Self-control

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pinkee -> Self-control (6/3/2006 10:09:09 PM)
i have been told, and believe, that a truely Dominant Man has self-control, particularly over negative emotions. Is this true? Would this be the case across the board, or just in the context of a D/s or M/s relationship? What about lapses -- loss of control? Does it stem from "Everyone makes mistakes" or it is a sign of lack of true Dominance? Thank You in advance for Your guidance on the matter. pinkee

Wulfchyld -> RE: Self-control (6/3/2006 10:13:17 PM)
At some point even the strongest may slip. The question is how often is a slip acceptable.

WinterWolf -> RE: Self-control (6/3/2006 10:52:11 PM)
As a Daddy/Dom, I must always be readu to deal with something negative or unhappy in any aspect of life. Since no one is perfect, I believe that it is not lack of a good Dom if someone gets upset and loses a bit of emotional control, but a better sign is how they deal with it. How the communication is. And how/what they learn from it. Some things that used to get my upset when I was young, I don't even bat an eye at now, because I understand it, have been through it and learned form it.

stef -> RE: Self-control (6/3/2006 11:03:37 PM)
Under all the trappings, a "truely Dominant Man" is just another human being. Self-control is a trait of any well adjusted human being no matter what end of the whip they find themselves on. Part of being a human being is that sometimes we're overcome by our emotions. Unless you fancy spending your time with an automaton, dealing with those emotions is going to be an unavoidable part of the deal. I can't help but think that you're fabricating unrealistic expectations for your "dream dom" and you're going to be very disappointed when no one you meet ever comes close to meeting your lofty requirements. ~stef

amayos -> RE: Self-control (6/3/2006 11:04:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinkee i have been told, and believe, that a truely Dominant Man has self-control, particularly over negative emotions. Is this true? Would this be the case across the board, or just in the context of a D/s or M/s relationship? What about lapses -- loss of control? Does it stem from "Everyone makes mistakes" or it is a sign of lack of true Dominance? Self sovereignty is the key to mastery over one's negative emotions—but that's only half of it. For it is true that a Master, in being thus, has first and foremost mastered himself and all desire that would trip or lure him from his base. With a clever female he will be tested; if he fails in this test he is not her Master, and she will understand this at least on some level. As for lapses of control, we are all human, and none of us are perfect. It is imperative, however, that a Master remain strong and consistent during the time he is molding his girl. Once she has been conditioned and internalization of her own will to faithfully and truly adore has been fostered, he may slacken his grip. There is nothing more pleasing to me than a girl who is good both inwardly and outwardly so when I'm not looking. When she is not merely a servant, but an acolyte; a bird I release into the air which will always come back to me.

DesertRat -> RE: Self-control (6/3/2006 11:36:00 PM)
It's impossible to have total control over negative emotions. They happen to us all. It is possible to avoid being overpowered by the negative, but I don't think a person can do that 100% of the time. It is, however, possible to recognize when one is feeling overcome and to avoid extreme actions that might result from the loss of perspective. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly the thing to do. Let it cool; let it pass. My thoughts, anyway. I have backed away from the edge of anger and/or fear many times and thus avoided doing or saying things I would later regret. Do I have a perfect record? Hell no, but I am working on it. I'll give myself credit for being aware of the potential danger and for not succumbing to the point of doing irreparable damage to myself and others. I do manage to fuck up bigtime on occasion. Bob

juliaoceania -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 1:11:57 AM)
I am seeing someone currently that is of the opinion that self control is of the utmost importance in his dominance over his submissive. He has stated this other places as well as directly to me. He does not allow others to influence his emotional states in a negative way, although he does let others influence his emotional states in a positive manner. I really like this about him. I do not worry I will "make" him "angry" for example. It is reassuring to know that is so. I do not like being around angry people anyways. I will say that in the short time I have known him it has been a positive experience because he is in control over his own feelings, and he does not expect others to take responsibility for them. He has taught me a lot about this concept... and being less judgmental in addition to being more tolerant. I feel it is very important for a dominant to be in control over their anger at the very least, because if they are not they can easily harm a submissive. As others have said, we all have negative feelings, it is what we do about them that counts.

Johm1902 -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 2:07:06 AM)
A Dominant, but I think generally speaking some one should have self control over their emotions. However a true Dominant imho should be in control all the time over his emotions and specifically towards his sub/slave. He is her Teacher and guides her, so if he is not in control, he will not be able to gain her trust. However in a relation there is more then only D/s or M/s and a Dominant also is just a human being and also sometimes needs someone to discuss his uncertainty with. A Dominant is no machine, but true self-control does not mean He is not allowed to discuss and talk about his feelings and emotions, also the negative ones. It means he should be able to deal with it in a positive way and get over it quickly.

Tikkiee -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 2:22:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinkee i have been told, and believe, that a truely Dominant Man has self-control, particularly over negative emotions. Is this true? Would this be the case across the board, or just in the context of a D/s or M/s relationship? What about lapses -- loss of control? Does it stem from "Everyone makes mistakes" or it is a sign of lack of true Dominance? Thank You in advance for Your guidance on the matter. pinkee Even though I am in no way dominant [&:], I am going to answer this anyway simply because I am being a bit aggressive tonight. Dominants are human. Masters are human. Submissives are human. Slaves are human. We all share a wonderful quality called emotion [:)] Most learn at an early age how to control their emotions. But, being human, we sometimes lose that very tenous hold that we have over them. Now, I am sorry, but to me, saying that a Master/Dominant does not right have the right to be human, simply because he/she is a Master/Dominant is just ludicrious. It's how the loss of control is excercised that should be the focus; not whether or not the loss occured. Of course, this is just my own personal opinion. [:D]

PlayfulOne -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 6:44:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tikkiee It's how the loss of control is excercised that should be the focus; not whether or not the loss occured. Exactly ( gotta love those smart women, winks) , we are all human and pass through the whole range of emotions. It's not whether you are having a bad day, get irritated, upset, even angry, but how you handle it. K

Alumbrado -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 8:37:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinkee i have been told, and believe, that a truely Dominant Man has self-control, particularly over negative emotions... This is a lovely notion. I've heard it said about other 'True"{tm}labels... "A True black belt doesn't lose self control"....."A Truely religious person puts other first" Never seen it happen that way in real life. I have seen people go through life working on their self control, etc...some with very good results... But you don't just slip into being self controlled the way you might slip into a pair of leather pants.

puella -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 10:07:15 AM)
amayos, You always say the most wonderfully provocative things! I do think it is important to remember that both partners in this relationship are flawed and will err. If there is more than just the desire to have your immediate needs met, I think that there is plenty of room for error, and from that growth and a deeper bonding. Without that, there is usually only failure and loss.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 10:58:34 AM)
You should read the thread on a dom having an achille's heel. Good relationships don't form by perfect people being perfect in them, but by open people who work together to get past the less than perfect moment.

pinkee -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 11:15:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella amayos, You always say the most wonderfully provocative things! I do think it is important to remember that both partners in this relationship are flawed and will err. If there is more than just the desire to have your immediate needs met, I think that there is plenty of room for error, and from that growth and a deeper bonding. Without that, there is usually only failure and loss. Hey puella, i like amayos' posts as well; but i miss His old avatar...so sexy, lmao. Anyway; i think i may not have been clear. I mean behavior: temper tantrums, etc......not merely experiencing negative emotions. Thankies, pinkee

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 11:39:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinkee Anyway; i think i may not have been clear. I mean behavior: temper tantrums, etc......not merely experiencing negative emotions. Thankies, pinkee Again it depends. An occasional emotional outburst can be fine, even healthy. Fights happen too, when both people just let their emotions go high and mighty. The issue is how often it happens, why it happens and whether it affects the overall fulfillment in the relationship. And again, this has nothing to do with Ds- if a persons emotional outbursts prevent them from being a stable positive healthy partner in a relationship, it doesn't matter what orientation they are.

SweetSarijane -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 11:52:10 AM)
Dominants are human. Being a Dominant doesn't give you special powers or the ability to be perfect. Everyone male, female, Dom, sub, kinky, vanilla, etc. has negative emotions that can build up and overflow or burst out. No one is perfect, not even a Dom.

BitaTruble -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 11:59:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinkee i have been told, and believe, that a truely Dominant Man has self-control, particularly over negative emotions. Is this true? Would this be the case across the board, or just in the context of a D/s or M/s relationship? What about lapses -- loss of control? Does it stem from "Everyone makes mistakes" or it is a sign of lack of true Dominance? Thank You in advance for Your guidance on the matter. pinkee I'll get back to you after my hot flash is over. [8D] Celeste

Wulfchyld -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 12:24:02 PM)
A Dom/me having a temper tantrum. That would be a funny sight. All I could think about would be hanging them by the thumbs and whipping them like a very bad slave.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 12:41:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld A Dom/me having a temper tantrum. That would be a funny sight. No kidding! In two years of ownership, Master has never had a temper tantrum. Ever. I think it was scare the crap out of me if he did, for many reasons. Has he been angry? Hell yes, but never to the point of losing self control. I had to omit the rest of your quote. I couldn't bear the visual. Heheheh...

CrappyDom -> RE: Self-control (6/4/2006 1:33:58 PM)
It was only after I attained the 9th level of dominate that I gained complete mastery of all emotions. I was then granted the "Ears of Spock" as I had gained complete control over myself and all desires, lusts, and fears. I am now a true dominate... But before I got to that shit, oh boy I did all kinds a shit. I attacked people on the boards who pissed me off, I roared at idiots who did things I didn't like, I growled at children, even stole their candy. I took women's hearts and crushed them like eggshells. In general I acted like one of the many people here we call "others"... However, since so many are perfect here, that is what must explain the vast preponderance of posts not about how to fix things that are broken, or "is this wrong" but are instead almost exclusively about how to make the nearly perfect absolutely perfect. Oh the joy to be in total self control...

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