Sharing: how does it work in your head?

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Asherscorp1 -> Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 8:34:48 AM)
In my local "group" there are a few couples who are married but one partner belongs to someone who is not their spouse. This prompted a discussion with a friend of mine about how people "share" and what they are comfortable with. So, I pose the question to you, if your Dom plays with different subs or if you are a sub but not to the person you're in a relationship with, how does it work out for you? Is jealously ever an issue? Do you get any say in who your Dom plays with? Does your partner know your Dom?

hellionsLight -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 8:43:58 AM)
I can't tell you cause I have never experienced it. Anything in my head is just...thoughts, it's not real. So I can't go off that. I am looking for a female partner who may or may not be shared (it's up to the girl). That's all I got so far.

OsideGirl -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 8:49:24 AM)
I'm not in this situation, but I've seen it a lot in in the LA scene. In the case of a female sub, married to one man and submissive to another: in the hundreds of instances, I've seen it work just once. I believe it has worked because all parties have clearly defined boundaries and a firm grasp of what happens in each circle. No one was emotionally blackmailed into accepting the situation. In most cases, inevitably, there ends up being a power struggle between the two men and ultimatums get made.

kalikshama -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 8:57:18 AM)
I'm in an open relationship. M is considerate about scheduling and putting my needs first, and feels terrible when he forgets to tell them not to wear perfume. (For some reason I was better about reminding my last D about the no-perfume thing.) I suspect that if I felt the need to veto someone, he'd respect that. The woman last night was especially loud (it was early and they may have had his bedroom door open or have started in the living room.) I was kind of aroused by the sounds and tempted to masturbate, but fell asleep. For people who want monogamy, I support that. For people who want poly or an open relationship, but are having jealousy issues, check out the Jealousy and Conflict chapters in The Ethical Slut.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 9:07:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl I'm not in this situation, but I've seen it a lot in in the LA scene. In the case of a female sub, married to one man and submissive to another: in the hundreds of instances, I've seen it work just once. I believe it has worked because all parties have clearly defined boundaries and a firm grasp of what happens in each circle. No one was emotionally blackmailed into accepting the situation. In most cases, inevitably, there ends up being a power struggle between the two men and ultimatums get made. It is absolutely true that this situation is usually the end result of a lady who is attracted to dominant men and has more than one in here life. There are bound to be conflicts. It's unfortunate but it is the nature of things. It isn't fair (and I'm not being snarky). I try to be as open-minded as possible but there are certain lines that my lad(y/ies) cannot cross in their inter-actions with others. On the other side of the coin, there are certain things that I can avoid doing with more than one lady so that each lady has something that makes her feel special. I have been in relationships where the lady I was with had a guy that was sort of dominant, also. I've been in relationships with dominant ladies that had boy servants. I've been in relationships where two (or more) ladies were submissive to me and I've been in relationships where a lady is submissive to me but just tops the shit out of other women. The key in all of them (for me) is open, honest, free communication and everyone being involved in the relationship. Not putting up walls. I have to find a way for lady A to have some place in my relationship with lady B and vice-versa (use of those letters should *not* be construed to imply a hierachy). In turn, they both have to find a way to include me in some of their "girly time". There's a difference between someone excluding themself and someone feeling excluded. Peace and comfort, Michael

JeffBC -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 9:13:39 AM)
For Carol and I, this is a theoretical situation... but one that we discussed at length and with specific intent. This was one of those parts of "total" that she really, really didn't want to give up. It was (and is to some extent) a problem for her. Is Jealousy ever an issue? Yeah, that and a whole ton of other things. Predictably, given Carol's fairly vanilla and monogamous views on this topic there were a host of emotions stirred up... all of them negative. I had to spend some considerable time retraining her and I'm sure if I ever actually want to do something along these lines it will be a test of our relationship. Do you get any say in who your Dom plays with? Carol gets input into everything. She gets no vote. If this were something simple like "Hey Carol, blow my friend." she'd get very little input. If it were something more complicated like, "We're going to add a 3rd to our marriage" she would get a TON of input. Of course, I'd also be steering her significantly also. Does your partner know your dom? Not relevant to us. I'm her partner and her dom. In general Carol would know anyone I was going to add to the marriage. She may or may not know someone that I had sex with or I wanted her to have sex with.

littleone35 -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 12:13:14 PM)
Master does not share me and if he wanted to or wanted to be with someone else then i would not be his. Yes i admit i am jealous, but i have not been because he gives me no reason to be. I told Master from the start if i agree to be yours i have to be the only one. I do not share, he was ok with that he said if you agree to be mine i won't need anyone else ( how sweet was that). It is just what works for us. Matt's littleone

DesFIP -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 12:21:31 PM)
I'm told it works best if both parties have a different primary partner who is supportive of their spouse's need to get fulfillment of needs the spouse doesn't share. Otherwise, somebody is going home alone and lonely and will inevitably want to get other emotional needs met. But if you both have strong relationships and get your love needs, friendship needs, etc met at home then it's easier to keep the boundaries firm.

OsideGirl -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 12:37:25 PM)
I am going to add: I don't mind sharing him. The key is that he has to be open and honest about it. If he gets to someone that makes me uncomfortable, he allows me to veto. I don't equate sex with love or intimacy, so it doesn't really bother me. What would bother me is lying and deceit.

kalikshama -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 4:26:21 PM)
quote: I don't equate sex with love or intimacy, so it doesn't really bother me. What would bother me is lying and deceit. [sm=goodpost.gif][sm=agree.gif]

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 4:34:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama quote: I don't equate sex with love or intimacy, so it doesn't really bother me. What would bother me is lying and deceit. [sm=goodpost.gif][sm=agree.gif] More agreement. I can be sexually monogamous, and if my next partner is that kind of a guy, I can do that for him. But I am always going to have more than one playmate, there is just no such thing as one person that's my everything. Hugh had this idea that polyamory meant that I could find the photos later and not be pissed off... which was kind of missing the point. I wasn't pissed off, and she and I had some great laughs at a later date---the issue is TRANSPARENCY. At the same time, I am not a big "sharer" anymore. With my sisters, anything goes. With the world at large? I am just too possessive and too PROTECTIVE. I feel responsible for my "stuff", even when that stuff has perfectly good judgment of his own to fall back on. I need to know what's happening. I'm a needy old broad!

Winterapple -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/19/2012 7:36:01 PM)
FR I think the key to it is honesty. Honesty between partners and honesty with yourself. If you're only tolerating it I think you're going to start storing up a lot of resentment.

kittycake -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/22/2012 5:22:18 PM)
I am currently in a monogamous relationship, which is something of a first for me. In the past, I've tended to have a vanilla (usually male) partner, and a dominant (usually female) partner. They'd know of each other, and meet a few times, but mostly it was a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. However, we all communicated very well when it came to jealousy, and managed to work things out. If Sir wanted to open our relationship, I honestly think I'd have some issues with it. Although I've never really been monogamous, this is also my first relationship that is both vanilla and D/s, and I'm liking it very much. I wouldn't want to share him. Fortunately, I don't think he wants to share me either.

slaverachel2Him -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/24/2012 3:51:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1 In my local "group" there are a few couples who are married but one partner belongs to someone who is not their spouse. This prompted a discussion with a friend of mine about how people "share" and what they are comfortable with. So, I pose the question to you, if your Dom plays with different subs or if you are a sub but not to the person you're in a relationship with, how does it work out for you? Is jealously ever an issue? Do you get any say in who your Dom plays with? Does your partner know your Dom? Master has us declared us monogamous. We have been open previously and should He choose to can share me with another or take another slave. i will remain monogamous with the exception of who He has use me. i have zero desire to Dominate another so a 2nd slave would be the alpha and i would serve them both. He has discussed this from time to time but is so far not acting on it. i am His slave and His property and His to direct and use.

LoreBook -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/24/2012 5:21:50 PM)
I'm in a "sharing" situation that is very new, so I can't really answer with any authority. I am in an established relationship with the MATH, but it is a romantic vanilla relationship. I have just started a semi-casual kinky relationship with TNG, we'll see how that goes before it gets less casual. At this point there is no jealousy or anything, the MATH is happy with the situation, he and TNG get along well. As far as input goes, as long as the MATH and I are together, then he doesn't have input into who I play with so much as he has a veto. With TNG, well nobody gets any say in her relationships but her.

VioletViolence -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/24/2012 6:19:39 PM)
I don't share well. I learned this from 5 years of doing poly and I have no desire to ever go back. I'm too possessive as well as desiring someone who wants me and me alone to feel emotionally secure in a relationship where my partner is intimate (emotionally or sexually) with someone else (and I am the sort to put intimacy and sex in the same category, so I'm not good at casual sex either LOL).

whisper676 -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/27/2012 9:51:13 AM)
I'm married to a relatively vanilla man. Love him dearly, we have great vanilla sex, enjoy hanging out together, have a family together. That being said, I also love to serve another. And my husband loves to let me (as long as he's able to watch sometimes-- that's his kink). I do my own searching and chatting and getting to know someone. When I think it has the potential to become a relationship, I let my husband know, and he scrolls through various emails and chats that I've had with the Dom. My husband chats with the Dom, we have three way chats, so that we're all comfortable with the situation and each other, before we even meet. My husband always has input in all aspects of this. I don't know that he'd ever tell me not to see someone, because he knows that even though I may serve another, he knows that he's number one in my heart, and that I'll put our marriage ahead of my personal needs. Because he's comfortable in us, our marriage, he is comfortable with letting me find what I need to be complete.

Azanthis -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/27/2012 5:01:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: whisper676 I'm married to a relatively vanilla man. Love him dearly, we have great vanilla sex, enjoy hanging out together, have a family together. That being said, I also love to serve another. And my husband loves to let me (as long as he's able to watch sometimes-- that's his kink). I do my own searching and chatting and getting to know someone. When I think it has the potential to become a relationship, I let my husband know, and he scrolls through various emails and chats that I've had with the Dom. My husband chats with the Dom, we have three way chats, so that we're all comfortable with the situation and each other, before we even meet. My husband always has input in all aspects of this. I don't know that he'd ever tell me not to see someone, because he knows that even though I may serve another, he knows that he's number one in my heart, and that I'll put our marriage ahead of my personal needs. Because he's comfortable in us, our marriage, he is comfortable with letting me find what I need to be complete. that's beautiful!!! :) if i ever do get marries, i would hope that would be our situation as well. that said, to the OP i have absolutely no choice in who Master plays with. i make suggestions if i think there is someone He may enjoy, etc, and i may or may not be allowed to be there or to watch. i had sister subs who i could play with but then it was with His permission, which made sense since whether we're allowed to play or not at all is up to Him. buuut, if He decided to let me have a relationship outside of M/s (and if i wanted to) then i would have to make sure that person not only knew where i stand with Master but was comfortable with it. i had one friend who, while i was serving my first Mistress, wanted to date me regardless, and had absolutely no problem with not being included in my M/s relationship. he even enjoyed talking about it, since he had his own kinks. that said, i also had a relationship later on with my Daddy, and though he was kinda vanilla swirl, he was very jealous that anyone but him could decide whether i could cum, or when i was and was not available to play with him. He and Mistress ended up having to work that out between themselves, and even then there was tension there. so i guess it really has depended on the dynamics of the relationships themselves and the people in them.

slaveluci -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/27/2012 7:22:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl I am going to add: I don't mind sharing him. The key is that he has to be open and honest about it. If he gets to someone that makes me uncomfortable, he allows me to veto. I don't equate sex with love or intimacy, so it doesn't really bother me. What would bother me is lying and deceit. Ditto. That sums it up for me as well......luci

LPslittleclip -> RE: Sharing: how does it work in your head? (3/27/2012 8:50:48 PM)
my vanilla wife is very understanding and allows me to serve my Mistress LadyPact. the green eyed monster showed up once for me unexpected when i watched my Mistress play with another for the first time i had to walk away and think about it to get myself right. my Mistress is Herself married and He is ok with Her having a slave. i belong to my Mistress not to both but am respectfull to Him. my wife has had x-mas and a birthday with my Mistress and B/both my Mistress and wife have their phone numbers so can contact anytime.

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