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whtsubf4DOM -> molested as child/sub as an adult (6/3/2006 11:17:00 PM)

I saw a posting earlier today from a woman who wanted to know about the mindset of people who have been sexually abused in some way and want the scene recreated. Unfortunately, I couldn't find that thread when I decided I wanted to respond.

I have a white male friend, 41, who was molested and raped by his best friend's black parents from the age of 11 to 13. These scumbags would sometimes take him to their friends' house and just drop him off on the porch for their friends' pleasure. My friend never told his parents and has only told one or two people about all that. He remembers everything in vivid detail and broke down and bawled when he told me about it two years ago. He never got counseling and it is haunting him today. He is now trying to cope with his past through the BDSM lifestyle, but it seems to only be bringing deeper despair.

He is a sub and will submit to any black guy and do ANYTHING for them. He also will submit to BBW Dommes (his best friend's mother was a bbw). He thinks this is all he was meant to be and has told me that he could never be the man that he sometimes dreams of being. So he sticks with being submissive because it's all he knows.It really disturbed me when tonight he told me that he was going to quit his job because he hated working in general and all he wanted to do was serve a black master. He also invited this black master to live with him after only spending today with him. My friend has never even been that hasty about moving his ex girlfriends in. He is very cautious about stuff like that and takes things slowly. It doesn't help that he was drunk, which he always manages to be before each session.

I Dommed him until he told me his story. He is so special to me that I couldn't bear to lay more hurt on him. In my opinion, he is ill and needs counseling. He has oftentimes admitted that to me. He has wanted me to play the role of Mrs. Wilkinson, one of the black ladies who molested him.

His Master has no idea about his past. My question is this: Do Masters really care? Should they care?

It's a sad, sad situation.



MistyMenthal -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/3/2006 11:26:01 PM)

It's the same as do Mistresses really care?
 
Yes they do!
 
If they have a Heart and care about a
Subs feelings yes then they care...
 
A Sub would know pretty much early on
whether or not The Domm cares or worries about
their Sub or Slave.
Or Swith for that matter.
 
BLOWING KISSES Misty
 
P/S. I look to see if the Doms shows "Feelings" and how
long it takes them to do that?
 



TxBlkMistress -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/3/2006 11:26:02 PM)

yes, masters and mistress' should definitely care.  A slave's job is to serve me, but my job is the care and well being of my slave.  That is the trust he has in me and I take it very seriously. 

I had a guy want to submit to me, but he had been in one abusive relationship after another, and he always over lapped them.  I turned him down.  I am not a therapist.  He was very angry and hurt, but I told him he needed professional help first, he said he would and he kept pushing, but that would not be fair.  He was already taken advantage of by one couple, the situation was so sad it made me cry...

They've got to learn that bdsm is no substitue for therapy

sorry for the ramble..lol



whtsubf4DOM -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/3/2006 11:34:55 PM)

I know what you mean about the tears. I've been crying all day today. My friend is completely broken. He wants so much more for his life, but is scared sh--less to pursue counseling because he doesn't want to dredge all that pain up again. He just sticks with the familiar because it's "safe."

My heart hurts for him...



TxBlkMistress -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 12:11:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: whtsubf4DOM

I know what you mean about the tears. I've been crying all day today. My friend is completely broken. He wants so much more for his life, but is scared sh--less to pursue counseling because he doesn't want to dredge all that pain up again. He just sticks with the familiar because it's "safe."

My heart hurts for him...


I know what you mean...I hope you get to be there for him.  With this guy I tried to be friends with him, but he was just too far gone.  Unlike you and the guy you are talking about, we were not friends, he was recommended by another Domme, so there was not connection. 

He was just all about trying to get me to take him, and I was trying to get him to get some help.  You just go crazy trying to make them see reason...so after a while if they won't help themselves you have to walk away before they make you nuts too, so I hope he sees the light in time.



Tikkiee -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 2:32:00 AM)

quote:

Do Masters really care? Should they care?

Do they really care. Absolutly and without a doubt.
Should they care? Absolutly and without a doubt.
 
Now as to the fact that your friend has not told his partner about this. He needs to. For his own safety.



SaphireLynn -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 2:50:38 AM)

Do We care? If the Dom/me does not care for the slave/sub then how can We really do what is best for him/her? That does not mean We need to Love them but to care about the safety and welfare of them is part of the responciblility of ownership.



Devilsdaughter -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 3:02:39 AM)

Hmm,  I know the pain of child molestation.  I'm a submissive living with the pain of molestation/abuse from my childhood.   Its a odd thing being drawn to this lifestyle when you come from abuse.
The pain for me is an everyday fight.  I have to fight off the memories in order to function.  Unless you've lived it you can't really appreciate what being abused sexually as a child does to your mind..
My abuser was my father!  I was abused from the age of 7 until I was removed from his house at 11..
The things he did to me were unspeakable but I can't forget them!  I can't stop remembering them!  They haunt me, torture me.  There are days I'm swimming in my own tears and night I can't sleep do to the nitemares of the MAN!
It destroys your life.  The child becomes something other than what he/she was intended to be..  Hell on earth, thats what it is..
God bless your friend.  Hold him tight.. 



SeekingaServant -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 3:33:34 AM)

I was reading this and wanted to put my own quick two cents in before bed.
I wonder if the need to recreate the scene and the same characters from this past trauma are in some way motivated by the deep seated (and false) hope that he can change the past if he does something in the now.  If he is really far gone into this, by not telling his new Master then he could be putting the Master in terrible danger. When a Dominant pushes the boundaries and limits S/He needs to know what they are and why they are there. The boundaries this friend has, are buried deep by trauma and when the Dom goes to push them, instead the sub could snap and have a physcotic break. 

*these statements are just MHO, not meant to forcast the future or diagnose any problems.* 

Also IMHO being sub, your friend I mean, is not "safe". Please, lean on him a little harder to seek the help he needs.



Level -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 4:11:08 AM)

As for "masters caring", some do and some don't. Dominants are human beings, not some fountain of super-ethics. Your friend does indeed sound as if he could use some professional help, maybe it would assist him in seeing how destructive his behaviour is.
 
Level



irishbynature -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 5:11:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

As for "masters caring", some do and some don't. Dominants are human beings, not some fountain of super-ethics. Your friend does indeed sound as if he could use some professional help, maybe it would assist him in seeing how destructive his behaviour is.
 
Level


I totally agree with Level on this issue. Dom/sub/Master/slave: has no bearing on whether they care about their sub/slave any more or "less". The male sub may simply be attempting to relive older tramuas via the lifestyle, instead of understanding the nature of mutual power exchange.

I find it admirable that you stopped the relationship because you recognized the situation and I also admire Doms/Dommes that care about the mental well-being of their lovers.

I wish that person all the best in their recovery from such abuse.



talibahh -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 5:48:11 AM)

 
i am very sorry to hear about your friend's pain and anguish and past. i can't even begin to imagine what he is going, and has gone through.
 
IMHO he needs professional help and if he is so afraid of re-living the past (and who can blame him), then why not look for a therapist who uses hypnotherapy?  There are a lot of alternatives in professional help, than merely sitting on the couch of a psychiatrist or therapist and rehashing the past.
 
He needs loads of support, love and encouragement, and by the sounds of You, You need support in this too. Perhaps You could help by seeing what options are available in Your area and then talk with him about them?, when he is sobber and approachable.
 
There is no easy answer to this... he needs to be at a place within himself to want to seek the help he so desperately needs. Maybe him telling You is his way of reaching out for help... maybe if You offered to pick him up and go with him and sit outside waiting for him while he goes in to see the therapist he wouldnt feel so alone and afraid...  just a thought...
 
i wish You both love and peace...
tali



sweetbbwsub31 -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:00:31 AM)

The way I see it, someone who was abused has two choices. He/she can let it take over their life -or- He/she can put it in the past and move on.

I chose the latter. Life is too short to dwell on something you had no control over and can't change.
 
I have very little respect for people who use childhood abuse as an excuse to drink/do drugs/ be in destructive relationships. If you need therapy- get it. No one can help you until you let them.
 
Using BDSM to attempt to heal is bad news. So many things can happen to trigger memories. It is so very important to let your partner know what happened so they can avoid certain things.
 
Also, I just don't understand why someone could be with a Dom/Domme that doesn't care about them. Please help me understand for I could never submit to someone who didn't care about me. Where does the trust come from?
 
sub tara



ShiftedJewel -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:10:45 AM)

Been there, done that... only it was my grandfather. Luckily for me most of my childhood is a blank,.. little to no memory at all. (probably due to the nervous breakdown eleven and again at fourteen) My little sister wasn't so lucky, she remembers. We are three years apart and just recently, (a few years ago) she told me I was her hero back then, I alway protected her from him. Maybe that's why I don't have all the memories, I took the brunt of it on purpose and my mind protected me? It's almost surreal, the memories I do have most sincerely have a "cut off" point, I remember the first minute or so... then nothing... no foggy images, no partial thoughts... just blank. So I romantize myself and think, even then my mind was protecting itself. But I won't kid you... I had enough memories to screw up the first half of my adult life.
 
How do you beat it? Talk about it... bring it out and slam it down on the table and beat it to death with words. Dissect it and all the feelings you have about it then get angry... get very angry! Beat the hell out of the nearest unsuspecting pillow, scream and yell and throw fits. Demand to the universe to know why this happened? And when you are done, sob and hug the people that love you and embrace the fact that you are truly loved. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... but it's one hellova ride getting there.
 
Jewel



sublizzie -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:11:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: whtsubf4DOM
I Dommed him until he told me his story. He is so special to me that I couldn't bear to lay more hurt on him. In my opinion, he is ill and needs counseling. He has oftentimes admitted that to me. He has wanted me to play the role of Mrs. Wilkinson, one of the black ladies who molested him.

His Master has no idea about his past. My question is this: Do Masters really care? Should they care?

It's a sad, sad situation.



It is a sad situation. If he'd spend some time with a therapist he'd learn that he is not alone and that there are ways to make the pain lessen, then disappear. Spending his time reliving his experiences is not making the pain go away. If anything it is making it worse and increasing his self-loathing. People end up committing suicide by taking his route.

I spent my time doing therapy to help me over my childhood sexual abuse. There are things I am very careful about approaching in this lifestyle because I do not want to accidentally trigger a flashback. The Dom/mes I know well are also very careful with me because they are aware of my background.



OneLotusFlower -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:20:10 AM)

wow, I feel I found myself and are amongst the many that are like me; here to be and enjoy, not out of anger, but release, the release to free oneself from self destructions.  Thank You.



sophia37 -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:25:35 AM)

I find this post very disturbing. Your friend needs more than therapy. I believe he actually needs in house care. I only say this coming from a sexually abusive background myself. So I know the system in a lot of ways I wish I never knew.

 I think its time he confronted his past. And this will most definetly exhaust him. This is not some, I had a little touchy feelie escapade with my sister at age 7.  This is the stuff for the mental health professional. Not a dom Sub situation.  He must allow himself to fall to the floor, which is where he must rise from. Very sad really. He has been treated very badly. It could make you cry to hear of such abuse.

For me, I couldnt be around him. Absolutely not. As a thinking feeling eprson, you will be completely swallowed by it if you involve yourself too much. Since he's playing sub to your Dom my only thought would be to command him to get the help. If he wont then well, wish him well then shut the door tight and dont answer the phone. For your own well being. This my friend is what I believe to be a crushing load and way to big for you to try to carry. Sorry. Its gonna have to be tuff love for sure with this one. Just imagine what he's trying to carry. uck. What a mess. 



Tikkiee -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:25:50 AM)

quote:

Using BDSM to attempt to heal is bad news. So many things can happen to trigger memories. It is so very important to let your partner know what happened so they can avoid certain things. 
 

Maybe in your view, yes. But for many others, BDSM has actually been the exact 'therapy' that they needed to get past the trauma. The difference with these and the OP is that he has not informed his Master. Which is selfish, and dangerous in my eyes.



KennelDeSade2 -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 6:52:32 AM)

Should they care?  I can only say that if I found that I did not, I would know I was becoming a monster. 
Do they care?  For myself, how could I not love, one who trusts me thus?

It does now mean however, that it will be simple, easy, or painless.



Gem -> RE: molested as child/sub as an adult (6/4/2006 7:18:37 AM)

Brightest Blessings
 
The way I see it, someone who was abused has two choices. He/she can let it take over their life -or- He/she can put it in the past and move on.

I chose the latter. Life is too short to dwell on something you had no control over and can't change.>>>>>
 
Easier said then done many times, congrats to you on your mental health and your ability to take control, many others like us are not so lucky, or have used all their resources just to stay alive. When we heal, or thrive sometimes it is easy to look at others and say "come on get over it and live" because we know how wonderful life can be when we heal, however sometimes we have to step outside ourselves and see with another's eyes, to understand that we are all unique, they have done the biggest hurrdle, they have survived the terror of the 3 rd ring of hell. Some take more time to decide to thrive, and for them we must be a wee bit patient.
 
I have very little respect for people who use childhood abuse as an excuse to drink/do drugs/ be in destructive relationships. If you need therapy- get it. No one can help you until you let them. >>>>

There are moments in ones life where you just want to be free of the torment even for just a few hours/days. Many have no idea that they need to let somebody in, or that ingraining of shhh it's a secret if you tell anybody something worse than death will happen: they just know they have a great hurt that doesn't go away unless they are in an altered state. As to destructive relationships, well we learn how to love often times at our abusers knee, thus anger, hatred and abuse become our guide to how relationships are suppose to work. Our thinking is backwards, we do not know what is healthy and what is not, we only know what we were taught.
 
Using BDSM to attempt to heal is bad news. So many things can happen to trigger memories. It is so very important to let your partner know what happened so they can avoid certain things. >>>

Sometimes some of us are so far gone that traditional thearpy does not work, sometimes we need to shock our brain paths, others need in house thearpy, some get healthy by talking in groups, or one on one. I will agree that however you choose to heal you need to inform the other party. For me personally, group/one on one/and in-house did not work the demons had to strong a hold, S/m allowed me to deal on my terms, to understand where my mind had gone. I was fortunate enough to have somebody who learned to understand the differance between flashbacks, and reality and to understand that both lived side by side in my world.
 
Also, I just don't understand why someone could be with a Dom/Domme that doesn't care about them. Please help me understand for I could never submit to someone who didn't care about me. Where does the trust come from? >>>>

Simply they need only the power dynamic, they are not looking for love, friendship, or even understanding. They need to dominante or surrender all, the drive to serve is strong than the drive for those other things many of us hold dear. The trust comes from knowing themselves, knowing that their instincts will not lead them along the wrong path. 
 
Blessed Be
Gem

 





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