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Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 6:45:53 AM   
ArtisticAlex


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/19/2012
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Can anyone give me some advise on what I can do to ease my fears?

I have posted on the 'ask a Master' board for a Dom/Master's opinion but I also would welcome a fellow sub/slave's opinion as well as I feel the more input I have the more information/opinions I have to work with.

I have started with a new Dom/Master and he is great. I am comfortable around him, we get along like the best of friends and our progressing physical relationship has great chemistry as well. The thing is I am very self conscious about my upper legs as I have some scarring from sports and such. Smooth skin but scar discoloration. My Dom/Master has made it clear he finds me very attractive to him, but as we further our physical relationship I am worried that I may in some way fall short of his expectations and dissapoint him in the physical appearance aspect. But there is also a part of me that knows it will not change how he feels at all.

Does anyone have some advise on how I can help myself be rid of my irrational fears?

-Thank you

~A
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 7:19:12 AM   
LoreBook


Posts: 257
Joined: 2/22/2012
Status: offline 		Yes I do: grow up.

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WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"



LLT

(in reply to ArtisticAlex)
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RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 8:13:30 AM   
AislynLass


Posts: 56
Joined: 7/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

Yes I do: grow up.


Why the snarky comment to someone who politely asked for some encouraging input regarding fears that most people face regarding some aspect of their appearance that they are self-conscious about? The OP appears from his post to be understandably nervous about what he feels self-conscious about....how is telling him to "grow up" going result in a positive outcome? Most people, very grown-up, still feel those feelings of self-consciousness, especially given the images we are inundated with by the media which tell us that we should look a certain way, be a certain size, etc. So especially when being with someone intimately for the first time, it is very easy for all those fears to come to the forefront. I know I faced these qualms, especially when I was with a Dominant for the first time, and it wasn't easy to let go of the self-consciousness. But the advice that several posters gave about focusing on pleasing him (or her) is the best advice, I think. That will help most to be able to let go of that self-consciousness about your appearance.

< Message edited by AislynLass -- 4/1/2012 8:22:46 AM >

_____________________________

Aislyn

Life is short. bend the rules, forgive quicky, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

(in reply to LoreBook)
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RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 8:22:57 AM   
ArtisticAlex


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/19/2012
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		Thank you. It does seem like many opinions are that focusing more on my Dom/Master should help with my insecurity. That will definitely be something I will try.

I am also open to other suggestions as well. I do like to hear what people think on the subject.

~A

_____________________________

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." Mahatma Gandhi

(in reply to AislynLass)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 8:55:30 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		My legs are too long, and my ears are too pointy. However, the whole of me is total
awesomeness, and I'll be damned if some of my imperfections outshine the rest of me.

You are being unfair to yourself by focussing on what you perceive to be shortcomings,
and it implies that you think your Master is so shallow as to be turned off by them.



_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to ArtisticAlex)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 10:29:09 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~

True story from a MAsT meeting. We were discussing dealing with women and their self-image problems and one of the masters, in desperation, finally stood his girl, naked, in front of a full length mirror and commanded her to look at herself closely in that mirror. She was allowed to stop once she was willing to admit one of the following, her choice:

a) I'm beautiful.
b) My master has awful taste.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 11:04:40 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~



This isn't the first time you've laughed at my posts.
So, my legs are too long, my ears are too pointy, and Jeff often laughs at my posts.
However, the whole of me is total awesomeness, and I'll be damned if some of my imperfections
outshine the rest of me.

so there!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 11:30:47 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I had self image problems. Hell I still do. My former domly dude made it all right when he said to me, if I did not find your nudity pleasing and exciting, you would have your clothes on still.

Just try to relax, talk to him, and take things as they come.

Good luck.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to ArtisticAlex)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 1:08:45 PM   
Soyokaze


Posts: 390
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline 		I probably have self esteem issues (I think I'm just realistic) and anxiety. I kind of developed the ability to do things without thinking them through... which is probably dangerous, but I'd never get anywhere if I didn't.

_____________________________

"When I was a little kid, I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'end quote'" -Steven Wright

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 1:49:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~

True story from a MAsT meeting. We were discussing dealing with women and their self-image problems and one of the masters, in desperation, finally stood his girl, naked, in front of a full length mirror and commanded her to look at herself closely in that mirror. She was allowed to stop once she was willing to admit one of the following, her choice:

a) I'm beautiful.
b) My master has awful taste.




Heh...I've told him many many times he has bad taste.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 3:55:57 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Things we're self conscious about are often non-issues for other people. Have you already mentioned that you are self conscious about the scars?

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(in reply to ArtisticAlex)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 5:01:42 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtisticAlex

Thank you. It does seem like many opinions are that focusing more on my Dom/Master should help with my insecurity. That will definitely be something I will try.

I am also open to other suggestions as well. I do like to hear what people think on the subject.

~A


Actually focusing on him and his desires will do absolutely nothing for your self consciousness about what you feel are your shortcomings.  It will simply force you to stop thinking about them, rather than dealing with it.

However, anyone who doesn't live in fantasy land realizes all bodies have imperfections.  If he is wanting you to get naked, the last thing he is thinking about is whether or not you have some scarring on your legs.  Chances are he may not even notice, based on how you described it.

You, like many young women, need to learn to accept and embrace the flaws in your body.  That doesn't mean to abandon any wish to improve on something you think can be improved (weight loss or muscle tone for example), it means that embracing your flaws helps you learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are.  Let your partner know that you are self conscious about this part of your body, which he will probably (if he is a partner worth having) tell you that he loves your body, flaws and all.  But at the end of the day, you are the only one who can learn to accept your body the way it is.

(in reply to ArtisticAlex)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 5:37:05 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~

True story from a MAsT meeting. We were discussing dealing with women and their self-image problems and one of the masters, in desperation, finally stood his girl, naked, in front of a full length mirror and commanded her to look at herself closely in that mirror. She was allowed to stop once she was willing to admit one of the following, her choice:

a) I'm beautiful.
b) My master has awful taste.




Heh...I've told him many many times he has bad taste.

I have to second that. I think he's crazy to find me attractive, but he does and it's not up to me, so my feelings on the matter are irrelevant.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 9:42:53 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

My legs are too long, and my ears are too pointy. However, the whole of me is total
awesomeness, and I'll be damned if some of my imperfections outshine the rest of me.

You are being unfair to yourself by focussing on what you perceive to be shortcomings,
and it implies that you think your Master is so shallow as to be turned off by them.




This is it exactly. I am too tall for some men, not him, even though we are the same height, he loves me in heels, I have bartended my whole adult life so my feet are trashed, he rubs cream on them, I used to hate that, and I am definitely not in the outstanding physical shape he is, at 45 he is built like a 30 year old, but he loves my soft spots. Relax, we are human, and physical "flaws" exist. Some people find them charming. He hates a scar above his eyebrow from a kick in the face during a soccer game, to me, it's edgy and sexy.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/1/2012 10:53:56 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~

True story from a MAsT meeting. We were discussing dealing with women and their self-image problems and one of the masters, in desperation, finally stood his girl, naked, in front of a full length mirror and commanded her to look at herself closely in that mirror. She was allowed to stop once she was willing to admit one of the following, her choice:

a) I'm beautiful.
b) My master has awful taste.




Heh...I've told him many many times he has bad taste.

I have to second that. I think he's crazy to find me attractive, but he does and it's not up to me, so my feelings on the matter are irrelevant.



Except a person's own self image IS relevant.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/2/2012 1:37:16 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~

True story from a MAsT meeting. We were discussing dealing with women and their self-image problems and one of the masters, in desperation, finally stood his girl, naked, in front of a full length mirror and commanded her to look at herself closely in that mirror. She was allowed to stop once she was willing to admit one of the following, her choice:

a) I'm beautiful.
b) My master has awful taste.




Heh...I've told him many many times he has bad taste.

I have to second that. I think he's crazy to find me attractive, but he does and it's not up to me, so my feelings on the matter are irrelevant.



Except a person's own self image IS relevant.

Let me clarify. I did not mean to say that self image is irrelevant or unimportant. I'm sorry if that was how my post came across. My intention by that statement was merely that the fact that my Master finds me attractive regardless of how I feel towards the matter actually helps me with my self-image. Knowing that it's not up to me to decide whether or not I am attractive--it's up to him, since my body is his, not mine--makes it easier for me to accept his opinion and see myself in a better light. Even if I don't agree with him, I can accept it because I am good enough for him and that's what matters to me. :)

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/2/2012 2:58:18 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

Let me clarify. I did not mean to say that self image is irrelevant or unimportant. I'm sorry if that was how my post came across. My intention by that statement was merely that the fact that my Master finds me attractive regardless of how I feel towards the matter actually helps me with my self-image. Knowing that it's not up to me to decide whether or not I am attractive--it's up to him, since my body is his, not mine--makes it easier for me to accept his opinion and see myself in a better light. Even if I don't agree with him, I can accept it because I am good enough for him and that's what matters to me. :)



But see it really isn't up to any of us to determine if we are attractive or not.  Yes, there are some people that are considered universally attractive, but even then there are people who think those people aren't that hot either (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie jump to mind).  When it comes to attractiveness, all that really does matter is whether our partner finds us attractive.

But the OP isn't really talking about whether or not she believes she is attractive, but more about body image issues, which really aren't the same thing.  Even in people who look in the mirror and see a "hot" image looking back at them will rarely have nothing they are a bit self conscious of.  For the OP, it is some scars on her legs, for some it might be stretch marks, others their belly or breasts, etc.

Typically, in a basically mentally healthy person, as the relationship develops and with it trust and comfort, those issues begin to fade.  Since the OP admits this is a new, blossoming relationship, I've no doubt that she has not reached that level of comfort with her new partner.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/2/2012 12:04:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I dunno, I've been with Master for 6 years and my self conscious image of myself hasn't changed. I still find parts of me to be unattractive while he doesn't seem to mind but for me I'm vain and so those little things bother me until I fix them which is something I am constantly working on...I hate my hair. I want extensions. He thinks it's stupid. I hate the bump on my nose. I have plans to have plastic surgery in the future. He thinks it's cute <sigh..I'm gonna have to fight this one out with him for the surgery lol>...and a few other things I hate that he doesn't even notice or thinks it's not a big deal while I think it is. Nothing he says to me will ever change how I feel about those parts. For me what will change that is by me fixing it and then I'll be happy with them.

That doesn't mean he doesn't make me feel good about myself...he does...but his image of me doesn't always matter to me, even though it should. I have to be happy with me first.

So yes, op...don't worry so much about what he thinks...he's probably more than happy with your body and shape or else he wouldn't be with you. But if that's not enough for you, then maybe think what you can do to change those scars so you are happy yourself. It could be just coming to terms with them and accepting them or it could be maybe seeing a doctor to see what can be done to minimize them. That choice is up to you on how to rectify the situation.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/2/2012 12:25:32 PM   
tng


Posts: 57
Joined: 6/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Implying master is shallow... ~lauhgs~

True story from a MAsT meeting. We were discussing dealing with women and their self-image problems and one of the masters, in desperation, finally stood his girl, naked, in front of a full length mirror and commanded her to look at herself closely in that mirror. She was allowed to stop once she was willing to admit one of the following, her choice:

a) I'm beautiful.
b) My master has awful taste.




Heh...I've told him many many times he has bad taste.

I have to second that. I think he's crazy to find me attractive, but he does and it's not up to me, so my feelings on the matter are irrelevant.



Except a person's own self image IS relevant.
Not really. Its not like it really matters to anybody but you, right?

_____________________________

If the above makes sense -- you probably misread it.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Irrational Fears - 4/2/2012 11:49:19 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tng

quote:


Except a person's own self image IS relevant.
Not really. Its not like it really matters to anybody but you, right?


But that is the point.  A person needs to be happy with their own self image and no one else can make them feel that way. 

(in reply to tng)
Profile   Post #: 20
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