A fantasy, not a lifestyle?

A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (Full Version)

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duktigflicka -> A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 2:34:54 PM)
Hiya. First post. Woot. I'm a submissive female and trying to find others like me or compatible with me. I seem to be running into brick walls. For me, bdsm is something intensely exciting, deeply fulfilling and entirely out of place in any part of my life outside sex. I had, perhaps stupidly, assumed that this was how it was for everyone into bdsm and that everyone had perfectly egalitarian relationships until they stepped inside the bedroom. I flung myself into a couple bdsm communities and got a bit of a shock when I found that this is a way of life for some people. It seems that everyone I can find is all or nothing. Strictly vanilla or 24/7 master and slave - and real master and slave, not some exciting role-playing. Am I the only person on the planet who wants my bdsm to be the acting out of a fantasy that does not affect other aspects of my life?

GoddessJules -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 3:20:04 PM)
Hello dukting and welcome, Nope, you aren't the only one! Is that a shock to you? For me personally, I can't think of BDSM 24 hours a day. . .just for my own sanity. People in our lifestyle come in all shades. . .from those who do it "24/7" to those that like to spank or be spanked on occassion. The BEST way to go about it is doing what works for you. . .and don't let anyone tell you that you are "wrong" (or any derivative of that word.) Have fun!!!! Jules

LadyShoshin -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 3:24:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: duktigflicka Hiya. First post. Woot. I'm a submissive female and trying to find others like me or compatible with me. I seem to be running into brick walls. For me, bdsm is something intensely exciting, deeply fulfilling and entirely out of place in any part of my life outside sex. I had, perhaps stupidly, assumed that this was how it was for everyone into bdsm and that everyone had perfectly egalitarian relationships until they stepped inside the bedroom. I flung myself into a couple bdsm communities and got a bit of a shock when I found that this is a way of life for some people. It seems that everyone I can find is all or nothing. Strictly vanilla or 24/7 master and slave - and real master and slave, not some exciting role-playing. Am I the only person on the planet who wants my bdsm to be the acting out of a fantasy that does not affect other aspects of my life? I am a lifestyler, but BDSM is as individual as each person who participates in it. Be clear in your profile that this is a role play and fantasy for you and not a lifestyle. There are plenty of folks like you out there. You just have to find the right one.

NoCalOwner -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 4:08:44 PM)
It's perfectly OK to only be duktig in the bedroom. I'd wager that a lot of the people here who list themselves as "submissive" rather than "slave" feel similarly to you. Some like playing out fantasies, others prefer changing reality to make their fantasies become real, some do both. You should be finding your own kink, not letting anyone else impose their kink on you, so pick what you like and forget about the rest. Welcome to the board, flicka!

MrThorns -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 6:50:49 PM)
Welcome to the forums, duktigflicka. There are plenty of people out there that enjoy roleplay. Not everyone is, (Or has to be) involved in a Total Power Exchange, 24/7 or M/s relationship. I have thought that it's a bit odd that you don't hear more about people who simply enjoy a little erotic roleplay. Perhaps there's a bit of social pressure that some people feel to be more Masterly or slavish than the Joneses. I'll have to research that a bit. Good luck on the search. ~Thorns

proudsub -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 6:54:01 PM)
quote: I'm a submissive female and trying to find others like me or compatible with me. Welcome to the forums. It might help if you write something in your profile about what you are looking for in a dom, what your vanilla interests are, what you enjoy in the BDSM realm, etc. Many people will not respond to a blank profile. Good luck in your search.

Suleiman -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 7:42:47 PM)
You are most assuredly not alone dear, and welcome to the boards by the way. Stick around long enough, and I assure you you will find other representatives of whatever aspect of the scene you wish to explore. In the so-called real world, very often, those who limit their leatherplay to the bedroom are not very active participants in the "scene". They may attend the occasional party or mixer, but for the most part they tend to wear vanilla camoflage and often don't make a big deal about their "kinky" tastes. Lifestylers are, obviously enough, the backbone of the local community. This is what they do, and they do it every chance they get, thus, it can seem at first glance to be an all or nothing prospect. Just be patient, make a few friends, and eventually you'll find some of those shy, reclusive kinksters who keep the toys in the bedroom. They're out ther, and there's a hell of a lot of them. :) good luck!

Kinkypupper -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/27/2004 10:14:13 PM)
The nice thing about this type of lifestyle in general is the openness and acceptance of all the varying degrees of it. Some people have cut and dryed limits and wants/ desires.. some are more flexable. part of the problem in filling out a "ad" is that WE ourselves are doing it. Part of ME would like a 24/7 relationship with a person do i want a 24/7 slave with no opinions or attitude. no.. I have no clue what will happen in the future none of us do. So to say in a "ad" we ONLY want this or only want "that". Also limits our potential and possable matches. I myself started in july-aug looking for a 24/7 subbie but that comment cut out a LOT of people from replying thinking that it was only that what i seek. So i changed it to be more "open" and even my "title" i changed it to be more "wanting a 40% vanilla" person. "Dating" on the internet and answering someones "ad" is just a introduction. it takes face-face contact and a lil time to find out if they are a good match or not.. And what happens with that relationship... happens naturally in the course of time.. one cannot "plan" its course.. just perhaps hope a lil.

duktigflicka -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 5:19:32 AM)
Wow, so many replies. Thanks bunches, you guys. I really appreciate the reassurance. People seem to be looking down on me for not being "submissive enough" or a "real submissive" just because my career is my first priority. After I saw one sub getting chewed out on another community because she left an abusive relationship without asking permission to be released, I'm developing a negative reaction to the bdsm community at large and definitely feeling like I don't belong there. It's so refreshing to get so much reassurance. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm still having trouble finding people who fall in between vanilla and wanting me to move to some remote location to be chained up by my feet all day, but I'll keep trying! My profile is blank because it gives me an error message every time I try to fill it in. In any case, I can contact people myself. NoCalOwner, do you speak Swedish? Or was that just a neat coincidence that you put the Swedish words into your sentences in ways that fit perfectly?

Thanatosian -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 7:29:21 AM)
quote: After I saw one sub getting chewed out on another community because she left an abusive relationship without asking permission to be released, I'm developing a negative reaction to the bdsm community at large and definitely feeling like I don't belong there. I would develop a rather large and obvious and very vocal negative reaction to any 'community' that advocated having to stay within an abusive relationship for any reason whatever - be it a D/s relationship or not - the fact that they felt it more important for her to observe the 'protocols' of the 'community' and request release than to watch out for her well being and safety speaks volumes as to how filled this 'community' must be with people who do NOT live the safe sane and consensual lifestyle. now that thats out of my system, welcome to the boards flicka and do not give up hope - it may take quite some time, but there is someone out there who will have the same interests you do, I am sure of it.

srahfox -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 10:11:44 AM)
As in everything in life there are some poeple who take things very seriously and others not so much so. Don't worry there are other people out there who are just vanilla swirl:)

slavewithnoname -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 10:48:56 AM)
Hello and welcome to the boards flica... First, I'll agree that most profiles on here state people do seem to be looking for one extreme or the other... I would love to find that 24/7 again... BUT... while I wait paitiently to find that, I can pacify myself with the occassional roleplay and fantacies. quote: The nice thing about this type of lifestyle in general is the openness and acceptance of all the varying degrees of it. My only comment to this is that through the years, I have noticed a lot of judging and cliques happening. Perhaps this lifestyle is not as accepting as we would all like to believe? Either way flicca.... be honest in what you seek... it's out there! Best of luck and be well and safe! ~slavegirl~

INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 11:27:25 AM)
Welcome! Abuse in any form has no place in this or any other type of relationship. Be who you want to be, there is a match for you out there, he or she may be lost at the moment, but with patience, you will find a match. I was in the car business for many years, there is an old saying: THERE IS AN ASS FOR EVERY SEAT So, while you may have to wade through the muck a bit, it is a learning experience! Good luck, play safe, and play when ya want to!

NoCalOwner -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 12:02:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: duktigflicka I'm still having trouble finding people who fall in between vanilla and wanting me to move to some remote location to be chained up by my feet all day, but I'll keep trying! If you come out to California, I promise to never chain you up by your feet for more than a few hours at a time. See? Things are getting better already! [:D] quote: NoCalOwner, do you speak Swedish? Or was that just a neat coincidence that you put the Swedish words into your sentences in ways that fit perfectly? For several years I worked on a project connected with Chalmers University, and I have some relatives in Jokkmokk, but I know only enough Swedish to cause confusion and hilarity. I don't like the way that native English speakers often assume that the whole world watches so much American TV that other languages have become redundant, so when I am able, I make an effort to welcome people by brutalizing their own native tongue. Fortunately, your English is perfect, so there's no need for me to endanger your mental health with more than a hej.

happypervert -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 3:53:46 PM)
I agree with others that your interests are not unique. However, potential partners may not have the nerve to admit they are just like you. I think a lot of guys (and trolls) feel they have to exaggerate their "domliness" by acting like the roughest, toughest LordMaster to ever graduate from BDSM U as if that will make all the adoring subbies drop to their knees just to kiss the handles of their whips. So when you add that phony attitude by them to the folks who are genuinely interested in the, um, more demanding side of the BDSM spectrum, it overweights the perceived importance of it. So, as someone else already suggested, you should try filling out your profile (or cut and paste your first post) to draw potential partners with similar interests out of the woodwork.

subbiejenn -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 5:31:52 PM)
Hi duktigflicka You’re not the only one, we all have different desires. We all have different levels of the lifestyle. For me i am submissive in everything i do but that is my personality not because of BDSM. i have a job and 2 kids so people who know me outside the lifestyle do not see my hidden desires. Lots of people just want BDSM in the bedroom; i have even met couple where the Male was submissive in the bedroom but not outside of the bedroom. You just have to decide what it is you want and find someone who has the same wishes; it isn't easy because we do all have different wants and needs. We all want a different degree of BDSM. JMO Best of luck ... Be well ~jenn~

MistresKatamaura -> RE: A fantasy, not a lifestyle? (10/28/2004 6:00:01 PM)
I grew up in this lifestyle. Everyone is looking for something, searching for something. In my opinion people should just ease back on the defining what their relationship should be like and just meet people. Let relationships happen. Don't try to impose rules BEFORE you date someone. Relationships evolve. State what you want on your profile then focus on the person, NOT the individual acts themselves. You will be a much happier person. 24/7 isn't for most people. Don't expect a Dominant to pay your way. Have a personality and let that 'shine' thru. Make sure you are emotionally avaible. Make sure you speak about your 'fears' in the scene and relationships in general to your partner.

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