the only one he can see any validity in. I mean I've heard it from people all the time..."if he/she would just go back to the way things were then everything would be fine. Why does he/she have to go mess everything up?" These types of people who think this way dont seem to have any fluidity in their thinking or ways to adapt. It doesn't serve them well in the end usually and I see their relationships crash and burn often.

Was just talking about this concept of having fluidity in a relationship or in your outlook on life with someone, maybe it's just on my mind.



JanahX -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 6:49:17 PM)

And heres a few things that you should know. ---->


quote:

For those just exploring this wonderful lifestyle there are 3 things you should understand completely.
1. We/we are all born the way We/we are. We/we can not change who or what is at Our/our core. We/we can attempt to mask what is there but in time your core will surface.

People change, and who you are today may not be who you are tomorrow, and what the hell is a CORE? Sounds like a bunch of psychobabble to me. People mask shit all day long every day - and NO it doesnt always surface. Thats why we have brains to control ourselves, actions and thoughts. If humans didnt have this ability we would still be monkeys in the trees.

2. Control is not Dominance. When you are near a true Dom, you as a submissive or slave can tell without ever interacting with them. So to role play as a dom is acceptable as long as those who are seeking a dom know the moment is a role play setting. Otherwise you are no different than the preditors who falsely portray who they are for the purposes of hurting others.

OH yes a TWUE DOM. LMAO @ being able to tell one without ever interacting with one - what the hell ever. I dont even know what that means.
Oh --- Im sorry so it WOULDNT be acceptable if the dom interacted with someone and they didnt know that they were roll playing? What would they think is going on then? Please enlighten me. How the hell does that make someone a predator and into someone who is there to hurt someone?


3. To reach subspace and other wonderful moments in this lifestyle are only achievable when you open yourself, make a committment and be accepting and receptive to what is there. If you chose the position or mindset above you are only in a moment of fantacy and not reality.

Make a commitment? To reach subspace and other moments is only achievable this way? REALLY - thats very interesting. I love it how you speak for the masses of people that are into BDSM - and ONLY ACHIEVE this, this way. You should be their spokesman. You sir really ARE a TWUE MASTER and DOM.



Alecta -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 8:48:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

Make a commitment? To reach subspace and other moments is only achievable this way? REALLY - thats very interesting. I love it how you speak for the masses of people that are into BDSM - and ONLY ACHIEVE this, this way. You should be their spokesman. You sir really ARE a TWUE MASTER and DOM.



You totally missed the part where he is so Masterful, he knows all about a place he's not been to and how to best get there. How dare you mock something like that?



Musicmystery -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/17/2012 9:12:09 PM)

S/so is it T/true that Some are just B/born using S/slashy S/speak, that the Truly Domly always Capitalize Their personal Pronouns in general F/forum C/conversation just to let U/us know that T/they are the Domly Dom Type?

I/i mean, why be what Y/you're not?



DesFIP -> RE: Why be who your not? (3/18/2012 4:13:34 AM)

If a real sub automatically knows when there's a true dom around, then I have to say that there's only one true dom in the world and I'm with him. Because in my whole life, this is the only man I have ever wanted to submit to or could trust enough to submit to. He's the only one I can respect enough.

And yes, that's because most men want the rights but not the responsibilities.

With that said, I get the strong feeling that you want her to submit, or at least keep bottoming to you. And that's why you're trying to talk her out of going for what she needs. So how does it feel to know that the catalyst for this decision of hers is your refusal to be someone trustworthy?



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