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subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 5:32:09 PM   
Elric2323


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/20/2007
Status: offline 		Hello all,
I am looking for a bit of advice or feedback. I have met a woman on CM, she listed herself as a slave, I am leaning towards being a subbie myself. We went out a few times and are getting along quite well. Nothing has really happened yet besides some enjoyable holding hands and some kissing in the parking lot. We both have kids which is working out well, she is very busy with a lot of things but we are still planning on getting together. (we saw each other 3 times so far, 2 times with the kids, movies etc.)

We have not yet had a chance to really talk about her ideas of a relationship so I was wondering if anybody had experiences in that regard or advice to give as to how to behave. I am a bit worried that I am too polite and considerate and such and the idea of dominating a woman for other reasons then bedroom kink are a bit far out for me.

Any comments appreciated,

Dirk
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 5:42:04 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		First, you need to change your ideas that dominant men are not polite and considerate.
Since both of you met here and are listing yourselves as slave/submissives, were your intentions
to meet in hopes of forming a relationship, or just casual get togethers as you have done so far.

It seems she likes your behavior so far, or there wouldn't be any plans for future get togethers.
But to change yourself in order to be more appealing to her won't be fair to either of you.
Ask yourself what your expectations are from this relationship first, and then discuss it with her.


_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Elric2323)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 6:56:36 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Yes, you can both have a healthy relationship. Focus on pleasing each other. Learn to top (not dominate) each other. Top her in the way she enjoys being topped and get pleasure from doing it for her. And vice versa.

If in fact you later on decide you do need a dominant in your lives, you could open the relationship as long as it is understood that the relationship is primary, and that either of you can say you need to close it again if you feel the relationship is suffering.

If both of you are focused on pleasing each other, instead of changing each other, and you keep the communication going, it should have as much chance of surviving as any other relationship. Perhaps better because people pleasers usually don't take each other for granted.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 7:36:28 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		OP

I'm really glad you posted this, because I was actually have the same thoughts. My first big crush back in college was a bottom, as was I, and neither of us was willing to take a risk or get creative... and boy do I wish I had a time machine.

My first wife and I--both started as subs....she was new to BDSM, and I became her Dom. Over time, she learned she liked being the one in charge, she became my Domme and I was her boy. we were together a long time--and our sex life was always pretty steamy.

It's so hard to find someone you really click with--if you really like her and it's going well, don't let the roles get in the way. One or both of you might change over time, or you may find a way to fulfill both of your submissive sides. Good luck to you both--

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 9:09:37 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		It certainly wouldn't work for me. I need a dominant and assertive man who takes leadership of me and our relationship.

However, that isn't to say it can't work for you. If you two genuinely like each other and get along well, it could be possible to come to compromise--focus on pleasing each other, as DesFIP said.

Also, this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
First, you need to change your ideas that dominant men are not polite and considerate.
Consideration and dominance are not mutually exclusive.

(in reply to Elric2323)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 9:24:23 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I can't help feeling like a poise groupie today... but read her answer... a few times.

I'll add on to that, how can any of us know the answer to your question? I can tell you that for me there is no particular BDSM role which is all that important. Sure, I love being Carol's master. But I love a great relationship even more... a lot more actually. But that's me. How does that in any way apply to you? Only you two can figure out if you're going to be able to meet each other's needs or not. That is most likely going to require honest and forthright communication.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Elric2323)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/20/2012 11:16:52 PM   
VanessaChaland


Posts: 362
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		Follow your heart and have open and honest discussions between the two of you.

_____________________________

If you want to know more about me and my interests, Google my name.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 7:55:57 AM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline
quote:

I am a bit worried that I am too polite and considerate and such and the idea of dominating a woman for other reasons then bedroom kink are a bit far out for me.


Master is the most polite and considerate man I have ever met. Does that make him look less dominant to me? No, that just turns me, cause I know he can be nice and forceful at the same time :)

_____________________________


(in reply to VanessaChaland)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 8:09:57 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		For some, the D/s isn't as important as the relationship. If they find a true connection with someone, they are happy with that regardless of if it falls into a certain category or not. As others have suggested, keep honest communication going with her and see how you both feel along the way. If it works, why second guess it?

For long term you'd both have to project some into the future and see if you could be happy with having your relationship needs met and your D/s needs fall more to the side. Some people have to have a certain exact thing for dinner prepared a certain way, some are happy with healthy food cooked in a pleasing manner. I'm more of a relationship type person myself, if I'm happy with the man, he doesn't necessarily need to fit a certain mold- I can adapt. The man and our relationship together are what tend to make me happy, not the roles we fit. That's just me, see where the two of you fall on the spectrum.

(in reply to Elric2323)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 10:09:19 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I can tell you what it's like from the other side of the fence.

I am one half of a D/D couple.  Our relationship works the same way as you would expect from the people across the street.  We have no dynamic.  We don't switch for play.  We're just us.  This coming Friday, we will have been married for ten years. 

To make this work, we did become poly.  We both play with other people to get our wants met.  It was a journey getting here, but I promise you that it can be done.  When you love someone, it can be a great thing!

Yes, there are going to be questions.  "How can you have a relationship with someone who isn't your D/s partner?" is the one that gets asked most frequently.  It's the easiest answer in the world.  It's because you love who you love and the rest of that stuff doesn't matter.

I say go for it. 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 10:16:07 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*wants to be LadyP if I ever grow up*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 2:22:07 PM   
Elric2323


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/20/2007
Status: offline 		thank you all for your replies, i will make sure i will take everything into consideration. the thing that is on my mind the most is the fact that she sees herself as a slave, not a subbie. i consider myself to me a strong willed person but i have this strong antipathy against domination of those weaker then oneself (for example women, children, animals). but she does not seem to be a weak person herself, so i will just take it slow and see where it goes.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 2:27:27 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I would have to say that the longer my Dominant and I are together the less important our 'labels' seem to be. We put more stock in them before, it seems as though we've grown away from having to be any particular thing to each other. We're just ourselves and we happen to work well together. He is still Dominant and I am submissive, but that seems kind of beside the point of relating to each other as a couple.

(in reply to Elric2323)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 2:37:49 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elric2323

Hello all,
I am looking for a bit of advice or feedback. I have met a woman on CM, she listed herself as a slave, I am leaning towards being a subbie myself. We went out a few times and are getting along quite well. Nothing has really happened yet besides some enjoyable holding hands and some kissing in the parking lot. We both have kids which is working out well, she is very busy with a lot of things but we are still planning on getting together. (we saw each other 3 times so far, 2 times with the kids, movies etc.)

We have not yet had a chance to really talk about her ideas of a relationship so I was wondering if anybody had experiences in that regard or advice to give as to how to behave. I am a bit worried that I am too polite and considerate and such and the idea of dominating a woman for other reasons then bedroom kink are a bit far out for me.

Any comments appreciated,


It won't end well if one or both of you tries to be something you're not. But sure, you can still have what amounts to a normal hetero/vanilla relationship. It's rare that LadyPact and I agree on anything but love can transcend many obstacles and that you'll probably have to go outside the personal relationship for D/s needs. As long as you're both honest and open with each other and especially with any 3rd party you're likely to wanna include, sure it can work. Just a matter of sorting out the "rules of engagement"....

As for being a polite and considerate Dom, my style includes having taken some inspiration from WWII type movies of Gestapo officers who've had the most immaculate good manners within their alround menacing manner. When I'm taking charge of my girl, I'm always polite and considerate when I address or generally deal with her. Which is why I never address her as slut/whore/bitch etc as many a stereotype Dom does. When I'm pleased with her, I call her "girl"; when I'm not, she hears her full christian name in suitably menacing tone.... And of course she already knows about consequences if I'm not pleased.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Elric2323)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 3:37:37 PM   
CaptJosh


Posts: 69
Joined: 3/12/2012
Status: offline 		Ah, but what about degrees of displeasure? e.g. starting with just full first name for mild displeasure, then, presuming three names, first and middle name for a stronger displeasure, and then for full on "you're in for it now" territory, the full name.

_____________________________

CaptJosh

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world:
those who understand binary and those who don't.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 5:37:02 PM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline 		It's possible, difficult (in my experience) but possible.

You can learn to top one another as other's have suggested, or explore poly of course. Another option would be to see a pro together regularly so you both have subby time together so to speak.

Talk to the other person and gather their thoughts too, and good luck! :)

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to CaptJosh)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 10:07:02 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaptJosh

Ah, but what about degrees of displeasure? e.g. starting with just full first name for mild displeasure, then, presuming three names, first and middle name for a stronger displeasure, and then for full on "you're in for it now" territory, the full name.


It's not just the actual name, but the tone and circumstances of its use.

In the presence of vanilla types, it's simply her name. But when it's just us, it's her cue to pay attention to my words, body language, mood and esp my eyes; that she *may* be in some degree of trouble.

It's all in the delivery....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to CaptJosh)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: subbie male + slave female. relationship possible??? - 3/21/2012 10:23:59 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

 It's rare that LadyPact and I agree on anything ......

Focus.

Oh, come now, Focus.  It isn't that rare. 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 18
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